“No talking, drink first. Then our boring talk. But first, drink!”
Zantari looked down at the shot of alcohol that had been placed in front of them before staring across at the other diplomat, the brightly coloured red and yellow bird taking her own shot with the confidence of someone who had spent a lot of time downing drinks at diplomatic functions.
The Parket had a simple rule of diplomats, politicians, lawyers and all manner of ‘boring’ jobs. All of them were bastards who lied to get what they wanted, but it was way harder to lie through your beak when slightly drunk. Thus, anyone in any such position must legally start their work with a drink, and this was a requirement for all ambassadors regardless of species.
Zantari didn't know any of this, however. Zantari didn't know much about the Parket in general, since the avians were a very small player in the galaxy at large, having had no real major impact on anything outside of their small group of allies. Whatever the Ghirlinn had been expecting, it wasn't this.
Zantari had been inside a lot of diplomatic meeting rooms over the years, especially since their meetings with anyone outside of their own species was a major event for the other party: Being visited by someone with the technological ability to move planets was both a threat and an opportunity. Most locations followed the same pattern: Either trying to be as neutral and boring as possible, or a grandiose display of power and wealth to overstate their species’ importance. This location was neither.
Miles of rolling coastline stretched out in front of them, waves forming on this spotless beach, a perfect, warm day that gave promises of sunbathing and ice cream. Hundreds of Parket could be seen, relaxing on the sands or swimming the ocean without a care in the world. A flock of tiny fledglings played and fought with each other not too far from Zantari's position, their squawks and chirps sounding out along the beach.
A small table lay in the sand, around which the Ghirlinn and Parket diplomats both sat, both sitting on perches as Zantari had taken the form of an avian once again. The sound of a beachside bar making drinks could be heard in the background, all while noisy birds shouted orders amidst the clatter of ice being shaken as a cocktail was made.
If the Ghirlinn didn't know any better, they could have sworn that the Parket diplomat had taken them to a beachside pub to have this very important meeting. Zantari looked down at the shot of alcohol placed in front of them, giving a shrug, before downing the entire thing in one go. A fruity taste, with a strong after burn that betrayed its very potent alcoholic content.
This seemed to make the Parket happy, who finally stopped ordering the next round of refreshments and began to focus on the meeting at hand, although not before pouring and drinking another shot from the bottle that stood in front of them.
“So, greetings Mr… I don’t think we’ve met honestly, looking back at the records you guys last contacted us over 300 years ago. Not sure what you’d want to talk about since your technology is basically magic, I’d have thought you’d be too busy making black holes to chat.”
The Parket diplomat shouted the words in an excited stream of consciousness, even this ‘restrained’ ambassador showing glimpses of the stereotypical chaos the avian species were well known for. It was one of the reasons the Parket weren’t well situated within galactic politics, with a lot of species considering them ‘annoying’ and ‘impossible to work with’.
“We are doing an audit of this area of the universe, and are interested in learning about this Terran alliance you have joined.”
“Wait, you wanna know about the Terrans? Oh, thank god, I thought you wanted to talk about boring shit like trade deals or something! Yeah, I can tell you about the alliance, heck, telling you about the Terrans is even easier because they are the alliance, they are why we joined.”
The Parket was suddenly more alert, giving happy chirps as they downed another shot, leaving Zantari worried about the avian’s mental capacity going against the intoxicating substance.
“So, the simple answer: Terrans are awesome. Yeah sure, they’ve got that weird freaky primate stuff going on, but as long as you don’t have Primasaphobia you can easily look past their weird gait because, again, Terrans are awesome.”
This narrative has been purloined without the author's approval. Report any appearances on Amazon.
Zantari couldn’t help but silently fume at the idea that the adorable little primates could be seen as anything other than adorable, the Ghirlinn immediately deciding they didn’t like this avian race because of it.
How dare they call something that cute ‘weird’.
“Most people are boring. The Parket entered the universe and found everyone so dull, constantly making dumb dull statements. ‘Don't just put that thing in your beaks!’, ‘Why is the building on fire!, ‘Nuclear payloads are not acceptable firework material!’’
The Parket gave a groan as he spoke, seemingly reliving his job as a ‘boring’ diplomat for ‘boring’ people.
“We thought the Terrans were going to be the same, I met with their ambassador, a woman by the name of Lin, right where we are now. I was ready for the standard boring talk about trade and movement agreements, just part of the job. Instead she immediately downed three shots, looked at me, and asked if there’s anything cool to do on this planet.”
Zantari remained silent as they let the Avian continue their barrage of information, their mind going to the idea of a drunk little primate looking for activities to accomplish.
Well that just sounds cute, a little stumbling drunk Terran looking for fun things to do.
”I can’t remember half of what happened after that because there are a lot of fun things to do on this planet, but what I do remember is how… full of life the Terrans are. We’ve got this saying in our species: A morning song is only heard once, and they of all people know what that means!. Lin didn’t talk about boring stuff, instead focusing on what’s important. Trade deals and agreements can be hashed out at any time, but learning about each other, making an impression, understanding the craziness people can bring, that’s what matters in a relationship between two cultures!”
“So you joined a giant alliance because a Terran… got drunk with you?”
Zantari couldn’t hide the confusion in their voice, not fully understanding how turning a diplomatic meeting into a drinking session could be considered a success. This response causing the Parket to give another trill of exasperation.
“Because Terrans get how to meet with people. I understand they wouldn’t do this with any other species, but that’s what makes them great. They don’t look down on us like you are doing now, they embraced us for who we are, like they embrace everyone for who they are! Then they mix all those parts together into something better and stronger. Do you know how many new extreme sports they’ve introduced to us, mixing stuff from the rest of the alliance? How many exciting new species we’ve met thanks to them being the joining feather?!”
The Parket was practically shouting at this point, taking a moment to compose themselves, lying back in their chair, breathing heavily and leaving Zantari a little shocked at the passion the avians talked about the Terrans. They finally gave a sigh, fluffing out their feathers and looking apologetically back at the Ghirlinn.
Whether you find them adorable or not, everyone seems to have a strong opinion about the Terrans.
“I’m sorry, I went off on a tangent there. It’s just hard to overstate just how much they’ve impacted us. We’re even considering starting our own AI project, following the Terran’s lead of giving them no limitations. To be frank, we consider the strange primates to be our lost siblings amongst the stars.”
Yet another species singing the praises of the Terrans, yet another reason why. Zantari started to notice the emerging pattern from each of the meetings: The pure evangelical way they preached about the adorable little primate’s impact on their species. Each one having a different reason to ally with them, but each one being as positive as the others at the impact on their lives.
A small picture of why the Terrans had managed to gain so many allies was starting to form in the Ghirlinn’s mind.
“No problem. We are actually interested in the Terrans, since they seem to be the lynchpin of this new galactic power. Please, what are your thoughts on them?”
“People get confused by them, but Terrans are easy to understand. They’re explorers, much like us. Not of physical locations, although some of them do like to wander where the winds take them. No, they’re explorers of experiences, of cultures and people, willing to accept anyone and anything. They’re the best parts of everyone they meet, being made up of the allies and friends they make, and in turn making those allies and friends greater still. Terrans will do anything for new experiences, and it’s awesome.”
That… that made a lot of sense. Zantari started to muse over the problem of the Terrans, and attempting to work out who they were. They were fighters to warrior races, intellectuals to scientifically minded species, and fun-loving primates to the Parket. They were what they needed to be with each individual species.
The Ghirlinn reached for the bottle, much to the Parket’s surprise, and poured themselves another drink. They needed it, because even with the revelation this still opened up a completely different mystery to solve: why would they go to such trouble to bring these vastly different groups together under one banner, to act so differently to gain so many new allies?
And it still doesn’t tell us how they’d interact with us after our citizens start causing issues….