The day of April’s departure for Penn was approaching fast. Both of us kept reassuring each other. Things would work out alright. That our relationship would survive the separation.

“Rodion, it’ll be okay. We can call each other, and send text messages. And maybe you can come visit me.” April suggested one evening. We were sitting together in my living room. Sergei was out with his girlfriend Tammy, who had been coming over more and more often. A sure sign things were getting serious between the two of them.

“I’ll come to visit for sure.” I said. “Just tell me when.”

“As soon as I get settled. I just got the name of my roommate. She’s from New Jersey. Daddy told me half of Penn is from New Jersey. And the other half is from Long Island.” April giggled. “Whatever that means.”

“Yeah.” I shrugged. I wasn’t in on the joke.

“Or maybe you can even come with us when my parents drive me to Penn to drop me off?” April’s eyes lit up as she suggested it.

“Like actually go with your family?” I opened my eyes wide.

“Yes, why not? You can help move the boxes in. I’m sure my parents will be happy to have an extra pair of hands.”

“But is that okay?”

“Of course, why not? My dad is super excited about you starting at the Lab, by the way.”

“Way, what? Starting at the Lab? But I haven’t gotten a response yet.”

“Oh, that whole thing is just a formality.” April shifted in her seat.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, of course you’d get the job. Don’t be ridiculous, Rodion.”

“For real?”

“Of course. My dad runs The Lab. And I vouched for you, so you’re good. You start after Labor Day.” April reached into the bowl of popcorn I’d prepared. We were about to watch the third season of The Wire.

“And you tell me now?” I crossed my arms. “April, this is a huge deal for me. You know that, right?”

“Of course. But I only found out this morning.”

“So I have a job? Do you know what kind of work I’ll be doing?” April had pressed ‘play’ and I McNulty squinted on the screen. “Wait, come on, April, please tell me about the job.” In a flash, I saw myself sitting in a strange basement, training my evil double, only to make him stronger and stronger and overtake me. Was that what the job at The Lab would be like?

“I have no clue. It’s top-secret.” April responded, chewing. “Come on, Rodion, let’s watch the show. I wanna finish before I leave.”

“Alright, fine.” I pushed my doubts aside and tried to concentrate on whatever was happening on the screen, but found it nearly impossible. I wondered if Kate and Ben were real, whether Maria Matucci would be at The Lab, and suddenly I turned red from the memory of Dawn. Dawn. The seductress. Was she real? Did I want her to be real? I shifted my eyes at April and felt like I had betrayed her all over again.

The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.

“What’s wrong?” April reached in and kissed me. I kissed her back.

Ever since we came back from Aunt Molly’s, I’ve noticed a change in myself. It was a calmness I’d never experienced before. As if the anxiety that had been there as long as I could remember suddenly dissipated and vanished forever. But there was also something else. Something I couldn’t quite pinpoint. Another change that had happened in me.

Killing was bad and would haunt you. Trauma was hard because of self-blame. Tears were good because of catharsis. I thought, only half-trying to watch The Wire now. My mind wandered as I tried to figure out what else had changed.

The job will not save you, Jimmy. It won’t make you whole. It won’t fill your ass up. I bolted upright. It was Lester speaking to McNulty, but I could have sworn he was speaking to me. I nodded. The Lab wasn’t an answer. It would help, but it wouldn’t fix my problems. Not forever.

I darted my eyes at April, trying to see if she was paying attention, whether the words had the same impact on her as they had on me. But she was peacefully chewing her popcorn, though watching intently.

Hey, hey, hey, a life. A life, Jimmy. You know what it is? It’s what happens while you’re waiting for moments that never come.

Lester Holmes was saying in his wise voice and his words made me nearly jump.

“April!” I yelped. “This is it.”

“What?” She stared at me in awe.

“This is the thing. I’d always lived in the future. This is exactly the issue. But now I get it. I finally get it!” I clapped. “I’d been like McNulty!”

“What?” She rolled her eyes. “Don’t tell me you’re running around womanizing.”

“No, that’s not what I meant. But it’s like I’ve been always jumping ahead and worrying, always on the next thing. Like my job, or you leaving, never in the present. Never actually living my life.”

“I see.” April smiled. “So you’re a yogi now?”

“What?”

“This is what they teach in yoga. To live in the present.”

“For real?”

“Yep.” April gave me a curious look.

“So like even my stepdad, I was always so focused on settling the score with him. But that was always in the future. I was never actually living, only waiting for him to be punished.”

“I never knew you were so serious about it.” April narrowed her eyes at me. “The whole revenge thing.”

I shrugged. What could I say? I couldn’t exactly admit to April I’d been planning a murder, could I?

“Listen, you wanna finish watching this another time?” She asked, turning back to the screen.

“Umm, I guess.” I started to say.

And at that moment, the phone rang. It was Vlada. I stared at the phone, and was about to let it go to voicemail, when April asked,

“Aren’t you going to answer?”

“I wasn’t going to. Kinda wanna hang out with you.”

“But maybe it’s something serious?” April knew about Vlada and the role she’d play in my life. “She never calls you, right?”

“Alright,” I answered the call. I didn’t get a chance to even say hello. Right away, Vlada’s low voice boomed into the receiver.

“Rodion, hi, I wanted to call you right away!” She took a deep breath. “I was trying to reach your brother, but Sergei isn’t answering. I wanted to tell you myself. I just heard from Zhanna.”

Vlada paused for effect. She and Zhanna were still best friends, still saw each other regularly, only without Mama.

“And Zhanna might also call you, but I wanted you to hear it from me.”

“Yes.” I said, frowning. I wondered what was so important that the two of them needed to share the news together.

“What is it?” April said, and Vlada must have heard her voice, because she said, “Is that April? Tell her I said hello. Please come over together soon.”

“Vlada says hi.” I repeated obediently, and April flashed a huge smile.

“Please tell Vlada I said hello!” She said, and I was about to hand April the phone, when I heard Vlada’s voice.

“Rodion. Philip is dead. He died in a car accident. A Ryder truck. Killed on the spot, right on Forward avenue.” The room spun. “A hit-and-run. They never caught the driver. Philip was going over to see his mother.”

Shivers ran down my spine and my hands felt ice cold. “Did you hear what I said? Dead.” Vlada repeated. “If you live like a dog, you will die like a dog!”

She added in Russian. It was a Russian proverb, one of her favorites.

“It’s in the news. I’ll send you the link. I just have to figure out how to put it in a text message.” There was a beeping noise, and the phone went dead.

“Rodion, are you okay?” April asked.

“Yes.” I nodded and felt the phone slip from my hands.

The walls collapsed around me and a dark tunnel absorbed me.