I stood under an umbrella and looked down at the black casket being lowered. The hole dug six feet deep and I just felt like my world was ending, my mom was no longer here. Now it is just me and my dad in the world. Mom once said ‘she would never leave us’ and now we’re here. My mom’s friends and family surround the hole.

“Poor child losing her mom at such a young age,” one woman said.

“I can’t believe he brought her,” another one said.

I blocked out the other voices and watched as the groundskeeper buried my mom. My tears didn’t fall, I’m not going to give them a show. I’m not here for them, I’m here because dad doesn’t deserve to be alone here. I stayed with dad in my black dress, it looked very conservative and my sweat went into my eyes. The summer breeze blew in my face, so I felt extremely heated in my flat dress shoes.

Then dad held my hand for comfort, so I squeezed his hand back. It was my way of showing him I understood, I wasn’t a little kid. I was about eighteen, so a senior in high school, well almost a senior. We are moving soon, so we can have a new start and I’m fine with it. I sighed in relief when mom was fully buried, so I could move on from the sight of seeing her dead in the viewing. 

The look still haunts me, so I shiver as if it is cold in summer. I actually just turned eighteen before my mom well became this, so I would say it is tragic. Dad cleared his throat and everyone jumped back not expecting it, then everyone was alert.

“Sorry to have startled any of you, but I’m going home with my daughter,” dad said sadly.

“Yes we should go,” I said as if as a shy rabbit.

We left the funeral and went home to do lord knows. I’m not religious, so I’m not sure why I thought that, and now we are home. We have a one-story home; it looks ancient as if it was a hundred years old. I got out of the truck and walked up the gravel path to our back door, we don’t use the front door never have. I looked around at the boxes stacked up and felt tired already without doing anything. 

“How about you go to your room? I’ll just check on everything here” dad said looking around himself.

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“Okay, but I’ll help in the morning to move things with you,” I say as stubborn as I can be. 

He smiled and nodded like he was giving me something, pitying me. I’m looking for something in my room, it has stuff everywhere on the floor. I should really clean up since we are moving tomorrow, I started picking up some things. I piled them into a box and sealed it writing ‘clothes to wash’. my hand traces on my corkboard, the only happy memory of something other than my parents. 

“Shayda where did you go?” I said to the picture of me and a short light brown-haired girl. She has the deepest abyss of golden eyes and an hourglass figure. She was giving the peace sign over my shoulder, I wasn’t much to look at. A bit overweight, I’m about five feet ten inches and that isn’t too shocking. I smiled looking at our smiling faces as if we were in on a hidden joke at the moment. 

I picked up everything, so all my stuff is ready for the move. Then it was time to box up the photos of my past, I chose to use a small box that I can put in my closet when I get to the new house. Dad came into my room after I boxed things up, but I still need to put some clothes into my backpack. so I have a change of clothes on hand when we get there. Looking at dad I could tell he wanted to talk. 

“Can we talk? I just need a moment before you go to bed” dad says gesturing to the bed. So we sat down on my bed, this is our last night here.

“So what do you wanna talk about?” I say impatiently like usual.

Dad rubbed the back of his neck and sighs “you know you can look for a man or something, I only restricted you until sixteen”. 

I know that, but he has genders sort of wrong. I love both and well love girls more I would say, but dad is that kind of religious. I have to have a husband and no wife, why is that?. We don’t even go to church anymore, What is with some god-fearing people?. They always seem to hold their bible to save themselves, but not the family. 

“Dad, can I just go to sleep? I just feel tired” I even yawn to make it seem real. 

He gets up and smiles “well then it is bedtime, so sleep tight”. 

He said as he left and I was alone again with my thoughts. What is the new home going to be like? Will I belong? This always bothered me about moving. We’ve been moving here and there, it was all I am used to. I could hear as dad walked away from my door, the hardwood floor echoing. I rubbed my belly hating my body and wished I was good enough for Shay to love.

She made her choice and I was mad at the time, she disappeared. I’m too tired to care anymore, so I fell asleep on my covers, and sleep drifted in fast. It wasn’t going to take no for an answer and the world went black.