I look at the suitcase on my bed with a strange feeling building up in my chest. So it really was happening now? Was I going to leave? This city? This family? This home? I turned 16 a few months ago and it was expected of me to have a job. Father thought it would be a good idea if I followed in brother Dawood’s footsteps and became a soldier in this country too, but what bothered me was the lack of adventure. I really wanted to see something new. Unlike my brother, I don’t know much about our home country Pardesia. I was just 6 years old when we came here and I don’t remember Pardesia all that much. I was bored of seeing the same scenery every day. We didn’t even travel all that much, ever. It intrigued me to see a new country with different cultures, and one with so many riches. To be honest, mother was very happy to hear I would earn so much but for me, it wasn’t at all about the money. Wasn’t money just a piece of paper humanity invented to trade goods? Pondering about that, I finally closed the suitcase. All that I needed was stored there now. A whole life does really fit into a suitcase like that, huh?

‘Brother Kian!’ My twin sister Jazmeen moved into the room.

‘Are you about ready? The carriage is coming in half an hour.’ She asked. It seemed like she was hiding some kind of sadness. Was she sad about my leave? We fought once in every while but in general my relationship with her was better than my relationship with Lapis or that with our oldest sister, Sanaaz. For one like me, our two oldest sisters were just a bit too dominant, although it seemed like Jazmeen was becoming a bit more like that too.

‘Yeah, I have my suitcase ready.’

‘Are you sure you didn’t forget anything? You are so prone to forget the most important things.’ Jazmeen asked, giving a worried and yet mocking expression.

‘Hey, I am not that forgetful.’ I replied, trying to save myself from the mockery.

‘Oh my boy!’ Suddenly, our mom came inside and wrapped her arms around me gently.

‘My boy.. I am so happy you are going onto an adventure like that! Meeting new people, meeting the richest King in the known world and.. earning plenty of money! But… Oh.. how I will miss my second boy.. We will be so lonely without you!’

‘M-mom! Stop saying things like that! I am really not leaving if you are being sad like this!’ I couldn’t stand seeing her cry. If she actually started crying, I would really reconsider my decision. I checked her eyes to see if she was crying. I was glad to see her eyes were dry. So she really was just sad, huh?

‘Brother -’ Suddenly, my youngest sister entered the room. She had the same hair colour as Lapis but a tanned skin and crimson eyes like all of our siblings apart from Lapis. She was only 8 years old and the youngest among us all, because of that, she was spoiled by everyone.

‘Kimia?’ I asked and gave her a curious look. Facing her and saying Goodbye to her was going to be hard. It hurt my heart just thinking about it.

‘Brother! You forgot something! You shouldn’t close your suitcase so quickly!’ She said. I noticed she was hiding something behind her back.

‘Huh? What did I forget?’

Mom already released me from her grip and looked at Kimia, Jazmeen stood there with her arms crossed and looked at our little sister too. No one seemed to know what the thing she said I forgot was.

‘Look brother!’ From behind her back, she presented a teddy bear. It wasn’t too big, but big enough to work like a small pillow.

‘This loyal boy here will be there for you, protect you and comfort you if you ever think of us and miss us! He will be there for you through the tough times! You need to re-open your suitcase so he can take a seat!’

Huh? Eh? Really now that was.. a little childish wasn’t it? I was already 16 years old and I was a boy. But still.. This was a sweet gesture! How could I tell her what I really thought? She was way too sweet to have her heart broken.

‘Heh. That is very considerate of you Kimia. Let’s open the suitcase and give him the seat he deserves.’ I replied and re-opened the tightly closed suitcase.

‘Heh? A 16 year old boy who wants to become a soldier in a foreign land running around with a teddy bear for comfort? Weirdest thing I’ve heard but whatever suits you right.” Jazmeen commented with a shrug of her shoulders.

Why did she have to be so bold?

‘Be quiet older sister! Exactly because brother will become a soldier he needs a teddy bear like this!’ Kimia yelled at Jazmeen as she placed the teddy bear into the suitcase.

‘Yeah right. If you gave him a few more bucks of money he could make better use of that I’d guess.’ Jazmeen waved Kimia off unimpressed.

‘Don’t listen to her Kimia, she is just jealous she never got a nice gift like that from you.” I assured Kimia and kissed her forehead.

‘Oh? So is it time already? You should hurry, little brother, the carriage won’t wait for you forever.’ Lapis entered the room at last, she wore a soft smile on her lips and leaned against the wall. I always knew that she was the type who wouldn’t show her emotions so much, so it wasn’t a surprise to see her less concerned about my leave than the rest.

‘I know sister.’ I picked up the suitcase and threw over my light jacket. It wasn’t cold at all, but I might need it later when it got colder.

‘You becoming a soldier huh? You didn’t even train enough yet and I heard over there in the land ruled by the richest King of the world they are not as easy going as here. It will be especially tough on you because you never went to a school in Pardesia. Fufu…’ Lapis said in her typical cheeky manner. Damn, so even I as her younger brother won’t be spared huh?

‘I will learn everything there. I am ready to get beaten up before I am good even so it won’t be that much of a problem.’ I replied, trying to sound as confident as possible. But the truth was, even I didn’t know what was awaiting me.

‘Huh? Well that is good to hear. Who knows? You might become even stronger than Dawood, with proper training under harsh circumstances with a training much rougher than in this pitiful excuse of a country.’ Was her reply, still as cheeky as always. There was no changing that young strong willed woman, but never mind, I liked her just the way she was. With her spirit and honesty, she was often able to motivate us all, she very often pulled us out of situations that seemed to be a dead end. We didn’t show it all that much, but she was even more of a protector to us than father was. Father could be reckless, too quick to kill and too easy to anger. She had the calamity of a woman within her, even if not noticeable from the outside.

The five of us went outside then, it was almost time to leave. Mother held my right arm and Kimia my left hand. Lapis and Jazmeen walked behind us. Outside, we met Dawood and Father. The two went out hours in advance to find me a carriage.

‘Hey Kian! Hurry up, the roads will be busy in an hour so it’s best to leave quickly.’ Dawood said and rushed over to me. Being the helpful big brother he has always been, he took the suitcase from me and placed it into the back of the carriage.

Ugh.

This started to feel weirder the more I thought about leaving. I looked at the house now behind me, the house filled with pleasant memories of the past. A safe and well protected childhood. There was no suffering in my life, only small fights with my siblings once in every while. I had a happy childhood. I wondered, would it be over the moment I stepped inside that carriage?

I shook my head and tried to have a more positive look on the future.

‘This is Goodbye for now then, mother.’ I hugged my mother first. I hugged her dearly, tightly. She was the best mother one could have wished for, and I didn’t say this just because she was my mother. I heard from friends and classmates how their mothers treated them, and I even witnessed it whenever I visited them. None of their mothers were as kind as my own. When looking into the emerald jewel like eyes of my kind mother, one could easily see just how kind hearted and empathetic she was. I wasn’t the only one who thought that about her, it was literally everyone who ever met her who thought exactly that. We hugged for a long time, it seemed like neither of us wanted to let go. Never ever, did I think I would have to say Goodbye to my mother. And I wondered again, did I really want that?

‘Take care of yourself Kian. And send us letters, at least once a month.’

‘I will mom. I’ll also send half of my salary to you. I am not doing this just for myself after all.’ I replied and kissed her cheek.

‘Be a big boy and grow strong already, I’ll be disappointed if you return as a weakling.’ Lapis said with a laugh and rubbed my head rather roughly. I don’t think she needs a hug right? Right.

I leaned down to be at Kimia’s height then. Her crimson eyes filled with tears. No…no.. don’t cry? If you cry.. I won’t be able to leave..

‘Brother!’ She sobbed and clinged onto me. I held her in my arms and hugged her tight.

‘Kimia, don’t cry. I’ll come and visit! And I’ll bring you lots of toys! I promise!’ I tried to cheer her up with my words, but even for me, at this moment, it was more than hard.

She nodded and wiped her tears away.

‘Don’t be so sad my love, he is going to be very happy over there and his happiness will make us happy too, right?’ Mother rubbed Kimia’s shoulders as she tried to calm her down with the soothing words.

‘Take care brother. I’m sure you’ll make us all proud.’ Jazmeen said and invited me to a half hug with her outstretched arms. My twin sister, my other half. Throughout all these years, she was the one I was closest with. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say she knew all my secrets. Well, probably she did know all of them, apart from anything… girl related.

‘So! You’re going to become one hell of a lad huh? When you come back, let’s have a match to see who is the strongest one of this household!’ Dawood said as he jumped and hugged me. Ugh, as usual, it kind of hurt. That guy had just too much strength and often he didn’t know how to hold it back.

Father smiled at me. It was a kind smile. I looked at him in admiration. This was the man who brought life to all of us, the man who protected us through all these years and the man who loved us more than anything. He was an idol to me and I wanted to become as strong as he was, besides that, I wanted to be able to protect our family.

‘My son, it is difficult to say Goodbye but, I know this is what you want from your heart and I’ll support you in this! If you ever need something or if you think about coming back, do so without second thought. Our doors will always be open to you.’

‘Heh, you know father, I think I won’t come back before I am strong enough! I want to prove that I can be as tough as you and Dawood after all!’ I hugged father then. He was the last of my family whom I hugged. Before I boarded the carriage I looked at all of them. In some of their eyes, I saw tears.

Please no. If they are going to cry, then what would I do? It would make me cry too.. if not now, then surely once I was on my way…

I waved my hand as I noticed the carriage beginning to move.

It was really happening. I left behind all I loved.

‘Take care Kian! Don’t forget to send letters!’ Mother said as she waved at me. Everyone was waving now, even Lapis.

Goodbye family. Until we see each other again, please be well. I closed my eyes once everyone was out of sight, at some point, I couldn’t even hear them anymore.

If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

This is where it got hard even for me. I tried to hold it back, but bit by bit, the tears rolled down my coldened cheeks.

It didn’t take long until I fell asleep. I don’t know how.. I was so sad, but it just happened. Maybe my body protected itself by shutting itself down. Either way, it was pleasant.

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After some hours, I woke up. When I came to, I felt dizzy. At first, I didn’t realize where I was. I expected to wake up in my bed. When I realized I slept in a sitting position, I was confused. Looking around, there was no one. I moved the curtain from the small window of the carriage and peeked outside. Nothing but grassy fields. Huh? Ah.. I was already on my way… For how long have I been asleep? I couldn’t say. But it must have been at least a few hours, I felt really good and full of energy. The only issue was my growling stomach. Why did I have to get hungry now? Out here, I wouldn’t find anything to eat unless I’d go hunting. I sighed and remembered my mother actually spent three days in the kitchen making food for me to eat while on my way.

Ah right! It should be in that bag she gave me! As happy as ever, I grabbed the packed food and ate it, sating my hunger.

Hm, alright. I slept well and I was no longer hungry, and yet I still had a long way to go. This was a journey that would take days. I hated thinking about how much longer it would take to reach my destination, but I knew I had no other choice but to accept the obvious. It was my wish to go to the land of the richest King in the known world, so I had no right to complain about the means to get there now.

I accepted things as they were and endured the long journey, which was done partly by carriage partly by ship…

And after 12 long days, I finally reached my destination.

—-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I stepped out of the carriage, I stretched. I had the backpack I brought over my shoulders and the driver brought me my suitcase. I looked in awe at the city where every building was made of Gold. Woah! I’ve never seen something like this in my life. It wasn’t just the buildings that were made out of Gold, it was the clothing and jewelry of what seemed to be ordinary people too. They were just people selling vegetables, and yet they wore clothes with garments of gold and heavy jewelry. Was this the promised heaven the so-called Gods teach us about in books? My mouth gaped as I had no choice but to stare at these new impressions in awe.

‘Young lad, I hope you had a pleasing journey, your father paid in advance so nothing to worry about here! Enjoy your stay and take good care of yourself!’ The voice of the driver suddenly spoke and while it was impolite I had trouble looking at him. I was just in so much excitement over seeing something so wondrous.

‘Oh? Ah yeah, still take this please, I really had a pleasing and safe journey, thank you for that!’ I gave him some more money. It would be rude not to, he endured the tough journey just as I did, and I knew well how annoying things could get.

‘Thank you very much young man!’ With that, the driver left me there in this Golden City. I looked at the people again, this time not their garments or their jewelry, this time my attention was their faces. Everyone was happy. They seemed to not worry about anything. It even seemed like none of them ever experienced something bad. I couldn’t believe such a place existed. How was that even possible? Wondering while I was still in awe, I began to walk. As I walked, I had to look left and right. Jeez, these were just way too many new expressions for an inexperienced fool like me. Maybe I should have done my first trip somewhere more familiar, I probably looked like a fool to everyone here.

‘Hey, what is that guy wearing? Maybe he is mentally ill?’ A passing woman whispered to another woman.

‘Stop that, he might just be poor or a foreigner.’ The other answered.

Ugh. So I was right. I was looking like a fool here. It really embarrassed me. I should have known..Anyway there was no changing this now. I’d just have to keep walking proudly, ignoring all these rude whispers! After all, my destination was… I looked at the map in my hand. Right, the Golden Palace of the Richest King in the Known World, Nobanohid.

It seemed easy enough to get through the busy streets, the map was easy to understand and I was able to get closer to the Palace without much trouble.

As I neared the Palace, I noticed the streets getting less busy. Until I reached an area that was completely empty. It was strange. There were no guards here, did people just know they shouldn’t be so close to the Palace? I mean, if the strange looking foreigner was still able to reach this place, then the people living here should be with ease, shouldn’t they? Never mind. I walked on and noticed two guards in golden half armour standing by the Golden Gate of the Palace. Once I was close enough, they both pushed their lances into my face.

Well, this was to be expected.

‘State your business, foreigner!’ They proclaimed in sync.

‘My name is Kian Saidi, I have an appointment with the King. I am to serve as a soldier in the Kings Army.’

‘Hm? Kian Saidi? Never heard that Name. Where is proof of your audience with the King?’

‘One second.’ I looked around in my pocket and found the letter of agreement and the invitation from the King I received months prior after I applied. Handing it to one of the guards, he read through it and gave the other a nod, before giving the letter back to me.

‘You may enter, Saidi.’ The Gate opened automatically.

Now here I stood, in a place many of Ilum Maru would never even dream to reach. Was this reality? Or a dream? Or maybe I just died? Was I reincarnated in a different body? I laughed at my own thoughts.

I saw the entrance in front of me and a sudden feeling hit me. What was it? Was it excitement or fear? I couldn’t tell, because it was something I’ve never felt before. Should I.. go on? Come on now, am I really hesitating? What was wrong with me? After having come all this way! I shook my head and moved on. Two other guards stood at the large entrance, decorated with Gold and pearls never seen by anyone in Pardesia or the country of the Dominus Generi… It felt like I was out of place here.

I peeked inside and saw a large figure standing by his throne.

It was a huge man, he was more than 2 meters tall, I was sure. He had dark long hair,he was muscular and bore black tattoos over his chest. He wore a golden robe that covered just his legs up to his knees, he wore some jewelry, all of it was Golden, but it wasn’t too much either, it was just the perfect share of jewelry for a male.

‘Kian Saidi, half Pardesian, half Milatrifian I take it? So you arrived at last. Be pleased to enter this Golden Kingdom, be in awe at the perfection that is this country, this palace. Prove yourself worthy to me and my soldiers, and be rewarded a place in the ranks among them. It won’t be an easy task to overcome for a subhuman like yourself, but it’ll be entertaining to see your struggle! Hahaha!’ He laughed out loud as he picked up a Golden Cup. Inside it was a green fluid. What was it? He gulped it down in one go.

‘Hmm.. oh.. ehh..’ I didn’t know what to say or how to act, after all, I’ve never met a King so close up before.

‘Kneel down, rude rat!’ A guard pressed his hand on my neck and forced me down onto my knees.

‘Ah.. oh yes, I am sorry!’ I pretended to know my mistake, but in truth, I didn’t know it was expected to bow to a King.

‘Enough of him in my scared throne room. Take him to his chambers. Make sure he gets a good meal and enough sleep. Tomorrow morning, he’ll prove his worth to us. Let’s see what this foreigner is made of.’ Nobanohid smirked in a somewhat sinister way.

Wait.. they wouldn’t actually give me time to train? I wasn’t a soldier.. I was a newbie and I thought I would learn here from them. Wasn’t that the agreement? I gulped as I pondered about it. I didn’t have much time to think and I didn’t have the guts to say anything to the King. The guard pulled me away and brought me to my room.

Damn it.

Was this after all, a mistake?!

I was shoved into my room like I was nothing but a piece of annoying garbage. The door behind me closed and I looked around.

A huge bed? No actually, it is extremely huge. This was way too much for just one person. I didn’t need this much. Well, by how he just spoke to me, I didn’t think I would be able to live in such luxury.

I tried to ease myself up more. He might have been a bit rude out there but maybe this was just the way Kings behave. I wasn’t here to become his friend, I was here to serve him, work for him. So I shouldn’t expect him to treat me any special.

Nodding at that, I remembered what he said. A good meal and good sleep to prove myself tomorrow? I should probably listen to that and get some sleep, as for the food, maybe I will be getting some soon?

I couldn’t be sure. Either way, I wasn’t that hungry yet so I decided to just change and lay on the bed. Staring at the ceiling, I realized how quiet this place was. It was strange, with so many people in this palace, there should be more noise. Having grown up with five siblings, I wasn’t used to this kind of quiet. It seemed a bit boring and lonely. Or maybe the rooms here were just designed like this so people were able to sleep? Hm, either way, this place could use a little more life. Agh, This annoying feeling again. I didn’t know anyone here yet. I haven't made friends yet. It would take a while until I would get comfortable here. It was in many ways a journey. I closed my eyes and was half asleep, at some point during the night, food was shoved into my room. I was too tired to take it so I left it for the next morning.

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The morning came quicker than expected. Birds were chirping. I was surprised, this was a very hot country, and yet the birds would come out so early in the morning? Though.. I got up and stretched, getting a good feel of the temperature myself. This early it was still rather cool. I checked the time and noticed it was only 5 in the morning. Oh, would anyone be up this early? I wasn’t told at what time to get up by the King.

Anyway. I had enough sleep.

I got up and grabbed the plate handed to me last night. I ate from it and filled my empty stomach.

After taking a bath I went out into the hallway and looked around aimlessly.

It was strange being at an unfamiliar place and not knowing what to do. I decided to just walk about.

‘Oh? Are you the rookie from far away?’ A girl with fair skin, piercing blue eyes and long blonde hair that was tied to a long braided ponytail approached me, she was holding some clean sheets which smelled really good, they were freshly washed it seemed.

‘Hm? Ah yeah, I guess, my name is Kian.’

‘A pleasure to meet you, Mister Kian. My name is Emmy. I serve as the Princesses personal Maid. You seem lost. Do you need help?’ The girl responded in a calm manner. I was in awe for a moment. She was just so beautiful, I couldn’t keep my eyes off her.

‘... ‘

I finally came back to my senses.

‘Ah. Hm well I don’t really know what to do. I mean, I had no clear orders.’

‘Hm, you probably should head to the training yard. If you want I can guide you there. I don’t have a lot of time but it will be difficult to get there by yourself if you’re not yet used to the Palace. So please, follow me.’ Emmy gave me a kind nod and began to walk.

Without protest I followed her. I looked at the pictures hanging in the hallway. Figures I didn’t know were shown in these pictures. Gods? Ancestors? I couldn’t tell. Hm, I might find out one day. But actually, it wasn’t all that important to me.

After some walking we reached the training yard.

That place was truly not as beautiful as the Palace. It even seemed like we already left the palace and stepped into a different world. Sand, Blood, Sweat, Weapons. The smell of battle was in the air. This is a place filled with only men. All of them wore nothing but a cloth to cover their intimate parts. The were all muscular, bulky and none of them had a smile on their faces.

Emmy even covered her nose. So she couldn’t stand the smell here huh? To be honest, it wasn’t a nice smell for me either, but if I acted like it bothered me now, no one would take me seriously. If I can’t even stand a bad smell like that, how could I ever become a soldier?

It was strange being at an unfamiliar place and not knowing what to do. I decided to just walk about.

‘So here it is, Mister Kian! I am sorry, I have to go back to the Princess!’ Emmy bowed and left right away.

‘Ah yes, thank you for bringing me here, Emmy.’ I thanked her but I wasn’t sure if she still heard what I said. I hoped she did thought, saying thank you was important.

I walked around aimlessly once again. It felt strange. I didn’t know anyone here, these men were all taller and older than me and none of them seemed friendly. How should I approach men like them?

They were punching each other, throwing blows of their swords and lances at each other. No one just sat around having a friendly conversation.

So.. the way to communicate here was through fighting?

‘Arrrgghhh!’ Suddenly, I felt a sharp and burning pain over my back.

What in the?! I turned around to look at the source of the pain while holding my injured back.

In my view stood a tall elderly man who held a whip.

He just hit me with that? Why?

‘Kian Saidi! If you are here then do not waste time walking around like a fool! Look at your seniors, look for a sparring partner and learn the art of war from them! If you space about any longer, you will be punished accordingly! The King only accepts the best of men in his army! If you ruin your opportunity on your first day, then death will be your only punishment!’ The men yelled angrily. He held the whip tightly, ready to strike again.

Damn it. A sparring partner? I looked around and saw that most of them were occupied.

‘But, they are all busy. I will fight by myself-’

‘SILENCE!’ The whip came flying at me again, I jumped back in time just to dodge it.

‘If you can’t find a single man to fight, then fight two of them!’

Since the whip didn’t reach me, suddenly, fragments of electricity came shooting from it, they were sent through the ground below us and moved right into my body. I couldn’t dodge this. I stood there and was electrified. It was a sensation too painful to describe. I just stood there screaming in agony.

What the…

After several seconds of pain, the electricity stopped flowing through my body. I tried to fight it back, but my feet rebelled against me and I sank to the ground.

‘Tch. Weakling. You’ll never survive here.’ Without another notice, the man moved away, looking at me with disgust.

Ugh.

I hated this. Why was I being weak here? I came here to be strong and to fight. This was pathetic!

I clenched my fists, gathered my strength once again and got up.

Fine.

If I can’t find a single man to fight, then I will fight two of them!

Without much thought, I moved my fist into the air and rushed towards a pair of men throwing their fists at each other.

I ran and ran.

I ran until I reached them and my fist was aimed for one of them. The one who was dealing with punches from his opponent already. Indeed, I would aim for the one already weakened. I yelled as my fist came slamming down into his face.

The man fell back and was thrown into the wall.

Yes. This was the strength I gathered. Though was it really something to be proud of? I just punched someone who was already weakened.

I had no time to think about this though. His opponent, a bulky male with a height reaching over 2 meters raised his leg and slammed his foot into my stomach.

‘UGH!’ I panted and held my aching stomach.

This was.. insane strength…

'Newbie, What is your business here? You just interrupted the crushing of my opponent. Tell me now, why should I forgive you? I am the great Alpasan. The greatest and most loyal soldier to King Nobanohid. Are you ready to be crushed by my wrath?’ His dark eyes pierced right through me. His words were no joke. He was deadly serious about his threat.

I got into a fighting stance and was ready for anything that came for me.

His aura was that of a hunter who was going to rip apart his prey. I felt my heart beating faster and faster..

This wasn’t how I imagined it to be. I thought this would be easy. I thought I would train like brother Dawood did.

Train every day until I would be good enough to join the King’s army.

This was no training.

This was.. not fair at all.

There was silence for a while.

None of us made any move as of yet. Was that man, Alpasan as he introduced himself, waiting for something? I looked at his huge frame and the tattoos over his chest. He was scary. I hated to admit it, but he was exactly that. I was a 16 year old boy who only ever was in fights with boys my age. Someone like him would be… a person my father or my older brother would have protected me from.

I felt so weak and stupid.

Was I, a girl?

I clenched my held up fist once more, trying to gather courage.

But it was all fake.

I knew I couldn’t win against the guy.

Hell, he probably will batter me to death.

‘Haha…’ Suddenly, from what seemed to be far away, a laugh could be heard.

I turned my head slightly to see where the laugh was coming from.

It wasn’t coming from anywhere in this yard, instead it was… I looked up at the Golden Balcony towered above the training yard.

It was the King. Holding the same Golden Cup from yesterday and drinking the same green fluid from it. Next to him stood an extremely attractive woman with a revealing dress. This must be his wife.. the famed beauty, often said to be the most beautiful woman in the known world. My eyes fell upon her, I wish I could have looked a little longer, but I knew, with the enemy standing in front of me, I had no time for something so trivial. So I looked back at him again.

‘Hmph.’ He huffed. It seemed like he didn’t really enjoy my distraction…

Well then, will this turn out to be a fight to the death? With me laying on the floor to bleed out? Never to see my family again?