All the apartments in the building were identical to each other yet Joshua’s didn’t resemble Ally’s at all. His furniture was mismatched with a worn leather recliner with the footrest permanently extended in medium brown in one corner, a cream lounge draped with a quilt made from autumn toned fabric and a dark wood coffee table with cup marks across its length. On every spare wall were bookshelves filled with a range rarely seen outside of a library with biographies, fiction, fantasy, classics, moderns and books about artwork. Instead of bar stools at the kitchen counter, there were books stacked on top of each other, making it look like the counter was made out of books. The kitchen had a black kettle and a red toaster and the plates didn’t match either.
There was more personality and expression in one corner of the visible space than was in all of Ally’s apartment.
Joshua had wrapped his blue and white striped dressing gown around Ally and sat her on the lounge. He put her phone on the counter, having scooped it up on his way past then rescued the dinner before the pasta turned into mush. He served the meal into two bowls, one smaller than the other, sprinkled shaved parmesan on top and picked them up with napkins and forks. He held the smaller one out to Ally who reached up and took it, her eyes staring forwards, the bowl resting on her lap. Joshua swung a long leg over the footrest of the recliner, sinking into the chair.
“If you want more just ask,” he insisted as Ally poked the meal, “I didn’t want to give you too much if you end up vomiting later.”
She peeled a single strand of fettucine from the small mound in her bowl and put it in her mouth. Joshua ate his meal as soft music played from a speaker on the counter.
“I’m sorry I said what I did…” Ally blinked and lifted her gaze to see his brow furrowed and his mouth turned down. “I…I should never have asked if you were out of your mind or what you were thinking…” He sighed. “I just…I didn’t know what else to say.” He paused to clear his throat. “My pot plants got knocked over in the wind. If I hadn’t gone out there to rescue them…” He shuddered and closed his eyes.
Ally licked her lips, moving the fettucine around the bowl vaguely. “You must think I’m so stupid…” She felt heavy and numb.
“Why?”
“For doing what I did…or at least trying to when I’ve got such a good life.”
She heard the leather of the recliner stretch as Joshua leaned forward and put his bowl on the coffee table.
“I don’t think you’re stupid.” He wasn’t forceful in his tone but he was absolute.
She closed her eyes. “Why not?”
He shrugged. “Because I’ve been where you are.” Ally tried to lift her head, so tired she felt sick. Joshua pressed his lips together. “Five years ago I was engaged and head over heels in love. You know they say love makes you blind?” Ally managed a nod. “Well in my case it made me deaf, dumb and stupid, so much so when someone better came along, after she’d enjoyed all the engagement attention, she broke it off two weeks before the wedding with a text message.” Joshua shook his head. “She didn’t answer any of my texts, none of my questions. I managed to track her down to confront her and demanded to know why. She said I was a fool to imagine that she’d settle for someone like me.”
Ally swallowed as Joshua smiled sadly. “I was humiliated and burned with shame at the way I defended her when family and friends asked if she was really as good as I believed. I retreated from everyone and tried to kill myself in my car with carbon dioxide on a road in an abandoned lot. A fitness instructor jogging through the lot broke the window with a brick and pulled me out. The glass cut my left arm,” he patted his upper arm, “and I have scars from it…”
“But you survived.”
“I got into a good program and the fitness instructor that saved me, Hector Rodriguez, helped me learn about healthy body, healthy soul, put me through the training to become an instructor…I wouldn’t be here if not for him,” Joshua looked at Ally calmly, “I would have thrown away the precious gift of life because I let someone else devalue me as a person.” He put his hands together and leaned forward. “What I’m trying to say is, I know how you feel.”
Ally shook her head or perhaps it only tilted from side to side it was so heavy.
“No, you don’t understand how I feel,” she said hollowly, “because I don’t feel anything.” She looked at him. “I’m not angry or sad or bitter…I’m numb.” She glanced at the bowl in her hands. “I can barely taste anything anymore and can’t sleep for more than a couple of hours…I’m hollow.”
Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.
She waited for Joshua to berate her for her confession.
“It sounds as though you cut off the emotions that were causing you pain, one by one, to protect yourself but wound up isolated and lost.” He said gently.
Ally put the bowl on the table. “I can’t live like this anymore…”
“You don’t have to,” Joshua stood up and took her hands, helping her stand, “you can start fresh tomorrow. The first thing you need is a good night’s sleep.”
He led her around the kitchen wall, past the bathroom and into his bedroom. His bed was made of dark wood with a high base and thick mattress. The bedlinen was dark red with a flocked pattern on it. Joshua drew the heavy doona back then tucked Ally in.
She gazed up at his blue eyes, her body humming with the loss of her inhibitions because of the vodka. He smiled at her before she pushed herself upright and kissed him. For a moment she felt his lips soften and she drew back, the question in her eyes.
Joshua licked his lips and swallowed. “I don’t want to take advantage of you,” he said huskily, “nor do I want to be something you regret.” He picked up the pillows from the other side of the bed. “I’ll sleep on the lounge.”
In the morning Ally woke in a strange bed, startled from a dream where she was being consumed by a purple swamp, dragged under and unable to breathe. She gasped for air, yanking the covers off herself, trying to cool down.
“Easy, Ally,” Joshua appeared around the corner, “easy…”
“Can’t…breathe…”
“You can, I promise. It’ll pass.” He stayed with her until she was able to catch her breath, her head aching and her stomach churning. “Here, drink this.” He passed her a glass of cold, watered down juice. Ally gulped at it. “Slowly or you might make yourself sick.”
She reeled. “Too late…”
Joshua held her hair back as she vomited in the bathroom, shaking hard. “I’m going to run you a lukewarm shower. You don’t have to stand. Just sit in it and rinse yourself off.”
She did as she was told, unable to muster the energy to argue. The night before she had been prepared to die. She’d settled her affairs, made sure Gigi was looked after and put her plant out in the rain. The long fall would have passed in the blink of an eye and any fear silenced the moment her body struck the ground.
Now here she was, nauseated, weak, dehydrated and exposed.
She let the water run over her, leaning against the tiles of the shower, wishing she could muster the emotion to cry.
For, despite the hatefulness of her situation, Ally still couldn’t feel anything.
Biological responses remained the same.
Emotional ones hadn’t been felt in a long time.
She came out of the shower, wrapping Joshua’s robe around herself once more, her hair dripping down her back and heard voices in the front of the apartment.
“…thank you enough.”
“I was in the right place at the right time.”
“I know! But I’m her best friend! I knew she was unhappy but not that she’d ever do something…Ally!”
Hannah ran towards her, nearly crushing Ally in her embrace, never minding that Ally was damp and her hair was soaking. Hannah added her own tears to the mix as she clung onto her.
“I thought I’d lost you! I thought you were dead!” Hannah wept then pushed her back, anger flashing across her face. “You scared the shit out of me, Ally!”
Ally watched her friend cry, disconnected from all emotions. “I’m sorry…”
Hannah sobbed and hugged her again. “No, I’m sorry! I should have known something was seriously wrong, I should have known it!” She wiped at her nose. “When I got that text this morning I rang and rang but you didn’t answer! I ran out of the house, no makeup, dressed in my sweats for goodness sake! I thought I’d find ambulances and police cars everywhere! When they weren’t I thought I’d have to find your body!”
Ally lowered her eyes. “I knew the apartment staff would find me first, not you…” She looked around. “How did you know I was here?”
“I swiped your phone last night,” Joshua pointed to it, “I was in the bathroom with you when Hannah called. It was only when she reached your apartment and tried again that I heard it vibrate.” He cleared his throat, holding Ally’s glasses out to her. “I’ll let you two talk. I’m going to grab a shower and change.”
Hannah drew Ally onto the lounge. “Why didn’t you say anything, Ally? Was it because of Adam? Because he proposed?”
“Actually that made me feel better about it.”
“Excuse me!”
Ally looked at her hands. “I knew you and Adam would look after each other…that you wouldn’t be alone…”
Hannah swore. “Ally…that’s madness!”
“It made sense at the time,” Ally admitted then looked at her, “it still does.”
“You can’t be serious! Ally, I know Commando betrayed your trust and twisted your story…but you really want those bastards to take your life, too?”
Ally shrugged. “I…I don’t know…not anymore…” She swallowed. “I’m sorry for scaring you. I was so…I set the message up to send automatically this morning and didn’t think about it.”
Hannah put her arm around her shoulder. “Joshua told me he pulled you from the balcony just before you fell.” Ally nodded. “He said he saw you going to jump and was yelling but the storm drowned him out. Then you went back inside and he sprinted from here to your apartment…”
“I forgot to put my pot plant on the balcony,” Ally whispered, “I didn’t want to…let it die too. It didn’t deserve to be forgotten.”
“If not for that blessed plant…” Hannah paused. “How did Joshua even get into your apartment?”
“I left the door unlocked so you would be able to get in and find my tablet with my note and all the details to take care of Gigi.”
Tears poured down Hannah’s face. “How long have you been planning this?”
Ally shook her head. “Since Aloy died.”
Hannah hugged her again. “You are not Aloy.”
Ally closed her eyes and let her head rest on Hannah’s shoulder. “I was once…” She breathed.