The remaining two soldiers kept their rifles pointed at Antonio Vicchady.

"You can lower your weapons," I said. "We came to an agreement with Mr. Vicchady. We've bought Zerk out of his servitude."

"Bought him?" Parksnip Oato said, his face solemn.

"It was just business, you understand," Vicchady lowered his hands and straightened his suit. "Nothing personal. I had no idea that your friend was a member of an alien royal family!"

Vicchady turned to me and said in a low voice: "They can understand me, right?"

"Perfectly," Henry said.

"I was just trying to keep him safe," Vicchady explained to Parksnip and Major Kale, searching their faces for a glimmer of understanding. "And maybe make a little bit of money for my inconvenience. There were extra expenses that I incurred – food and whatnot."

The Azodii soldiers kept their rifles leveled at Vicchady's head and didn't budge. "Listen," I stepped in-between the barrels of their guns and Vicchady. "It's all been worked out. Zerk is alive! He's free to return with you to Azodii. And Mr. Vicchady will be… compensated for his loss of revenue."

"It's over," Henry said. "I think the best thing for all of us is to just… walk away."

Just then, I heard a familiar click, coming from just behind my left eyeball. "Oh no," I turned to Henry with a panicked look on my face.

Henry's jaw dropped, his face filled with dread as we both knew what was in store for us. He held up a finger:

"Excuse us for a second," he managed, before an extra-loud molar-message from Slatt blared through our craniums:

"ATTENTION, EARTH ATTORNEYS!"

Henry and I covered our ears instinctually, but it was no use. We were being screamed at inside our own minds. The voice was even louder than usual – a clear indication that Lord Farkvold was angry with us.

"LORD HIGH COUNCILMAN FARKVOLD OF ALMIGHT SLATT HEREBY COMMANDS YOU TO ANSWER YOUR PRIMITIVE RADIO-PHONES –"

"We really should have called him back," Henry said through gritted teeth. The familiar voice zapped through the nerve endings in my molar and straight into my brain stem; Henry and I to dropped to our knees.

"YOU ARE TO IMMEDIATELY MAKE CONTACT WITH THE SLATT COUNCIL, AND REPORT THE STATUS OF THE AZODII ACQUISITION –"

"What's wrong?" Vicchady was nervously running his hands through the plugs on his head. He looked to Major Kale and Premier Oato in desperation. "What is it? What are you doing to them? Oh God!"

"It's not us," Parksnip shrugged. "It's their client."

"THE SLATT COUNCIL HAS RUN OUT OF PATIENCE! WE ANXIOUSLY AWAIT YOUR CALL-"

"I think they're almost done," I mumbled, almost losing consciousness.

"CONTACT LORD FARKVOLD THIS INSTANT! THANKS FRIENDS, AND HAIL SLATT!"

I heard a second click, marking the end of the message. Henry and I exhaled simultaneously. I slowly started to pry myself off the concrete floor.

"Sorry about that," I said, wiping sweat from my brow. Henry was still on the ground, groaning and rubbing his temples. "Now, where we?"

"You were telling them that we made a deal!" Vicchady was staring at the Militiamen, who still had guns pointed at him. "Your Zerk is free, and you were just about to leave. Unless I can offer you anything else?" He dipped his hand into the bag of dog food and held out a fistful of kibbles. "A snack, perhaps?"

Premier Oato turned his back to Vicchady and, using his wooden cane for support, helped pull me up off the floor. Major Kale helped Henry to his feet. Once we were all upright, Oato took both my shoulders in his hands.

"Mr. Marshall," Oato said, his voice deepening. I thought he was going to hug me, or just sincerely thank me for finding and freeing Zerk.

Oato pointed a sixth finger over his shoulder at Vicchady. "Did that human imprison Zerk? And use his blood to decorate grotesque human clothing?"

"Well, yes."

Parksnip turned to Major Kale and nodded. She opened her vest and produced a roll of aluminum foil, the same half-used roll of Reynolds Wrap that I swiped from my own kitchen. I watched her tear off a sheet, crumple it into a ball, and place it into the leaf-blower like device that she was carrying.

She pointed the tube at Vicchady and pressed a button.

A beam of yellow laser-light blasted from the front of the machine, bright and silent. I watched in horror as the light hit the surprised face of Antonio Vicchady, illuminating every pore in his body with a yellow glow before he vaporized into nothing.

A red splatter hit the concrete floor. It took me a moment to realize that the wet gunk, no larger than a wad of spit, was all that remained of Antonio Vicchady.

--

"Just hold still," said Doctor Sylk.

We were back up the road, in the overgrown brush where the cloaked Klargung Cruiser was hidden. Doctor Sylk was using a wrench-like device on my wrist to remove the Rolex.

"Almost there, I think," Sylk fiddled with the metal band. "I've never actually removed one of these."

"Take your time," I tried not to think about the thermonuclear explosive that was imbedded inside the watch. "I know Henry wants his watch back, but let's not blow ourselves up in the process."

Sylk gave a small chuckle, but I didn't see the humor in disarming a nuclear device that was still attached to my body. Overall, I guess I should have felt good - Henry and I were no longer facing death-by-storm on Planet Azodii. And we managed to free poor Zerk, after six months of torture. But I just felt numb.

As horrible as Antonio Vicchady was, Henry and I did make a deal with him; a deal that was immediately broken when Major Kale incinerated Vicchady using a piece of aluminum foil.

Stolen story; please report.

It was unethical. I felt guilty.

"How is it even possible?" I found myself saying the words aloud. "Henry and I are the first humans to ever step foot on Planet Azodii. And I happened to wear a tie from the one fashion designer on Earth who was using Azodii blood?"

Doctor Sylk looked up at me and stopped fiddling with the wristwatch.

"I mean, what are the chances?" I asked him. "How could this have happened?"

Doctor Sylk smiled. "It's as unlikely as, say, Gar-Mel, who possessed the technology for warming planets, landing on a planet that was crippled with frost. Fate always seems unlikely. Coincidences often appear to us as next to impossible. But that's because there are billions of other possibilities, other outcomes, that didn't happen. Do you understand?"

I didn't.

"Here's a bit of cosmic philosophy from an old man," Sylk continued. "Most things – usually, eventually – wind up making some kind of sense. Now, that may not be scientifically provable, but it's the best I've got.

"And if you need something more factual to hang onto, then there's this: if you hadn't worn that stupid necktie, then Zerk would have died in captivity. Instead, he's on a ship right now, about to return home, eating Voyt Jelly in the arms his loving wife. Isn't that enough?"

Parksnip Oato came down the ramp from the Klargung Cruiser, pointing his cane at me. "Has your partner returned yet?"

"Not yet, Premier."

"I'm anxious to leave this planet."

"You should be," I said as Doctor Sylk set back to work on the Rolex. "Justified or not, you committed a murder back there."

"Oh?" Oato's voice was thick with sarcasm. "Did I offend your sense of morals, Mr. Marshall?"

"My morals, no." I said honestly. "My professional ethics, yes."

Parksnip Oato sighed and scratched the large scar on his face. "I can understand that. We all have codes that we live by. It's a shame, isn't it? That our beliefs, our senses of right and wrong, can't always line up neatly. But really – bleeding a man for money? Torturing someone for profit? What kind of a planet is this?"

"Well, I don't think Vicchady really saw Zerk as a person. More like a lesser animal…" I realized quickly that I was only making things worse. "I'm sorry, Premier Oato. What Antonio Vicchady did to Zerk was disgusting and inexcusable."

"Thank you, Marsh," Oato said. "And I must remember to be fair. Surely, not all humans are as debased and psychotic as Mr. Vicchady. I know that you and Henry would never knowingly support that kind of sick exploitation."

I started to sweat through my made-in-Cambodia dress shirt.

There was a rustling in the bushes and Henry appeared, carrying a plastic shopping bag. "The market on the corner was pretty small," Henry said as he approached Oato and handed him the bag. "But I bought every roll of foil they had in stock."

Oato's face lit up as his peered into the bag and saw more than a dozen rolls of the finest Italian aluminum foil. "My goodness," he held a roll in his hand. "The Azodii Militia will make good use of these. The Bob would have destroyed us long ago, had we not learned to weaponize the aluminium molecule. Which reminds me -"

Parksnip shouted back into the bridge of Klargung Cruiser, "Bring the humans' suitcases out here, please!"

A few seconds later, Zerk appeared at the top of the ramp, dragging my gym bag on wheels and briefcase. "He didn't mean you, Zerk dear!" Lady Denebola followed him. "Let one of the Privates handle their baggage. You need to rest!"

"Oh, it's no problem!" Zerk's face was bandaged and his skin still a sickly purple color, but he was in a cheerful mood. "I'm happy to help. Here you go, humans!"

Major Kale and one of the Azodii soldiers followed them down the ramp, pulling Henry's beaten-up Prada tote.

"She's right, Zerk," Parksnip said. "You should be recuperating. Is there anything left of your ship?"

Zerk shook his head. "Just a few pieces of scrap metal. It was broken beyond repair before I even left the Odii System. I don't know how I managed to make it off the Qwazler Moon! After the mining site was attacked by the Bob –"

He stopped momentarily, so they could all make the obscene gesture. He continued:

"- Those Bob bastards left everything in flames. The ship's navigation system was damaged during the attack, which I guess is why the autopilot warped me across the galaxy to Earth. I crashed in a field not far from here."

Zerk took a deep breath of fresh air. "But I am going to miss this atmosphere! Isn't it pleasant, Parksnip? I was just telling Denebola, that's how Mr. Vicchady found me in the first place. I had some emergency rations on my ship, including a very good bottle of Tchugg, so after I crashed I just set up a camp in the woods. I was so happy to be alive, and on a warm planet no less! I must have drank myself silly and passed out. And when I woke up, there I was in Mr. Vicchady's guest room, chained to the floor."

"You'll be home soon, Zerk," Parksnip Oato said. "The people of Azodii will celebrate your return."

"Come back inside," Lady Denebola put her arm around her husband. "There's more Voyt Jelly in the back of the ship."

"Is Mr. Vicchady coming back with us?" Zerk raised his eyebrows hopefully.

"No dear," Lady Denebola gave him a patronizing smile. "Mr. Vicchady will be staying here. On Earth. Forever. Come on," she tugged on Zerk's wrist and led him back up the ramp and into the cruiser. "Oh, farewell, Mr. Henry Todd, and… partner!" she shouted over her shoulder before disappearing.

"We'll tell Zerk later," Parksnip said to us, once they were out of earshot. "Break it to him gently, somehow. Clearly, he's still traumatized. Doctor Sylk, are you nearly done?"

Sylk continued to poke and twist at the Rolex on my wrist. "Nearly," he muttered. "This clasp is a little tricky… I don't want to poke it the wrong way because it may detonate."

"Be careful!" Henry looked nervously at the tool in Doctor Sylk's hand. "Don't scratch the face. It'll cost me a fortune to have that thing repaired."

Parksnip pointed to our luggage. "In the meantime, let's get those contracts signed. You have the Acquisition Treaty from Slatt?"

Henry opened my briefcase and retrieved the duplicate leather-bound folios, while Parksnip Oato produced a ceremonial case from his coat pocket, which contained a sharp needle.

Parksnip scanned the pages, reading the agreement superficially.

"Premier Oato," I said. "I know that Lord Farkvold is looking forward to acquiring Planet Azodii as a new Territory. But I have to ask – are you sure that this what's best for your people?"

"Marsh," Henry started, but I continued.

"I hate to speak ill of our own client, but the Slatt Empire can be, well…"

"Ruthless?" Oato offered. "Brutal? Controlling and uncaring? Yes, I'm well aware of the nature of the Slatt, Mr. Marshall."

"You'll lose your independence," I said. "Don't the people of Azodii want to remain free?"

"Free to do what?" Oato closed the folio, I saw tears in his eyes. "Free to be slaughtered by the Bob? Free to watch our children and grandchildren die in a conflict they had nothing to do with? Tell me, what good is freedom if everyone is dead?"

Oato rubbed his face and sighed heavily, "I'm an old soldier, Marshall. It's taken me fifty years to learn that we shouldn't sacrifice ourselves, or our children, for the sake of an abstract concept. You can say you're fighting for independence or justice, but at the end of the day you just wind up building a bomb depository next to a medical center. And a missile silo next to a children's school. All in the name of safety. Of freedom."

Parksnip opened both folios to the signature pages, and set them on the ground in front of him. He took the long needle in his hand, expertly pricked his finger, and signed his name in blood across the bottom of the pages.

"From now on," he rubbed the brilliant orange blood on his finger until it started to clot. "The Slatt can fight our wars for us. Let their soldiers die for a cause. I'm tired of seeing orange blood spilt for no reason."

Parksnip collected his copy of the Treaty. Henry put the other signed copy, the one for Lord Farkvold, back into my briefcase.

"How is it looking, Doctor Sylk?" Sylk was tinkering away on the watch, which was still very much attached to my wrist.

"Um," Sylk stood and stretched his hands above his head. "Well, the good news is, I think it's disarmed."

"You think?

"Yes," Sylk said. "So it probably won't explode."

"I'm really starting to really dislike your ambiguity, Doctor."

"But unfortunately," Sylk put the metal tool back into his shirt pocket. "It is stuck."

"You can't get it off of him?!" Henry's face flushed bright red. "Can't you keep trying?"

"He's been at it for nearly a half-hour, Henry," I said.

"And we really must be going. Now," Parksnip turned and started up the ramp. "Come on, Doctor. Goodbye, Henry. Goodbye, Marsh."

Sylk shrugged his shoulders, gave us a slight bow, and followed Parksnip up the ramp.

"But –" Henry shouted after him. "Wait! There must be something you can do –"

"It should be fine. Just don't mess with it, or try to take it off," Sylk said. "Goodbye!"

The ramp folded back into the Klargung Cruiser, and engines began to hum. The ship launched into the air above us, hovered momentarily, then with a whoosh it disappeared into a yellow streak across the early night sky.