I take a deep breath, filling my lungs with cool and much-needed air. As I am enjoying the moment, the man in black ruins it for me.
“You just ate those 8 wings in 2 and a half minutes. I would have thought your ability was eating-related if I didn’t read your bio.”
“What are these abilities you are talking about? Also, I don’t mind that you are stalking me because I know my life is exemplary,” I said feeling proud of my achievements.
“Abilities can manifest in many different forms. For example, people who can manipulate certain elements, have super strength, or can read minds. There’s a lot more, but I don’t want to info dump you right now.”
“So why am I here?”
“You have awakened an ability. So we brought you here to recruit you into our organization. Its name is the Universal Super Corporation, but we just call it USC for short.”
“Wait, I’ve awakened an ability?” This doesn’t make sense to me. I’ve always had super intelligence, handsomeness, charisma, and vocabulary since I was a mere zygote.
“The specifics of your ability are unknown, but we believe it to be heat-related. Your computer had a hole burnt through it and your room was filled with ashes.”
Well, I’ve always been really sweaty and had a high body temperature. I guess that’s a fine power, as I already possess superhuman intellect.
“Do you have an ability?”
“Yeah, it’s better if I just show you”
As he says that, his body slowly becomes transparent until I cannot see him. Wtf bro…. I want that ability. What a cool power!
”if I had that power, I could spy on the girls locker room!” My thoughts unintentionally leak out.
I can see a vein visibly bulge out of his forehead. Maybe he’s angry that he hasn’t had such a big brain idea.
“Do you have any more questions?” He asks with a low and gruff voice. I think he needs a cough drop.
A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.
“Wait, so what would my role be in this company? Also, aren’t there more companies, so why would I join yours? Do I receive healthcare benefits? Sick days? What’s the yearly wage? What the fuck does this company actually do?”
He gives me a look and then releases an audible sigh. I believe he is suffering from some form of depression considering he won’t show his face and his quick mood changes.
“Well, I’m glad your asking questions. So USC’s goal is to protect normie lives from ISIS, which is short for International Super Injustice Society. Their goal is to create a society of just supers.”
“Bruh,” maybe I should join ISIS. I don’t like normies and I get to be surrounded by a superior race.
“Of course, this entails the killing or enslavement of all the normal people.”
“Nvm,” dodged that bullet.
“We can’t really tell you about your job when we don’t even know your power’s yet. But if you would like to not be a part of this, we can make it sure you can live out a normal life. Of course, we will give you training to control your powers before sending you off.”
As I don’t register what this man is saying, my body suddenly becomes warm. Oh god, it feels as though lava is running through my veins. I can’t help but begin to sweat. My body starts to uncontrollably shake as I grit my teeth. This heat, this pain, this grumbling in my stomach, this can only mean one thing...
“It’s coming.”
“Huh? What was that?”
“Where is the restroom?”
The man freezes.
“....Through that door.”
I don’t have time to tell the man to thank you as I rush with my top speed towards that door. I must reach it before it’s too late, lest the world ends. If there is a god, he should help me now.
I get to the door handle and pull on it hard, but it remains unopened, shit. I’ve wasted 2 seconds of my valuable time when I should’ve realized that this was a push door. Grrr, how could I have made such a mistake? I will have to make up for lost time now.
I then push on the door, opening it to see the pristine holyland. If I am too late, this holyland will be dyed with the shades of hell, never to recover to its previous state.
Oh no! A stupid bystander is right in front of the door, giving me a surprised and retarded looking face. I have to use my special technique in order to lose a minimal amount of speed. I immediately lunge to the side and hit the wall. Using the elasticity of my *cough* muscles, I bounce off the wall towards one of the stalls.
SHIT! The jerking movement has accelerated the coming of Armageddon. Will I make it? NO! I MUST MAKE IT!
I use every ounce of my strength, coordination, and flexibility to turn around, jump, and take off my pants and underwear to land on the toilet seat. Seat covers are for pussies.
I then release everything.
*PFFFFTFFTTFTTFTTTTTTTTTTTTT*
*SQRT* *POOT* *POOT* *SKRT* *BING* *BANG* *SKEET* *TEEHEE* *BOOP* KEHK* *REEEEEEE*
I feel my innards leaving me, purging the impurities from my body. It’s as if I’m going through rebirth, becoming a pure infant in this grotesque and disgusting world. Wait, what the fuck is happening? There is steam everywhere. I look down at my work, to see that the toilet water is boiling and evaporating at an incredible pace. Hmmmm, I guess I’m hot shit.
After using so much energy to run here and shit, I don’t feel like getting up. I reach for my phone in order to play Puzzles and Dragons, but I don’t find it in my pocket. Shit bro.
I look up to see the roadblock of a human being looking at me. What the fuck is wrong with this dude? If I don’t close the stall door, that doesn’t give him permission to just stare at my junk right now. I should charge him for letting him see me in all my glory.
“Yo, quit staring and move along,” I tell this fucking idiot.
He jumps slightly at those words and quickly runs out of the restroom. Finally, I have some peace of mind.