“Ay, signor Punto you are too beautiful?” was called out from behind me.
I try to turn but it feels like my feet are stuck. Looking down I’m kneedeep in thick black soil mixed with sand. Trying to turn my head I realized I’m somehow paralyzed. Trying not to freak out I use my eyes to look around trying to see where I’m at. A sea of green carpet goes off into the distance, ending in a swirly black mass just beyond. I’ve seen the carpet before but can’t quite place it. It takes a few seconds but yes, it’s from work. Why am I at work? Before I can figure out what the hell is going on my whole world is turned around to have me facing Michel as he stares down at me.
“Look at you there my succulent papichulo.” I feel Michel try to almost glide his hand against my face before pulling his hand back with a yelp and holding his hand. “Ay, you so rough.” I try to pull away or talk. “Thankfully, you know I like it. The safe word is more!” He continues with a giggle.
My soundless scream reverberates against my brain as I try to tell him, “Stop, it’s me!” As Michel twirls away still talking, I finally see my reflection in the full-length mirror that is lying at the opposite side of the office-like space I found myself haunted by.
I’m the damn cactus. Why the hell am I the cactus? I even tried to use some of my skills hoping that Smeed would be summoned to my fingertips. I look back up at my reflection and curse internally as I see the full costume that Michel has me in. Not only did Michel decide to add guns to Mr. Punto, but there were also small black leather chaps and a black hat to match. Ignoring the small red ball that seemed about mouth height on the cactus, I try my best to disassociate from any part of this experience. How the hell do you close your eyes when you don’t have eyelids?
Trying to calm down and figure out what to do I take a few breaths or rather I take a few mental breaths I guess. Is this what night terrors feel like? Michel pulls back into view suddenly wearing a short bright red robe with a thick black belt around the middle of it. “Are you ready for your presents mi amor?” Michel begins to tug at the gold belt buckle barely holding itself together across his wide belly. “I already know you’re on the naughty list, but I won’t hold that against you, or maybe I will,” he gives another teasing tug at the belt.
I try to give an extended “Noooooo!” with every fiber of my poor cacti being. Nothing comes out as I see the tease become a solid tug at the belt. There’s another attempt to close my non-existent eyes trying to avoid whatever was going on with Michel's unsightly southern border. Somehow the fabric stays shut as the belt is fully pulled apart.
As I try to shout out for Smeed's help, Michel clears his throat and begins to sing in a thicker accent than normal to the beat of a Christmas song, “Feliz Navidad, Mr. Punto Boo. Feliz Navidad, Mr. Punto Boo. Feliz Navidad, Punto in his sexy chappy chaps. Devvy, get ready.” He said my name why did he say my name, he reached down to either side of the robe about to pull the fabric apart. As the fabric separates a bright light takes over my vision blinding me completely.
As I blink my eyes from the almost painful brightness I realize that I have eyelids and flutter them just for the hell of it to enjoy finally having control. I quickly realize I’m looking up at a forest canopy and sit up with a crack in my back. Giving thanks to finally being out of whatever nightmare I was just in, I take a deep breath through my mouth and nose.
Rather than the crisp smell of morning air, my nostrils are met with a mouth-watering aroma that reminds me of home.
While I’m sure that some would not find this idea satisfying, waking up to bacon is one of the most nostalgic experiences of my life. While it wouldn’t happen all the time, my mom could wake herself up before me on a Saturday morning and would break out all the stops for a great breakfast. Amongst the other goodness were overly salty but budget-savingly cheap slices fried to just the cusp of burntness, all cooked in batches that ensured maximum crispness.
To this day, that smell gives me an almost primal feeling deep in my belly that has me ready to devour the source of the smell. How the hell did this game mimic that deep memory so perfectly? An almost embarrassing amount of saliva fills my mouth as my stomach begins to growl. Why build that reaction into the game? Damnit Ish.
Guilt fills me as I follow the smell to its source that was still lying in a bed of coals in the fire. Lowering my head, I give a short prayer to the piglet that wandered into the wrong clearing, Stretching my arms up into the sky a chorus of cracks filled the air as I lean to each side. Yet another unfortunately way too accurately human function modeled by Ish and Smeed.
“Why good morning. I was surprised you slept through getting a number two last night and you didn’t even care to find what came out.” Smeed called over cheerfully.
“A number two? What the hell are you talking about Smeed? A number what?” I groggily call over to Smeed as I pause my zombie-like crawl to the beckoning food
“Number 2, you hit level two last night. I would think you would be excited to see the results is all.” He said eagerly.
“Yea, yea. You’re right.” I make a few movements of my mouth thinking about the food one last time before asking Smeed for some water to wash my mouth out. After repeating the process a few times I take a few deep drinks of the water. I’d imagine water in a digital world to taste almost more like nothing than the real world. Instead, there was what I’d expect from water with an almost sweetness.
“Thank you for not using your mouth this time.” I spit the water I had in my mouth at Smeed’s comment.
“Dude, not cool when I’m drinking water.” Wiping my face I pull up my stat sheet and add a second mental request to show me descriptions of any skill updates to my sheet. I feel a slight bit of pride at remembering what Smeed had taught me about the interface.
_________________________
Character: Dev
Race: Human
Class: Runic Cook Level 2
Might: 10
Agility: 10
Grit: 10
Magic: 10
Allure: 10
Unspent MAGMA Pts: 2
HP: 100
MP: 100
Armor: Novice Rags
Weapon: Runic Pan
Inventory: Empty
Gold: 0 pcs
Skills: Tool Cleanse II ∞
Runic Cookery ∞
Culinary Herbology ∞
Keen Instinct ∞
Fast Hands ∞
Improvised Master ∞
Tools of the Trade II
Strong Arm II (fka Power Throw)
Comfort Food ∞
_________________________
Updated Skill Descriptions
Tool Cleanse II (Passive): Current cleaning abilities have not changed. Your hands are now part of your cooking arsenal and can benefit from this skill’s functionality.
Fast Hands (Passive): You have honed your hand-eye coordination in both culinary and combat pursuits. You are nimble with chopping, slashing, and blocking movements.
Improvised Master (Passive): All weapons or tools you have created have added accuracy or utility. If used in combat, weapons you’ve made have +2 to hit.
Tools of the Trade II (Passive): Two attuned tools can now be summoned to you. Both get +3 phys damage to attacks with 1 mp used when switching between items.
Strong Arm (Charge): Melee and range attacks that rely on might can be infused with magic to strike or throw for an additional 1-6 pts of phys. damage. (Recent gameplay balancing has replaced Power Throw with this skill.)
Comfort Food (Passive): You have learned to put a bit of yourself in your food. All food you make now has an additional +5 HP recovery regardless of ingredient quality.
_________________________
“I can make some lemonade from the new skills, but I somehow feel a little held behind in the offense department. Hell, at least you get a couple of magic spells, I can chop onions more efficiently or whatever.” I stand up and sulk over to Smeed and grab him before heading over to where my rags lay and putting the now spotless tunic back on.
“It’s only been two levels, Dev, I will also say that you may be underselling your current arrangement of skills. While they may be utility-focused, I believe your ingenuity may find ways to use the skills in ways the system may not have intended.” Smeed replies from where I held him at my side.
“No, don’t get me wrong. I’m not too bummed. But truth be told, what it comes down to is I feel like a dumb fighter-type character who just happens to have a badass weapon to throw around. Also, no offense, you’re still a dang pan” I spin him unconsciously as I grab my kitchen spear. Cleansing the tip I begin opening the leaves that were surrounding the meat on the fire.
Smeed begins to reply as I continue the unwrapping, “Yes, this is a melee-focused class thus far but this is merely a foundation for a structure that hasn’t been fully imagined yet.”
They say sometimes if you lose a sense, you kinda gain greater strength in the rest. What happens if one of your senses is overpowered? Do the rest dim to compensate? I dunno the answer to that but Smeed’s speech is muted as I finally open the last bit of leaf and the sweet and savory smell of the roasted moss hog overloads my senses. I ignore the shape of the poor thing in front of me and instead focus on my growling belly.
“That’s how I would go about it at least.” Smeed ended his monologue.
“How you would go about what?” I reply finally hearing what he is saying.
“If you want a specific set of skills, try to make sure you are doing those actions. My overuse of Spark seems to have led to Fire so who knows what you focusing on your more mana-focused skills will yield.” Smeed replies from where I had laid him beside me.
I used my spear to begin opening the thick skin that was somewhat softer after the long roasting. Taking heed of Smeed’s suggestion, I begin using a combination of my Fast Hands and Strong Arm skills to make a few holes in the hide of the animal using my spear. I then switch to my shells and begin working at the areas between the holes to finally reach the meat beneath. I don’t need to open my action log to know that multiple skills culminated to make that task go way smoother than it should have.
Smeed observes the same thing, “You must have had 2-3 skills working to assist you with that skinning. Even with any fiber breakdown during the cooking process, yes I would not downplay your skills too much Devin. I am sure you will be able to hold your own in this world.”
I smile at Smeed before plopping the video game pork into my mouth. It happens again, that muting of other senses as one is taken over by another. This time it was my tastebuds being completely bombarded by an onslaught of extremely tart mixed with an almost mint flavor saturating the meat. I’m sure Smeed is talking but that same muting continues as another piece of the meat is pulled off and into my mouth. This time there’s a bit more of the mint flavor and I savor this different bite before I’m able to hear and see again. I’m amazed at how pulled apart and soft this came out.
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“Please can I get a piece? I’m not going to beg anymore.” Smeed calls over.
“I’m sorry bud, yes of course.” I quickly make up for my moment of culinary zen to cut off a hunk of the meat with a piece of the skin still attached. “I think I might have an idea for a quick way to kick this up also.”
“I’m sure you’ve already made a Rare dish at least with that Moss Hog, why do more?” Smeed says as I put him onto the fire with a smaller piece of the pork for him to taste. “Oh, this is divine. Like truly, this is, wow.” I can’t help but laugh to myself as he continues his appreciation.
“I’m going to let you warm up some and then cook up this skin. You may not be able to try this next bit, but I’m sure the crunch will be amazing.” I say waiting for the pan to warm up.
“How is that going to add anything? It already tastes amazing.” Smeed says while still making tasting sounds for some reason.
“You haven’t tried Mama Michel’s crackling pork skin. I’m sure I won't do it justice, but it is worth the try.” I grab a piece of fat from the pork in the fire and add that to the pan with a sizzle. That should give me a nice layer to fry the skin in. I pull off the small piece of fat, leaving what liquid comes off of it. I grab the larger piece of fat and lay it into the pan with an even louder sizzling sound filling the forest.
The skin begins to curl up on the ends and I curse slightly looking around me. I see a rock that is the size of my fist and see that the underside is covered in dirt. My cleanse doesn't work so I give a few swings with it to act as if I was crushing some random herb. “Hopefully that’s enough to establish you as a tool.” I am thankful when my Cleanse skill kicks in and cleans the rock to my liking. I then lay the rock across the skin in the pan to hold it flat as the fry happens. I listen to the sizzle in the pan and try to keep patient as I let the oils do their thing.
Just like with chicken, seared steak, or even grilled cheese, the waiting is what matters most. With the wait, you also have to make sure NOT to lose your focus. Memories of my bitter grilled cheese invade my mind as I watch the pan. No, this won't be the same as my poor sammy.
“I can see what you’re doing and it does make sense. Wouldn’t adding something else help with the flavors?” Smeed calls over, already pretasting my dish.
“Yeah, but I don’t think there’s anything left.” I look over at my makeshift kitchen counter hoping my detour won't lead to overcooked cracklin. I see a few of the lemon kale leaves and quickly chop them using my skill before tossing them around the frying skin. “Good call man, that should at least add some citrus flavor.
“Anything to help!” Smeed said cheerfully.
While still paying attention to the pan I begin to contemplate my current problem with my skills. Just like Smeed was saying, I should have the ability to force the system’s digital hand by focusing on as many magic-focused abilities as possible today. To emphasize my point I draw my kitchen spear to my hand. I end up trying to do the same with one of the shells but it doesn’t work. I guessed that I already had my pan as my summoning tool. I mentally request removing the pan from that status and switching it mentally to one of the shells.
I then have both tools in my hand and I smile. Time for some tool juggling. I then set about making the two items jump from one hand to the other letting my mana points tick down. After hitting almost a dozen switches between the two I look over at the skin again and feel that it’s pretty much ready. Laying my stick by the fire I mentally remove it from my Tools of the Trade skill and replace it with the rock from the fire. I am thankful that I don’t burn my hand when I summon the rock tool to my hand.
I lift the pan and look down at the pork, immediately feeling my mouth water. This was one hell of a way to wake up in the morning. I take the pan over to the boulder top and begin trying to use one of the shells to cut into the now hard outer crust of my dish. The audible crunch as I cut into the pork is so damn satisfying. While it takes some work I get a few thick long slices cut off the larger piece I had made.
I lift one of the slices and just take in the glistening bit of skin and meat I had in front of me. As I take a bite a deafening crunch fills my ears as I chew the savory explosion of fat mixed with a slightly gamey crunch of the skin. It is a decadent thing that is probably terrible for you but tastes too damn good to care too much about that fact. I put the rest back into the pan hoping Smeed gets a little cut of the flavor.
“Worth it,” was all Smeed got out before what sounded like chewing.
I give a smile and savor another few bites of it before placing it back into the pan and eating some of the pork straight from the still-warm firepit. That last bite has me stumbling over to the boulder top and sitting to lean against it.
“Holy shit was that good.” I’m thankful for my lack of a belt as i sit back with my legs spread wide open.
“I agree,” Smeed replies with a smack of lips that he did not possess.
Feeling satisfied I think about the couple of dishes I made recently and ask the system to pull up what I had created and any experience I received from their creation.
_________________________
You have cooked suckling moss hog with assorted seeds.
You have successfully created roasted moss hogling (Uncommon).
You gain 5 xp.
Your roasted moss hogling (Uncommon) gives 5 hp.
You have cooked moss hog skin with lemon kale.
You have successfully created crackling hogling skin (Uncommon).
You gain 5 xp.
Your roasted moss hogling (Uncommon) gives 5 hp.
_________________________
“Welp, no rare recipes, unfortunately. But I’m glad that I have some healing food at my disposal. Gonna need it if my day of adventuring is to go as planned.” I sit back after closing my action log.
“Might I suggest a trip to town? Not to sound like a broken record, but the sooner you get there the sooner you can be done with all this makeshift stuff.” I can almost see him twirling to gesture at my stick, shells, and items around the clearing.
“Eventually Smeed, eventually,” I reply to him as I set about packing up anything I could need while out there. I figure I can use this as a command center as I adventure around the area. It takes a few minutes but I’m able to make an awkward bookbag out of the salamander with the head bouncing on my own as I walked with it. While awkward, it did allow me to carry items with me rather than having to walk around with Smeed filled with stuff.
I chose a different direction today. According to Smeed, this direction would eventually lead to swampland but I should be able to avoid it as long as I didn’t go too far south. While I yearned to hear more about the world, I felt experiencing would be more important so I just continued walking through the forest before crossing what looked to be a primitive version of a paved road. Looking back and forth I could see that it went on for miles in either direction.
“Esslem one way and the mountain cities of Graglin the opposite.” Smeed calls to me as he sees me looking each way a few times.
“You keep pushing me to go to Esslem, what happens if I go to Graglin instead?” I look towards the mountains in the distance.
“My guess is you would probably die partway there as the Shardwinds freeze every exposed part of your body. You can try to get there if you want to.” Smeed says smugly.
“Ok fine, that’s my fault for just assuming you guys wouldn’t have hidden content like that,” I grumble before continuing to walk onto the prairie on the opposite side of the road. Before me was a great flat land that had some random trees strewn throughout. “Did I just walk into a farming simulation?” I ask as I pluck a piece of the grain growing beside me and put it into my mouth to chew as I walk.
“I wouldn’t take Esslem’s plains for granted.” Smeed replies ominiously making me start to scan the area around us. “That means the ground as well,” Smeed follows up as he no doubt watches my quick head movements.
“Dude, do you have to put me on edge like this.” I stopped using my cooking spear as a walking stick and held it with the pointy end parting the grass before us as we continued through the area. To once again test my skills, I began using my Keen Sight skill to see far-off parts of the golden wheated area surrounding me to the left that went on for miles until it led to a great white expanse that stretched to the base of the mountains in the distance. To my right was just as much wheat but I could finally see some far-off sporadic farms with the long grass surrounding me being neatly shorn in geometric patterns to make way for crops no doubt.
If I strained my skill I could just make out what seemed to be the tips of 3 shining buildings in the distance. I ask, “Hey Smeed, can you describe Esslem for me?”
He begins eagerly, “Well of course there’s the Pearl Towers that are a sight to be seen. Originally built for protection, they were gilded with pearls by Her Majesty, Matriarch Hethar II. The process was completed mere months before her passing but has since become a sign of Esslem’s roots being intertwined with its magical roots. The rest of the city spreads out for a few,” his words are cut off as my leg sinks up to my thigh into a hole.
I cough as a cloud of dust is expelled around me from the hole. I’m barely able to keep from falling as I pull myself out of the deep hole. Looking back down into it I see that the almost perfect circle leads to a tunnel reaching out in either direction. I grab Smeed and ask him to use fire as I hold him towards the hole’s entrance.
“I’d stay away from the mouth of that hole. When I said to keep an eye out, this was what I was talking about. Or at least, one of the many things to keep an eye out for.” Smeed says with an ominous echo from the tunnels as he calls out from the hole.
“What the hell could make a hole that big?” I move to my knees looking down into the hole.”The sides of the hole and from what I can tell on the tunnel are so smooth. Is there some kind of mob using drills out here?” I ask as I glide my hand over the smooth side of the hole.
“Well, not drills exactly.” Before Smeed can continue I freeze hearing something moving through the long grass behind me. I attempt to back up from the hole while looking in the direction of the sound I hear another to my right and see the grass move. “So Devin, is this a lore-sharing time, or a I should shut up and just observe time?” Smeed asks breaking my concentration.
“It’s a let me think time and give me only information you think is important.” I feel my heartbeat begin to throb as I stand up in a wider stand with the cooking spear in one hand ready for a charged strike. I lift Smeed holding him ready to throw.
“Well, you should know that these are normally subterranean creatures. They’re pretty damn slow but have been known to wreak havoc when allowed to roam too close to a settlement. Avoid their mouths at all costs.” I see two groupings of grass begin to shake on either side of where I stood, making me step back slowly.
“Mouths? What kind of monstrosities have you guys got crawling around out there?” To answer my question 3 wide oval-shaped furry heads popped out through the grass and stared at me. Both their wide almost smiling mouths and eyes were framed in orange-hued groupings of fur. The rest of each face was covered in a golden field of fur that matched the grass around us. Its features were very close to a sloth’s but also incorporated some tiger or feline features as their heads each were topped with small pointy ears that reminded me of a bobcat. Each looked like an adorable golden version of a sloth mixed with that of a cat.
“They’re Prarie Dogs. I suggest stepping away before they try to attack. They can,” Smeed’s speech was cut off as I hopped to avoid the attack that came from a bit behind me. I felt the fourth animal more than heard it. I see a big golden glob of mucus hit the ground where I had just stood. “That's what does it.”
“That does what?” I begin to see the grass sizzle as I say that and immediately begin to position myself trying to watch all the animals at once. “What does it do Smeed?”
“It’s an acid that removes water from what it attaches to. You asked about what made those smooth edges on the hole. It’s the Prarie Dogs before you.” I dodge another spit glob as I continue to back away from their group and Smeed continues, “They remove any moisture with their attack then easily collapse the hole using the nails at the end of each of their paws to help smooth as they move. They’re truly efficient specimens.”
“Let’s skip the Nat Geo breakdown. How the hell do I kill them?” I say breathlessly trying to use the grass as protection.
“Devin, this isn’t a time for trying to attack. If it was two or even three, I would say give it a go, but with four or more out there, you can’t risk that kind of magical injury.” Smeed calls out with a bit of urging in his voice that gives me pause.
It only takes a few split moments before I resolve myself and say to him, “Fine, then how the hell do we get out of this situation?”
“I’d suggest running towards Esslem, staying in this grass is a death sentence. I am not sure what has gotten them excited like this, but moving towards better-patrolled areas will assure less of encountering the beast.” To emphasize his words another tiger-sloth face comes out at me and a large orange and gold striped paw barely misses my shoulder. The three large scoop-like claws neatly slice some grass near me making the parts fall to the ground.
“Of course you’d suggest the city” I finally give up and heed his words and start moving back the way I came trying to keep an eye out on the things chasing me. I suddenly hear an almost pained sound come from behind me. As I look behind I see one of the large things standing on its back legs as four other arms are lifted into the air shaking its clawed paws at me in almost fist-like shapes.
I barely see the golden glob flying at me before I lift Smeed just in time to block the majority of the projectile. A satisfying clang hits the air from the pan followed by a sizzle from my left. I see the smoke before I look down and see that my bicep was what was giving off that sizzle.
“Put me against the wound now Devin!” Smeed calls out and I comply without thinking.
Smeed begins to pour water down over my wound flashing the remains of the golden residue that was still clinging viscously to my arm. He begins to call out to me but I can’t help but watch as my skin begins to pale before seeming to get tighter. It begins to almost start to flake as the parts where the liquid had touched begin to morph and crack before my eyes. The water still pouring out of Smeed doesn’t seem to help the ruined remains of my arm.
“We need to go now Devin, to town,” Smeed calls to me tugging at my arm towards the road. I let him lead me without questioning how he was somehow finding the ability to control himself in this way. The wound keeps drawing my eyes to it as I am speechless over the damage that was caused by those stupid cartoonish things. I barely hear Smeed say, “Please grab some food to eat as well. We need to get your hp up.”
I perk up slightly at this. “Oh I forgot, I can just top my hit points off!” I continue walking while digging into my salamander bag pulling out some of the pork from this morning. I of course cleanse it in Smeed for a second before putting it into my mouth. I see my hitpoints go up but my arm stays the same.
Smeed answers, “Sorry Devin, it’s why I said we need to get to town. These wounds are magical and need a depth hand to truly remedy.”
“It figures Ish would ruin sloths for me,” I grumble as I continue to make my way in the general direction of the road. I keep an eye out for those furry bastards along the way.