"Hey, wake up..."

...

"Wake up..."

............

"Yo. WAKE!!! UP!!! Oh my god, kids these days. So lazy! All they do is sleep and do the Tick Tocking, but really they need a damned alarm clock to do that for them."

.........................

My blood started to raise in temperature as I felt my body shake. Fight or flight? Well I don't think I'm a bird, so fight I guess.

I flung one of my many limbs at the air, eyes still closed. No collision.

"HEY HEY HEY!!! KID, WHAT WAS THAT FOR??? IS THIS WHAT I GET FOR TRYING TO BE NICE FOR A CHANGE?"

I surrendered and opened my eyes. A large man with deep brown eyes and a bright orange outfit obscured my vision.

"God, finally. I've wasted so much damn time trying to wake you up. Hey, can you speak?"

"......no", I spoke.

The man turned and walked away. Wait, what? Why is this man walking away? Didn't he spend a lot of time trying to wake me up? And he is just leaving? What an asshole! I was having an amazing dream! Probably, but I forgot it by now.

I sat up, and observed my surroundings. A nice fluffy bed and white pil- wait, no. An open blue expanse... probably water. And beneath me... oh god. My worst enemy, sand. The mathematical inverse to human life, sand. A punishment from God for all of our sins. The remnants of an ancient collision between the netherworld and here. Oh heavens, spare me from yo- wait. Why do I hate sand so much? Wait no, that's not what I should be asking. Who am I?

I... how did I get here? How am I here when I was just at- wait, where was I?

I'm grasping at straws here, huh. Everything about me points to me having a past. I mean, hell, I sure don't look like an infant. But, there's nothing. Its irritating, because I know there is something there. Something there that makes me... well, me. But now... am I just an empty shell? Am I back to square 1 of my leech-hood?

"Ummm... excuse me?"

Oh god, interrupted a second time? No way I'm responding!

"I know you can hear me kid. Rude much?"

Oh god oh god...he knows. Fuck! Do I continue my ruse? Or do I give in? Of course I continue! I am not someone who gives up! I shall die on this hill! This is truly a show of my steadfastness, and my qualities of being a leader rather than a follower.

"This kid probably thinks he's cool or something for ignoring me. God, teenagers these days, huh. Well kid, you are not. When you grow up you will understand that you used to be a little brat running around being a nuisance to society. Why am I even telling you this? You obviously don't care."

Damn, that kind of hurt. I started to tear up.

"I just can't handle kids, huh? If a kid wants to pretend he's a cool anime boy like Sasuke from the hit 2000's anime Naruto adapted from an original manga by Masashi Kishimoto, then so be it I guess. Was I like him when I was his age? Hmm.... hell no. Back in my day we all had to conform to the social norms. Nowadays kids got it easy. They can do whatever bullshit they feel like and hide behind "individuality" or "freedom of expression" or whatever but your just a fucking loser kid, grow the f- wait, I'm supposed to be cheering this kid up, fuck"

Audible crying noises emerged as an evolutionary tactic developed to counter the bullshit of middle-aged men.

"Okay, okay, stop crying. Please, you don't even need to speak. Just answer, did you see a suspicious man coming by here? Just nod if yes"

I instantly nodded. The guy who woke me up earlier was the dictionary definition of suspicious, and I was gonna get back at him for waking me up.

"Jesus, finally. It wasn't that hard was it, kid? When you grow up and enter the real world, you can't get away with this bullsh- hold on, I'm getting off track. Uhm... where are your parents?"

The author's tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

Uh, I don't know. But I'm not telling some random stranger, so I didn't say anything.

"Huh. Well that sounds very nice but CAN YOU START FUCKING TALKING KID!?!? HOLY SHIT ALL YOU HAVE DONE IS SIT HERE AND CRY, JUST FUCKING WORK WITH ME HERE OKAY???"

There exist limits, and I crossed mine a long time ago.

"...sorry", my mouth slowly motioned.

"What's that? Can't hear you kid."

"S-Sorry! I'm sorry, sir."

"Polite, are we? Guess a bit of fear can make anyone flip. Well, kid, now that we got you talking, where are your parents?"

I desperately tried to come up with some sort of clever retort, but failed.

"...I dunno"

"You don't know? Well no shit. No way a parent would knowingly let their kid engage in this kind of behavior."

"Uh yeah... haha..."

"Why are you laughing, that wasn't meant to be funny"

"Sorry"

"Anyways...uh...got any idea where they might be?"

"No..."

"Then where were you with your parents last?"

Silence.

"Do you even have parents?"

More silence. Wait why am I not answering again?

"Okay I would call you out for being a little bitch again, but this might be a touchy topic so I'll let it slide. But please answer me. It's... kind of my job"

"I...I dunno..."

"You... don't know if you have parents? Is that possible? Or are you just playing a character?"

"I-I'm sorry! But I don't really know what to say other than that I don't know"

"Well...kid...maybe these questions are overwhelming you. I still have yet to learn anything about you. So...tell me what you do know then?"

I pondered. What do I know? What's my name? Do I even have a name"

"Do you at least know your name?"

"I literally just sai-wait I was talking to myself again"

"Ohhhhh.... is that why you are so silent all the time? Too busy talking to yourself?"

Fuck you, I said in my head.

"Off topic again. Guess you... don't even know your name? Don't know anything? I'd forgive it if you were a fetus, but you are looking a bit older than that. Maybe amnesia? How does that even happen though? I've only seen that kind of shit in fiction, man. Like "After being in a brutal car accident, I barely survived and was sent to the hospital! When my childhood friend who hated me came to visit, I pretended to have lost all my memories, but then she told me she was my girlfriend???" or something. Damn, wish that was me. That could be you! Except... looks like you aren't pretending, huh. Also I'd lose faith in this Earth if a girl liked you before a girl liked me"

Does this guy realize I literally have no idea what he is talking about? I'm literally like in 5th grade, you think I give two shits about what you are saying? Like oh my g- wait. 5th grade? How did that come to me?

"Uh, sir... I think I'm in the 5th grade?..."

"Unless you got held back multiple times, there is no way. You look like you would be in high school."

Huh. Then why did 5th grade come to my mind?

"Okay, okay. This is waaaaay too much for me to handle. Because, honestly, I don't really care that much about you. I really only need some basic info - which I guess you don't have, so..... guess we can make some stuff up!"

He takes out some sort of paper form. Not sure what it is for, but honestly I don't have the energy to ask at this point.

"Alright alright! Kid, your new identity starts here! Let's start. So... what do you want your name to be?"

I was gonna choose my new name? Sick!

"Xx_DragonSla-"

"No. Be realistic here."

"Katniss Everdeen"

"Uh okay sure...? Why does that sound familiar though? Eh, whatever. Oookay, Katniss. Next, race or ethni- nope, not doing that. I'll just leave it blank."

Damn, I really wanted to choose my race. I was thinking of "Elf" or "Half Werewolf Half Demon" or something cool.

"Next, gender, well I don't even need to ask that, so ne-"

"Don't assume my gender", I smartly interjected.

"Sorry, sorry. What would you like to put?"

"Male"

"Fuck off. I was gonna put that."

Hey, I was just being sure.

"Okay next, parent/guardian. Eh, guess that will just be me."

"Ew no, you as my guardian? Don't ruin my image like that"

"Weren't you so polite earlier? What happened? God. If you have a better option, then please feel free to tell me"

I didn't. I just felt like pissing him off.

"Alright, next is high school. Shit, we can't just fill in some random name for this one. Uhh...."

"Just put None, I guess"

"You sure? They are gonna think you are a dumbas- wait, you are. Okay perfect"

Uncalled for, but whatever.

"Alright. Now we got some personality questions. Okay. You are gonna answer 1 to 5, 1 being strongly disagree, and 5 being strongly agree. Alright, we can get through this pretty fast. First, "I like meeting new people""

"1"

"I like helping people out"

"1"

"I am considerate of other people's feelings"

"1"

"I see the good in people, no matter the circumstances"

"1"

"I am not a complete piece of shit"

"1"

"I have some semblance of mor- wait, you sound like a fucking asshole"

Well, I'm just trying to be honest here.

"I'm... just gonna fill some of these in on my own. That's fine, right? It's fine"

I don't know if it was fine, but whatever. I'm pretty sure he filled in a bunch of 5's though... well I guess this entire form is a lie, so a few more couldn't hurt.

"Alright, next. Why are you applying? Why am I asking you this. I'll just fill this in myself too..."

Wait, hold on. What am I applying to?

"...throughout the entirety of my high school, I have had a deep passion for this path and applying here is the logical next step in my journey. This is a great opportunity for me and my future development, and I believe the experiences I will encounter here will be invaluable. I possess all the necessary skills such as common sense, diligence, empa-"

"Um, sir. I know you are reeeeally getting into writing this, but..."

"But what?"

"...what the hell am I even applying for?"

He smirked, and turned the paper for me to see.

I looked.

20XX GOD APPLICICATIONS

APPLY TO BECOME A GOD CANDIDATE

"Kid, you wanna become a god?"

I stared at him blankly.

"...Are you a cult leader?"