It takes days longer, in her endless care, before it starts to feel like my heart is thawing, just a little. Like, maybe, just maybe, I can believe at least some of what She says...
But that's not the important part! Even if She isn't lying about everything, I can't accept her as my master. Because She won't protect me. Even if She does care for me, She won't protect me, so I'm going to get hurt again.
But no one else will protect me either. I can't trust any of them. No master will take care of me, not really. Only when it's convenient for them. Only when they feel like it.
So I guess I may as well stick with her for now, because it doesn't matter. For now, she's acting like she cares. I'll let her do that until she doesn't feel like it anymore. Then she'll betray me, and it will finally be over.
I go to her. “Hey, I'll believe you. I'll stay with you.”
A huge smile breaks on her face. “Yumi!” She throws her arms around me, and I return the empty gesture.
But She only holds me briefly before pulling back. “Yumi, what's wrong?” Her eyes search mine for something that isn't there.
Even as I'm beginning to answer, the realization is appearing on her face.
“I'm fine,” I say.
“No no no. Oh please god no. Please don't do this, Yumi.” She shakes her head, tears and panic in her eyes. She hugs me again, tighter this time. “Don't do this to yourself. Don't kill your heart.”
What is she talking about?
Her voice is shaking. “Yumi, look. Look at your Traits. Show Slave Status.”
Traits
Work Ethic: 7 Self-Esteem: 0 Loyalty: 0 Devotion: 0 Adaptability: 2 Integrity: 0 Obedience: 12 Restraint: 98 Sincerity: 0 Respect: 0 Charm: 0 Pride: 0 Trust: 0 Anxiety: 5 Hope: 0 Fear: 2 Dependency: 15 Servitude: 6 Resentment: 10 Hatred: 15 Vengeance: 4 Depression: 95
Misc Slave Rating: Z Warning: Stress Disorder Severe Depression
What happened to my Status? Why are there so many zeroes? No loyalty, hope, trust, devotion, integrity...
“Yumi, please look at me.” She pulls my face to look her in the eyes. “I've heard about this. When it hurts so much, you stop letting yourself feel any of it. You kill your heart so it will stop hurting. Please don't. Please please please,” she rambles, pleading and squeezing so tight it hurts.
Is that what I'm doing? Giving up on feeling any of this? So that when she betrays me, it won't hurt? What's wrong with that? After all, she's just going to betray me and hurt me again. What's wrong with giving up on her and just going along with things until then? It's what I did with my parents after all.
“Yumi. Yumi! No! Please no!” She is looking around in panic. Then She picks me up and carries me, running. “Something, I have to do something!” She's crying. She tears through the manor, rooms and halls and people flying past in a desperate search for something.
Then She halts, head turned toward the side, before She charges. “Veshic!” She shouts.
Then She heaves me, throwing me in a shallow arc. I turn a little in the air, before crashing straight into the blue fox-altra. He catches me in his arms, saying something or other in his panic.
“Yumi! Say something to Veshic. Something! Tell him, uhh, how you feel! That's an order!”
How I feel? About Veshic?
I don't know.
He's... what is he exactly? Just another person, like everyone else. Can't trust him, he only cares about himself.
“Come on, Yumi. He hurt you, he hurt you so much, remember? Aren't you angry about that? How do you feel?”
“Well... I guess so, yeah...” I mumble. “He tried to kidnap me. He tried to enslave me. Scared me out of town before I was ready. I almost died, and became a debt slave because of him.”
As I speak, I feel the memories bringing back the anger I had buried deep, deep down inside.
“Everything that's happened to me since then goes back to him. Because he's a horrible asshole. And...” I turn to look at him, still held in his arms. My voice getting louder. “And when I called him on it, he threw me in a torture dungeon! Why would you do that to me? Why did you have to hurt me? You were the one who was wrong! It's not fair! Why are you so selfish? Why are you like them?”
At some point, my rising cries fell again, turning to sobs. Then She grabs me back from his hands and the next thing I know, she sets me down at the foot of her fancy bed.
I'm crying and sobbing because this life is horrible and unfair and I hate everyone.
Then her tail swishes around me, soft and fluffy and comforting. I grab it and cry. Her strong hands dig into my back and neck, pressing and squeezing almost painfully. It makes me grunt and cry and it feels good.
“Yumi, tell me how you felt. Tell me how you felt down in that dungeon.”
So I do. Screaming and crying and groaning from the hands on my back and the fluffy tail squeezed in my arms, I tell her everything. All the pain and the fear, being trapped and helpless again, and how no matter how many times I called for help, She never, ever came for me.
By the time I let it all out, I can hardly speak, my whole body shaking like a leaf. Her tail is soaking wet with my tears and I feel like my throat has closed up.
Her voice comes quiet. “Yumi, I'm so sorry...” I feel her head fall to rest on my back. “I get it now. Veshic tortured you, but I'm the one who broke you. I'm sorry...” Her tears slowly track down my back, saying, “I always promised to protect you. I promised. I made you believe that I would always protect you, but I couldn't do it. I failed, and it broke you...”
Slowly, her arms wrap around my shoulders in a loose hug. “Yumi, I'm sorry. You're right. I'm a liar. I shouldn't have promised to always protect you. I should have known I might fail some day. I told you, didn't I? We're not perfect. Sometimes, there are things we just can't do, and we fail. I'm so stupid, I didn't take my own advice...”
We sit there, both sobbing for some time, before She speaks again. “Please, give me one more chance. I can't promise to protect you, but I can promise to try. I will always try, as much as I can. Even if I fail, I will do everything I can to care for you and protect you and keep you by my side, no matter what might happen.”
Her words hang in the air for a long time. A sweet temptation. A promise of pain.
She knows She will fail and I'll be hurt. But She says She'll try. I'm not sure of her, but... at least there, I think She's might be telling the truth.
“Why didn't you help me?” I eventually ask.
“I tried,” she starts, but that just makes me glare at her. I didn't ask about that. “I couldn't go to the dungeon. I kept telling Veshic to stop, that you couldn't take a punishment like that, but he said you needed it to set you straight. I told him he was wrong. Of course you would act out when he'd hurt you like that. We should have talked it over, not punished you for it. But he wouldn't listen. He had a guard posted at the door and threatened to kill me and take you if I stepped out of line.”
She shakes her head bitterly. “Maybe I should have done it anyway. Risked it, and saved you, and just dealt with Veshic afterward. He might have listened then. But if he killed me, then he would take you. I was wrong about him. He may take care of his slaves, but you would never trust him, not after how he's hurt you.”
After a while longer, She leads me through the usual food and bath routine, before depositing me back in the huge, soft bed.
Then she says, “Yumi, I'm going to leave you here now, so you can just think, alone. Please think things over. About me, and you, and what you want. If you can still find it in you to believe. If you still want to be my slave. Take your time, I'll be back in a little while.”
If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.
Then she stands, looking back from halfway over to the door.
“Release Slave. Confirm.”
It all falls away while she walks out the door.
The comfort, the protection, the care.
The suffocating walls that close in around me.
Lying to me. Telling me I'll be safe and protected inside.
With all of the chains and binds released, the curtains pulled back, I can see.
Really, truly clearly.
This is my life.
This is what I chose.
All the aspects of my enslavement. The loss of control, exchanged for protection. The giving up of my power to others, to rely on them instead of myself.
And the illusion of it all. Because at any point, that control I gave up, that power granted to another over my life...
They could have taken it all, whenever they wanted.
All along.
The red one refused to steal from me. She only took when I offered.
The blue one took gladly. No matter what I thought.
They both had the same power, the only difference being the will to use it.
Their power over me was always the same. The opportunity for abuse always present.
None of this would have happened if I didn't give myself up to them.
Except it would. Because control was never something I could keep. It could and would have been wrested away by anyone. The red one, the blue one, even the white one could have easily claimed me for themselves, and there has never been anything I could do about it.
Because I'm weak.
Despite my endless training, I'm still weak.
And being a slave just made me weaker.
The slower leveling speed.
The reduced gains when I finally did level up.
The whole thing is rigged.
I can't be strong enough to keep my agency, because not having it makes it almost impossible to get stronger.
In the end, that means there's just one thing to do.
I'm not strong enough to protect myself or keep from being subjugated.
So I'll do it myself, until I can get strong enough.
With that determination, I wait until She comes back.
She sits down on the bed, looking at me gently.
“So, Yumi, what are you thinking?”
I take a deep breath, and tell her. “I'll do it. I'll be your slave.” She starts to smile, before I hiss, “But. But, no slave crest. It's all rigged and I will never grow strong enough to protect myself.”
“But... But Yumi...” She sounds flustered.
I pull aside my shirt. “If you can't accept that, can't accept me following you willingly, then take me. I'm not strong enough to stop you. It's your choice. It's always been your choice.”
“Yumi, come on, there are so many problems with that. You won't have a slave rating, I won't be able to get your Status, punish you, or grant control to others. Even if you wear a collar, anyone could just Scan you.”
“I don't care. I'm just a selfish, broken slave now. I'm telling you what I want. You can do what I want and deal with the problems, or don't. You can take me by force, or throw me out. You're the one who makes the decisions, not me.”
“Yumi...” She groans quietly. She rolls onto her back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling with a hand anxiously ruffling the fur around one ear. She stays that way for a long time, and I just sit, waiting.
She finally sits up to look at me again. “Yumi, I...” She looks away. “I can't. I just promised to do everything I could to protect you. Leaving you without a slave crest would put you in constant danger, you would be kidnapped the moment I took my eyes off of you.” She touches my cheek, but can't meet my eyes.
“Ok.”
“Ok?” She looks up, surprised.
“I said it's your choice. It doesn't matter what I want.”
“No! Of course it matters, Yumi!” Now She looks me in the eyes. “It matters to me, it really does. But I have to protect you. I won't let you get hurt again because I was stupid and careless. Even if it means you won't always get what you want.”
Yeah, it's all rigged. Even the one who doesn't want to steal from me needs to, so that someone else doesn't.
It's not fair.
Some time later, She returns with a slave crest stone. I just keep sitting there, and let her use it on me. Even when the pain comes, I stare off, and let it flow through me. As I do, She hugs me and cries and apologizes.
Then She pulls me up, and tells me it's time to go home. She dresses us in our gear, and leads on. She pulls me over to the other one, who stands and looks surprised as he stares at me. She tells him we're leaving now. And thanks him for letting her stay to take care of me.
And that she never wants to see him again.
We move on, out of the manor, down the road, and out of the city.
Then we walk.
On and on we walk.
Through plains and forests, mountain ranges and past lakes. Rain and shine. We keep walking. We walk until I collapse, then she sits with me, lets me rest with my head in her lap, strokes my hair, until I can go on.
We pass through groups of monsters, even get attacked by bandits once. She cuts through everything without hesitation.
Sometimes we find roads and travel along them, eventually breaking away to cut through the wilderness again. We travel along streams, cross bridges, ford rivers. She makes turns here and there, sometimes losing her way, sometimes asking for directions from other travelers.
She scavenges for food as we go, our food supply slowly dwindling. I hardly eat, I'm already so thin and hollow.
I keep following at her back, until our long, long, slow journey finally leads us back home.
----------------------------------------
We arrive at the gate, where the guard looks us over with clear surprise before waving us through. Our next stop is the guild. At the reception counter, I see the white wolf again. His eyes are glued to me. They make me feel bad. Disappointed in myself. I was so good and happy and well behaved, and now I'm like this...
I don't want him to look at me...
It hurts...
Then the lion comes out and She tells him about what happened, how the meetings went, informing everyone of the possible danger so they could prepare against any threats. It's not a very long story, leading to the man asking why we've been gone for more than a year. That turns her eyes to me.
She's reluctant, but She tells him.
“What do you mean, you broke Yumi?!” the white wolf demands, jumping over the counter from where he was standing. “You said you would protect her!”
“I'm sorry, I'm so sorry...” She cries. “I couldn't. I didn't know Veshic was the reason she ended up on this path in life. She acted out and he punished her for it. I couldn't help her, I couldn't go to her and protect her. I betrayed her, leaving her all alone and... and it broke her.”
Stalking forward, the wolf snarls. “Liina!” Then he punches her in the face, before the lion grabs him. She only staggers a step, but her face falls, tears in her eyes and ears lying flat.
“Malic, calm down,” the lion says. “Why do you care about that human?”
“Because she's my friend. And I'm the one who gave the guild's permission to enslave her!”
“Permission? What do you mean?”
“Yumi's an otherworlder!”
There are startled gasps from all around when his words sound through the guild hall.
“Yumi, you said you wanted to stay,” he suddenly addresses me. “Do you still feel that way? We can always send you back. Was your life over there really worse than this?”
I stare at the ground.
I don't know anymore.
Is living like this really any better than going back there to die in the street?
Then She speaks up, but I can't look at her. I don't want to think anymore. “I can't. I can't do this. Yumi. If you don't want to return... I'll take you to a human town. I don't care if it makes us enemies anymore, you deserve better than this. I'm so sorry.”
The guild hall is silent.
“Sure.” If that's what She wants.
Slowly, she takes me by the hand to lead me away, but the wolf shakes himself free and comes to me.
“Yumi,” he calls my name, going to his knees to reach my height, and wraps me in a tight hug. It makes me tremble. I don't want this. I don't want him to see me like this. “I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for everything.”
He pulls back, his gaze drawing my eyes. I don't want to meet his, it hurts. The sadness and pity and remorse in them hurts.
Then he leans in and kisses me. I don't know what to do as his lips meet mine. Soft and gentle, pressing together with his huge hand cradling the back of my head.
I kiss him back. I hardly hear the gasps, all I can think of is him, my hands coming up to grasp at his stiff, spiky fur, and my lips moving slowly against his.
Then he breaks it off. My eyes squint open, misty and shivering. “I'm sorry for everything we put you through, Please, go live a better life, Yumi.”
My lips tremble. I have to say it. After everything. “Thank you...” My voice catches. I have to swallow. “Thank you... Malic.”
Then he releases me, and I slowly let him slip from my grasp as he stands and retreats.
With tears in my eyes, I turn. “Goodbye.” I choke the word out, and let her pull me along, the gathered crowd stepping aside before us.
We leave Malic and the others behind, walking straight out of the city and into the wilderness once more.
I keep following.
I feel... weird.
I don't know how to feel.
I'm going to be free.
No one taking my freedom and control away anymore.
I'll be free to grow stronger so I can actually protect myself.
By leaving everyone behind.
Everyone and everything that's made me who I am now.
Isn't that a good thing? They broke me. They ruined me.
They turned me into this worthless, selfish, depressed lump of trauma and hurt.
The blue one by chasing me and torturing me.
The red one by lying to me.
The white one... The wolf... Malic, he... he never hurt me. He was my friend. He taught me things when I got here. Made sure that I got a master who should have been trustworthy and cared for me.
Even when we had sex, even when I was terrified of getting pregnant, he calmed me down, he made it ok.
As we walk, I start to cry.
I'm so glad I met him.
Even after everything else, I still love Malic...