Though she had closed the shutters and the curtains, the moonlight still sent a thin line across her bed. Soon, soon, the moon would begin its decent and another day would begin. It could not come soon enough. Being completely still had not worked, counting sheep had not worked. Praying had only made her more anxious. The restlessness inside of her would not be still. Petran’s words ran through her mind and heart. Loren was with the Sonpur. What did that mean, really mean for her and especially for Zel? Would they ever really be safe? Would Rufus be with them until the day he died?

In an effort to shut off her stream of thought, she turned away from the window and faced the wall. An pillow was beside her. The pillow once cradled Pyre head in sleep. If she had married him, would they have had a child of their flesh and blood by now? Pyre’s blood would have had a steadying effect upon the turbulent Geworden blood. His presence, his love would have given a child the male stability Fand had never known. Longing for Pyre like she had never felt before overwhelmed her.

Zel sighed in her sleep. If she had accepted Pyre, Zel would not be with her now. If she had accepted Pyre, Zog would not be dead, Renate would not be dead. Tears stung her eyes. She must not do this to herself. Not now, not again. If only thoughts were just as destructive as what if thoughts. The choices she had made could not be revoked. She was not the only one who had chosen. Zog, Pyre and Renate had also made choices. It was arrogant of her to think she had so much control over the forces of life. Consequences must be born and would continue to be born.

Again, Zel sighed in her sleep. Fand turned back to the babe in the crib beside the bed. Despite all her regrets, Fand’s heart could not imagine a world without Zel. Hard sobs rocked out of her. She could barely breath as she shoved her face into the pillow in an effort to hide the sound of her weeping. There was a tap at the door. Beyond it Rufus asked, “Are you all right Miss?”

“Yes, just having a bit of a cry.”

“Do you need anything Miss?”

“No.”

“Let me know if you do. I’m right here.”

“I know. Thank you.” Fand to in slow breaths. Dear Rufus. He was her angel. He protected her and Zel. She was thankful for him. She forced herself to breathe slow and count blessing instead of problems. It was a tough exercise but she stuck with it until shallow sleep immersed her.

Later she was awakened by a familiar scent. There was a man in the room. He smelled of mountain pine. It was Loren. He stood beside the crib looking down at Zel. Without breaking his gaze, he placed his finger on his lips. In her mind he said, Only think, don’t speak. We don’t want to wake the ever vigilant Rufus.

What are you doing here?

His face was so gentle as he studied his little sister. He touched a curl of her dark hair. In his mind he said, I have come to say goodbye to you and my sister. Chances are we will not meet again in this world. The wall will be completely repaired today. The magic of it will be restored and getting in and out will be near impossible.

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Never see him again? He had filled a bit of the void Zog had left inside of her. She would miss him so much. Still, the risk of his presence was too great for all of them. She told him, You shouldn’t be here. Its too dangerous.

His eyes left his sleeping sister’s face. Yes, I know. But I never got to say goodbye to my mother and I will be damned if I don’t get to say goodbye to my sister. Silent tears slid down his cheeks. It dropped onto the bed. He whispered, “She is beautiful. Oh that I could have watched her grow to become a woman.”

Beyond the door Rufus burped. Fand got up from the bed and went to Loren. She took him into her arms. In his ear she whispered, “We do not know what the future holds, perhaps our paths will cross again.”

He nodded against her shoulder and released her. His gaze went back to the baby. In Fand’s mind he said, With you for a mother I am sure she will do well.

Fand smiled at his confidence. She was not so sure. Zel was already exhibiting a stony stubbornness. Gently Loren kissed his sister on the forehead. Fand sensed that he was about to disappear. Silently she asked, Please, tell me is Resen safe?

For now.

Elise and Tug? Petran said they are missing.

We have them.

What of Audra?

For a moment Loren hesitated then he told her, She is well.

What happened to her?

There was a problem. She was detained. Fand, I must be going. He shoved a packet into her hands, blew her a kiss and without so much as a flame or a hiss of steam he vanished. He was gone. It was as if he had never been there. Had Loren been real or just some trick of her imagination?

The first light of dawn sliced though the shutters. Fand unwrapped the package. It contained the two books Renate had made. A chill ran through her. One of the books was the book of Sonpur. Her hands felt the power of the book. Her head knew the danger of it. Out of kindness she had told Loren their paths might cross again. It was not something she believed. It occurred to her that Loren had not denied their paths would cross again. He had not even acknowledged her words. Going forward his life would be dedicated to the Sonpur. Was Zel destined to one day join him? Everything inside Fand screamed NO! It must not be. If there had been a fire in the grate she would have burned the book that instant. Zel would NEVER see this book. Fand gripped the covers of it determined to rip it to shreds, but it refused to be ripped asunder. Of its own accord, the book fell open in her hands. On the page was the face of small Sonpur child, a child that looked like Fels. Another shiver ran through her. The future was lurking, lurking ever so close at this moment. She could feel it. But this future was not her own, it was her child’s. What had Zel been made for? She had survived so much in her very short life, what more lay ahead?

Deep inside, despite her fear, Fand knew her vocation as Zel’s mother must not be driven by fear. Fear was a dangerous taskmaster, especially in a mother. Some how, she must pray for and use discernment. She closed the book. Where to put it?

A while back Uncle Wert had brought her, her keep sake box. She found it beneath her bed and opened it. Renate’s letter to Zel was on top. Fand’s finger’s itched to open the letter and read what the it contained. Temptation strong and powerful took hold of her mind. She put the book down and picked up the letter. IT was not HER letter. It was Zel’s. Renate had left specific instructions about this letter for some purpose and Fand must honor that purpose. She put the letter down and placed the book on top of it. She would not try to hide it. If it were found it needed to be obvious. It needed to look like a keepsake and not a key to some future that had yet to transpire. Fand closed the box, shoved it under the bed and knelt to pray. Her mind swirled from past to future. She felt like she was drowning in a sea of uncontrollable odds.

From her pallet, Sassafras rose. She clip clopped over to Fand and rested her head against her shoulder. “What do you want you silly goat? Ready to go outside?”

The goat shook her head. She gazed up at Fand. Her great liquid eyes caught the morning light. In that instant Fand knew Sassafras was not just with them to feed Zel. She was Zel’s Guardian. She had been all along. Fand cupped Sassafras’ face and kissed her forehead. “You are a good goat.”

Sassafras winked.