“You the landlord,” I ask a Dark Elf waiting at the front door.

“You the killers? That one looks too small to be a killer,” he retorts.

“We’re not killers, but this doesn’t look like a luxury apartment building either. I guess we were both lied to,” I match him as we stare each other down.

“So, let’s check out this apartment,” Kaiden breaks the silence.

The Elf leads us into the building. The building is in better shape than my current apartment for sure. But, I can tell it needs a lot of work. Drinking fountains that still drip, with a marble coffee table. They’re trying to make this place look worth more than it is. It’s almost as if this place used to be a complete piece of crap and now he’s trying to change it but ran out of money. Suddenly my expectations for this apartment are a lot lower and the longer it takes the elevator to get to the top floor, the lower my expectations become.

“So, here’s the deal. You get the discounted rent as long as you solve a couple problems. I’m trying to run a legitimate business here and I can’t do that with all this trash making my building look like a dump. I’ve got enough fighting these accusations that I’m a slum lord,” the Elf starts.

“We can handle anything,” Kaiden assures him.

“What are the problems,” I’m more interested in specifics.

“We got some drugs in the building, mostly fairy dust. The dealers are in apartment 6B, you’ll need to evict them. I tried to do it the legal way, but surprisingly, drug dealers don’t care about laws. That’s your first job, get them out. There’re some gangs in the area, you just need to keep them away from the building. If they get in, make sure they want to get out ASAP. If you can’t get that done. You have to go. Come see me when it’s done and I’ll give you the keys.”

“Easy,” Kaiden answers excitedly.

We get to the top floor and there’s only three doors on the floor. He opens the first door and quickly takes the elevator down. Not sticking around means we’re not getting what we were sold on. Opening the door, and it isn’t anywhere as bad as I expected, but the place is a mess. There’re scuff marks all across the real floor, a few holes in the wall and the paint is worn down. Seems like a Wendigo hunter really did live here and get murdered here. There are way too many marks to just be from moving furniture. The kitchen looks untouched, but still has food inside that needs to go before it stinks up the place anymore. Multiple bedrooms wasn’t a lie and there really are three nice sized rooms. One bathroom that really needs to be cleaned.

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“This place is amazing,” Kaiden says.

“It isn’t so bad,” I try not to kill his joy.

“All the rooms have windows with nice views. Can I have the one with the view of the city,” he asks eagerly.

“Sure, I like the one looking over the park.”

“Great, we even have one to spare.”

“I’m not looking for more roommates. Did you see an armory while you were running around?”

“No, but I bet a hidden switch is somewhere in here, or one of those books on the shelf is fake.”

Kaiden brings up a good point. I help him search, he eagerly starts pulling books from the shelf examining them and place them neatly in stacks on the floor hoping for a fake one. It’s a good place to start, if there’s a fake wall in here, it would be behind the giant book cases surrounding the large television mounted on the wall. I start reaching under the remaining furniture searching for any buttons. When that fails, I trace the walls looking for a button.

“I got it,” Kaiden yells out. “It was this Phantasmagorical book,” he pulls it down.

Slowly the bookcase moves back and reveals a room full of weapons. Kaiden is excited and in shock with all the items. I laugh and take a look at the walls inside. Everything is locked up safely, I’ll need keys to get these things free. I was hoping I could restock on weapons, but the more I look, the more I realize a lot of this is useless junk. No wonder the previous owner got killed.

The armory is full of items. A few guns that look like they’re from the 1800s. Round silver balls that are probably the bullets for them. Silver bullets were supposed to kill vampires and werewolves back in the day. It helps, but it isn’t going to do more than actually getting your gun engraved with runes that feed on your magic. Mainly because regular bullets hurt just as much as silver ones. A ton of hypodermic needles and “Dr. John Roger’s Vampire Prevention Serum,” whatever that is. They used to sell cures for vampirism like it was the flu and apparently this so-called hunter was sticking to it. Brimstone, I guess it can used as a distraction if needed. Gallons of Holy Water. Turns out, that does absolutely nothing. Sure, there’s real Holy Water, but 99% of the stuff out here is just regular water sold by grifters. There’s a ton of mirrors, disregarding the fact that some vampires can see their reflections. Magnifying glasses, which I can’t even figure out a use for. More garlic than anyone would ever need. Real Holy Water has uses, but garlic has none. Yet here it is. Cloves, powdered, bleached, fresh plants and for nothing. Flashlights, okay useful. I guess some creatures do hide out in dark places. Did this guy needed 28 different crucifixes? I counted, who needs that many? The real kicker, there’s boxes of stakes and rubber mallets. Wooden stakes, in this day and age? Who? Who does this? Completely useless, was she hunting vampires or doing exorcisms? I thought she was supposed to be a Wendigo hunter.

“Are you okay? I’ve never seen you laugh. Maybe once or twice, but never this hard,” Kaiden joins me on the couch showing genuine concern.

“You really want to hunt vampires Kaiden?”

“Yeah, and now we’ve got all this gear.”

“First lesson right now. You ready?”

“I’m ready. What’s the first lesson?”

“All this shit is useless, and if you try to kill a vampire with garlic, you deserve to die,” I start to laugh again when I see the confusion on his face.