Kryan

A million tiny, angry wasps buzz around my mind, stinging me and sending my thoughts down dark paths. When I left Selene early this morning, she seemed normal, besides looking as exhausted as I had felt. Seeing her now, with her bloodshot eyes wild and frantic, her skin void of color and that power…What the fuck is going on? Why wouldn’t she look at me? Can she not stand to see me after learning of my past? I said I’d understand but fuck, this hurts. Bad. Why is she out here, so far from home? How did she get here? She looks as if she’s in pain, but I couldn’t see any injuries on her. Argh! I fight against the growl that threatens to tear free with my roiling thoughts.

I hardly pay attention to where Valdr is going, letting him take over because I can’t separate myself enough at the moment to give her the space she clearly is asking from me. If someone hurt her, I’ll fucking kill them, I seethe, my anger simmering as I’m feeling frustrated at not understanding what exactly has happened with her and not knowing how to help her. Whether she wants me to or not, I will do anything for her until she tells me to leave. It would rip my fucking heart out, but I respect her highly and will obey her wishes, whatever they may be. Even if it kills me to do so.

I want to reach out to her, to comfort her in any way she needs. The desire to care for her consumes me, fanning the flames of my irritation at this situation and spiking my anger once more. Did she get her memories back while I was gone? Does she see me differently now? Those shadows, is that her power? They looked…tangible. Like she could command them as beings if she wanted. But she was scared, terrified, as if she didn’t know she could do that. Fuck, why won’t she talk to me? What changed? My mind reels with a looming panic and my heart begins to race.

I need you to get a grip on yourself, we’re here, Valdr’s rough voice startles me from my thoughts, she needs us. I don’t know with what exactly, but I can feel Luna’s attempts at reaching me, as if Selene is blocking her out right now.

Shit, why would she do that? I wonder fearfully, both to him and myself. All Selene wanted was to be able to find a connection to her wolf, to hear from her. Why would she shut her out…Fuck. At that thought, I am reminded of myself just days ago, how awful I felt about myself and unwilling to face her in that way. No. No no no. I don’t want her to feel alone in this, whatever it is she’s going through, I worry, and my heart gives a slight pang at the thought of Selene suffering anything, especially feeling as if she is without any support.

As we break out of the tree line, I can see Hekate and Asteria rise to their feet on the porch, their two large dogs heeled beside them both. Valdr comes to a stop at the foot of the steps as Selene slowly slides off his back and takes a couple small steps to the side, positioning herself away from both the stairs and Valdr. Hekate moves toward the steps and Selene raises her hands with alarm, quickly dropping her arms to her sides tightly an instant later with a wince.

“No, please, don’t come near me. I feel dangerous, out of control. I don’t know what’s going on with me and I honestly don’t think I can handle anything anymore,” her usually soft voice is broken and haggard, as if her throat is raw from screaming and it sets my teeth on edge.

I force Valdr to shift and glance at Hekate with worry, her face mirroring how I feel. Asteria removes her cloak wordlessly and holds it down for me to take but I ignore her, turning to face the beautiful, distraught woman before me. She wraps her arms around her middle and shakes her head at me, not meeting my gaze again. My brow bunches as irritation flares and I can’t help but demand, “Why won’t you look at me? Why won’t you talk to me, tell me what’s going on?”

Selene remains silent, her throat bobbing with a heavy swallow as she glances at Hekate. I clench my jaw and fists tightly for a moment, taking a measured breath before releasing the tension coiling within me. She’s scaring me now. Something is really, really wrong and I don’t know what to do. “Selene, please. I just want to help you. Tell me what to do, I’ll do anything, it hurts to see you like this. I don’t want you to suffer, I don’t want you to be in pain,” I plead, straining not to close the few feet between us and take her into my arms.

“I can’t be around you right now,” she whispers, gripping her arms around herself tighter.

Her words are like a punch to the gut and I just shake my head in disbelief, never taking my eyes off her face. She’s frowning, her bottom lip is chewed raw and tears are glistening in her eyes. I can’t understand where this is coming from, not at all. My limbs feel heavy as I watch the turmoil in her eyes, looking everywhere except at me.

“Why?” I say on a breath, needing to hear her tell me.

Is it because now the truth to me is out there? I know I can’t stand to look at myself half the time. Why would she love me, if I hate who I am? I was a fool to believe that would ever change. What’s happened cannot be taken back, and I live with it every day. I just thought…with her…I’d have a reason to be better. To want to be. For her, and for me. For us. My heart fractures in the silence gaping between us.

She finally turns to face me, raising her bright blue eyes to mine and the agony I find in them steals the breath from my lungs. My breaking heart starts racing as she takes a breath and I clench my fists tighter, letting my nails dig into my palms. Her eyes close for a moment and when they open again, there’s a bleakness in them that terrifies me.

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“I need you to go,” she says lowly, her lip quivering before a tear drips from her eye.

“Selene,” I rasp as my heart all but freezes at her words, thumping sluggishly in my tight chest and my breath whooshes out from my lungs painfully. I lift a hand toward her instinctively, desperately wanting her to take it and let me comfort her. Her eyebrows bunch upward as she steps away from me with her palms raised before her. I plead with her again, my pain becoming overwhelming at the thought of her pushing me away.

“Please—”

“Leave!” she cries harshly and an icy dark blast of magic bursts from her hands.

The inky smoke slams into my chest and sends me hurtling off my feet across the grassy yard, slamming my back into a wide tree trunk. A deep grunt escapes me as my head cracks against the bark and I wrench my gaze toward the cottage. I can hear Selene scream my name in terror and I watch as Hekate places her hand to Selene’s forehead, cradling her neck as she goes unconscious. They vanish and Asteria disappears immediately as well, leaving me dazed at the edge of their woods.

A gust of wind warns me of Hekate’s arrival and she is instantly in my face, her deep violet eyes boring into mine. Under normal circumstances I’d shove her away, but with what just happened, I can’t bring myself to do anything at all other than breathe in shards of glass. Her cold fingers prod at the skin around my eyes for a moment before she nods once and rises to her feet, holding her hand out for me to take. I just stare at it before rolling my head to the side, only focused on Selene and how could this be happening.

Hekate’s slim hand lightly smacks my cheek and a growl rumbles from my chest at the contact as I glare up at her. She just sticks it out again at me and I bat it aside, pushing myself to my feet. I turn away from her to begin aimlessly walking deeper into the woods and I can hear her protest, calling me back to her. I ignore the words, not giving two fucks about anything at the moment. Part of me wants to tear half the trees out of these woods in a rampage and another part of me just wants to crawl into a hole. My mate is distressed, clearly in pain, and there’s nothing I can do to help her. She doesn’t want my help. Doesn’t want…me. I let the dejected thoughts roll over me as I blindly push through the branches. I can feel Valdr’s unease sinking heavily in my chest and I absently rub my hand over my bare skin in response. Hekate’s voice calls out to me again though I continue stalking away.

“Kyran, I said stop,” her voice rings out sharply and every muscle in my body turns to stone.

My eyes remain open and I have absolutely zero control over my body as Hekate manifests before me, her sharp face pinched with irritation. Her long black hair billows around her, giving away her emotional state and she points a black razor-tipped finger at me, speaking through clenched teeth. “It is not my place to discuss matters with you and I will leave the details up to Selene to decide if and what she wants to share. However, I feel it is necessary for you to understand that she has suffered a great amount of distress, her mind has essentially broken under the weight of everything she’s been carrying. This probably would have never happened to her if our issue with the magic barrier between her and Luna didn’t exist. I believe it has put an extreme strain on her mind in general, and whatever had happened during the sleep dive became too much for her to bear.

“So please understand, Kyran, that what she just did to you was entirely out of her control. Her lunar abilities are breaking through, which means she is extremely close to having access to her wolf bond. This should be a good thing, though with her hysteric state, she is far too dangerous to be out of control. I do not wish to speak for her, though I feel that she certainly did not intend to cause you any harm. Have a little patience, Custos, and see things from a greater perspective if you can. This is all I will say on the matter, the rest is up to the two of you,” her voice grows quiet as she steps away from me, pressing a cool palm gently to my face before vanishing into the night.

Hekate’s power releases me and I stumble forward a step, reaching out a hand to lean against a tree as I try to process what she’d said. Logically, everything makes sense, and I do understand what she told me, but unfortunately all my mind can focus on is the fact that my soulmate does not want me with her. I turn my back and slide down the base of the tree, closing my eyes at the bite of the bark and drop my head into my hands. Valdr, I need you to take over for a little while, I send my thought out quietly, hoping he understands what I mean.

Shifting silently, I let him take control so I can take some time to try and wrap my head around everything that just happened. I don’t want to lose the hope I grew since the moment I met Selene. I try to see this from a bigger perspective like Hekate advised and mull over the reasons as to why Selene had such a drastic shift. I know her being forced to face her trauma the way she did was not easy on her—hell, it was difficult for me to get through—so I can only guess at the severity her emotions must have been because of it.

What scares me is how she continued on afterward, even up to when I left in the morning, how none of her anguish showed on her face. I feel sorrow at the thought of her living her life well versed in masking her pain, living in silent agony unknown to the world around her. How such a gentle, caring, and beautiful woman could be torn to shreds on the inside enough to be able to destroy her mind this way is too much for me to accept.

I don’t think she’s aware of the strength she wields to be able to live life in this way. I find myself admiring her within this…mess. Because what a mess this has all become. She told me she couldn’t be around me right now, and also said before that she couldn’t look at me. I’m not sure exactly why, and I’m terrified to find out, especially after hearing her words about everything that has happened. I can’t imagine my life without her in it, not after knowing her. I’d rather die than not have Selene in my life. I want her, I need her. She has shown me that there’s more to me than what has happened to me, and I need to have her realize that for herself as well. That is, if what she’s learned about me isn’t the reason for her distance. Because if it is, then I don’t think I can withstand the agony of her walking away.