“You cannot defeat me. The power and history of the IRS shields me from your giga-chad powers. Even they, no matter how great, cannot break the might of a tax collection agency,” Boss said dramatically and spun his hips.
“I shall murder you, for my name is Michael Murders. If my giga-chad powers are not enough, I shall use my murder powers!” I declared and flourished my sword. The Boss was in shock. For he knew about my giga-chad powers, but he completely underestimated my murder powers.
I waddled my way forward as he remained helpless before me in awe. I then chopped off his head. His head flew and burst into flames. Why? Because it was cool, that is why. I am a giga-chad and that is the only explanation I need.
His body remained upright and squirted out a fountain of blood. It kept going and going, like that one movie about women’s baseball where their coach kept going and going. Just one endless stream that would never end. I am a giga-chad of culture and class, which you know is true since I just told you and it is retroactive.
I checked my watch and tapped my foot, but the Boss had enough giga-chad in him, about 0.01% to make his death epic. Finally, after far too long and way too many words, his body collapsed with a splash into the small lake of blood that had formed.
It needed some more drama and to be dragged out a bit more. So I swung my sword with an amazing flourish again and the body exploded, the organs splashing into the blood lake and swimming away like little fishes.
Now that was much better. “Oh my god! Your writing, I mean fighting is the best ever! Let me make passionate love to you!” A woman rushed up to me. I looked her over. With my giga-chad powers I knew everything I needed with just a single glance. She was 7/10, needs some enhancement.
That wasn’t sexist at all. It was a well-informed opinion I came to. I am the expert and the giga-chad. Questioning that is like questioning your own existence.
“Of course. I am the giga-chad.” There was nothing else that needed to be said as I pulled her into my arms. Unfortunately, my obesity was getting in the way of the action. I wanted to get rid of my morbid obesity right now, but I was morbidly obese and had mentioned that several times. No way was I giving up my key personality trait, I mean defining feature, I mean beautiful body.
But where there is a giga-chad, there is a way. And I found a way. Even if that way was very small. Itty bitty small, almost microscopic. I still found it.
“That was the most amazing thing ever. You are so amazing and jiggly,” the sweaty woman said. I gave only a single nod of approval. Which was a huge round of applause from anyone else.
“You are down to 6/10. Keep working at it.” I informed her of this, so she could try and improve herself. It was always important to tell people where they could improve.
“Oh yes, you are so right. I need to get better. Please give me a name.” She earned promotion from Emergency Murder to Possible Murder for her understanding of the giga-chad way of life.
“You will be Sultress. You are spicy but plain like salt.” My naming was amazing. The most amazing and best thing ever. Everyone should bow down.
Sultress was already bowing.
“That is the most amazing name ever,” she said, and I nodded at that. I waddled and climbed back up on my throne and she got on and laid at my feet, looking adoringly up at me.
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I pulled out a whip as I suddenly had to whip the people pulling the throne. The throne was part cat, that’s why it was confused about how it moved. That one maybe cat used to be owned by Schrodinger. Right now I needed to whip the proletariat to carry me to murder!
“On Pickles! On Biscuit! On Squeakers! On Henmicasa! On Glitterhooves! On Sir Sniffs-A-Lot! On Cart Puller! On Collateral! On Drewhen! On Fuzzybritches!” I cracked my whip and one of the working-class people screamed. I could bother telling who. They were all equally alike and it didn’t matter. There were hundreds more where they came from. I rested in my throne as they pulled me forward to glory, I mean murders, I mean glorious murders.
I was quickly pulled out of town as Sultress moaned adoringly at my feet. “Oh, you big giga-chad. I just love the way you are you. So sexy and amazing.” I immediately ignored her. It was good to take these things in moderation. I didn’t want to get an inflated ego after all.
Unfortunately, Fuzzybritches slipped and was crushed by the throne. Oh well, just one less person to remember and immediately forget about. “Oh god the pain! Someone help me.”
He was completely and utterly dead. There was no chance of saving him. “I can live. Just help me up.”
He had died a very agonizing death. “Don’t leave me!”
We made it to some new monsters, but they weren’t that interesting for murder. That was the problem with murder. Really, the only problem with murder, was that you couldn’t be repetitive about it. That’s when people started calling it derivative and we didn’t want that no matter what.
I needed something inspired. I ordered the worms to pull my throne around as I considered my options. That was when a I saw a city in the distance. It wasn’t my city, but another city. A great place for some exciting murders and to assert my dominance by shitting in the city.
The throne moved, slowly at first, but soon picked up speed. I was on my way to commit some more murder, and nothing was going to stop me. Not even the IRS, or a lack of proper murder weapons. I was Michael Murders, and I was unstoppable.
As we traveled through the strange, blocky world, I couldn't help but think about all the potential victims that lay ahead. There were so many people to murder, so many lives to take. It was a glorious feeling, knowing that I had the power to end lives at will. And I would do it, again and again, until there was no one left to murder. Because that's what Michael Murders does. He murders.
The throne lurched forward as I cracked by whip on the slugs oozing their way forward. An unfortunate turn of events. Ah, they were now hairless cats, a slight improvement from slugs. We reached the city and entered.
“Sir, can you please spare some food?” A woman begged me on the side of the road.
“I am the giga-chad. Have a taste of my giga-chad skill!” I pointed at her and unleashed my power.
“Ahhhh!” She let out an unsightly scream as her eyes caught fire and she melted. I would rate her cheering 0.5 stars out of 5. It was important to be accurate about this for the other hopeless people that might be paying attention.
I then waved my hand in an arc, like a dance move. I also jiggled a bit to vary the intensity of my giga-chad skill. The other homeless people began to melt and scream as I made my way into the city.
I reached the center of the city there was a store here, but it wasn’t as good as Hellion’s Hardware back in my city. Customer loyalty was important, which is why I never ever shopped around for better alternatives. You could always trust a business once you did business there. No matter what. That was just common sense.
More people melted under the onslaught of my skill as I looked around for the city chad. There was a small chance they had some giga-chad within them but I doubted it.
“I am the Not Chad.” A man declared.
“A Not Chad? What is that?” As something that was not a chad, it was excluded from my giga-brain level intelligence.
“I gave up the Chad ways. Now I just do my own thing. I give you all my Chadness.”
“One does not give up their Chadness! We must fight,” I loudly declared so all would know my intentions and manliness.
“But I follow the ways of the Not Chad. I cannot fight you and will cheer you on instead,” Not Chad said, and I reeled back in shock. My entire world view was shaken on its foundations. I felt the power of the chad flow into me. But it was nowhere close to comparable to my powers as the giga-chad.
It only increased my powers by a fraction of a fraction of a fraction. It was a small blip on the vast cosmic powers that I held in me.