All the best things in life are unexpected. I’d heard the saying but never knew its meaning until December 20, 2008. April had come back from Philly, and I headed to Trader Joe’s to get us some snacks. Sergei was spending more and more time with Tammy, and I decided to invite April over. I pictured the two of us sitting, cuddling on the couch, munching away at some chips or whatever it was they had at Trader Joe’s.
There was just one store in Pittsburgh, and I’d never been to it. I’d only heard about how awesome it was from April, and that was the only reason I headed there that morning. It was a Saturday, and I’d barely slept that night. Ever since I’d formed the plan, my sleep had become jagged. I would wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweat, picturing Philip’s face, pushing my knife into his neck and slicing at it.
Since forming the plan, I’d also located the knife. It was sitting in the cabinet, right behind Mama’s urn, in a leather case. Sergei would never notice its disappearance. He was too busy with work and with Tammy. I expected an engagement announcement any day now.
I’d heard the store got super crowded, and so I went to Trader Joe’s right before it opened. At eight in the morning, I pulled into the parking lot in my new Honda Civic. I’d scored the car right after forming my plan. It was perfect timing. The Honda was a nondescript color, the kind of shade of off-white you never notice. It was the perfect color for me. I needed to be quickly forgotten. To not be seen or noticed. Jeans and a hoodie were my usual attire anyway, regardless of the season, and this time, though it was cold, I was dressed the same. Blue jeans, black hoodie, hood pulled low over my face. Even if you tried, you couldn’t see my eyes. They were covered by my bangs and the hoodie.
I parked and saw a crowd in front of the entrance. Eager Saturday morning shoppers had formed a straight line, obediently waiting for the doors to open. I considered leaving. I hated waiting in line, but right then the doors magically opened, and shoppers poured in, clanking red shopping carts. I walked in, hands in my pockets, and looked around. The first thing I saw were the flowers. Bouquets of pretty flowers. I stopped in front of a bucket with roses, remembering my apology bouquet I’d gotten April. I should get her roses. I thought and stared. And then I noticed a familiar silhouette. My body knew it was him before my mind did. My throat constricted, and I stood there in silent anticipation.
Philip. It was him. He was digging through a bucket right next to me, oblivious to the world. He was alone. I needed to be sure it was him. I stepped back quietly, trying to stay as inconspicuous as possible. He turned to the side and there was no mistaking him for anyone else. Phil. The Groundhog. I let out a shallow breath and walked outside.
I’d picked a parking spot right across from the entrance, which I wrote off to another sign. The universe itself was helping my plan. Or maybe it was the Count? Maybe my own personal AI assistant had created this opportunity.
“Thank you, CM.” I mouthed, just in case. I got in the car and waited. It didn’t take long. Philip walked out, carrying a bouquet of white lilies. He walked over to a Subaru station wagon, scratched his head, and unlocked the car. I noticed that he’d gone completely bald and his paunch was more prominent. He looked pathetic. Mama died because of this scum. I gritted my teeth and squeezed the steering wheel.
The decision to follow Philip was instant. As soon as he drove off, there I was, putting my car in ‘drive’. He turned on Penn Avenue, then made his way to Fifth Avenue, then went down Shady. As he was driving, I tried to figure out where he was going. At first, I thought maybe he was headed to Greenfield. But then, the realization hit me. Philip was going to see his mother. The irony felt like a punch in the gut.
There he was, in his fifties, and going to see his mother, who was still alive. While because of him, I was deprived of my Mama when I wasn’t even ten years old. My knuckles turned white as I gripped the steering wheel, following him. He parked, as expected, right near the entrance to the apartment complex where his mother lived. She hadn’t moved. I didn’t need to see anything else. This is where I would cut his throat. Right in front of his mother’s place.
I had picked the location.
***
I turned around and drove back to Trader Joe’s, thinking about justice. How it was up to people like me to take it into our own hands. I was doing just that. I was exacting justice, because in the eyes of the law, Philip was innocent. But his actions caused Mama’s death. And he needed to be punished. And since the law was powerless, I would do it. I was just like the Count of Monte Cristo. I would beat the system and then make it work for me. Once I was done with Philip, I could lead a happy life.
I would tip the scales so they were in balance again.
I got back to Trader Joe’s, and this time walked in, holding my head up high. I even took the hood off. I wanted people to see me. Mine was the face of a man who lived a life of purpose. A life of meaning. I had a clear mission, and I was going to do whatever it took to kill Philip.
I walked up to the bucket with roses and noticed it had thinned out since earlier that morning. I guess that’s why they all show up at opening time. I thought of the crowd of shoppers. Since there weren’t many options, I picked what I could find: a nice bouquet of red roses. Then, vaguely recalling something about red roses meaning something deep, I put them back and got the pink ones. They were thick and pretty. April will love them. I thought and then headed deeper into the store.
April had raved about snacks and treats she’d gotten at Trader Joe’s, but I couldn’t, for the life of me, remember which ones. All of their items looked the same. I turned my head in confusion, trying to figure out what to get. Nothing looked normal. Not one thing. I was used to shopping at Giant Eagle, but this place didn’t even have normal cereal. It was simply ridiculous. And yet, lines of shoppers passed me, all with carts full of something. I stumbled down the aisle and saw a bag of chips. They looked like tortilla chips, but I couldn’t tell for sure. And then a tall guy wearing the store apron greeted me.
“Would you like a sample?” He had a toothy grin, and I nodded. “Here you go. Brie cheese straight from France and some French bread.” He pointed to a plate. I took one slice of bread with cheese on it and bit into the tiny sandwich.
“Oh, this is good.”
“Glad you like it.”
“Where can I buy this?”
“Right here in the cooler.” The guy pointed to his left, and I saw a whole stack of packaged cheese.
“And the bread?”
“Right here!” The guy pointed to his right, and I saw a shelf with baguettes lined up. I grabbed one of each and headed for the register.
April will like bread with cheese. It’s French, so it must be classy. I thought, as I paid for my purchase.
***
I drove up to April’s house later that day. It was the first time she would see my car. I felt so proud of myself, I could burst. The roses lay in the back seat. I got the bouquet out, but then decided to put it away until after April was in my car. In case her mother opened the door.
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I walked up the driveway and smiled, thinking of how my life had changed since I’d started at the Lab. I was now doing so well for myself, and even with giving Sergei rent money and paying for the Honda, I’d managed to save up ten thousand dollars since September. The way things were going, I would have thirty K to my name by the time 2009 ended.
Or maybe even more? That was the thing about being poor for so long. I was so used to having little money, so once I had it, I couldn’t spend it. I still shopped at thrift stores for clothes, loaded up on the sandwiches at the Lab to save money on food, and went nowhere. And with April away, I didn’t even spend any money on dates. So there I was, feeling rich and powerful.
April opened the door. She stood there, light and beautiful. She leaned and hugged me.
“I’ve missed you so much!”
“I did, too.”
“I so wish I’d come to Pittsburgh for Thanksgiving.” April sighed. Her family went to some ski resort in Colorado over Thanksgiving, so the last time we saw each other was in October.
“Are you ready?”
“Yes! Let me just grab my jacket.” April turned around and left me standing in the hallway. She opened the closet door and at that moment I saw her father. I knew it was him, recognizing him from the photos. He was descending the stairs. He wore a turtleneck sweater and at that moment looked exactly like Steve Jobs. Tall, with squinty eyes, and the signature black turtleneck. I blinked fast, and the vision dissipated. It was Chuck McPherson. He was wearing black, but not a turtleneck.
“Hello there, Rodion.” He said, extending his hand. “I didn’t get to see you at the Lab. I hear you’ve been doing great work.”
“Oh, yes. Thank you.” I blushed. How much does he know?
“Excellent, excellent. I try to not interfere with the process. And of course, Ben and Karen are a great team.”
“Karen?” I gave him a confused look.
“Isn’t that her name? That young lady who helps Ben out.”
“Kate.”
“Oh, right. Kate. My bad.” Chuck rubbed his nose. “Great team. Glad it’s going well. And pretty soon we’ll get to the point of oxygenation below 3 percent. I hear that’s the next step for the project. Closer to Mars survival rates.”
“Yes.” I mumbled. “Mars survival rates.” I repeated.
“So just a bit longer, and you, Rodion, will be the pioneer that leads us into Mars. You and your digital twin, that is.”
“Daddy, we’re going out.” April walked up and stood next to me.
“Enjoy! Great seeing you, Rodion.”
As soon as April and I stepped outside, we kissed.
“Wow! So this is your car?”
“Yes.” I nodded.
“I am so happy for you, Rodion.” She leaned in and kissed me again. “I’ve missed you.”
“Me too. I’ve missed you.” I wanted to tell her just how much, but held back. I didn’t want April to think I was a total mush.
“So, where to now?” April turned to me. I opened the car door for her and she looked at me with surprise. “Where did you learn to do that?”
“Oh, saw it in the movies.” I smiled.
“So, you wanna go get some food?”
“I actually got us something to eat. Are you okay to come over to my place? My brother went to New York City.”
“Yes, of course.”
I handed April the roses, and she buried her face in them. When she looked up I noticed she’d been crying.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, brushing a hair off her face.
“Rodion, I miss you so much. And I’m so lonely at Penn. I can’t take it.”
“Come on. I thought you liked your roommate. And you were taking all these cool classes.”
“It all sucks. All these kids want is to get rich. They just want to make money, that’s all they talk about.”
“Money’s good.” I shrugged. “I like making money.”
“I know, but you’re not like that. You think about life. You know? You care. They don’t. They sit there drinking, as if they’re deep, but they’re just idiots. Spoiled brats.”
“Don’t say that.” I took her hand.
“You’re the only person I can tell. I don’t know how I’ll last there for another three years.” She sighed. “Three and a half!”
I put my hand on her lap. She put her own palm on top, and I felt her warmth. She was real, kind, understanding.
“I love you.” I said.
“I love you, too.” We drove the rest of the way to my place in silence.
I opened the door and led her inside.
“You know, this is the first time I’m here.”
“I know.” I led her through the tiny living room, into the kitchen.
“I got us this.” I took out the cheese from the refrigerator and then the bread.
“You got us French cheese? That’s amazing!”
“Really? You like it?”
“It’s very nice of you. No one ever prepared food for me before. Thank you.” She kissed me.
We made love right there and then.
After we were done, April and I sat across from each other. I’d cut up the bread and we were eating, spreading brie generously on slices of bread. She took my hand and scanned my face.
“You’ve changed, Rodion. Since I last saw you.”
“How so?”
“I don’t know. Something’s different. It’s like you’re more mature, but also have more concerns.”
“Concerns?” Can she tell about Philip?
“Yes, like you’re preoccupied with something,” April noted. “I guess that’s a good thing?”
“It must be the job.” I shrugged, trying to sound casual.
“I overheard you guys speaking. About oxygen. I don’t get it. I thought you were testing games.”
“Umm. I kind of am. But I’m not supposed to talk about it.”
“Well, I already heard you guys speaking. Why did my dad mention Mars?”
“Okay, I guess it won’t hurt if I told you.” Screw the Fight Club. I decided. Screw the nondisclosure agreement. “So. When I first started over there, it was a game. But it was just to get my vitals.”
“What vitals?”
“Like my vital signs, they needed all my data to make a digital double.”
“What?” April stopped chewing and stared at me.
“Yeah, like a digital twin. It’s like a replica of me that is doing things to test them out. And it’s powered by AI.”
Noticing the confused look on April’s face, I added.
“Artificial Intelligence. Machine learning. So this thing. His name is Ryder, by the way. My twin’s name.”
I was rambling, not sure whether April could understand me, but now that I’d let myself speak, I couldn’t stop.
“So Ryder, he gets smarter every day, and, by the way, they never told me this, but I’m pretty sure they’re trying to see if what Ryder is doing is actually physically reflecting on me. Like Ryder would run a marathon, and that would somehow change me. So it’s testing reverse AI, I guess. I am not sure. They never told me, I just figure things out based on what’s happening. So then, since like October, I’ve been testing Ryder at low oxygen levels. We got to Mount Everest levels and then now we’re training at even lower levels. And I guess it has to do with going to Mars at some point. Only I don’t really know, because they never mentioned that part to me. So maybe I wasn’t supposed to know about Mars. Only the oxygen levels, ‘cause that’s pretty obvious. Not like they can hide it.”
“Rodion, wait. Are you saying you’re testing stuff on yourself?”
“I guess so. I mean, it’s hard to say.”
“You just old me you’re experiencing things. Like with your own body.”
“I guess, but it’s fine. They have me hooked up to monitors. And there’s a doctor who sees me.”
“What doctor?” April narrowed her eyes.
“Dr. Matucci. From Upper Hill.”
“What?”
“Maria Matucci. She’s nice.” I averted my eyes.
“They make you see a shrink? Do you even hear yourself?”
“April, listen, it’s not like that.”
“You already told me there were issues. Don’t you remember?” Her voice was shrill. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier? This is so dangerous!”
“No, it’s not. What are you talking about?” I started pacing the room. The kitchen was small, so I ended up mostly circling around the kitchen table. I was sure I looked ridiculous, but I was too fired up.
“I mean, this is dangerous stuff. Do you even realize oxygen deprivation can make you go nuts?”
“What?” Now it was my turn to sound shrill.
“Yes! It’s a thing. When you’re deprived of oxygen for too long, you get hallucinations. I can’t believe my dad let you do this.”
“He probably doesn’t know.”
“He does! It was his friend. They went up Mount Kilimanjaro together and his friend died! Died!”
“Wait, I can die?”
“Yes, you can die, you idiot.”
“But how does that happen?”
“It’s called High Altitude Cerebral Edema. HACE. Look it up.” She pushed her phone to me. I punched in the term into the search bar and there it was. HACE. I read off the symptoms.
“Severe headache. Disorientation. Memory Loss. Hallucinations. Altered mental status.”
“Rodion. Tell me, did you experience any of this?”
“Umm.” I choked. “I don’t think so.” I thought of the Count. CM. The Matrix. Words on the screen. Was it all just a hallucination? Nothing of it was real?
“You’re just worrying over nothing, April.”
“Rodion, I can tell you’re lying. Tell me the truth. Did you see things? Were you having visions? You know, I heard my dad say he was pushing to 3 percent. That’s fatal. You can die. This thing is insane.”
“But I make good money, April.”
“Good money? Are you insane? You can die!”
“I’m not going anywhere.” I leaned in and kissed April. She kissed me back.
There was no way I could die before I killed Philip.