Date: 64 PST (Post Stasis Time)
THE GALACTIC COMMUNITY AND YOU.
A PSA BY THE DIPLOMATIC ENVOY OF THE TERRAN CONCLAVE.
This pamphlet is also available in VR, digital, audio, braile, large print, morse code, semaphores and even interpretive dance. Frankly I will come to your house and sing it to you, if that is what it will take for you to understand these words.
I’m Jan Eagles, head of Terran - Xeno relations. If you’re reading this, that means you’ve decided to travel the stars. This also means that you now have a second job: Representing Terrans wherever you go.
This PSA is a helpful guide on how to act like an adult, which based on the amount of contact I have with other diplomats and ambassadors, is a guide you all very clearly need. In the last hour I have had no less than 40 requests for communications: Death notifications, laws being broken, and other exciting new ways you all manage to fuck up the simplest of tasks. All of which require me or someone on my team to handle, in order to maintain relations, stop a war, or just in general pretend that Terrans aren’t a bunch of unstable children running around.
So I’m writing this version, not some governmental think tank that will dilute my message through PR speak and calm words. I’m praying to whatever deity might exist, that by giving it to you straight, maybe some of you might actually understand these very very important lessons.
THE GOVERNMENT AND YOU
Realistically if you’re applying for interstellar travel, you should already know this. However, considering the amount of reports of people referencing ‘The American Constitution’. On an alien planet. 150 years after America and all similar forms of government stopped being a thing... Well clearly some of you need a refresher.
The Terran Conclave is the grouping of all 31 Terran planetary governments, with Terran being a catch all phrase for Humans, AI, uplifted species and everything else in between.
The Terran Alliance is a treaty covering 425 different species, involving military, trade, technology sharing, and immigration. It does not include the supplanting of existing laws and social norms with Terran social norms and laws. These two are separate things, please stop confusing them
The Federation is a vague grouping of all 31912 sapient species currently known to the galaxy at large. Their job is basically to host neutral meetings, keep the translators updated, and be terrible at everything else. They are useless. They are more than useless. If your safety requires the Federation to do anything at all, find another plan.
There are hundreds of other groups and alliances out in this galaxy, far too many to describe, but the main one to mention is the Estorian empire. A bunch of slaving arseholes made up of 5 species: you are to avoid them at all costs. The Terran Alliance currently has an agreement with them for each side to leave the other alone. As much as that’s going to piss a bunch of you reckless idiots off, the government can’t officially help you if you decide to do some hair brained scheme of justice and righteousness.
In general, try to stay within Terran friendly planets and avoid hostile governments, it’s not that hard.
INTERACTING WITH XENO’S
Aliens are people too. 70% of issues I have to deal with are because you all seem to forget this. The Hatil may be the adorable merging of a puppy and a teddy bear, but picking them up and/or touching them: that’s called ‘assault and/or kidnapping’. Also people tend to react poorly to being called ‘adorable’ or ‘cute’. Asking them if they’re a good boy is just confusing. Again, they’re sapient beings, use the one brain cell you’re all sharing. Stop trying to get aliens to play fetch, it’s weird.
In addition, the same applies the other way around. Some Aliens are going to look like the figure from your nightmares. It is still expected to treat these people with respect. An acceptable response is something like ‘Oh sorry, you startled me there’. An acceptable response is not to shout ‘Holy shit fucking kill it with fire’. Because then that becomes a diplomatic incident, and I have to convince people that Terrans aren’t all psychopaths.
Please. Stop. Doing. This.
Some of you might want to go further in your interactions with Aliens, ‘Advanced hugging’ so to say. DON’T. Your name is not bloody Kirk. Technically most species don’t have laws against it, but that’s because before Terrans entered the galaxy it wasn’t a problem.
Mostly because it’s a bad idea, between mating differences, physiological differences, venom's, toxins and just straight up strength differences. Not an insignificant amount of time this ends with serious injury or death for one or both parties. Do you know how many species mate through injecting eggs into the other party? More than you’d think, and yes, that’s very very lethal!
Stolen novel; please report.
However, if you are going to ignore my advice and you really wanna get lucky, please avoid going after xenophobic religious or political leaders. If you really can’t help yourself, for the love of everything that is holy and right in the world, stop getting caught!
I have to deal with this mess every single time you get caught in a compromising position with a major xenophobic leader. Fourteen times. Four. Teen. Three of those turned into a civil war! One of those turned into a major humanitarian crisis and is still ongoing! I know the taste of forbidden fruit and delicious hypocrisy is a sweet one, but it’s not worth a massive religious war, collapse of government and over 10 million Zalithians dead.
Take a cold shower, think of baseball and just keep it in your bloody pants!
HEALTH AND YOU
As all of you know, with the advances of medical technology over the last 200 years, as well as the immense efforts to provide said healthcare at immediate notice, in order for a Terran to actually die on a Terran Conclave planet you really have to try hard.
This does not apply on non-Terran Conclave planets for obvious reasons. Most non-Terran medical professionals are going to have a base level of understanding of Terran biology at best, and most Terran based medical treatments will be unavailable.
This means that you should adjust your risk assessment and thinking to match. Avoid having a demolition derby with warehouse machinery. Don't base jump from orbit. Trying to pet random wildlife will always be a bad idea. If your action is preceded by uttering the words 'YOLO', 'Leroy Jenkins' or 'Do it for the memes', take a step back and examine your dumb stupid actions.
This is admittedly one area where you aren’t the only morons in the universe. Terrans are known as ‘Deathworlders’, due to earth having one or more characteristics that generally stop intelligent life from forming. Earth actually has 3 of these in one, which is a bit of a rarity. These are:
* Extreme Axis tilt
* Extreme levels of radiation
* ‘Green hell biological syndrome’, or an over competitive ecology
In essence this means Terrans are in general more adaptable and more hardy than most races. Deathworlders aren’t that rare, around 3% of all species fall under the categorization. However amongst many species this categorization has almost a mythical aura around it. This means many species of aliens will over exaggerate your capabilities and may believe some very silly stories.
While this can be used to your benefit, it also means that non-Terrans overestimate your ability to survive deadly things. This can lead to unknowingly suggesting actions that are very lethal. Use your brain, if your alien friend dares you to drink some poison: Don’t!
Talking about poison, at all Terran embassies you can pick up a FoodAnalyzer 3000, a very simple and easy to use device to make sure you don’t die. While we like to joke about caffeine, capsaicin and chocolate all being poisonous to a lot of species, the same does apply the other way around. Arsenic and Cyanide are common flavour enhancers amongst the galactic community, and you should be testing everything you eat. Green means it’s safe, yellow means it’ll probably cause side effects, and red is poison.
Let me reiterate that, because some of you misread that. Red does not mean ‘Oh, I can only eat a little bit of this’. It means poison, aka ‘Eat this and you will die’. Then when you die I’ll have to be the one dealing with transporting your body back to wherever you came from, and frankly I have enough work as it is. You’re not 5 years old, stop putting random things in your mouth.
LAWS AND YOU
While on non-Terran Conclave planets, local laws apply, and will apply to you as well. If you’re on Bantham Prime you can pirate as many episodes of NCIS: Mars as you want. Practically every form of government and social contract exists, do your research before going to a planet. While we do have agreements with a significant number of planets, as well as the general rule that non-natives tend to have an easier time, avoiding messing with whatever government you’re staying with is exceptionally important.
Theocracies, trial by combat, trial by luck, morality police, immorality police. While you and I might disagree with these issues, and we will try to help you as much as we can if you get in trouble, the Terran Conclave does not have the means or resources in order to change every single government in the universe. We are not gods, we have limits. Make reasonable sensible choices and avoid planets where the laws and planets don’t match with your morality.
There is however an exception to this, the core Terran laws that you are expected to abide by regardless of where you are. The full list of these are included at the back of this pamphlet, but it’s basically common stuff like “No non consensual murder” or “No non consensual slavery.”.
Please note the word non consensual there. If you decide to sign up to the Hagorthian death games as a rational fully functional adult able to make their own choices, then we’re not going to bring the entire Terran military to save your dumb ass when you get in over your neck. Again, I reiterate: MAKE BETTER CHOICES.
Also, if you think you can get away with breaking the core laws, if you think the galactic community is the perfect place to be a psychopathic piece of shit; we will find you, we will drag you back to Terran space, and we will lock you in the deepest darkest pit we can find and nobody will know that you exist. Stupidity can be forgiven, evil cannot.
OTHER NOTES.
For those of you working with Scythen research teams: STOP MAKING BOMBS. Yes the research from such actions has been immensely useful in all areas of science, but doing experiments with a high chance of blowing up and killing everyone does not make them want to continue said research. That's without getting into the issue that the Scythen pacifism makes creating planet cracking weapons 'awkward'. Just tell whoever is in charge before doing anything that might kill everyone on your research vessel. Use. Your. Words.
Stop lying to Aliens about humans. No, the standard greeting is not to "T-pose for dominance". Terrans do not explode when stressed. Our AI's "genocidal tendencies" are not stopped by ending every sentence with a prime number. Yes this is funny, but also has huge diplomatic consequences, that again I have to deal with.
Last but not least, have fun out there. The dream we all had as a child is real, staring up at the stars hoping that others trillions of miles away were doing the same thing. There's a universe of sights, sounds and spectacle to explore.
It's just a lot more fun if you don't end up dead. Or arrested. Or dead. Or starting a war. Or dead.
Hopefully speaking to you for the last time.
-Jan Eagles.