I realized I was sittin’ in front of a desk, in a very normal, plain ol’ office. Now, I’d like it known that I only just realized this. That would be notable, ‘cause I have no idea how in the sam hell I got there. Not that that made a single lick o’ sense, but I swear on my grandmother's grave‒may god rest her soul‒that this is true. Though, what happened next gave a bit more context to my surprisin’ surroundin’s . If amnesia is surprisin’ for someone who has recently done some heavy drinkin’. After all, my last memory was being drunk as a skunk on a pontoon on the Mississippi.

“Hello!” A chipper voice that was a tad too happy and loud spoke from across the desk. I flinched on instinct, expectin’ piercin’ pain, considerin’ my last memory was bein’ drunker than all get out. To my surprise, I had no hangover at all. Right as rain and fit as a fiddle, that was me. And that wasn’t right either. No one can get that drunk and just walk it off in the mornin’. But the chipper young lady’s next words cleared up some of my confusion, while addin’ a heapin’ helpin’ on top at the same time.

“Congratulations! Frederick Doublest Ricardo Amolvo Gardonis Omelette Natiri Chambers the sixteenth, you’re dead!” Across from myself and sittin’ behind the very normal desk was a very not normal woman. And I mean that as no insult and not an ounce of rudeness, but this young lady, dressed in an office-appropriate pantsuit, had red skin and horns. As I said, not what one would consider normal. At least, not where I grew up. Great Uncle Erny had that weird-lookin’ foot, but that was a lawnmower accident. I feel horns are a while other level of not normal.

But never let it be said that I am quick to judge. After sittin’ for a spell and adaptin’ to my unexpected wake up, I spoke as calmly as I felt I could, considerin’. “Scuse me, miss. Did you just say that I was dead? Forgive me, but I find that a mite bit hard to believe, seein’ as’ you and I seem to be havin’ a conversation. Corpses ain’t normally the talkative sort. I should know, I’ve seen a few.”

The young lady covered her mouth, letting out a charmin’ giggle. “Oh, I know. But you see, you’re currently in the afterlife, or on your way there. I’m Natalie, and I’ll be helping you through this process.”

“To be honest, miss, I was expectin’ more pearly gates and Saint Peter than an office with a lovely young lady such as yourself.” I admitted. “I’m feelin’ a little lost.”

She nodded understandingly. I could see compassion in her eyes. And more than a little helplessness. “Of course. Most everyone is very confused upon their arrival. Don’t worry, there are procedures for this. Firstly, I’ll inform you that you are in the process of being judged. The final stages, in fact. You’ve been brought here for me to read out your sentencing.”

“So you’re going to tell me if I’m going to Heaven or Hell?” I asked, Makin’ sure I was followin’ properly. Normally, I might have been more disbelievin’. But the near magical location change and the woman’s unusual appearance was convincin’. Besides, what was the harm in playin’ along with the situation? If she was pullin’ my leg and this was all a weird prank, I’d get a laugh out of it. And if it was real, there was no fightin’ the anyhow. More importantly, it never did anyone any good to be rude. I’d believe her until she proved untrustworthy. Plus, my gut said she wasn’t lyin’.

“That’s correct!” She clapped her hands. “I must say, you’ve caught on quicker than most. And you’re rather calm about all this. Most people insist that this is not how the afterlife works and get angry at me.”

“Nothin’ doin’.” I drawled, Leanin’ back in my chair. “Dyin’ is normal. Since I’ve never done it before, I don’t rightly know what's waitin’ for me. You seem like a nice lady, I’d hate to doubt you based on my own preconceptions.”

“That’s very kind.” She smiled, showin’ a mouthful of pearly white serrated teeth. “Now, if you don’t mind, we’ll finalize the judging process.”

A set of papers appeared on her desk. No noise, no lights, none of that magic nonsense. They just showed up. “Firstly, Cause of death.”

She scanned the page. “Let’s see… Ah! It seems you were visiting your hometown and family. Is that correct?”

“Last that I remembered.” I nodded. It’d been a long while. Honestly, I wasn’t too keen about it in the first place.

“Yes, United States of America, Arkansas. It seems you and several of your siblings, cousins, and other members of your extended family went pontooning on the Mississippi river while heavily intoxicated. Not a wise decision.” She clicked her tongue. “ You were struck by a massive 25 pound asian carp. It knocked you off balance, causing you to fall over and slam your head into the side of the boat. Unconscious, you drowned shortly after. None of your family noticed the event for over an hour. Far too late to save you.”

I was stunned. After everythin’ I’d been through in my 29 years, I was killed by too much beer and a big fish. What a way to go. “Well, that’s a shame. I’d have liked a bit less…embarrassin’ death. Hit by a fish. Heck, that’s a terrible way to go.”

“You’re the first person on record to die from being struck by an asian carp!” Natalie cheerfully informed me. “Several people have been injured, but no deaths have been recorded. Though you did technically die from drowning, not the actual blow. That’s the official cause of death. Drowning.”

“Well, I suppose it’s better than ‘died by a fish slap’” I shook my head. “What’s next?”

“Ah, first I’ll be reading a catalog of all your sins. This part usually takes a while, so bear with me.” She shifted through the stack of papers. I couldn’t help but notice that it was mighty thick. This did not bode well, but wasn’t unexpected. I was very aware of my sins.

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“Alright, three years old, pulled your sister’s hair on purpose for the first time. And second through eighth time. Oh boy.” She giggled before continuing on.

…

“Nine, poaching, 27 counts. Illegal use of fireworks, 19 counts. Mishandling explosives, 30 counts.”

…

“Fourteen, driving without a license, 103 counts. Half of those your father didn’t even know about. My my.”

…

“Eighteen, extramarital sex, 22 counts. You really got around. Especially considering how small your town was. Oh, adultery, 3 counts. Or is it inciting adultery? Either way, 3 counts.”

…

“Twenty two, destruction of public property, 2 counts. Public intoxication, 5 counts. Wow, that’s less than a third of two years previous. You really started to clean up your act. I think traveling helped a lot, wouldn’t you agree?”

On and on she went, through all the years of my life. By the end of it, I was thoroughly convinced that I was dead. After all, half the things she said no one else knew about. Unless this was the afterlife, there’s no way she could have a record of the time when I was six and accidentally broke the neighbor's swing. Everyone assumed it was the tornado that came through the night before.

By the end of it all, I was feelin’ like the lowest of the low. A steamin’ cow pat of a human bein’. Havin’ all your sins laid out is a humblin’ experience.

“Now, for the judgment.” Tappin’ her papers against the table, she smiled kindly. “Despite all your mistakes, you were a baptized and devout Christian for your entire life. God forgives you, and accepts you into Heaven with open arms.”

I let out an explosive sigh, releasin’ the breath I’d been holdin’. What a relief! I was no choir boy, but I’d always tried to follow the good book and repent when I failed. I couldn't be more happy that my sincerity was acknowledged. Thank the Lord Almighty, it was over.

“Now, on to the judgment of the other pantheons!” Natalie cheered.

Yeah, it wasn’t that simple.

“Excuse me?”

“Oh, all the other gods that have a presence in your universe have a claim to your soul, they get to take part in judging your final destination in accordance with the Grand Soul Contract. Each pantheon receives one vote, and all are equally weighted.” She said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “I suppose we’ll start with the Romans. For your lack of proper worship, Jupiter consigns you to Hell.”

I sat stunned as she went through a dozen other religions, some I hadn’t even heard of. Every single one sent me to Hell. Either for not believin’ in them, or believin’ in the Christian God. I never expected every religion to be real.

“Final judgment, Hell! This completes the judging process.” The papers in her hand disappeared.

“I don’t understand. Quite a few of the pantheons condemned me for believin’ in other gods! How does anyone get to Heaven if all the other pantheons vote them down?” I asked.

“Oh, That’s simple.” She smiled, the same helplessness from before creepin’ in. “They don’t. Where you are from, everybody goes to Hell. Have a nice trip!”

After shootin’ out that blatantly unfair statement while seemingly knowin’ how messed up it was, the office disappeared just like the papers holdin’ my fate. Suddenly, I was somewhere else entirely, thousands of feet in the air and rapidly fallin’ onto a mountainous plane that stretched out in every direction as far as I could see. I only had enough time to notice that every mountain was different from the others before a weight settled on my shoulders.

Looking to the side, I came face to face with a white snake that was wrapped around my neck, clingin’ to me so as not to be ripped off in the roaring wind. I was seven colors of surprised when its mouth opened and words hissed out in a surprisingly female tone. “Oh wow, you managed to pissss off sssomeone. What a horrible sstart. Well, At leasst I have the form to handle it.”

Before I could process that statement, the snake reared back and bit me on the neck. It felt like the worst pinch of my life, but quite a bit less painful than every other snake bite I’d ever had. Then I felt the pumpin’ of all the venom flowin’ right into me.

I was more than a little embarressed at the whole thing. By all rights, I should have been quick enough to stop the bite twice over. But a string of surprises, from learnin’ about my foregone damnation to appearin’ tens of thousands of feet in the air, to a snake magically talkin’ to me, had left me pretty darn well stunned. Still, my great uncle Tom, my martial arts instructor, would have been ashamed. He always told me surprise was a tool you handed to your enemy, not one they brought to a fight.

Considerin’ everythin’, I was feelin’ pretty sure I’d be dyin’ again right quick. However, before I could think about the implications of dyin’ in Hell, lights and shadows started flashin’ across my vision in a way that reminded me of old TV static. That must be the poison kickin’ in.

The snake wasn’t done talkin’. “I know you don’t know me, but we don’t have much time. I need you to trussst me. Think about moving your ‘Red Sparksss’ to your ‘revival account’. Quick! We have three secondsss to impact”

Funnily enough, the snake sounded genuinely concerned about me. And despite the bite, I wasn’t feelin’ any worse except for the weird visions. But more than anythin’, I was about to plow into the ground at terminal velocity. Basically, I had nothing to lose, so I went out on a limb with the little snake. Followin’ her instructions, I thought about moving red Sparks, whatever that meant, to my revival account; an equally unknown term, though I could take a wild guess.

To my surprise, the TV static resolved into words.

Account Setup complete.

Welcome to Hell, Sinner!

Command received, 100 FSS moved to Revival Account.

Available Deaths: 100.

Then I slammed into the ground, pastin’ against a surface I couldn’t see through the bold black letters. My whole body turned into a gory mess from one second to the next without me even bein’ able to get a word in.

And that’s how I died the second time.