Kyran

Burning rage sears my mind, its flames consuming me in this dark hell I’ll never escape. Years of brutality, both that I’ve inflicted and endured, has laid brick upon brick over my soul and left me with this stifling, exhausting weight to carry silently as it suffocates me slowly. It’s as if I have been drowning in the blood pouring from invisible wounds within my own mind for two hundred years, screaming endlessly with nobody to hear me.

At one point, I had reached a numb existence, far beyond the reaches of pain, despair, turmoil, anger, fear. A point of emptiness inside, a hollow man with nothing worth living for. A point of cold death walking the earth. I was made for destruction and I had destroyed myself.

I learned how to behave in ways the people around me expected, never truly showing the disguise that was my mask, hiding the nothingness within. For years I lived in that farce, until I met her. She ignited my chilling darkness with her light, warming me back to life with her laughter and giving me something to live for. Her soul is so pure and it cannot be tainted by me, by my personal demons that I can’t defeat. Her presence is closing the gaping hole inside me which I’ve been floating in eternally, sending me back down into the boiling pit I evaporated from. She has become an oasis in the barren desert of my existence that I fear I will burn to ashes if I stay too long.

Keeping her safe is of utmost importance and for me to do that, I must face myself and allay the anguish that has festered inside of me for far too long. The problem is, I have absolutely no idea how to accomplish this, so I remain here, burning in this inferno as the fire roars on.

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Amidst my chaos, I feel the slight tug deep within me as Selene’s melodic voice drifts through my mind, I’m right here with you, you’re not alone. You don’t have to face this by yourself.

Her presence here is a shower of rain, soothing me and snuffing out the flames which surround me. If I were awake, I’d cry from the relief she brings me. Too soon, the rain dissipates and the fire pushes back, its heat blistering as it rises over me. Cowardly, I scramble to grasp our bond in hopes that her energy will return and keep the flames away. I am abruptly enveloped in soothing comfort, floating in a pool of moonlight reflecting over a calm ocean. I breathe deeply and bask in the weightlessness of her warmth curling around me as I savor the serenity of her energy. Drifting peacefully, I focus my mind toward finding the roots to my turmoil without suffering through the agony that it has become.

The ocean of tranquility that Selene bestowed upon me gradually fades and I find myself facing a row of opaque doorways. Hesitantly, I step forward and peer into the one directly in front of me. I am immediately consumed with physical agony, my body burns all over as I recognize the torture I’d suffered that my father called training. His voice grates my ears as he demeans me and I throw myself backward, landing hard on my ass.

My chest heaves as I grab my head, the fire springing to life in small bursts around me. Squeezing my eyes shut, I desperately gain control of my breathing and calm myself, opening my eyes once the heat disappears. I drop my hands into my lap as I stare at the doorway, glancing around and shaking my head at the other four.

I don’t know, I don’t think I can do this. Not alone. I need help. I need Selene, I realize, desperately wishing she was here with me.

The tightness in my chest vanishes at the thought of her and I rise to my feet, tethering this place in my mind as I reach for Valdr’s connection. Everything around me whirls quickly, coming to a dizzying stop as I focus on what Valdr is doing, seeing, and hearing through his senses. I recognize the living room in Selene’s cottage as Valdr lies next to the warm fireplace, watching Selene and her family in the kitchen. Seeing her makes my heartbeat pick up and I feel Valdr’s attention as he notices my presence.

Welcome back, he says dryly, though I can feel the apprehension behind his words.

Don’t welcome me yet, I mumble. I need to speak with Selene, please, I add quietly.

Valdr silently rises to his feet and pads over to Selene, nudging her lightly with his nose. As she turns to him, the affection in her eyes makes my heart swell and I realize they must have bonded while I was…away. She reaches out, gently rubbing his face with a smile and Valdr licks her palm, making her laugh.

Taking a step back, Valdr says to everyone, Kyran is here, and each of them gasps in surprise.

Selene’s hand flies to her mouth as her mother and sister smile at her before vanishing, giving us privacy. I appreciate their courtesy and shift into my human form, shamefully unable to meet Selene’s gaze. I run my hand through my hair and rub the back of my neck awkwardly, unsure of what to say. She jumps to her feet and drags her chair over, climbing onto it and throws her arms around my neck tightly. My arms snake loosely around her at first, but as she squeezes me I hold her firmly, burying my face into her hair and deeply breathe in her sweet scent.

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“Kyran,” she whispers, pulling back slightly to look into my eyes. “Are you okay?” she asks, cupping my face in her soft hands.

“Yeah,” I huff automatically, glancing at her. “Actually, n-no, I’m not,” I admit, gazing into her deep crystal blue eyes.

Tears spring up and she hugs me again before dropping off the chair and grabs my hand. “Come,” she murmurs, pulling me toward the stairs.

We ascend to her bedroom and she lets go of my hand as she crosses the room toward her closet, mumbling something about needing more clothes. As I’m wrapping her blue throw blanket around my waist, Asteria manifests holding some sweatpants and a t-shirt. She tosses them to me and I smell my scent, opening my mouth to question her when she just winks at me and vanishes again with a brush of wind.

Selene snorts as I stare at the empty place her sister just occupied, wondering how she got my clothes. Slightly shaking my head, I quickly get dressed and glance over at Selene. She steps over to her bed and pulls the puffy comforter off, nodding her head toward the balcony. I open the doors for her and we settle ourselves on the deck, sitting on her blanket facing each other.

Reaching out, Selene takes my hand and squeezes it tightly, her mouth and brow puckered with concern. “You can tell me as much or as little as you need to, whatever it is that pulled you away must be hard. I am here for you, okay?” she holds my gaze intently.

Nodding, I look down at our entwined hands as I rub my thumb over her fingers, thinking about what to say. Taking a breath, I meet her gaze again and let out a sigh.

“There is a lot to me that you are unaware of, I have a…dark past,” I glance away for a moment before continuing, “with everything that has been going on lately, things have resurfaced, within me. Things that I have unsuccessfully tried very hard to move past,” I admit quietly.

She nods her head in understanding but remains silent, giving me the space to speak freely. I turn her hand over and absently play with her fingers as I consider my words.

“I’ve experienced and done terrible things that have haunted me my entire life and now that I have met you, I fear—” I growl, frustrated with how difficult it is to say this, “I fear that being fucked up will either bring you harm, trouble you, or send you away,” I grit my teeth and look away from her.

Selene withdraws her hand and I clench mine into a fist in her absence before she kneels in front of me and pulls me into a firm hug. She slides her hand up my back and behind my head, holding me tightly for a moment then sits back on her heels. Taking both my hands in hers, she kisses my fingers before holding my gaze.

“Kyran, listen to me,” she shakes her head, “your past traumas do not define you, it is how you choose to act upon it that does. You sitting here and opening this up with me shows your strength and choice to heal. Your past self is not your present self, though you mustn’t suppress the parts of you that have suffered. There are many facets to you that make you who you are today and collectively each individual piece of you forms the Kyran I know now,” her voice is hard with her conviction and my heart thumps at her words.

I shake my head stubbornly, “You don’t know what I’ve done,” I say lowly, my throat feeling tight, “you don’t deserve to be with someone like me…I am not worthy of you,” I rasp with pain.

“This entire time that I have known you Kyran, you have only been kind, gentle, respectful, and caring towards me. I cannot just throw that away based solely on your past, that would be cruel,” she says seriously as she squeezes my hands.

Staring into her eyes, I feel her truth as she speaks and I nod my head once. “Selene, I-I need your help. I think I have to relive the worst memories I’ve buried deep within my subconscious, and I tried to do it on my own but I know that I cannot do it safely. When I blocked Valdr out, I was…not doing well. You gave me reprieve through our bond and I was able to find these memories calmly. I feel that I will need you in order to face this shit and move on from it once and for all,” I let out a pent up breath shakily as I search her gaze.

“It is not easy to ask for help and I feel grateful for you coming to me,” she whispers.

“If you do this, you will learn everything there is about me as I bare my darkened soul and I will not blame you if you choose to deny me. I just need to try, I don’t want to be like this anymore,” I bow my head as my voice cracks, feeling ashamed.

I feel her hand grasp my forearm as she murmurs, “I want to help you. I know all too well how it feels to be alone, drowning inside. I will do my best to assist you in your healing, though it is up to you to break free from your bonds. I can only show you the key, okay?” she whispers, giving my arm a squeeze.

Lifting my head, I nod and give her a small smile which she returns. Pulling lightly on her hand, I wrap my arms around Selene and kiss the top of her head before turning her around. I scoot back against the wall and drag her with me against my chest, caging her in with my legs. Tilting my head back, I gaze up at the stars and take a slow breath.

“Thank you,” I whisper to Selene, to the sky, to anyone willing to listen, immensely grateful to have her here with me.