“Are you really not going to help me? C’mon The sooner you do, the sooner we get out of this place.” I tried not to sound too desperate as I begged.

“Why should I? You’ve already figured this all out without my help. Unless you need an egg fried or burger grilled, gladly leave me out of this.” My kitchenware friend said from where it sat swinging from my wrist as I continued to walk poking at the shimmering edge of our current instance within the game.

“You said this was a tutorial. So end it. Do you really feel like doing nothing but frolic around these woods for a few hours?” I begin to swing my arms a little harder with each step, making his pan twist with each reversal of momentum. Walking along the shimmering wall I get an idea. “Did Ish ever tell you I was a pretty good percussionist?” To emphasize my point I bend over to the side of where I was walking to pick up a particularly thick piece of branch. “While the type of metal you’re made of may take a little elbow grease to really get a beat going,” I chuckle, “I really don’t mind putting in the work.” I smile with my hand poised.

“You wouldn’t dare,” Smeed said with uncertainty in his voice.

I strike him two times in a row with a few slaps on the sides to start a bit of a hip-hop beat. Taking a couple of seconds to think, I start building a terrible freestyle, “Stuck in the matrix, I was caught in a twist. Being locked in a maze got me mad pissed. Pixels all around, things in disarray. Here comes Smeed, cast iron hero to save the day.” I continue keeping the beat as I think up a quick hook.

“Quit it, Devin, I am not some object to go banging about on,” Smeed replied in another chiding version of my brother’s voice.

“Not when I’m just getting started. Wait ‘til you hear this next bit. These juices are about to flow, ‘Game world’s a canvas, Smeed’s the loaded brush. In this pixelated world,” I try to rev up my best Kanye before Smeed cuts in.

“Stop. That is enough. First, this is not a pixelated world. We are in a matrix built from a complicated mix of technologies and applications that come together for our Quantum Vector Graphics engine.

I try not to smile as I say, “I apologize for hurting your quantum feelings.”

Smeed ignores me and continues, “Now for my second point. Fine Devin, and yes I am I purposefully calling you that. Devin, you are absolutely as insufferable as your brother had eluded to. While I will continue to voice my thoughts on your actions, I will concede and end our time in the tutorial. I will stress to you that I do not know what your changes may have done to the system but if chaos was what your brother was looking for. We are about to see it fully released upon this world. So help us all.” While his words were as poignant as I had ever heard come out of my brother’s mouth, they were diluted a bit by them all coming out of a skillet.

I felt a slight tingle that made me shiver but then looked around. Waiting for something to happen, I give it a few seconds before saying, “You hit Play yet?”

“Yes, welcome to the game world. Excuse me if I don’t go through the normal pomp and circumstance afforded to the normal game experience,” Smeed trailed off grumpily.

“Oh, come on Smeed. Don’t have such a droopy handle buddy.” I grin down at him before taking in my surroundings. As I do so the silvery bubble finally pops as both the rest of the forest and the normal sounds you’d imagine fill my ears. I felt the wind pass against my skin and the sun hit parts of my skin and it somehow all felt more real than the real world and more alive than that tutorial space felt. I look down at myself hoping to see a change to my clothing but I’m met with the same bedraggled look as before. “Should I have like a weapon, maybe some starting armor?”

“Oh, you mean like things you’d get after a tutorial?” I heard from my smartass pan. He doesn’t wait for an answer before continuing, “As I said, your bypassing the normal flow of the game may cause some problems. I am in the dark as much as you are Devin. Normally I’d have limited console use but,” there seemed to almost be a strained sound coming from Smeed. “Yeah, doesn’t look like I have any controls whatsoever. Let me check what help features are available.”

Suddenly a list of information opened before me on a window that matched the one that had come up for Smeed earlier.:

_________________________

Character: Dev

Race: Human

Class: Classless Level 0

Might: 10

Agility: 10

Grit: 10

Magic: 10

Allure: 10

HP: 100

MP: 20

Wearing: Novice Rags

Wielding: Runic Pan

Inventory: Empty

Gold: 0 pcs

Skills: None

_________________________

I immediately begin to review the information there, “Oh, how original. I’m a flippin’ human. Couldn’t the system have just generated something interesting for me like a giant or half-orc thing? What the hell is a Runic Pan?” I look closer at Smeed and realize that there is a small light golden inlay now engraved into the pan’s surface. “You somehow get an upgrade and I don’t even get to choose my character’s setup.”

“Ah yes, if only we had programmed a tutorial for the player to go through,” my good ole pan decided to snap up at me. “It does look as though the system has found a way to compensate for my sentience and my sudden transformation into a…pan.” He purposefully takes almost two seconds before saying pan and I hold back a smile.

“I’m sorry Smeed. I probably shouldn’t have skipped the tutorial or done that quick bit of hacking. But to be honest, aren’t some of the problems we’re now seeing those same bugs and vulnerabilities my brother wanted me to find?” I smile down at the pan and then look back at my stats. With everything being maxed out, I would think that I would somehow feel different. Focusing on testing out Might I walk up to the nearest tree take aim for the trunk and pull back my arm. I feel a guttural shout come out of my mouth as I strike the tree with a crack that echoes in my ears. Pieces of wood fill the air and I’m forced to dodge both the splintered wood and the apples that begin to fall from the tree’s upper branches. “What the hell was that?” I look down at my slightly bloodied knuckles.

“I suggest you take more care of how you abuse your body. While you may have a great Grit stat, it doesn’t mean your body is completely impervious. Especially when you’re putting your full strength behind a strike like that. Thankfully that was maybe half of your current ability.” I look down at my hand to see the rips in the flesh that were caused by the wood. Walking around the tree I listen to Smeed continue speaking, “As I said earlier, your ploy to max out your character merely gave you a boost to the start of your journey. But that bump is still substantial when it comes to its general comparison to Earth’s physics and the general abilities of the human race.”

I walk around the tree to see a fist shape pushed out from opposite where I had punched the trunk. I glad my fingers over it as, “Holy shit escapes my lips,” before I realize it. With thoughts of kung fu fight scenes in my head, I continue, “What’s the ratio then, am I like 10x as strong as a human right now?”

“There is not an exact algorithm as our balance was more meant to replicate humans compared to the other races and creatures of the world. I will say that you would be considered quite the specimen at your current state regardless of race or class due to your jack of all trades spread to your stats currently.” After a few seconds, Smeed sighs from my hip. “Are there any questions I can answer about your stats overall? I have evaluated the situation and while I will continue to question your choice to do this, I am choosing to move forward with working together amicably.“

Glad to hear a lighter tone in his voice I ask, “Sure, what do the stats specifically do?” I pick a random direction and begin to walk taking Smeed’s handle into my hand to give him a steadier ride as we talk. It takes a few steps in a row before I realize the extra speed than normal I was feeling in my general walking gait. As someone who absolutely hates walking or walking, this felt different. It was almost like engaging an ability I had never had before.

I am compelled to take a quick leap as I hear Smeed call out from my side, “ The M.A.G.M.A. system breaks up your natural ability into Might which refers to your raw strength. Agility is associated with athletic or acrobatic ability. Then comes Grit which reflects your natural ability to hold up to damage whether it be bodily, mental, or sickness. Next, we have Magic which refers to your ability to perceive, understand, and perform magical feats. Lastly, there is Allure which shows your ability to navigate social interactions with natural charisma.”

I stopped realizing that I had already tested two of my abilities. Well, three if you count the fact that I just put my fist through a tree and my hand isn’t broken. Might as well test out some magic next. I hold up the pan and point it at a nearby fist-sized rock. “Wingardium Leviosa, Liviosah, damn, which was the right way?”

“If you are attempting to test your Magic ability. I have unfortunate news. First, you are not a Hogwarts student and without a class, you cannot do magic. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, a class would have been assigned at tutorial which would have then assigned corresponding spells. Currently, you are ‘Classless’ as you had wished. That means rather than have a class like Cleric with Heal 1 or a Mage with Levitate 1, you are exactly how you began the game. No weapons, no spells, some clothes.” He laughs at this before continuing, “but alas, I say playing the game may have the system finding a way to adapt to the choices you have made.” He seems to be beaming now as he says that last bit. I can’t help but think of Ish as I hear his voice come from Smeed’s form.

“What about Allure, how can I test that out?” I try not to picture attempting pickup lines on Smeed.

“Conversations, usually ones where some kind of bartering or negotiation is needed. You would unfortunately need a class like Mercenary with a skill like Intimidate I to directly take advantage of the Allure skill.” Smeed says helpfully.

“Ok, well how do I start my quest? Will some random squire with a letter run up with me with a summons to the nearest castle?” The screen showing my stats suddenly changes to a Quest list, with nothing listed there. “Oh, is this voice-activated? Skills, SKILLS. What the hell, how do I see my skills?” My shouts seem to have a delayed reaction with the menu.

“May I help here, it isn’t voice-activated. Merely think about the Menu and it will pop up to your vision. The same will go with the Action Log.” The floating window is updated to now show a screen saying:

_________________________

You attack Crabble Tree for 14 points of Physical damage.

Crabble Tree natural bark protects for 2 points of damage.

Crabble Tree is hit with 12 points of Physical damage.

_________________________

I look down at my fists and grin. “A couple more hits and I could have totally taken down that tree down a few branches.” I clench my fists looking at the nearest tree.

Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on the original website.

Smeed decides to rain on my parade, “Well, yes you may have done so but with at least 20 more hits of that strength. I am also sure your fist would need to be healed as while your recovery is heightened in its current state you could not outpace the toll you would endure.”

“Anyways,” and roll my eyes hard enough to my them sire and continue, “Anything else you think I should know about the controls of this?”

“You’re you Dev, no controller needed.” I could see that he consciously held back the rest of my name. “You use your fist to punch and use your legs to jump. Otherwise, your starter abilities would have been granted to you with subsequent ones earned through the path associated with the class that you would have chosen. In this case…”

I decide to cut him off, “Yes yes yes.” I switch to mock Smeed’s robotic version of my brother’s voice, “Tutorial, tutorial, tutorial!”

“I cannot help what is true Dev. At this point, I really do not know how your path will deviate from those that I have observed in the past. I have played through literally millions of iterations of this game’s format played against an army of personas geared to test the limits of our class and questing system. You are now outside of those parameters and we will have to see how the M.A.G.M.A. system reacts. May I ask you a question before we continue?”

I feel my body tense as I listen intently, “Sure, go ahead.”

“Why the hack, why me, did I do something?” It feels weird hearing the vulnerability in such a keen version of my brother’s voice. That’s not Ish, never that honest and unsure.

I almost spin the stick I still held in my hand unconsciously as soak in his words before replying, “I’m sorry. I thought the random thing would be a funny trick I could try that wouldn’t hurt the demo. I apologize if it seemed like I was taking advantage of you. I really just wanted to bypass any of the handcuffs that Ish no doubt had hidden within the tutorial’s code.”

“I assure you Dev, this is no Demo. This is our full world for you to explore. You are also exploring it in a wholly new way. I am not some piece of this world. I am a being that can move between this world and ours and anything between. I respect what your intentions were, but I appreciate not being treated like an object even while in this illogical form. Truth be told I am glad to be along in this journey.” I unconsciously grip Smeed’s handle harder with a smile.

“Hey, with the weight you have, I think you’d make a good starter weapon, if you’re up for the task?” I spin Smeed enjoying the satisfying balance.

“Will I have to get used to this constant spinning?” I give him an answer with another spin and a sudden flip to make the pan turn in the air but I end up having to use two hands to catch it properly after I miss the cool catch I originally attempted. My agility somehow has my hands gripping the pan an inch above the ground. I marvel at my speed as he continues, “I am not sure how you would plan to use my form as a weapon. I feel quite unwieldy.”

I grip the pan and swing it again. “I think I might be able to get used to it. Sorta like a fat hammer.” I have a sudden idea and look back at the tree I had hit. “What do you think about flying through the air like that balloon?” Before he has a chance to answer I toss him at the tree.

“Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttt?!” trails Smeed’s path through the air before a solid THUD is heard filling the air. “That surprisingly didn’t feel that bad. But will you please come get me, I seem to have landed in a particularly wet piece of grass.”

I walk over towards where Smeed lay but my eyes are drawn to the tree I had hit with the pan. A large gash was taken out of the side of the tree where Smeed had grazed its corner. I glide my fingers over the reddish rings of wood that were now exposed by my attack. As I pull my fingers back they are covered by a light reddish sap that clung to my fingers. I easily see where Smeed is laying in the grass a few feet away and walk over to him absentmindedly as I continue to look at the sticky webbing that spreads between my fingers as I try to separate them. I bend down to grab Smeed but hear a few clicks off to the side of me before feeling and hearing another click come from right below me.

Standing there was a bright orange and red apple-shaped creature that held its orange pinchers reaching in my direction and threatening to catch my finger. I look around and begin to see that the dozens of apples that had fallen earlier were beginning to create a sea of movement that reminded me of the nature shows I’ve watched about crab migration habits. The creatures began to scuttle and then roll towards me making a mix of a squelching and clacking sound as their apple insides met with their curstaceous-looking exteriors. I pull my hand from the thing in front of me and look for Smeed.

“What the hell are those Smeed?” I look over to where Smeed lay and see his form lying on two completely destroyed versions of apple things looking to surround me.

“They’re Crab Apples and you have disturbed them. Grab me and let’s get out of here!” He calls out as one of the crabs begins to snip at the string on his handle.

“Ok, that is a dumb pun,” I smash one of the things under my bare foot and it makes a sickening sound as it oozes between my stomping toes. “Ugh, that somehow feels like tuna mixed with apple sauce. You guys are sick.” I ignore the multiple snips I feel hitting my heels as I try to reach over the three or so crab apples now surrounding where Smeed is lying. It takes a couple of attempts after feeling the wrath of a particularly hard snip from one of the larger crab apples defending me from my weapon.

“I thought it was a fun play on words. As for its texture, that’s completely your brother’s doing but I do agree with your negative feelings on these vile creatures. Please get me already and shake some of this off. I believe I have an idea forming.” I began taking off some of the larger pieces of the crab apple that were stuck to the underside of Smeed. Smeed continues, “I thank you. Now use your agility some and get some distance from this group.”

I find myself immediately listening with a quick look at my surroundings and make my way between the crab apples surrounding us to a patch of open space on a large protruding rock. “Ok, what now Pan Man?”

“Oh, now who is looking to use puns? Now, focus on the enemies. I want you to throw me like you did with the tree. Go for aim, I believe my weight shall do the rest. Once this happens I want you to focus on the need for help or maybe just system help. Try whichever works, but remember do it AFTER I hit.”

I look down about to question Smeed but instead put my thread in his strategy. I focus on the closest crab apple and miss yet somehow hit another scuttling towards the back. I raise both my arms and yell out, “Oh hell yeah!”

“Great job, now do the next part.” I comply with Smeed’s request and he’s back in my hand. Smeed says excitedly, “Perfect! It worked exactly how I thought.”

“Are you saying that I can recall you back?” I unconsciously spin the pan in my hand as I look down at Smeed. “Oh, it’s on.” I began throwing Smeed at the things surrounding me and pulling him back before striking again.

After the first few meet their cast iron demise, I hear Smeed call out after being called to my hand again, “As undesirable it is to destroy the crab apples, it is also satisfying at the same time.” I grin down at Smeed and give him a quick spin in my palm before tossing him out again to smash two of the things huddled together. As I pull him back he says, “I also rather like that spinning motion now. I believe it would equate to what you would call a tingle perhaps? It was a lot like floating as a balloon. Please, don't let me hold us up.”

I smile down at Smeed, “OK, how about you leave out the tingle part? I’m having fun too. I’m starting to feel a bit like Thor.” Looking down at the string on the handle I decide to take a page from the Norse god’s book. I begin swinging the pan by the rope and while the weight and size make this move difficult I get a good speed going and whip Smeed at a few of the crab apples. I can’t help but let out a Ric Flair type, “Woo!” escape my lips before recalling Smeed.

“I will say that your accuracy may have increased with that move. It could give you some distance as well.” He is barely able to get it out before I’m swinging him again.

I begin to hit a flow of tossing and pulling back but just as I build a realize I soon realize the crabs are all gone. Giving a triumphant toss of the frying pan I look at the aftermath of all the smashed things around me and my stomach gives a loud and substantial growl. I begin rubbing it before asking Smeed, “Did you guys build in hunger mechanics? How sadistic are you? I just ate, why am I hungry surrounding this stuff?” I kick at one of the dead fruit things.

“Yes, you will have hunger. Your body in the outside world has little to do with the one you’re embodying currently. You will need to sustain this digital one just like the one out there, one will not sustain the other.” I begin patting at my still-growling belly. “Might I also suggest that those crab apples are edible, I believe I heard a water source near here that could be used to wash them off.”

“Wait, you’re suggesting I eat those creepy things?” I look down at the weird mix-match forms of the creatures now littering the forest floor. “Ugh, why!”

“Well, there are also berries, or maybe some fish. But I assure you that these are eaten by many in the land. You don’t even have to cook them either.”

“Oh hell no, I am not making sushi out of a completely foreign thing like this.” I look down at the crab apples and realize that some of them have the outer shells still intact. “Well maybe some of them are salvageable.” My stomach decides to give another deep growl and it is followed by a cramp that has me mechanically grabbing the nearest few crab apples that were in the best shape and putting them into Smeed’s wide base. “Well, I’ll at least try to clean some of these off.”

Standing up and listening for the water that Smeed had spoken about. I begin to make my way towards it picking my way through the underbrush carefully. I feel a chill down my spine with the realization that these crab things came from above. “Uhm, should I worry about another crabapple attack? Maybe there’s some kind of citrus snake I need to watch out for? King Cobrange perhaps?”

“Have you been trying to think up a better name for the enemies?” I hear Smeed call up to me, once again filling his voice with unspoken criticism. “That one may have needed a little more brainstorming.”

“Oh come on, I’m really hungry and my mind is barely working.” I do feel my hunger a little more strongly than I’m used to and quicken my step. “Is the world filled with animals that are puns like that?”

“Not necessarily. Did we have fun? Sure. But there are plenty of animals and creatures that are like the harpy you saw earlier. Many are just our interpretation of what humans have already dreamt up through media and passed down through folklore. I will say that I had suggested my own apple variant for this area.” Smeed pauses for emphasis, or maybe to increase my interest in his answer. I don’t bite and keep making my way to the water. “Fine, i’ll tell you. I wanted to make a Granny Scythe Apple mob for this area.” He pauses. “Get it, like a Granny Smith?”

“Oh, I get it, not sure how the heck it’ll look but I definitely get the pun.” I begin to picture maybe a mantis-looking thing coming out of an apple with maybe blades for arms.

“It would have been far more menacing than those crab apples we fought, but alas your brother felt they were far too hard of an enemy for this span area for novice players.”

I finally get to the water and begin the process of washing out some of the crabs, apologizing to Smeed as I do so. Once finished I drain the pan of the excess liquid and stand up from the waterside. “Ok, do you know of any herbs around here or plants that would taste good with this? Without salt and pepper, this may be rough.” My stomach growls and I quickly say, “Well maybe that’ll be fine just by itself.”

Smeed seems to take a moment to think as I set about gathering some wood for a fire. “This area unfortunately does not have too many plants that would help you, there are some berries that are edible that I can guide you to.”

Making a pile of the sticks and dried brush that I had gathered I let Smeed guide me to a few herbal plants he knew were in the area. Sniffing a few of them I was able to pull out ones that reminded me of oregano and a small onion-looking bulbous plant that took a large bit of struggling to release from its grip on the forest soil.

As I asked about possible ways to light the fire, Smeed suggested I place him on the sticks for him to try something. Shrugging my shoulders I took him over and set him on the stack of dried wood. Suddenly there was a spark that came from under Smeed’s form. Then a few in a row with nothing happening. “It seems as if my magical abilities are vastly diminished in this form. I will continue with my attempts but I am not sure of my success.” I knelt beside the fire and Smeed sparked a few times as I began to blow on wood as he did so.

After a few attempts we were successful and I gave a grin. “Woo, teamwork makes the dream work.” I immediately cringe internally as I unconsciously spew one of Michel’s favorite sayings. I poke at the fire, trying to spread the small beginning to a fire that was beginning to grow. “So, maybe your skills will grow with time. Like leveling up?”

“While that is a possibility, I have never seen myself level. I don’t even have character stats assigned to me.” He trails off for the end part of his sentence as my character screen opens but switches to a new tab showing:

_________________________

Character: Smeed

Race: Sentient Construct

Class: Runic Weapon Level 1

Might: 5

Agility: 1

Grit: 100

Magic: 2

Allure: 20

HP: 1000

MP: 4

Damage : 4-7 phys, 3-6 rng

Armor: Iron Clad +100

Skills: Spark 0

Regen 0

_________________________

I can’t help but cut into the silence as I can almost feel Smeed virtually staring at his stat page. “Dude, looks like you were wrong huh? Some damn good stats there man. “ He doesn’t reply so I try to feel in the air. “Who woulda know you would be so alluring? Gotta love a man in green I guess.” The quiet stretches between us. “I guess I’ll just stick with my fugly ole human character while you’re sporting some advanced artifact build.”

“I don’t understand this. Why would I be given a stat sheet? Somehow I’m a magical weapon that also levels.” I would not have thought AI would have been able to stammer like Smeed was currently pulling off. He continues, “It looks as if I only have a lower flame spell at my disposal. Since it is only at level 0, it can be used at will with no magic. The same can be said for the slow healing spell I seem to be enchanted with. I should regenerate any lost hit points with a slow rate that does not drain my mana point supply.” Another large growl from my stomach fills the air between us and Smeed continues, “I am so sorry Dev, please let us start cooking. It looks like the fire is going well. I am excited to explore this further. This feels different than running a scenario on one of the player simulations..” I let him geek out like a D&D player.

“Me too buddy, who knows, maybe you’ll level up into a Wok class or something.” I try to smother his reply and let him enjoy my pun as I let the fire heat up the pan.

“I will ignore that comment. It looks as though I am able to see my own character information and action log without it being shown to you. With me being on the fire, my Armor Clad ability completely negates the fire damage caused by the burning wood.” Smeed somehow finds a way to get his voice to echo out from the semi-roaring fire.

“It’s like you’re treating this as a boss fight with the fire pit.” I pry open the shells of two of the crab apples and grab the meat of one using the stick I had sharpened. “I hope you’re ready.”

Without a reply from him, I lean over the pan and ready myself to cook. Time to redeem myself from the char-grilled travesty of my apartment.