Hello, I Must Be Going._Medic!~

The Florida sun slammed down on him as he trudged from the bus stop, past the New Health Deli (“You’ll think it’s actually meat!”), smelling the not-chicken and not-barbeque beef wafting in the air, past the failing Dutchess Bakery (aka “Diabetes Bakery”) and now he was smelling way too much sugary frosting, the kind of frosting that no matter what color it was tasted like baking soda and water. He hurried past the STAR GAMES!!! game shop that felt it needed that many capital letters and exclamation marks to sell just gaming gear and subscription cards, since all games were online-only now. He tried not to look at the new DIVE VX9+ deep immersion helmet, “GET THE ENHANCED TOUCH DLC! ONLY $99.99 WITH PURCHASE!”

There was a time he could have afforded such nice things. It wasn’t like he was ever going to get married. He was too old now. Too old, too fat, too bald, and he had long since given up on women.

And then he got fired. Oh, the companies may SAY that there’s no such thing as a blacklist, but when the smiles and handshakes go from “Well!” to “Well…” it became pretty obvious. The word was out. He was worthless goods.

So no more income. So no more game gear. Only endless “Walks of Shame” in this hot summer weather from each failed job interview.

He had to wait at the curb to let another one of those Edison cars roar by. Asshole, he thought. Sure, no matter how many houses you could buy with that kind of money it’s still in the end just an electric car like all the rest, but some people missed the roaring gasoline engine sounds so now Edison owners can download and install a DLC and the car will faithfully reproduce the V8 ear-popping-make-everyone-call-you-an-asshole roar as they drive by. It roared into a handicapped parking space. Double asshole. A rather buff gentleman wearing a rather expensive suit flicked away a REAL, still-lit, expensive cigarette as he climbed out from under the air-conditioned gull-wing door and sauntered into the AlbertSmiths supermarket, probably to buy some imported beer for the weekend with multiple beautiful lady friends. Triple asshole.

The air was typical Florida muggy. He pulled his sweat-stained shirt away from his sticky chest as he made his way into the residential block.

Finally home he grunted the front door open (damn humidity), ripped off his job interview clothes, grabbed some quick-and-unhealthy food and drink from the fridge, and wearing only his “tighty whities” underwear pants, turned on the computer. Then he cursed when it complained about ‘no connection’ yet again. Blasted thing. He unplugged the power and plugged it back in again.

It used to be computers didn’t need to always be online.

Finally it booted up. He had to spend the next minute clearing the notifications to update this program, that program, the advertisements for this or that DLC for every single application he didn’t use (and couldn’t uninstall without violating his agreement with the internet company), and after killing the pleas for new ink cartridges from the built-in printer (that was broken anyway), he was finally ready to access the internet.

A game… what kind of game do I want to play to get my mind off things?

He popped a pizza-flavored breaded ravioli-like thing into his mouth, dribbling crumbs onto his pasty thighs. Unconsciously he wiped them onto the floor.

Something I could play with this twelve-year-old computer. Old games… MMOs still playable…

He drank the caffeinated generic soda straight from the 3-liter bottle. “Legendary Tales Online”?

Oh yeah… good ol’ LTO. It’s been years… Where did I put that diving helmet?

Legendary Tales Online used to be one of the first full-immersion MMORPGs out there. It was a rare sandbox game, meaning you could go anywhere and be anything you wanted to be. Yes, you had to choose a class or two, like Fighter for instance, but you weren’t condemned to solve all problems with a sword. In fact, you didn’t have to fight anything at all if you didn’t want to. Far cry from today’s MMOs which were all “theme park attraction rides” where EVERYONE saw the same cut-scene, EVERYONE went to the same portal to the same town to get to the same dungeon, EVERYONE was the “only one who could save the world” -- along with all the other million-or-so players.

LTO got a little too popular, it’s fans got a little too fanatic, and so eventually it got bought out by one of those multinational mega-corporations, and the first thing they did was turn the popular game into yet another “theme park” MMO. Betrayed players left in droves, and the servers shut down forever three years later.

Now many, many years later LTO was back, sort of. The original source code “accidentally” got leaked and the “Legendary Tales Online Resurrection” project was born. Updated graphics, new quests, many bugs removed, and re-activating the hidden “mature rating” option so players could be as (ahem) adult as they wanted to be without anyone getting sued. Fan-made servers sprung up everywhere. Best of all, mods! You could now play a “zombie apocalypse” LTOR-TWD, a science-fiction LTOR-SW set in a galaxy far, far away, or perhaps the LTOR-LOTR version with a certain magical ring of invisibility that must be chucked into a certain volcano. There was even “LTOR - Thank You Japan” where the NPCs were all anime characters and the monsters had tentacles.

No, let’s just play a vanilla game. Just a little bit of nostalgia…

After waiting for the game launcher to finish downloading he…

had to wait for the game updater to download an entirely new set of data and then he…

had to wait for the game updater to update the game, and finally he…

had to wait for the loading screen to finish loading the game and FINALLY he…

had to sit through the “Executive Produced By” screen (with animation and short, quirky music),

a “Produced By” screen (more animation and a *Tadah!* tune),

a “Buy THIS” ad for when the game was still subscription-based…

*Bang!* *Bang!* *Bang!*

Hitting the keyboard couldn’t make the program skip ahead.

Typical...

Finally, finally, FINALLY he…

had to wait for the game to load the title screen.

Finally! Finally! FINALLY! FINALLY! He…

finished his pizza snack things and drank about half the bottle of soda, when—

MASSIVELY OVERDRAMATIC MUSIC started to play with OVERLY EXCITED BACKGROUND ANIMATION!

Right, first thing I’m going to kill: this damn music! Options, options, sound, ah! Background music: Off. Game Options… Mature Content: On. Subtitles: Off. Game Controls… Wait, what was my helmet’s make again? Let’s see, does it support VX5? Ah, good. It does. Okay, set controls to helmet, and…

He carefully untangled the black helmet’s cord and plugged it into the computer. Then he had to drag the computer closer to his bed since the cord wasn’t long enough. Then he had to drag the bed closer to the computer because the computer’s power cord wasn’t long enough to allow much dragging. He flopped on the bed, gasping for breath, his heart pounding away madly.

This damn body…

Should I take a shower?

…

No.

Too tired.

Play first.

Right now, he didn’t have a job. Right now, he didn’t have anything worth a damn. Soon, he’ll run out of money, and be kicked out onto the streets with the rest of the losers.

Heh. I haven’t even started and already I’m at Game Over.

Enough.

Play.

The black plastic immersion helmet was hard and scratchy against his neck and scalp (the cheap foam padding was long gone), but no matter. He shimmied and twisted, cramming a sock into the helmet and a pillow under his neck until things were, if not comfortable, at least reasonable. Clicking on the power, a new picture overlay the sight of the ceiling. He used the helmet’s built-in tests to set color, brightness, sound, and the like. Finally he pushed the button that sent his real body away.

Welcome to Legendary Tales Online

Resurrection v3.2.0a

Please Stand By…

In the background hum he vaguely heard the computer chugging away, loading his body’s dimensions into memory. He wasn’t looking forward to this bit.

GAH!

There he was, a bald, fat, mostly naked tub of lard.

Amazing LTO got that many subscriptions if every user had to sit through their own personal torture show…

Various buttons popped up: Face, Body, Sex...

Sex? That’s new. LTO couldn’t do gender-benders back when I played it. I wonder what patch it—

Virtual him coughed politely, an obvious “hurry up” ploy. Various things jiggled unpleasantly.

Ugh. Right, first things first:

Body Type: Athletic

Weight: 159 lbs (American Weight Units)

Not sure what class I should go for… and still, there’s that thing…

Like practically all players before him, he was consumed with the thought of, “How would I look as the opposite sex?” A virtual button was pushed, and:

Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

Sex: Female

Huh. I wasn’t expecting that. I’m not my own type. The “tighty whities” don’t look good on female me either.

…

Well, at least I have hair now.

Somewhat insulted by his own lack of sex appeal even as a thinner, better-built female, he twiddled with the game’s slider controls, transforming the old and plain woman into a guy’s wet dream: a much younger girl with curves and long red flowing hair and DEM LEGS and VAVOOM.

He ditched the underwear.

Much better.

Virtual him coughed politely, an obvious “hurry up” ploy. Various things jiggled QUITE pleasantly.

There was a minor twinge at his conscience, letting him know that he was being VERY childish right now and that any psychiatrist peeking in would likely want to have a word with him about his repressed sexual feelings.

Oh shut up. I’m single. It’s allowed.

Even so, he reduced the settings, changing the girl’s figure from “Succubus” to “Hello Nurse” to “Porno Model” and finally to “Girl at Gym”.

Still, do I really want to play as a girl?

He remembered he had activated the “Mature Content” before switching to the helmet. Knowing his luck…

Guess not. Sorry dear…

Sex: Male

Surprisingly, male him looked… rather good, actually. Not with that flowing red hair, but a young, thin athletic body, with sensitive eyes… He could play in a boy-band looking like that.

Actually… Why not? How adorably cute can I make myself? Hmm… race…

Race: Halfling

Male him was now MUCH shorter and lighter.

“Squish”. Not quite. Don’t care for large furry feet either. I want to be something more elegant…

Race: Dwarf

Oh HELL no.

Race: Elf

THERE we go… Let’s see… Sea Elf, Wood Elf, Cave Elf… ah.

Race: Elf

Sub-Race: High Elf

Considered by many people to be the most beautiful of all elves, they can live for thousands of years. Smaller and slimmer than normal humans and even other types of elves, they have finely chiseled and delicate features and speak in melodic tones.

Due to their focus on cultural and intellectual pursuits, High Elves make excellent Bards and Wizards. Although they can play as most classes, they are not allowed to become Berserkers.

Pfft! Hahaha! Oh yeah, I can just see it, a willowy-thin elf berserker trying to lift a battle axe larger than himself…

“Conan! What is best in life?”

“To crush these walnuts, see their shells driven before me, and to hear the lamentations of the housecleaners.”

Yeah, so not a melee type. Not with those arms anyways, and I don’t feel like being a ranger. So that leaves the spell-casting classes: Druid, Bard, Cleric, and Wizard.

Hmm… I don’t want to play a wizard again, and I never could get a hang of druids, so that leaves the bard and cleric. So… a buffer-caster or a healer-caster… I wonder if I can find a party…

Let’s see, bard gets wizard spells (good), cleric gets priest spells (also good). If I go with the bard, I COULD actually start a boy-band. Just like that “teen heartthrob” Jus—

(*Shudder*)

Actually, let’s just go with a cleric. Yeah. That way I can heal myself and work up to resurrecting everyone. Good idea. I dodged a bullet there. I’m not good with crowds and stages anyway.

He switched to the face controls. Away went the flowing red hair, replaced by short white hair.

Hmm… no… I want hair a little more “fluffy” than that. This? No… no… HELL no… Not bad… Hm. No… THAT’S more like it… No… I guess it’s that one after all, but not white. Blue? Nah. Silver? Close… How about silvery-blue? Huh. That looks pretty good, actually. Eyes should be… green? No blue. Purple? Yeah, purple looks best. Or blue. No, purple. Well…

Time passed…

Liking the ears here. Very “fascinating Captain”. Skin’s the wrong color though, so… this? Ugh, it’s “Night of the Living BRAAAaaaaaaiiiiins”. This? No, that looks unhealthy. Change the hair to black and other players will drive a stake into my heart before I can say anything.

More time passed…

Finally, he was (mostly) satisfied with his work. In front of him stood a somewhat short, slender but healthy looking young elf boy, no class selected yet, with fluffy silvery-blue hair, PURPLE eyes, and long legs. He looked adorable enough to make young girls blush, get cougar women salivating, and motherly types to want to adopt him on sight and feed him sugary things. He wore a white cotton sweater with a red ‘plus’ sign on the chest, and white pants with white business shoes.

Do you accept these settings for your avatar?

I guess that’s good enough for now… I can always run up a new character if I don’t like it.

Verbal input was required now.

“Yes.”

His point of view changed. He was now an elf boy.

Please state your avatar’s name:

__________________

Well, that’s easy.

“Medic.”

Whoa, that’s my elf voice? Nice!

* Bong! *