Yeah, I blew up Earth. Thirty-one years ago in July. It was a terrible accident, simple as that.

You see, I was a bit of a well-known explosives expert back in the day. The US government, when they needed something blown up, they always called me. They knew with me the job would be done right first try- I never left anything but dust behind. So, one day they called me up, the government. The Department of Defense, specifically.

"Mr. Rapp," the fellow on the other end of the phone said, "we hear from our associates you're good with explosives." He was a major or general or something. Very commanding voice.

"Yeah," I replied, "I AM good with explosives. 'I'm Cole and I like making holes', that's my slogan in TV commercials. And don't call me Mr. Rapp, call me Cole. Everyone does. I'm not formal."

"Cole," the guy continued, "we need your help with a very sensitive matter. Can you keep this confidential?"

"Yeah, yeah. Why do you think I'm so good at blowing stuff up? I'd rather hone those skills than talk to people. Whatever you tell me, I ain't telling nobody else. There’s nobody else I WANT to tell anything to, really."

"Well...good. Glad this will stay confidential. " He cleared his throat. "Cole, you've surely noticed the state of the world these days."

"Yeah, it's terrible," I answered. "I mean, if you ask me, it's always been terrible, but with the recent nuclear fallout and overpopulation and rampant diseases...none of that's doing anyone any favors, ya know?"

"It's...our belief- and it's a belief shared by leadership in many countries- that humanity needs to cut its losses if it wants to move forward."

"Uh huh, totally agree. But what's that got to do with me?'

"Well..." he paused. "You've heard about the recent success in terraforming Mars, I'd imagine."

"Oh yeah, those folks are living the dream." I was envious- an elite group of fifty or so had been sent to colonize the planet- they had all the essentials to live for the rest of their lives and then two hundred years more, but even more so, they had so much space. They could be miles from their nearest neighbor. Sounded great to me.

"We think with the success and progress made there that it might be time for more people to start moving to Mars. You know, to start anew. Of course, it will still be a rigorous selection process, but we think it's time for more "average" Americans- who are willing, of course- to begin to colonize Mars."

"There ain't much future left on Earth," I remarked. It was true- the planet was dying, and most people on it were too.

"We would like to offer you the opportunity- if you would want- to be in our next group of colonists, Cole."

I stated to laugh in disbelief. "Me? You're choosing me? Well, sir, I certainly want to go! How soon we leaving?"

There was another pause on the line. "Well, soon enough, but Cole, there's something WE need you to do before you get on that rocket ship to Mars..."

"What's that? I have a very limited skillset. But what I have I'm the best at, so...what do you need blown up?"

The guy took awhile to spit it out, and was quick to make excuses. "We need...we need Earth blown up. The whole planet- I mean, we know that sounds crazy, and is a lot of pressure to put on one person, and most people, they...they wouldn't want that kind of guilt on their conscience...but as you said, you've seen the state of the world, how most people are, you surely get where we're coming from..."

"I've never blown up a whole planet," I admitted, "but with enough materials and a bit of planning I bet I could."

"We can get you materials. You'll have access to anything you need for the job. We've been discussing this matter with leaders around the world and they too are willing to allow you access to any and all resources if you take this burden on yourself."

"Well, this shouldn't be too hard then, with so much at my fingertips. For the blast size I'd need it'd probably take me a few weeks to plant all the explosives around the globe but then it's just a matter of pressing a button."

"We'll get you flights, meals, hotels, materials...whatever you need, Cole."

Now it was my turn to ask a question. “You said we’re relocating people to Mars- how long will THAT take?”

“…we…we aren’t planning to re-locate everyone, Cole.” The line went quiet for a minute.

“So…wait, you want me to blow up the planet with people still on it?”

“We’re trying to start anew,” the guy said slowly, as if he were looking for the best word choice, “In order to do that, we need to be very selective in who we bring. As I said, leaders throughout the world are grappling with this same difficult issue. If we leave people behind they’ll surely try to follow and that will impede our possibility of true success on Mars.”

“I see,” I replied and scratched my chin, though of course he couldn’t see that, being on a phone call. “This does add another layer to planning.”

“You’ll be rewarded well for your assistance in this matter,” the fellow quickly said, “We’ve already ordered construction of a home for you on a ten-acre property on Mars not far from the settlement of New Earth One. That land will be yours and your heirs to do with however you like. And we’ve ordered that you have a lifetime supply of vitamins, supplements, frozen foods…the stuff you’d need to survive. And you’ll be allowed to keep the credit card we’ll give you for your travels around the globe to plant the explosives, which will give you unlimited funds. And of course, we’ll write an official letter explaining you have immunity from prosecution as you were acting on the orders of the US government.”

“Some folks might still want to hurt me after all that,” I volunteered. “Not sure a letter will do the trick there.”

“We can have a security detail assigned to you- round the clock surveillance, keeping you safe. We’ll find a guy who is a loyal patriot and well-trained.”

“And if I’m going to be living on a ten-acre property but be known as the guy who blew up Earth, it’ll probably get a bit lonely. Any chance I can get some companions?”

“You mean…like ladies? We can find you some ladies. What are you into-“

I laughed. “No, sir, I meant like pets. Can I get some cats? I’ve always liked cats, but my current apartment lease won’t let me keep any.”

“Oh.” I imagine the fellow’s face was red from misunderstanding. “Yes, we can get you some cats.”

“And maybe a cow, so I can give the cats fresh milk. Milk would be good for me too, I suppose.”

“Yes, we…we can get you a cow too. Anything else?”

“I suppose if you’re giving me a home, limitless financial resources, food to last three lifetimes, immunity to not be punished for blowing up the Earth with people on it, a security guard, cats, and a cow, there’s really nothing more I need, is there?”

“…I suppose not,” He said.

“I suppose not.” I echoed.

If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

So, true to their word, I was given a special metallic black credit card that allowed me to make purchases with no limits and plane tickets to a whole mess of locations around the world. It was an interesting experience for me, as I had never flown in a plane before, let alone left the country. I was greeted at each destination by the relevant parties who hooked me up with the explosives I needed and access to the key locations to plant them. Then they’d take me out to dinner and I got to try different foods- that was the part I really enjoyed, as I’ve always been an adventurous eater and BOY did they take me on some adventures. But I also got to see the local people of each area and, well, that was a bit tough. In some cases I’d see someone and wonder if he or she would be among the chosen who got to migrate to Mars or they’d become dust when my job was done. Kind of made every interaction surreal.

In a few weeks’ time I had planted the explosives around the globe and was ready for action- provided I got the signal from the higher-ups, of course. There was also the matter of me still being on Earth myself; the deal was I would get compensated with a ride off the planet.

“We have a few rockets leaving in two days,” I was told, “we’ll find you a seat on one. Remember, you are not to detonate Earth until you get direct orders from us. We are still wrapping up a lot of things here so it will be some time before all necessary parties can make it to Mars.”

Next thing I knew I was looking out the small circular window as Earth became an increasingly tiny dot in the distance. To think, before that I had just been a regular explosives expert. Now I was bound for my new home on another planet, with a button in my pocket ready to blow up the world I knew once I was given the go-ahead.

“It’s crazy, isn’t it?” a voice from beside me said. I looked over to see a woman with brownish-red hair. She was not too bad on the eyes and did not appear significantly older than me.

She too looked out the window. “To think, I’m going to an entirely new planet! I still can’t wrap my mind around it!” She smiled and extended her hand to me. “I’m Martha Ann.”

“Cole,” I said, shaking it, “Travelling alone?”

“For the moment. My husband, Dan, he’s still packing stuff and tying up loose ends. He’ll be joining on a rocket in a few weeks. You?”

“Alone, yes.” I paused. “But that’s how I like it, you know? Not much of a people person.”

“Well, neither am I,” Martha Ann confessed, “but yet here I am, coming to Mars to run a bar!” she chuckled a little. “Well, Dan and I, it won’t just be me. ‘Martha Ann and Dan’s’, we’re going to call it. I’ve gotten decent at making beer from a mix but not sure how good my business acumen is otherwise. But it sounds like they’ve built a good-sized saloon and attached house for us at Lot...198, was it? I’m not sure of the layout of New Earth One yet. Not that I imagine you are.” She had a map in her hands that she clumsily poured over.

“Lot 198?” I said back, “I’m at Lot 199! Right next door!”

“Really?” She blinked and stared at her map. “Wow, Lot 199 seems pretty big! You said you’re coming alone? How’d you manage that?”

I didn’t give an answer. Didn’t really know what I could say, confidentiality agreement and all.

But Martha Ann didn’t seem to care. She smiled wider. “Well, if you’re at Lot 199, you gotta promise me you’ll stop in for a drink now and then.”

“I’ll try to stop in every day,” I answered. She seemed like a pleasant enough woman, with very welcoming eyes.

At that moment, a young man in military fatigues suddenly stood before us.

“Are you Mr. Cole Rapp, sir?” His voice was incredibly monotone.

“I am. But just call me Cole.”

“Sir, my name is Private First Class Cleetus Wu. I have been assigned to your security detail until otherwise instructed by my commanding officer.” He stood at attention as though I were his drill sergeant, but didn’t salute. I almost laughed out loud, were it not that I had been expecting him. Martha Ann’s eyes grew as large as dinner saucers.

“You have security?” she asked, impressed, “you must be someone very important! That explains the large property after all! What do you do?”

“I’m an explosives expert,” I answered honestly.

“Must be quite the expert.”

“I suppose you could say I have a big job ahead of me,” I admit there was a bit of a flirtatious tone to my response but I wasn’t used to the company of a lovely woman, even if I did already know she was married.

“Doing what?” she pressed, sounding equally playful back.

“Well,” I glanced at Cleetus, who remained at attention but said nothing, “They tell you why you’re guarding me?”

“They did not,” he replied matter-of-factly.

I turned to Martha Ann.  “I’m not really allowed to tell you.”

“It top secret then?”

“Yeah, confidential. Hush hush.”

“Can you give a hint?”

“Well,” I looked out the window over my shoulder. The Earth was now just a pea-sized dot. In a sea of stars. “I guess I can tell you it has to do with Earth.”

“No way,” she was sarcastic.

“Hard to believe.” I reached into my pocket and pulled out the detonator remote. “And when the time is right, I gotta hit this button.”

“What happens when you do that? Fireworks?”

“Sure, something like that.”

“Ooo,” she seemed interested by that. “Will we be able to see fireworks all the way out here in space?”

“I imagine so,” I replied. “But I gotta be careful. Don’t want to hit this button before I have orders to do so.” I looked again to Cleetus. “You don’t happen to have any orders like that to tell me, do you, Cleetus?”

“No, sir,” the young man replied, “My only orders are to protect you no matter what until otherwise instructed by my commanding officer.”

“Yeah, I guess you said that before.” I pushed the detonator back into my pocket.

Now THIS is where things get murky- I suppose in hindsight the detonator should have been something more than a flimsy red button. But for most of my explosion projects before this, that’s all detonation really required, the push of one little button. I could’ve have been more careful- maybe should have used a security code instead as the trigger or put the detonator somewhere more secure than my pants pocket. But alas, I was younger and more foolish in those days. As I slipped the detonator back into my pants I could feel the button sink down as it slid by the narrow pocket hem. Before I could register what had just happen, there was a flash outside in the distance.

“Holy smokes!” Martha Ann gasped. The other passengers on the rocket ship made similar exclamations. I didn’t dare look out the window- I knew what it was; Earth exploding. That was not good.

“Did you see that?” Martha Ann prodded me. Even Cleetus had a flicker of concern to his gaze.

The other passengers, about twenty of us total, began to talk in concerned, hushed whispers. I kept my head down, not sure what I could say. I had goofed up majorly. Why did I have to wear the skinny jeans today? I thought over and over, I have a fine pair of cargo pants where the detonator would’ve slid in no problem.

“What was that?” Martha Ann continued to ask, “It was like a massive explosion near Earth! Could it have been one of the other ships, do you think?”

After about five minutes of this uneasy conversing, the solemn voice of the rocket ship captain echoed through the loudspeaker: “Ladies and gentlemen, I do not wish to cause alarm, but it is my sad duty to tell you that Earth is no more.”

I’ll never forget the sounds of wailing, sobbing, confusion. All the while I remained with my head down, not moving. Cleetus, standing stoic beside me, had a single tear roll down his cheek.

“Dan is still in Philadelphia!” Martha Ann exclaimed, such pain to her voice, “Why didn’t he come with me now?”

The remainder of the trip to Mars on that rocket ship was torturous. The sadness, the broken spirits of the passengers around me. For myself, I was ambivalent- there were no strong attachments I’d left behind or lost, but it was hard not to feel tremendously guilty with the sorrow around me. None of the remaining humans knew my involvement and responsibility for the destruction of their home world- the government individuals who managed my case had been among those lost in the planet’s destruction- yet I could feel the weight of my actions quickly falling on top of me. 

I had been very efficient. I learned later through settlement gossip that all that remained of Earth was a thin film of dust, floating forever through the solar system. My life on Mars began with a tragic secret and I quickly established myself as the reclusive hermit of the planet. It would take me many years before I could admit to anyone else that I was the guy who had accidentally blown up Earth.