Here is what is commonly known about goblins:

1. Goblins are short (around 3½ feet tall), stout, bestial creatures with shaggy fur and sharp claws on their hands and feet. They don’t wear clothes but do wear armor, which is usually patchwork and shabby. They have yellow eyes hidden in sunken eye-sockets, long ears like a coyote, wide and flat noses, and their mouths have been compared to that of a shark’s, even though they are omnivorous.

2. Goblin tribal society is ruled by the strong, for the strong. Goblins will occasionally raid other villages and even other goblin tribes for slaves, just to make their own lives easier. Also, slaves make for good emergency rations.

3. Goblins are greedy. A reasonably sharp sword owned by one goblin is enough of an excuse for another to try and kill him for it. It is even forgivable if the murder succeeds: “Obviously the victim was weak and stupid. Good. More food for the rest of us.” Civil wars are common among goblins tribes. Losers are usually eaten.

4. Goblins are omnivorous to the extreme. Their near-constant hunger due to their explosive breeding potential coupled with their greediness has allowed their species to evolve to the point that goblins rarely suffer from sickness or poison. If it can be eaten, then they’ll eat it. Stuff that would flat-out make a human froth at the mouth and die might give a goblin child indigestion. Maybe.

5. Since their society is ruled by the strongest and meanest, intelligence is not in high demand, unless their learning something helps put food in their mouths. Goblins have enough intelligence for a primitive language and most have learned (painfully) which end of the sword is the sharp bit and which is the grip.

6. Goblins stink to high heaven. Goblins consider bathing about as often as dragons consider the average price of mushrooms on the Seventh Plane of Hell (in other words, not at all). They live in filth, they sleep in filth, they breed in filth, and if hungry enough they’ll even eat that filth as well.

7. Goblins are absolutely sneaky bastards.  A fair fight is as alien to them as the sport of baseball is to ants. They’ll attack from behind, from above, from below, using every dirty trick in the book and wielding anything that might cut, tear, impale or explode, but they’ll NEVER attack from the front. If you can smell a goblin, then it’s already too late.

8. Goblins are xenophobic. They hate EVERYTHING that is not goblin. They’ll even hate other goblin tribes for not being THEM enough. They’ll only put aside their distrust if there’s something better to hate, but they’ll still be waiting for a chance to backstab their own brethren. (By an ironic twist of fate, the fact that humans are now living everywhere has caused PEACE to break out among many goblin tribes who had been bitter enemies for hundred of years.)

Stolen novel; please report.

9. Goblins do not live long lives. A goblin who is too old to get food for himself… IS food, himself. The one exception to the rule is the rare goblin shaman, who serves the chief. Not much is known about them, except that goblins will occasionally raid other tribes to kidnap one of these as well.

10. Most importantly, there’s no such thing as just ONE goblin. Just one tribe of twenty can breed into several hundred in only one year.

The standard goblin method of dealing with human settlements is called Ka’Raueth, the “Invisible Wall”. Translated (loosely) from the goblin tongue, it goes something like this:

• Don’t let anyone enter the village to help them. Eat them.

• Don’t let anyone leave the village to get help. Eat them.

• Eat their cattle. Eat their grain. Eat their food before they do.

• Torment those who try to keep watch for the village. Look for a chance to eat them.

• Torment those who try to be brave. When they are weak enough, eat them.

• Eventually, the humans will weaken and starve, and won’t be able to prevent themselves from being eaten.

• Eventually they’ll break, and will even welcome being eaten.

• We will win. There are ALWAYS more of us than of them.

• If anything goes wrong, eat what you can, who you can, and move on before a human army can be summoned. Come back next year.

Today's Menu:

• Egg and bacon

• Egg, sausage and bacon.

• Egg and human

• Egg, bacon and human

• Egg, bacon, sausage and human

• Human, bacon, sausage and human

• Human, egg, human, human, bacon and human

• Human, human, human, egg and human

• Human, human, human, human, human, human, baked beans, human, human, human and human

• Lobster Thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce, garnished with truffle pâté, brandy and a fried egg on top, and human.

NO ONE EXPECTS THE HUMAN REPETITION!!!!

(Human human human human...)