In the end, even my slave crest stinging and burning and filling my whole body with wave after wave of awful pain isn't enough to turn my gibbered rambling terror into sensible words.

They just have to wait for me to calm down enough on my own.

Sitting in a pool of sweat and tears and other bodily fluids on my little corner of the carpet, I finally open my eyes. I don't hurt anymore, I think she canceled the punishment at some point during my panic attack.

“Yumi, tell me what's wrong,” Master Liina asks me worriedly.

My voice still shaking, I answer, “He doesn't have protection. I could get pregnant.”

Both of the altraska don't respond at all. There is absolutely zero recognition on their faces. Huh?

Then Master Liina speaks. “Uhh, so?”

“So?” I parrot stupidly. So... so... everything! Having children is, it's like, a huge fucking deal! I'm not ready for that! I can't even take care of myself!

And what about my fucked up traumatic childhood that would absolutely wreck any sense of proper parenting? I'd probably be the worst fucking mother of all time!

And, and I'm a slave! How could I even raise a child like that? For like, the rest of my life?!

“Yumi, I can't read your mind. Tell me what you're thinking,” Master Liina sounds totally confused. Now that I'm capable of rational thought again, her words send me into a rambling explanation of everything I've been thinking about parenthood and how I am not ready for anything like that. It would fucking destroy me!

When she finally gets the explanation, Master Liina facepalms. “Yumi, you're still thinking like when you were back on Earth,” she scolds me. “Things are different here. You know that. If you have sex, you might get pregnant, that's how it is. So what? You have some kids, then just take care of them for a bit before they go off on their own.”

A... a bit? How long do altraska take care of their children?

No, she already told me, they reach maturity at three years old.

They... they don't care about getting pregnant because the children grow up so fast...

They just... don't do families...

Master Liina is already a mother herself...

She shakes her head lightly. “The only ones who use contraceptives like you're talking about are sex workers, since they can't afford to have children all the time. And those are expensive, not something we can afford when we're already low on funds.”

So something exists, but they don't use it. And Master Liina is clearly saying I can't because it's too expensive. Does that mean they don't have any sort of magic for it?

What about medicine? They don't have anything like birth control or plan B pills either? Or are those all expensive too?

No matter what form it comes in, she's clearly saying it isn't reasonable to get it for me...

My scattered, rambling thoughts are interrupted when Master Liina speaks down to me again, her tone both caring but unyielding. “Yumi, I already told you, this is one of your duties. If you get pregnant, you get pregnant. That doesn't change what you have to do. Be good.”

But... but...

“But Master...” I whine, tears in my eyes. What if I have a kid? What will I do? It won't be like when they do, will it? Will she need to provide for it like me? “Please... I can't... Master...” I keep crying. What if it's a burden and she tells me, I don't know, that I can't keep it or something? After everything that happened to me, could I really abandon my own child?

Pressing my face to the floor, I cry. How can I accept this? When I have no idea how terrible it's going to be?

“Yumi, begging will not get you out of this. You are my slave, you can't just ignore my orders when you don't like them.” Master Liina frowns down at me with a look that makes me cower at her feet. “This behavior is unacceptable. You will do as I command.”

I whimper and whine, but there's nothing I can say. She won't change her mind. Won't allow me to shirk my duty, no matter how much it hurts me...

Then her voice comes again, softer now. “Yumi, I really want you to enjoy your first time. Don't let your old values ruin that for you. Things here aren't like they were there. I know you're scared, but I promise, everything will be fine.”

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How can she say that? How can she know?

How can I believe her?

Sobbing into the carpet, I respond, “Yes, Master...”

No matter what I think, there is no other answer.

It's like she said. I'm her slave, I will obey.

“Good. Malic, please take care of, alright? Give her a good time, please?”

“Of course,” he says, both altraska staring down at me with caring eyes, despite it all.

With that, Master Liina leaves the room once more. When Malic comes to draw me back to the bed, I follow obediently.

After I lie down again, he has to go back to rubbing, licking, and kissing me to get me worked up and wet again, all of my previous arousal killed off from that.

It... doesn't go well. He spends fifteen minutes, and while I guess it feels good, it's not the same. There's no desire. The subtle physical pleasure is only accompanied by that anxious, terrifying thought of how this might end.

I just... can't get aroused when I'm afraid...

After almost thirty minutes, Malic draws back. He's been licking me down there for a while already, and I'm not even that wet. He looks frustrated and even somewhat winded from trying to get me going for so long with so little success.

Finally, he speaks. “Yumi, this isn't working. If you can't get wet enough, it's going to be a serious problem.”

I can't even meet his eyes. I decided to obey, but... but I just can't put my heart in it. I'll do as ordered, go through the act, but how could I possibly enjoy it now? Knowing the possible, life destroying outcome?

“You can't just... not?” I ask weakly.

He shakes his head, one hand coming to caress my cheek gently. “I'm here to sleep with you. I'm going to do it, because Liina is right. Your first time is important. You don't even want to imagine how bad it would be if it was done differently. By force, or violently. I've seen girls like that. You can see it in their eyes. I won't let that happen to you, Yumi.”

I turn my head down into the pillows. I know he's right. If it wasn't for Master Liina, that's exactly what would have happened back in Rialetra. I know but... but I just...

I bring my hand up to his, fingers trailing across the backs of his big knuckles. “I'm sorry, Malic. I'm just... I'm scared...”

“Come on Yumi, there's nothing to be scared of,” he assures me, but he doesn't get it. “I taught you about this, remember? Even if you do get pregnant, they'll be altraskan children, they grow up way faster than humans. They'll go off on their own before you know it.”

“I know,” I mutter, then repeat myself. “I'm just... I'm scared.” I don't know how else to put it. I keep staring off to the side, out the window, to the moons in the sky outside.

Then I admit it slowly, a few words at a time as they come to me. “I'm scared of... being like my mother. Just... just having a baby with some guy. Not caring about her. Dismissing her and being terrible and ruining her, like my mom ruined me...”

His big hand rubs down the side of my face, thumb trailing the edge of my eye to wipe away my tears. “Come on, you're a wonderful person, you know that won't happen. I'm sure you'd do great. I'd even come to check on them sometimes.”

That one makes me blink. Altraska are raised by their mothers. Like I realized earlier, they just don't do families. Probably has to do with their apparently loose attitudes toward sex, so half the time they probably don't even know who the father is...

So for him to say that... I gulp. A blush is rising in my cheeks, but then I shake my head. No, no matter what, I still don't want to get pregnant. No matter how much they all assure me it would be no big deal. I can't just accept that out of nowhere. Not after living my whole life on Earth, with accidental pregnancy, unwanted babies, abortions, broken families, and everything that went into all of that.

Even if I know it's different in my head, I just don't feel it yet.

No, I still don't want to get pregnant, but... maybe if it was Malic's. Just maybe it... wouldn't be quite so bad...?

I'm stuck, caught on a choking sense of trepidation at the mere thought of thinking it might be alright. How do I do this?

Malic leans in close. “Don't worry, everything will be fine,” he promises. Everyone always says that...

And... they've always been right.

Every time, I've been told it'll be alright by people who know more than me, that things will turn out fine, and every time, they've always been right. Things have always turned out fine when people say so...

I finally raise my tear-streaked eyes to Malic's. He meets them, seeing my terror and building resolve. Then he leans down and kisses me again.

Not a big, sloppy, sexy awkward flailing kiss. A soft kiss on the lips that finally makes my heart flutter and assures me that things really will turn out alright this time too.

Here with the altraska, sex is sex. If you have sex, you might get pregnant. It's something taken for granted. So when I'm commanded to have sex, I might get pregnant.

I let that thought settle in my mind. It's a known, unavoidable risk because they don't even consider it a risk.

If I have to do it, if I have to take that risk, I'm glad that it's with Malic, of all people.

I finally push down the rolling boil of anxiety with a new sense of acceptance.

Breaking off the soft kiss, I smile shyly up at the white wolf. “Alright. I... think I can accept that. I still don't want to get pregnant, but I'll accept the risk.”

“Good.” Malic nods with a small smile. “Let's have a good time.”

“Yeah.”