Henry opened his eyes again this time to a dark dank cave.

He really needed to stop dying and waking up in weird places, it was getting old fast. The cave is massive with no visible entry or exit. From the ceiling there is one spotlight that illuminates what looks like a pile of golden coins.

Henry gets up and pats himself down checking all his fiddly bits, everything seems to be in order. Strangely he felt no pain, no aches in his body. What was going on here? He throws a couple of experimental punches and kicks. They snap with a satisfying crack. This was getting more and more perplexing.

The original owner of this body had never practiced martial arts in his short and miserable life. So how was Henry throwing these punches and kicks like he had been doing them his whole life. Henry didn’t care; he just relished the fact that he was longer trapped in a broken body. Henry whooped and jumped, throwing a sweeping windmill kick in the air.

“You think you’re hot shit in a champagne glass but you ain’t nothing but a cold fart in a dixie cup.”

“Who the fuck said that?” Henry said as he assumed a ready stance.

“Big tough man punching air. I fucking said that you little punk.”

Henry gaped as the pile of gold in the middle of the room melted and reformed itself into the shape of a giant golden serpent. Survival instincts kicked in as Henry immediately dropped his hands and bowed.

“This lowly servant means no offense great one, this one's name is Peng and begs your pardon”

“Oh for fucks sake drop that xianxia bullshit, I know you aren’t Peng and I know you aren’t from this world. It’s Henry right?”

Henry didn’t know what to do at this moment, the hamster wheel in his head had stopped turning. On one hand Henry was pretty sure this serpent could flatten him in one swipe of its claw.

On the other hand who the fuck did this overgrown worm think he was talking too. Henry had never been a reasonable person and he sure as hell didn’t feel like being one now.

“You know what, I'm getting really sick and tired of being dumped on,” Henry said indignantly. “First I get my shit rocked by some rich asshole, then I find out I’m worth less than dirt, then some gold tablet slams my head and now I have to deal with a snippy ass gold noodle.”

Henry was fuming now having worked up a head of steam. He was walking back and forth gesticulating wildly in the air.

“What did I do to get isekai’d into this broke motherfucker? One lifetime of being poor wasn’t enough? Give me a break man. That's not even the worst part. You want to know what the worst part is, Goldy? Can I call you that? Fuck it I’m calling you that”.

The golden serpent raised one finger as if he were going to say something.

Henry cut him off mercilessly.

Henry was in hysterics at this point windmilling his arms and legs around his body like some kind of human dervish. “The worst part Goldy is that this fucker, this fucker here,” Henry wheezed as he jabbed himself in the chest “ has no talent, no cultivation, no family and is probably a virgin. So excuse me for being excited when I find out I can at least punch like I used to.” Henry was hyperventilating at this point, he was pretty sure he was having a panic attack, as he fell down to the floor.

“Jebus bro calm down, take a breath.”

Goldy was slowly patting Henry’s back and fanning him with a fan that he formed from his claws, a look of concern on its reptilian face.

“I was just fucking around ya know. Oh come on it'll be alright.”

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Henry sniffed petulantly and shrugged the dragon's claw off his shoulder.

“So what's the deal then if you aren’t gonna eat me. You going to do some weird soul body transplant where you take my body and mindwipe me. Pretty sure they do that in the novels I used to read all the time.

“Eww why would I ever want your weak ass mortal body. No, I'm waiting for someone to take my legacy so I can leave this damn cave.”

“You aren’t in a cave. I touched a tablet; something called the Thundering Shenlong Heart Mantra, and I blacked out and ended up here.” Henry said.

“That stupid fucker put me in a tablet and then dropped me off in a commoners hut? The disrespect is down right dastardly.”

The serpent coiled itself fully around Henry and rested its head on his.

“Henry, can I level with you for a minute?”

“I mean sure, what can I say? No?” Henry said as he leaned into the serpent's body.

"My name is Shenlong Percival Huanglong”.

“YOUR MIDDLE NAME IS PERCIVAL?” Henry interjected.

The serpent put a claw over Henry’s mouth.

“I know it is stupid, but my parents were big on subversion of expectations. Shut up and let me continue.”

Henry nodded his head and put his hands on his lap.

“ I am an old creature Henry and when you live as long as I have you start to get very bored.

“I picked up some bad habits during my long existence, Henry. None worse than the one that got me stuck in here.”

“I love to gamble.”

The serpent let out a long sigh as if recalling a painful memory. Henry patted its head and gave it a double thumbs up of encouragement.

“I was not a very good gambler Henry. I lost a lot to the other deities and spirits. That didn’t stop me though because mama did raise no quitter. So I kept gambling and I kept losing until one day I had nothing left.”

Henry felt a pang of empathy for this serpent; he too understood the pain of being broke.

“That's when It came. It offered me some free gold at first because It thought I was a good dude and could just use some help.”

“I kept losing and it kept showing up offering a little more each time.”

“Soon a contract was introduced and it gave me even more but this time I had to pay it back. Very little mind you, barely anything.”

Henry felt a sense of despair wash over him. He didn’t know why but he felt a kinship to Goldie's plight.

“This thing said I was making the Minimum Payments.”

“I loved it, this wonder of Minimum Payments.”

“I was gambling and barely having to pay anything. I was in a vicious cycle Henry stuck in this loop of only ever being able to pay an ever increasing Minimum Payment until one day everything changed.”

Goldy took a deep breath to collect himself. This recollection was definitely having an adverse effect on him. Henry saw this and gave his new serpent pal a big bro hug.

“The thing came and said I could keep paying the Minimum Payment or I could make a bet with It.”

“I couldn’t say no Henry.”

“It told me if I could train one true disciple within five thousand years then it would wipe my debt clean and give me all my money back. If I couldn’t then It would take everything it was owed from my cultivation and flesh.”

Henry looked at Goldy in horror. This It thing was gonna assault his bro. Henry hated this It thing.

“At first I was all in, I was gonna double up and get everything back. I could train an inheritor, how hard could it be?”

“All my siblings had at least one and I am way smarter than those assholes”.

“I realized after my first fifty disciple that this was a suckers bet”.

“Not one of those bums could go the distance, not one of them had the drive to cultivate my mysterious arts.”

“I am a gambler Henry. So I wagered with It again double or nothing.”

“Pick a person and put me anywhere and in a 100 years I would train them to full inheritor status.”

Henry raised his hand and said “what happens if you don't, is it gonna violate you?”

“No gross why would you think that, besides there are fates worse than death or violation Henry.”

“So how much time do you have left?” Henry was intrigued by his new, obviously gambling addicted friend.

“One hundred years fifty years.”

“Bro I could do that, no sweat. What’s so hard about your cultivation anyways?” Henry scoffed. Goldy uncoiled from Henry and pointed one clawed finger to the middle of the cave where the earth seemed to flatten by itself and form a fighting ring.

“Get in there and I’ll show you.”