Felix blinked a few times, waiting for the purple spots in his vision to fade. When his vision cleared, he found his surroundings even more bizarre than the abyss he'd come from.
He was in an office cubicle and sitting across from him was a balding man who stared back at Felix like he’d just grown a second head. The man wore a white button down, slacks, and black tie. He looked for all the world like your average accountant with one noticeable exception: his skin was robin’s egg blue.
“Umm,” said Felix, experiencing a brief wave of relief when he realized he could both see and hear again. “Where am I?”
The only response he got was the persistent thrum of the halogen lights overhead combined with keyboard clicks and lowered voices from nearby cubicles. The blue man continued to stare. Felix shifted in his seat, uncomfortable in the cold metal chair that he was apparently sitting on. After a few more awkward seconds, Felix decided he’d have to figure things out for himself. He began to stand, intending to peek over the top of the cubicle’s wall.
In an instant, the man across the desk disappeared. Felix’s eyes went wide as one blue hand clapped over his mouth. Another grabbed his shoulder and shoved him back down to his seat.
“Shhh,” said the man, his whisper almost a shout in Felix’s ear. “I have no idea who you are or how you got here, but we are going to figure this out quietly and discreetly. Understood?”
With the hand still clamped firmly over his mouth, Felix could only nod.
A ding from a steampunk looking computer on the desk rang out. Both men turned to look at it.
“You’ve received correspondence,” said the machine in a chipper female voice.
The man teleported again, suddenly back at his desk. His eyes began to scan the computer screen, pupils blurring as they rocketed back and forth with impossible speed. After a minute, the man sat back in his chair. He pinched the bridge of his nose, closed his eyes, and groaned.
“Celestial damned automated system. This is going to lead to so much overtime,” he said at last.
The blue man's name turned out to be Arcadeus - or Arry for short. According to him, Felix was now in heaven… sort of.
“So, I’m dead and you’re God?” Felix asked, nonplussed.
“Well, no, yes… kinda?” said Arry. He sipped at his coffee cup. Felix noticed the cup had the words “Employee of the Millenia” printed on it.
“To the sector I'm in charge of, I'm pretty much God,” continued Arry. “To the organization I’m more like a local administrator or sector head. Just another cog in the machine trying to make ends meet, y’know?”
Felix nodded dumbly. “And the sector you’re in charge of is a different universe than the one I came from?”
“Exactly,” said Arry. “You’re processing this better than expected.” He smiled at Felix like a parent congratulating their toddler for taking his first dump on a big boy potty.
"Wait," said Felix slowly. "Can I meet the god of my universe?"
Arry blinked, his mouth hanging slightly ajar. "You mean Gia? Oh, hell no!" Arry shook his head emphatically. "That lady scares the crap out of me. I heard she once drowned a whole world because they built a building too high or something. Nope, no way, we are definitely not getting her involved in this mess."
Arry's answer prompted dozens of questions - not only about God, who apparently was a "she," but about everything. Felix felt like he had all the answers of life's mysteries at his fingertips if he could just voice the questions. What was this organization? What actually happened to the dinosaurs? Did Epstein really kill himself? Was there a purpose to life, or was it all just meaningless chaos?
“Nope,” said Arry, as if reading Felix’s mind. “I’ve already given away too many celestial secrets, and we have to get you out of here before someone sees you.” Arry cast a conspicuous glance around, lowering his voice again. “I can't begin to explain how much paperwork is involved if someone realizes you were actually here. The main takeaway right now is that there is no way for you to return to your old life. That connection is severed.”
“Uh huh,” Felix said. He picked up a Rubix cube that looked like a Mobius strip that he'd noticed sitting on the desk. The geometry and physics of it seemed impossible. His hands fidgeted with it as he tried to clear his head. At this point, he was about ready to go with whatever Arry said. His brain was a few revelations shy of shorting out. “So... what now?” he asked.
“Hmm,” said Arry, turning to his computer and scanning through a file. “Are you familiar with the term “Isekai” from your reality?”
Felix scoffed. “You mean those animes where some random dude ends up in a fantasy world?”
Arry grinned and clapped his hands. “Exactly. It’s basically that.” A small stack of papers appeared in Arry’s hand, which he then slid over to Felix. “I get you to sign a few NDAs, a liability waiver or three, and off you pop to a magical world full of adventure.”
Felix narrowed his eyes. Something about Arry’s new grin reminded him of the used car salesman that had sold him his lemon of a Volvo. And those forms seemed… suspicious. Glancing at them, Felix noted the text was so small it would take a microscope to read. Something was going on here. The whole situation was so bizarre, he wanted to bury his head in pillows and go to sleep, but Felix was a seasoned collector. True collectors had to trust their intuitions, and his intuition was screaming that Arry was trying to pull something shady.
“What about my OP magic powers?” Felix asked.
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Arry choked on his coffee mid-sip. “I’m sorry… what?”
“Isekai main characters always get some kind of special OP powers that allow them to do whatever the hell they want in the fantasy world. What are mine?”
“Oh, I see your point,” Arry said, the crafty smile returning to his face. “Well... that’s where the metaphor sort of falls apart. We’ve got rules to follow you know - balances to uphold. I tell you what though, this world allows each person to have up to three skills. So you’ve got that going for you.”
“Ok…” said Felix, setting the Rubix Mobius Strip down and leaning forward with his hands clasped in his negotiator’s stance. “And what skills do I get?”
Arry’s eyes darted about as he fiddled with his coffee mug. “Yeah… well you’re going to have to kind of figure that one out on your own. Finding good skill shards is half the fun of this world.”
Felix sucked on his teeth, his growing annoyance turning into anger. “So let me get this straight,” he said after a pause. “You’re telling me that your automated system ripped me from my reality. That it took me away from my home and all my priceless collectibles. That there is no way back. And after all this, your solution is to abandon me on a random world with no skills, knowledge, items, or compensation? Wouldn’t that put me 30 years behind everyone else my age and seriously disadvantaged?”
Arry pursed his lips, before issuing a drawn-out answer that sounded more like a question. “Yeees?”
Felix could feel his inner-Karen fuming with rage. He decided to unleash his ultimate attack.
“I think I need to speak with your manager,” Felix said, his voice dripping with menace. Arry’s robin’s egg blue face paled into baby blue in an instant.
“Now hold on Mr. Chandler,” he said, hands up in a placating gesture. “I really don’t think that’s necessary. Trust me when I say that wouldn’t be good for either of us.”
Felix opted for no mercy though. He continued, hammering the nail into Arry’s coffin. “Actually, before we go any further, I think I might be entitled to some legal representation. Surely, I have some form of unalienable rights here?”
Arry groaned again. “Oh nine celestial damnations, you come from a reality that has lawyers, don’t you?”
Felix’s only answer was a grim smile and a curt nod. The true negotiations had begun.
-
Felix grinned as he looked over his three skill selections. They were perfect. Absolutely perfect. The negotiations had been tough. Felix first demanded five skills and stupidly high starting stats. Arry insisted that was impossible. After much bickering, they agreed that Felix could have unrestricted access to pick any three skills he wanted. Based on Arry's dejected look, Felix felt that was pretty good.
Sifting through a list on a steampunk-looking tablet Arry had provided, Felix browsed his options. There seemed to be an infinite number of skills ranging from Magical Affinity to Ariel Acrobatics. Using a helpful filter feature, Felix was able to find his desired skills in mere minutes.
Confident in his choices, Felix slid the tablet over to Arry. The deity took it with the expression of someone preparing to bite into a lemon.
“Ok,” Arry said, “Let’s see the damage.” He read Felix’s first choice and began to relax. This stopped when he read Felix’s second choice. After reading Felix's third choice, Arry stiffened, his head shooting up. “Uh, Felix? What the hell is this?”
“My choices,” Felix said, face placid.
Arry looked back down, as if needing to double check. “But this makes no sense. This is just three variations of the same skill. You can’t have three variations of the same skill. Complementary skills, sure, but the same? That breaks the rules in so many ways.”
Felix simply folded his arms. “We agreed on an unrestricted selection of skills. Those were your exact words.”
“But…” Arry said, looking down at the tablet a third time. “You could get unique skills that nobody else is likely to find for thousands of years. Skills that could one day call down a meteor or summon a dragon, and you choose these?”
“Yes,” said Felix, not a trace of uncertainty in his voice.
“Fine,” said Arry. He sighed and shook his head. A beautiful golden fountain pen appeared in his hand, which he then handed over to Felix. “Sign all the documents and the skills will be added to your skill sheet.”
Felix grinned like a maniac. If his lawyer father saw him signing these papers without even being able to read the fine print, he’d turn in his grave. Felix didn’t care. It was going to be so worth the risk. It was his childhood dream come true.
After signing the last document, a futuristic-looking translucent screen popped up in front of Felix. Somehow, he intrinsically knew it was his user interface.
“Notification: 3/3 skill slots filled. Parameters of binding agreement met. Commencing transport to Aelor in 15 seconds.”
Felix felt intuitive knowledge about his new skills flood into him. Accompanying it was a feeling of pure ecstasy. So many possibilities. So many options.
Meanwhile, Arry gathered up the forms. He wore a tired, but satisfied smile.
“Well Felix, I can’t say it was a pleasure, but I wish you luck. Aelor is a bit harsher than your world, and I’m not sure how those skills are going to help you survive it."
Arry held out a hand. Felix shook it, but Arry's hand stayed outstretched afterwards.
"If I could just get my pen back?" Arry asked, pointedly looking at the pen Felix still held.
Felix looked down at the ornate writing instrument. Delicate engravings of interlacing lines and patterns accentuated the fountain pen's meticulously crafted contours. He’d had a pen like this in his collection - not quite as nice, but close. Felix checked the timer. Five seconds remaining. He had an inspired idea.
In his head, Felix envisioned the magic word that would make all his wildest dreams come true.
“Inventory.”
The pen disappeared.
“What are you doing?” Arry said, aghast. “That’s my pen!”
“Consider it compensation for emotional distress,” said Felix with a smirk.
“You ungrateful little-” Arry started to say. Before the deity could finish his sentence, Felix popped out of existence without a trace.
Alone again in his cubicle, Arry sat back in his chair in shock.
“My pen,” he said to himself, looking down at his empty hands. He took a moment to process the situation, to calmly consider the proper form of action that befitted his beneficent divine role. Then Arry turned towards his computer.
“Ok Mr. Chandler,” the god muttered to himself as his fingers blurred over the computer’s keyboard. “You want emotional distress? I’ll show you emotional distress. You were going to go to a cozy little town where you could acclimate in peace with a nice little starter kit, but nooooo. You just had to go and steal my pen.”
With a final assertive press of the enter key, Arry executed his celestial vengeance. For a moment, he wondered if he had just killed the little mortal out of spite. Then Arry shrugged. Like he’d said, Aelor was a harsh world. If Felix couldn’t survive a bit of a challenge, he wasn’t going to last long anyways. Plus, it was already thirty minutes after clock out. He didn't want to waste any more of the day on work. Arry wondered if Sharon was still around and wanted to get a bite to eat. He decided he’d go check.