I tell myself we all grieve differently. Some throw fits and destroy rooms, some escape into books, and some cry for days on end. Amidst the family jewels and the spies, I am a mix of all. I jump from one coping mechanism to another, never settling. I was always wiggling between things. Could never pick one emotion, one state of mind. Now I find myself grieving in ways I never thought of; would it be so bad for me to grieve by making Demus’s life a little more difficult? Would it be unethical? Would it be indisciplined? Would I finally settle on one thing only? Revenge? Am I capable of revenge?

“Follow me. I’ll show you my schedule and you’ll work around it.” I try my hardest to keep my voice calm. He is so close behind, I can feel the pressure of his figure. He is so much taller than me, and even without full armor, he still feels like a menace, not only to me, but to everyone in this castle.

We walk through the halls, up the stairs, right into the third floor. Fortunately, Father put more guards on each floor, meaning we won’t be alone in the living quarters. I lead him into my room. He follows close, his steps matching mine.

I make him wait at the doorframe, as I grab a piece of paper and a pencil. I could open the drawer I put the emblem in, I could show him I know. But it’s too early for that. I can’t let him know I know. It would destroy all the planning I’ve done.

Quickly and shaking, I write down my schedule. I add little notes around the lines, signaling just how much I’ll have to do these upcoming days.

“Here, I have a week before the promised crown banquet, I need you to accompany me to the city and above, this will be your trial.”

He takes the paper and nods, reading through it. I feel small. His tall figure hovers over me, even though there is distance between us. It feels as if he is stuck to me, his blade at my throat, ready to slice it open. I put my hand around my neck, caressing it lightly.

He notices and gives me a confused look.

“What?”

“You’re shaking, Your Highness.” His voice is venom to my ears. I shake my head.

“It’s cold.”

He stares at me, checking my outfit. He must have seen right through my lie, as I’m wearing a warm wool coat and a blouse underneath, with a black pair of warm pants, and autumn season shoes. Or he might think I’m a privileged ever unsatisfied child. That works for my cover, at least.

“I’m utterly terrified of the people roaming around, really, it’s giving me a headache. I’d rather you stayed close all the time.” I say in the most profanely royal accent. He smiles and there is the same sparkle in his eyes. As when he showed off the knight’s body, proud of himself, as if he completed his life-worth mission. I feel sick imagining him take the innocent man’s life this way. Must be a cruel way to die, fighting for what is right, discovering the spy and being bested in hand to hand combat until there is nothing left of your face.

I gulp loudly.

“In any case, I must prepare my speech for tonight’s celebration and I want you to accompany me there,”

“But, my lady, isn’t there someone else of higher rank you could choose as your pair?”

My eyes widen and I turn red. “I am not taking you as my partner! Where did you get such an idea?”

“Knights do not usually partake in such royal festivities.”

A smile dares to creep on my face, but I quickly tone it down. “Oh, you are not aware? Knights play a major role in our culture, they hold higher ranks than guards and are able to talk freely and dance with anyone from the court.”

He seems dumbfounded by the revelation. I didn’t really lie. It is true. But these rules have long been overlooked by Father. Ever since he became king, there was not one knight seen at the Equinox, or any other holiday in the castle. Sad, as for my opinion. Time to change some things, and it might make Father realise I’m much more capable than he thinks.

“I’m quite outraged you do not know this,” I press a little further, but he keeps on his non-chalant mask, pushing against the doorframe, quite comfortable for someone of his rank. High enough to talk to us, but not enough to act undisciplined. He is not a Seagrave, after all.

“I shall learn more by your side, then, Your Highness.”

“Please do.” I turn around and close the door in his face but he avoids the impact.

Second day of Equinox, a time of eating and celebrating Autumn. The palace is decorated in the colors of the season, every walls is adorned with drapes and flags, designed to catch the eye of the onlooker. It seems fairly magical, when you walk through the hallways, smelling the incense and scented candles from every corner. Maids and servants are busy doing what they do best - while the king is stuck in his office, signing some important documents I am, obviously, not aware of.

Rigel sits outside, overseeing the process of putting lamps in shape of deers and rabbit at the gravel road, leading to the main foyer. I can already see little fairies floating around in the night. But, from what I heard, there will be none this year; Queen Astral decided to take back all Fae inhabitants of Malachite. Some might have been against their will. Is this truly what caring for your people means? Forcing an act on them, that might not be the best way to handle a situation such as this? How do you even handle a stirring revolt? Do you assassinate those who wish not to follow your rule, or do you handle assemblies and listen to what they have to say? Father seems to do neither, which means there is a middle ground I’m unfortunately unaware of.

I look through my window and see all this life, unable to feel any joy. I feel like a machine, getting ready to welcome our subjects, smile, talk and dance, because that is my duty. Even under the grand candelabras and chandeliers, even with countless glasses of wine and champagne and cider, my numbness to its beauties will not go away. I feel blind - for I cannot see the charm of a pretty dress, or feel the delight of seeing nobles wearing something resembling my dress from a few weeks ago. I cannot comprehend the amusement of sneaking around the castle and doing something for fun with a friend anymore. I realise I have no friends now. They’re all gone, forever, and something breaks inside again.

Numbness is the enemy of livelyhood and I cannot get rid of it. The only thing waking me up from this slumber is the knight patiently waiting behind the door, scheming my demise, not letting a second of free time go to waste. I wish I could get rid of him, and even if knew how to assassinate someone, Father would have never let me take the crown if I killed the very knight who saved us from spies of the revolution!

I slowly go down the stairs, taking in my surroundings, and the eyes of everyone, who notices just how pretty I look, and the person, the self-proclaimed vigilante and close acquintance of Father, apparently, walking right behind me.

Tonight’s dress is puffy, the whalebone strips making my movements grandiose and, for what it’s worth, royal, my petticoat and garniture sway with every step. My heels are not for running, and I’m not planning on running today. I will make my best to be calm, to keep my sights on Sir Demus.

“You make an impression, Your Highness,” he says, striding a little closer to me.

“I think it is you, Sir Demus, who is attracting those gazes.”

He doesn’t deserve the ‘sir’, he deserved nothing but pain - but I won’t be the one to inflict it directly. I’ll do it slowly. Just like I’ll slowly work myself in Father’s trust again, while pushing my own ‘agenda’ as he phrased it. It was never about me, it was always about West, and my family. Now, I’ve lost both - so yes, agenda is the right word now.

The festivities began. Nobles from Argenis and other biggest cities like Solen and Mar arrived for dinner. Multiple redwood tables were set up for catering and everyone were serving themselves drinks and food. Tiny canapes, ostkaka, flatbread with an assortiment of jams, semi-soft blue cheeses, lihapullat (wonderful meatballs for us, Northern people), and many more are the hit of the season. The whole throne room smells of pine and citrus.

I stand in a far corner of the room, partaking in foods, stuffing myself for upcoming alcohol. Recently, I’ve found myself drawn to the beverage, unlike any others, making me forget about the longing for a little while.

Demus, as his job entitles, has not left my side. He keeps a safe distance, watching the perimeter. Every now and then I turn to him and tell him how afraid I am of the spies, jumping out of the shadows and attacking us, in such an enclosed space. His response is always the same, a soft huff, and a smile.

“There is nothing to worry about, Your Highness, the guards are at their posts and I am right here, beside you. No harm will come to you.”

“And my family?” I ask, putting down my empty glass on the counter.

“They are safe, as well. Look,” he points to the dais, where both king and queen sit, solemnly enjoying the dances. On their sides stand two heavily armed guards, looking a bit out of place with their massive polearms and spiky armor.

Demus is dressed differently. His armor is of most basic silver metal, with simple designs in shapes of deers and bees. They were designed where Father took the crown - and only now I notice a weird link between the name of Fae’s Queen court and the emblems. Honey, huh.

Father must share more than a single secret with that creature of the Otherworld.

“Have you heard anything about the Isles recently?” He affirms his posture and walks around me, to grab a glass.

“Why? Should I?”

“You are an honorable knight, close to the king, and you live in the barracks. I hoped people talked, but apparently all you do is train and look pretty, which is the same.” I cannot hide the disgust in my voice, which creates a bubble of tension between us. Demus looks behind, checking the dais, and turns to me.

“You seem to think of us as lowly creatures, which contradicts what you told us the first time we met,” I look at him, waiting. “That knights are nothing but lowly.”

“Knights have not stopped the numerous attacks on my home.” I spit, and grab yet another glass, feeling the cold beverage take me to another dimension for a second. It tastes sweet and bitter at the same time.

“Nobody could have predicted those, but fortunately, I am here, and the spy lies six feet underground as we speak.” He is so proud of himself.

This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

That was an innocent man you killed. How dare you spit on his honor?

I want to say those words but it’s not right. So, I keep my mouth shut and gobble down the glass in one go.

“Do not drink too much on the job. I need you sharp.”

Not willing to be around this man for another second, I walk to the center of the throne room and search for a nice looking partner to share a dance with. I haven’t trained all these years to stand in the shadows of nobles and kings.

“Dayne?” I say, cheerful. There he is, standing beside an old man, wearing a white suit with golden bracelets around his wrists. His long fingers hold a crystal glass of champagne, and his chest heaves with every breath. I am drawn to their figures before I can stop.

“Your Highness, what a pleasure!” He smiles broadly and bows.

“The pleasure is mine, and you are, good sir?”

“Oh, nobody has called me good sir for years now, young lady, it’s been what… oh, where are my manners!” His face is illuminated with joy, but he seems to be lost in thought for a mere second. “You are the young crown princess, what crude man I am.” He bows, but something cracks and the poor man gasps, holding onto his back.

“Oh please, do not,” I help him up, holding him by the shoulder. “No need. How are you this evening?”

His eyes are nearly hidden by the wrinkly eyelids. “Perfectly well, Your Highness, since the accord that was signed by king Calen my business is flourishing!”

“What business is that? Dams, perhaps?” I throw an amused glance at Dayne, who giggles into his glass.

“Huh? Oh no, Your Highness, I control some of the trading routes to the Fae Isles. Wonderful place to trade in, absolutely, yes, yes.” For a moment I’m paralysed.

“The Isles? But the Fae queen stopped all commerce between our courts.” The old man looks confused and puts his hands in his jacket pockets. He smells of old fabrics and alcohol.

“If it is the case, I must not have heard about it, because my family and I are prosperous this time of year.”

I look at Dayne. He sips champagne, shifting his weight from one leg to another.

“What is your name?” I ask. “I must congratulate you during the speech for such great business accords.”

“It is Evrin Croon, Your Highness.”

“Very well. Dayne, would you like a dance?”

“It will be my pleasure, Your Highness.”

He passes his glass to one of the servants and leads me to the dancing space. From the corner of my eye I notice Demus watching. The scene reminds me of something, and my heart skips a beat. In the eyes of outsiders Demus has replaced the man who protected me for years. In their eyes, I am but a rich girl with no intention of being sad at the loss of a good bodyguard. If only they knew Demus would never replace him. He is not worthy of the title, nor the respect that goes with it. His gaze is predatory, as his eyes follow me as I step into position with Dayne.

“Something bothering you?” The noble asks, pulling me closer. I let him.

“Have you heard of an organisation called Peregrine?”

“Yes, it’s the trading business between the Seelie Courts and Malachite, why?”

“Not just any business, Dayne, it’s a human trafficking organisation. They sell humans to the Fae lords. And this old man, mister Croon, seems to be investing in it, while being completely oblivious.” I whisper.

Dayne follows the dance steps, but his eyes tell he is far away. I mechanically follow his lead, my right hand in his, my left where his shoulder meets the chest.

“How do you know this?”

“Why shouldn’t I? I am the crown princess.”

“I must admit. There are rumors around the towns, that… people disappear in the dead of night, and never return home. But…”

We twirl and slide from left to right, avoiding looking at each other. “But what?”

“Listen. Everything the king and his ministers do is crystal clear. It must be. This Peregrine story is nothing but a myth. A bed time story we tell children so they don’t go out alone into the woods.”

“I’ve seen documents, I know what I’m talking about!” I shout-whisper, pulling the man closer.

“Show me,” he glances down at me. I stop in my tracks. He looks around, silently apologizing at the pairs, stumbling into us. “Your Highness?”

I push him away and turn around without saying a word. I let my feet drag me towards Demus, whose eyes are still glued on me.

“Do not let my dance partner approach me.” I order, hiding behind his figure. Demus looks at me confused, but his hand immediately goes to the weapon sheath. I flinch and take a step back, but to my surprise, he does nothing to harm me. He stands in front of me, staring at Dayne, who decided to follow me, against all better judgment.

“Your Highness,” he speaks. “Princess, please. Norella !”

“You will address the crown princess as her royal highness, noble boy.” Demus sneers and I wince at the tone. I was so stupid. I shouldn’t have shared my worries or speculations. I don’t even know him.

“And who are you to speak to me this way?”

“What is it to you? Her Highness does not wish to see you, and you will leave the perimeter at once.” Demus speaks like a true soldier, his shape firm and unyielding. I do not see his face, but feel there is nothing kind there. He plays his role very well, protecting me from a potential suitor from his point of view. If I wasn’t completely sure he was the spy and West’s killer, I would have believed he cared.

“You cannot force me out of here, I was invited by the king himself!”

“Your Highness?” Demus turns to me, his side profile gleaming under the bright chandelier above us. His nose is small and long, turned upwards. The bagns cover his right eye and half of his forehead, so I don’t see his expression well.

“No noble is invited personally, they are here of their own volition and, by law, anyone who pays taxes may enter the castle, and anyone, except for the staff and the knights, can be thrown out.”

“You heard your crown princess. Now, I advise you either leave her alone or I will personally escort you out.”

“No!” I step in, shaking. “There is no need to escort him. Ask a guard to do it. You are a knight after all…” I add at the end, praying he doesn’t see through me. Demus seems rather nonchalant about it all and looks expectedly at Dayne.

“I didn’t mean to be rude, please, Your Highness, I thought we could… Excuse me.” He bows and leaves us. He disappears in the crowd. I sigh in relief and lean on the beverages counter. My fingers find the assuring wooden edges and I slide my fingers on the surface, calming the nerves.

“Was he being inappropriate?”

“You could say that.” I say, looking at nothing in particular. The room feels stuffy and I need to get it all over with. “Thank you for making him go away.”

“Just doing my job.”

I notice he has not touched his drink at all since I left.

“I’ll do the speech right now at the dais and leave. I’m done with the party.”

He nods and escorts me to the epicenter of the throne room, where Father and his ministers enjoy champagne and cider. Mother sits on her throne, holding Spica on her knees.

“Your Majesty,” I call, approaching. People step out of my way and I go up the slim stairs, leading to the thrones. Spica glares at me, or, if I understood correctly, at my outfit. I could hide two grown men under my gown.

“Norella,” Father barely looks at me, and then his eyes meet Demus’s. “What is Sir Demus doing here?”

“I am her bodyguard as of now.” The sentence shocks Father and he looks at us, saying nothing for a good thirty seconds.

“I have not heard of the… change of work sphere.”

“It happened this afternoon.” I state, looking down at my hands. “Anyways, I’d like to give my speech and be over with it.”

“You are not staying?” Rigel comes up to us, crossing his arms. “Not very reasonable for the crown princess.”

I look at Father, pleadingly but his has no reaction. Demus stays silent.

“What do you want, Rigel?”

He doesn’t answer, waiting for a reaction from me - when I stare him down, annoyed, he retaliates.

“Give your speech, but be careful of what you say.” Father tells me. I glance at him confused.

“What do you mean?”

“Do not talk about the revolution, Norella, that’s an order.”

“I never-” I shut my mouth and my face returns to its natural restfulness. “Of course.”

I clap my hands and the guards bang their polearms on the ground, inviting the guests to turn their heads towards the dais. Everyone looks at me expectedly. I take a breath and take a step forward.

“Thank you all for gathering here tonight, to celebrate the second day of our wonderful holiday, the Autumnal Equinox.” I smile, lifting the glass of champagne one of the servants brought me on a plate. “It was always my favorite time of year, the colors, the wonderful plays, the clothes and the foods. There have been things happening lately, as you are well aware…”

I can feel Father’s phantom hands enclosing around my neck, inflicting excruciating pain. I swallow, knowing there will be no going back.

“To be honest with you, we’ve been very scared. We didn’t find all the spies, and did not fully eradicate the threat. I am asking of you all, our precious guests, to help us find the intruders, in Argenis, in Solen, in Mar. Please, stay vigilant and help us put an end to this tyranny.”

People whisper to each other, heads turning, faces shocked. I bow my head, taking a deep breath. I don’t have much time.

“I am to be crowned one day, and I want Malachite not only to be prosperous, but safe for everyone, not only the royal family. On this note, I just must congratulate Evrin Croon for investing in a prosperous business that dooms our fathers, mothers and children.”

People gasp, now looking at him. The old man turns side to side, under the spotlight. Some people take a step back.

“He is a victim of machinations that lay deep inside the government and I will be the first queen to eradicate the lies and secret corruptions.” I shout. “So hear me, noblemen and women, for my first promise is: to put an end to Peregrine and its human trafficking after my coming of age banquet in two weeks, by my king’s side, because I will not stand for such cruelty in our kingdom.”

A roar of applause fills the throne room and I lift my glass higher. “To prosperity, justice and retribution!”

People cry out my name and lift their glasses. I swallow the liquid that burns my throat and turn my head to face the thrones. Father’s jaw is clenched and his hands in fists. Rigel, now far from the center of the dais, shakes his head, smiling. Mother sits on her throne, hands veiny from the pressure she holds the chair arms with.

“Who’s side are you on, stupid girl?” Father grabs me by the arm and whispers in my ear. He is too close.

“Our family’s, of course.” I snap, pulling my arm back. He doesn’t let go.

“You made a huge mistake here.” His tone is threatening and I feel a fear so much bigger than fear of death by Demus’s hand. It’s a terrorizing feeling of suffocation, of betrayal, of a punishment I have no clue about. I swallow hard.

“I called for help. The thing you could never do. It’s for our own good.” He stops his hand from reaching to my neck. I almost feel the pain from the imaginary slap. I wince at the sight. I can’t breathe.

“You will. Never. Get what you seek.”

“And what is that? Peace? Trust? Compassion?”

“The truth.”

“I don’t want the truth. I only need to save us all from-” I barely stop myself from pointing at Demus, who is still standing at the stairs of the dais, waiting for orders. Whose, I cannot say. “From the revolution.”

“I failed at raising you, then. Because the revolution are not the enemy. They are worthless and not dangerous at all. We are safe, but you… you just made a big mistake letting these nobles know. Now panic will rise in the cities and we will lose control.”

“At least they know.”

“If I could, I would hit you right this moment. Beat you until you only remembered what I taught you!” He shout whispers while his fingernails dug into my exposed skin and I wince. I can see red marks appear. “But you went too far now.”