It all started during the fight that resulted in the arrest of both billionaire CEO Jared Lang and some villain named the Kinderdrawer (I can’t pronounce it either). They were defeated by the Unreliables - a group of superheroes that don’t have the best superpowers. First, there’s Buzzkill, some asshole who can summon extinct creatures from a box. I don’t know where he got the box, he just... has it. Next, we have The Quantum Brain, he’s a lot smarter and can fundamentally change the reality of whatever’s around him, though he’s never seemed to be able to coherently explain how his powers work. Must be something to do with the goggles. Finally, Eye Trace. According to some people, he’s just really good at martial arts, but I’ve seen John Wick far too many times to believe that there isn’t some kind of supernatural force at work behind him. I watch a lot of movies, cause I get free tickets, so I know that some of the moves he did during the fight with Lang were directly from Bruce Lee films.
I remember that fight, it made national news. I was working at the theater that day and I saw it go down. It was a slow day, so I remember the exact moment it started. I was working with Mylo, a dorky kid from puyallup. It was roughly around 3pm, our slowest hour. I was resting my arms on the counter of the concessions stand, bored out of my mind.
Mylo had to snap his fingers in my face a few times to get me out of my daze. “Hey,” he started, “is something up?”
I moved his hand away. “I’m just kinda tired,” I responded, “it’s been a long day already.”
“Yeah, same.” He replied, grabbing a rubber band ball from behind the counter and beginning to bounce it out of boredom.
“Have you seen the new Zelda trailer? It’s from the same people who made the Mario movie. I think they cast Timothy Chalamet as Link.”
“Impressive, glad we’re getting Twink Link representation.”
“Timothy Chalamet is straight.”
“We don’t know that for sure.”
I sighed, cause he was right. We shouldn’t be speculating about the sexualities of random celebrities, regardless of how hot they are. He continued to bounce his ball for a few brief moments, before suddenly the ball slammed into the ceiling as every part of the theater was thrown upwards, including us. That’s when the stomping started. Each moment afterwards felt more and more tense, like the T-Rex scene in Jurassic Park. The stomping continued for a few moments, moving everything in the area with it, before we saw a giant, mechanical robot standing directly in front of the theater.
I had a hard time believing what I was seeing. I didn’t want to believe that there was literally a massive robot in front of my eyes. I couldn’t... well, I could, but for a few seconds I was in shock and awe.
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Then a random dude in a superhero outfit riding a triceratops proceeded to headbutt the giant robot as hard as he could. Once the robot was knocked flat on it’s ass, it started shitting out really crude drawings of flying pigs from its back. One of them nearly flew into the theater, pushing through the doors cause we were too far away to block them, before a guy dressed like a crash bandicoot villain knocked it down and it suddenly became an oven-roasted turkey.
After doing so, he turned his head towards us and moved his arms in a way to indicate that we should leave. Mylo, who took 3 years of sign language in high school, told him that we can’t leave because we’re at work.
Without a second of thought, the guy touched the large sign in front of the store and it turned into a hot air balloon. He then came back to the window and signed back to Mylo that we weren’t at work anymore, then ran off and got back into the fight. Mylo immediately dropped behind the counter as several of the flying pigs started barrelling towards us. He brought me down with him.
“Fuck!” he shouted, shaking, “What in the absolute fuck is happening??!?”
“You think I know? I don’t even know what Dr. Neo Cortex over there said to you!” I shouted back, reeling from everything that was happening around us.
“He said that we don’t work here anymore.”
“Is that why he turned the sign into a hot air balloon?”
“Yeah, probably, we should listen to him.”
After a rough rampage full of dodging flying pig drawings and staying out of all the damage flying around behind us, we finally managed to reach the theater's side exit and started running as fast as we could. However, before we were able to make it all that far, we got stopped and surrounded by a group of people all dressed in black bodysuits with a logo on their chest that resembles a coiled snake and a capital G.
“Who are you?” I yelled, frightened as they approached us.
“Simmer down,” a voice from the back that sounded kinda familiar spoke, walking slowly towards us, “we don’t mean any harm.”
“Then answer her question, asshat.” Mylo responded, aggravated.
“We’re sinister, that’s all you need to know.” a deeper voice arose from the circle surrounding us.
“I’ll explain everything in due course, I just need you both to do one thing for me,” said the calm, raspy voiced man standing before us, seeming to be the leader, “look into my eyes.”
Here’s the thing about me, whenever a cisgendered man asks me to stare into his eyes, I close them as hard as I can, and this scenario felt no different. Mylo, however, clearly didn’t react the same way, as I immediately heard his body fall slowly onto the ground behind me.
“Serenity...” he whispered into my ear, as his men were tying my hands behind my back, “I’ve been looking for you for oh, so long.”
“That’s pretty creepy, chaser.” I replied, still shutting my eyes as hard as I could.
“Don’t be like that, Serenity. Open your eyes. Look into mine.”
As he said those words, I could feel my eyelids rising before he forcefully turned my head towards him, staring me dead in the eyes.
“Endure your sin.”