On Boxing Day, April and I drove to see Aunt Molly. April came to pick me up in her parents’ Volvo. The roads were icy, and the car had winter tires, so the second her mother heard we were going to drive out of the city, she insisted we take it.

I’d gotten April a silver pendant from Pandora for Christmas and handed it to her in the car. It had two hearts intertwined, one silver, one gold.

It was Tammy who took me to the Pandora store at Ross Park mall and helped me pick it out. We were discussing the subject of gift giving with Tammy and Sergei when she was over at our place one evening. It was the usual argument about the Russian tradition of exchanging gifts on New Year’s and Father Frost versus Santa Claus.

“What are you getting April for Christmas?” Tammy turned to me. I shifted on the couch and reached for my headphones. I hadn’t planned to get April anything. It was the first Christmas I’d actually have any money to spend on a gift for anyone.

“Not sure. Does your parents’ store have anything? Like maybe I can get her a bracelet?” I said on a whim. It sounded like a good idea.

“Are you crazy? That stuff is for old Russian ladies. Soviet jewelry. Your girlfriend will hate it. Trust me.” Tammy shook her head.

“Alright, no clue then.” I put on the headphones and turned to the screen.

“That’s okay. Nichevo.” Sometimes Tammy sprinkled Russian words into the conversation, as if to show her origins. “You know what? I gotta go Christmas shopping, anyway. I can take you to Pandora. It’s a great place for stuff like that. Deal?”

“Deal.”

The following weekend, Tammy and I drove to Ross Park Mall. The whole time, Tammy was asking me questions. She wanted to know all there was to know about Sergei. His likes and dislikes. What he was like when he was little. Stuff about the Doors and Kino. His friends. His favorite foods. I was okay with all that, but then she asked about Mama. That’s when I stopped responding.

“Are you okay? Rodion?” She asked after I ignored her question.

“Yeah.” I mumbled, staring out the window. By then, we were already driving home.

“I’m sorry.” Tammy said.

I mumbled and pulled on the hood over my head, so she couldn’t see my face.

No, I wasn’t crying. I was thinking of killing Philip.

***

“Rodion! Thank you. This is beautiful.” April said as she opened the box. “And it’s got two hearts. Aww.” April snapped the pendant on. “I love it.” She flipped the mirror down to check herself out.

“Yeah. It looks cool.” I grunted.

“You’re such a man.” April giggled. “A man of few words.”

I shrugged, but I was smiling.

“I love you.” I said.

“That’s all the words I need.” She kissed me. “And here’s something for you.” April handed me a heavy package wrapped in green with a tasteful matching ribbon. I saw the Barnes and Noble logo on it.

“Books?” I opened my eyes wide.

“Yeah! We talk about books so much, I figured you’d like this.” She shifted into ‘drive.’

I ripped the wrapping. April got me two books by Fyodor Dostoyevsky. ‘Crime and Punishment’ and ‘The Brothers Karamazov.’

“You can read about your namesake. Rodion Raskolnikov. Remember? My mom asked you about it and you’d never read the book.”

“Isn’t he like a bad guy?” I shook my head.

“No, he’s conflicted. Like you.” She kissed me on the cheek. “I guess it comes with the name.”

“Yeah. Maybe.”

“Something for you to do other than the Lab.”

“April, please. It’s not like that. Don’t worry about me.”

If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.

“Alright, alright.” She took onto 376 and we were in the Squirrel Hill tunnel. It was like a portal, cutting Pittsburgh off from the outside world. As soon as we were out, I felt free, liberated from the confines of the city.

It had snowed, and the sides of the road were peppered with a bit of a white coating. It gave it a fairy tale appearance.

“Do you remember where to go?” I asked.

“Yeah.”

I stared out the window, thinking about life. About justice. I felt the leather pouch with the hunting knife in my pocket. I’d packed it with me, so I could ask Mike to help me out. To show me some moves. I wonder whether all this stuff with Ryder taught me anything.

Life is beautiful. I thought. I will use a weapon I inherited from my grandfather to kill Phil. To avenge the death of my mother.

“What were you thinking about just now?” April asked.

“Oh, Truck-kun.” I lied, deadpan. It was the first thing that came to my mind.

“Ha? What’s that?”

“It’s a thing in Manga. A guy dies after being hit by a truck. It’s kinda cool, then he gets reincarnated and lives a new life, and corrects mistakes of his past life.”

“Oh, is it because of Aunt Molly you’re thinking about that?” April asked. I’d completely forgotten about the idea to do a past life regression with Aunt Molly, but now I nodded.

“Do you believe in reincarnation?”

“Maybe? It would be cool, don’t you think? If we could come back and do things over.” I said. I’d taken the topic for granted before. “I was playing this one game, and the character got reincarnated, but whatever. In games we got multiple lives, anyway.”

“I believe in it.” April said. “Otherwise it doesn’t make sense why we’re so different.”

“Here’s the sign for the farm.” I pointed at the side of the road. It was the same worn-out farm sign we’d seen in August.

April slowed down. We turned onto the gravel road and there was yellow arm barrier.

We left the car, just like last time, and walked up the snowy road up to the farmhouse. The second time around, it felt easier. After we got half-way up the hill, we saw smoke rising from the chimney and April squeezed my hand.

“I don’t know why, but I am so excited to see them.” She said.

“Me too.”

April was wearing fuzzy gloves and the sensation of holding her hand felt comforting and sweet.

“Oh! Hello!” Mike opened the door and let us in. The whole thing felt like a Christmas movie. Inside, it was cozy, a Christmas tree, a real one, that smelled like pine. A fire was burning. Molly appeared, wiping her hands on an apron.

“So good to see you!” She stepped to give April a hug. Then, gave me one, too.

“Come, sit at the table. Let’s have something to eat. You must be hungry from the trip.” She pointed at the kitchen table and I saw several dishes and plates laid out, waiting for us. Mike took a seat first, and we followed.

I looked over at Mike, hoping he’d start talking about taxidermy, so I could bring up my hunting knife. I felt for the knife in my pocket, when Aunt Molly said:

“So I hear you moved to America when you were young, Rodion.”

“Yes.” I said.

“You parents were so brave to do this. To move across the whole world to America.” Aunt Molly said, serving me potatoes.

“I guess so. It was actually just my mom who brought us here. I never thought of my mom as brave.” I added after a pause. “But it didn’t really work out for her.”

“What do you mean?”

“She died.”

“I am sorry.” Aunt Molly’s face was open, compassionate, and she wasn’t prodding, which encouraged me to open up.

“Yeah, it wasn’t her fault. She just couldn’t adjust. And then my step-dad left us, so she struggled.”

“I see.”

“Like we moved there to live with my step-dad. Except he was my actual dad, but then he found out I wasn’t his and he dumped us. It was like this one huge mistake.” I was rambling now, and I noticed April had stopped eating and was looking at me, wide-eyed. Mike was staring at his food in silence.

“Oh, what a story. I am sorry that happened to you. So you and your brother. How did you make it?” Aunt Molly asked.

The way the question was worded stumped me. I had never been asked that before. People either avoided the topic altogether, or focused on Mama’s death. But Molly’s question meant I had overcome something. I had persevered. Was that the case?

“Umm. I guess we kinda got adopted by my mom’s friend. But not really formally adopted, but she helped. My brother was almost twenty, so he got custody of me and stuff. So it worked out.”

My summary of the last ten years of my life didn’t even come close to the hardships we faced, to the suffering, to the feelings of hopelessness Sergei and I experienced.

But Molly was right. We had made it, Sergei and I. He was now an attorney, and I worked at a cool AI lab.

I gulped, staring at her. I wanted to pull my hood on and do the usual disappearing act, but something stopped me. It was like Molly had hypnotized me. I heard Mike rising from the table, the clanking of silverware, and April pushing her chair back to help him.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her moving, taking plates away.

“Rodion, listen, I have an idea.” Aunt Molly said, smiling softly. “I can see you feel a lot of pain associated with your mother’s death.”

“Yeah.” I mumbled.

“So, how would you like me to help you overcome it? You can come into contact with your mother.”

“I can speak to Mama? Like right now?”

“Yes.” Aunt Molly nodded. “I help people do that.”

“You got a ouija board, aunt Molly?” April popped in, her eyes open wide. I had no idea what that was, but by the look on April’s face I could tell it was something scary.

“Oh, not at all. I don’t use things like that. Rodion would go into a dream state, this state between drifting off to sleep. It’s the alpha brain waves that allow us to connect to our higher state of consciousness.”

“So it’s not dangerous?” April asked.

“Not at all.”

“So it’s safe? To speak to her?” I gulped and fidgeted in my seat.

“Yes. You can ask her anything you want. You can see her. And if you want.” Aunt Molly paused and gave me a careful stare. “We can even go back in time and see how your life would have played out in Russia.”

“Like if we never left Russia?”

“Yes.”

“I know it would have been fine there. We had a good life.” I said. “I don’t need to check that.”

“Alright.” Molly nodded.

“But I do want to speak to Mama.” I added, regretting how harsh my words sounded.

“Alright, then. Let’s connect you two.”