Fall’97

I don’t know at what point I realized I was in love with April. It happened gradually, and I eased into this feeling in such small increments, that by the time it happened, I couldn’t stop it even if I wanted to. I woke up thinking about April and went to bed wanting to be with her.

We spoke on the phone every day, and I felt like the only times I truly lived were when I was with her. The rest of the time, I waited to see her. I did my usual stuff, survived in school so I could graduate, and played video games. I had no plans for what I would do after graduation, but with the end of my senior year still over six months away, I wasn’t worried.

We had our first fight in the fall of our senior year. April was busy applying to colleges and spoke non-stop about what she would do after graduation.

“Rodion.” She brought up the topic casually one day. We were sitting in her kitchen, having just finished eating turkey sandwiches. Mrs. McPhearson had instructed me to eat anything I wanted, and I was grateful. I was growing and hungry all the time. “I’m applying to Penn early decision.” April said. She had mentioned it before. Her parents met there, when her father was doing an MBA and her mother was an undergrad.

“They’ll let me know by December if I got in, and then I’ll have to decide right away.” She went on, her voice chipper.

“So that means you’ll leave Pittsburgh?” The possibility of parting with April hit me for the first time.

“If I get in.” Her voice trailed off.

“What about Carnegie Mellon?” I clutched on the last bit of hope. April had mentioned applying there, and it was the best school in Pittsburgh and one of the top universities in the country.

“It’s a good school if you want to do engineering. Sciences, math, stuff like that. But not for humanities.”

“Oh, okay.” I mumbled. “So you don’t wanna stay in Pittsburgh then?”

“Rodion, it’s not that, I do. But Penn is an Ivy League university. My parents went there. Both of them. It will open doors for me.”

“Doors.” I chuckled. “The Doors of Perception.”

“What?”

“Oh, nothing.” I got up, leaving an unfinished sandwich sitting on the table. “I gotta go.”

“You’re leaving already?” April stared at me, her mouth gaping open.

“Yeah. Sergei wants me home early tonight.” I dashed out of her house. I knew April would immediately understand I was lying, because Sergei never wanted me home early, rarely checked on me, and I had unlimited freedom, at least for a high school kid.

I got home and threw myself on the bed. Then, I reached for the ‘Count of Monte Cristo.’

Mama. I missed her so much. My Mamochka. She could have made everything alright. I started thinking about reading this book together, the injustice of everything Dantes went through. And then, sweet, sweet revenge. The Count’s methodical revenge, where he defeated his enemies one by one. In my case, it was an easier task. I only had one person to blame for my situation. Phil, the groundhog.

I closed the book with a sigh and went to bed.

***

April and I didn’t speak after that encounter for several days. I didn’t know how to deal with the prospect of losing her, so I avoided her. And April, as she later told me, was expected an apology. I’d never apologized for anything in my life, and so our friendship came to a stalemate. We went from being the closest people to each other to nothing.

Cutting April out of my life was easy for me. I was used to the people I loved disappearing from life by then. First, Phil. Then, Mama. So, I figured, it made sense that it was only a matter of time before April would also disappear. Perhaps I have the magic touch. All I have to do is love someone, and then they go away. I thought.

“What are you doing, moping around all day? Did you girlfriend dump you?” Sergei asked, seeing me at home for the fifth day in row, glued to the console.

“I’m not moping.”

“Did she actually?”

“No one dumped me. We were just friends.”

“Yeah, right.” Sergei chuckled. “What did you do?”

“Nothing.”

That afternoon we went to Vlada’s house, to some family gathering she'd organized. Vlada loved throwing huge parties with dancing, drinking, toasts and lots of speeches. Vlada called us her ‘bonus sons’ and told everyone she had five boys.

“My boys!” Vlada exclaimed as soon as Sergei and I walked through the door. She rushed to embrace us, Sergei first, then me. “Let me look at you!” She stepped back and gave me a pointed stare. “What’s going on with this one?” Vlada asked Sergei. She had this manner with me, speaking about me in third person, as if I weren’t there.

“His girlfriend dumped him.” Sergei noted nonchalantly.

“Girlfriend? Little Rodion has a girlfriend? Who is it?” Vlada pulled me aside and started asking questions. Or, rather, grilling me. I knew she wouldn’t stop until she knew everything. It was easier to fess up than to keep lying, so I did.

“Rodion, you need to apologize to this girl.” Vlada concluded after hearing my story. “You can’t act like that with women.”

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“We’re just friends.” I countered.

“Or with friends. Get her some flowers. Go over there and tell her you’re sorry. And that you don’t want to lose her.”

I felt my stomach churn at the idea. I shook my head vigorously.

“If you don’t do it on your own, I’ll take you over there.” Vlada threatened. Vlada didn’t make empty promises. I pictured her, dragging me to April’s, having to introduce her to April’s mother, their conversation in the kitchen, details of my childhood being dragged out into the open.

“Alright.” I said. “But can I do it without the flowers?”

“How many days has it been?”

“I dunno.” I lied. I knew exactly how many. It had been five days since we last spoke. I’d counted every single one.

“Well, if it’s less than two, you might get away without the flowers. Otherwise.” She sighed. “Suit yourself.”

“Vlada, there you are!” One of the guests appeared and pulled her away. I went over to the table, set with the traditional Russian fare. The sight of the food made me noxious. I knew if I didn’t leave right there and then, I’d be stuck at the party until after the meal, which could, with all the toasts, chatting and several courses served, easily take over three hours.

My eyes darted to the antique clock, Vlada’s pride and joy, that stood in the corner. It was four pm. I backed out of the living room, bumped into a guest, turned around and dashed into the street. I ran all the way to Giant Eagle, remembering to check for my wallet only when I was already inside of the supermarket.

The bucket with the flowers that stood by the door put me into a stupor. I stared at them, then hesitantly picked up a bouquet of orange roses. A moment later I remembered Grandmother and the fight over the flowers the first time we met her and dropped the bouquet into the bucket. I swallowed hard, my heart beating fast. Ready to bolt, I stepped back and bumped into a guy. He was tall, broad-shouldered, dressed into a t-shirt with the Carnegie Mellon logo on it.

“First time?” He asked, giving me a sympathetic smile. I knew right away what he meant.

“Yes.”

“Take these.” He handed me a bouquet of pink roses, picking them up from the bucket. “It’s a nice color, not overly romantic. But could be, if you wanted it to be. You don’t want to get red or white.”

“Thank you.” I mumbled.

“Any time.” The man extended his hand. “Christopher.”

“Rodion.” I shook it. His hand was warm, and the handshake felt reassuring. Immediately, I felt better.

“Good luck to you.” He said.

I took the pink roses and was about to say something else to the man, but Christopher vanished, as if he had never existed.

On the way to April’s, I went over several scenarios in my head. Each one was worse than the other. They ranged from April not being at home, to April slamming the door in my face, to April inviting me in, then telling me she never wanted to see me again. I got to her house barely able to breathe. My hands trembling, I knocked on the door. It opened immediately, as if April had been expecting me.

“Rodion!” April exclaimed and stepped towards me. Her eyes looked red, purple bags under them. “What are you doing here?” Her voice cracked.

“I came back.” I extracted, sounding like a moron. None of the scenarios I’d rehearsed in my head involved April looking the way she did.

“Come in.” She stepped back, opening the door to allow me inside. As I walked in, she noticed the flowers and gave me a questioning look.

“These are for you.” I followed her eyes.

“Thank you.” She started crying. Tears streamed down her face and she wiped them away, but they kept on coming. I came to help her, to help wipe them, but she pushed me away. “No.” She shook her head. “You can’t do this. I was just getting used to being without you.”

I gulped and said nothing. I reached for her hand and she let me.

“Don’t you have anything to say?” April looked at me through the tears. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t say the words. I stood there in silence, staring at her, holding her hand.

“Is that all?” She pulled her hand away. “Why did you even come here?”

I couldn’t answer. I stared at her, feeling faint.

“Rodion?” April looked at me, wide-eyed. Her face was suddenly spinning over my head, the pink roses merged into a cupola and it pulled me inside.

When I came to, I was on the floor, Oliver purring on my chest. I slowly opened my eyes and saw April. She was sitting on the floor next to me.

“Hey!” I said. “I’m sorry.” The words came so easily. She sighed.

“Let me help you get up.” April extended her hand to me. “Are you okay?”

“I guess so.” In reality, I was petrified. I had blacked out and it came out of nowhere.

“It might be because you’re growing quickly. I read it can happen.”

“Oh yeah? It was weird.”

“Listen, Rodion, will you not disappear again?”

“I’ll try.”

“Because even if I go away to college, it doesn’t mean that we won’t be friends. Right?” April attempted a smile, as if simply continuing a conversation we had started before I disappeared.

“I don’t want you to leave.” It took all of my willpower to say those words. I stared at her, feeling my fingertips grow cold from the tension. We’d never spoken about the nature of our relationship before.

“I don’t want to leave either.” April stared at me. Then she leaned in and kissed me. And I kissed her back. We held hands and kissed each other and I felt as if my whole life, my whole world, was complete.

“April. I love you.” I said.

“I love you too.”

That day, we became boyfriend and girlfriend. When April told her friends about it, they gave her incredulous looks, because everyone had assumed that we’d been dating all this time. But it took us over a year to admit to having feelings for each other.

“You’re my best friend, Rodion.” April told me, and I told her the same. Except she was my only friend, too. I had a few acquaintances, but there was no one I’d call a real friend. Only her.

April sent her application to Penn, and by late December, she would know whether she got in. It was a little over a month away, and that month had filled me with hope. I was happy. I barely thought of Mama, of my own lackluster prospects in life, and of my revenge against the Groundhog. And because I was now spending more time with April, I barely played video games.

We’d gotten into a routine, and I would go over to April’s twice a week, right after school. The other days I had my part-time job at a pizza place on Murray avenue.

On the last day of school for the year, we got to April’s, when, having just walked up to the porch, she suddenly yelped, pointing at the mailbox:

“The envelope!”

My eyes followed her gaze, and I saw the corner of an envelope sticking out. A blue and red logo on it. My heart sank. Until that moment, I’d forgotten her college application and the possibility of April leaving Pittsburgh. I felt the tips of my fingers grow cold.

“Rodion, feel it, please. I’m too nervous to do it myself.” April closed her eyes and turned away. It was childish and I would have laughed, had I not felt like doing the same thing myself. With trembling hands, I reached into the mailbox and pulled out the envelope. The mailbox clanked and April asked:

“Is it big? Or small? If it’s big, then I got in.” I swallowed hard, twisting the large envelope in my hands.

“It’s big.” I said after a pause.

“It is?” April turned to face me and ripped the envelope out of my hands. She examined it, turning it left and right, then shook it and finally ripped the top open, exclaiming: “I’m doing it!”

“Congratulations!” she read. “You have been admitted to join..” April stopped and looked at me. “I got in! Rodion! I got in!” She jumped up and down. “Oh my God! I’m going to Penn! I gotta tell my parents. Wow! They’re gonna be so excited.”

I feigned a smile. I knew April wanted this, but until that moment, I didn’t realize just how much.

A few more months, and she would leave. Just like everyone I loved did.