The first zombie soldier came towards Hiro’s party. It wore red and silver armor in its past life it must have been a high ranking official. In it’s current unlive it was just a lone zombie. Hiro, with one slash of his katana, cut away an arm and a leg. The zombie toppled over. “Purify it.” Marry rushed forward “Dear gods above help this poor soldier find rest in the afterlife, P̴u̶r̴i̶f̵y̶ ̴U̵n̸d̴e̸a̷d̵.” She chanted the spell. Parts of the zombie turned to white sparkles and broke away, ascending to heaven. Hiro rolled his eyes. The spell was too inefficient you had to cast it then it took a few seconds for it to disappear.

Meanwhile Anon was coming to the same conclusion about damage over time skills. “Can you die yet?” He asked the goblin stabbing him in the chest.

“Goblin no die. Goblin strong. Goblin not effected by weak magi--” The goblin collapsed at Anon’s feet. Anon sighed. “Oy Son, why is damage over time such shit?”

Son points his gun at a goblin and shoots. “Cause it don’t kill ‘em instantly.” Anon flipped through the Store System for a spell that would kill instantly.

“Club goblin,” Ned calls out. Anon specifically instructed them to call out any goblins with blunt weapons. They were the only real threats to Anon’s skeletal body. Son shoots it as soon as it is called out.

“Let me test this spell.” Anon places a hand behind him. Anon had learned how to cast magic. A clever workaround. If all he needed to cast magic was magical energy. If you can't produce magic naturally then store bought is fine. There is that common trope of magic crystals in this world. He can use them as batteries to fuel his own magic.

“What spell is it?” Ned tries to screen what spells Anon learns. Ned knows this man has the power to learn any spell, but it feels like he just picks whatever spell sounds cool and doesn’t look at their effects.

“F̶i̵r̵e̷b̴a̷l̸l̴.̶”

Instantly a great blazing ball of fire flys from Anon’s hands. It flys past all the goblins and collides with the far wall. A large explosion occurs knocking everyone in the room to their back. The small bodies of the goblins fly against the wall and die on impact.

“Gods Damit! Anon! What did I say?” Ned screams.

“What spell is it?” Anon quotes.

“No I told you. Tell me what spell you’re about to use before you use it.”

“I did I said, F̶i̵r̵e̷b̴a̷l̸l̴.̶.” Another ball of fire flys forward it hits the wall and explodes knocking everyone down again.

“Are you an idiot?” Ned asks. Anon shrugs. He goes back to looking through the spells. If he could buy the instant death spell that the big guy used then he would be in a good position, but it’s not in the store list. The highest cost spell is clone.

“Can I cast clone.”

“Yes, I mean, it’s a non combat spell so there isn’t any harm in using it now, but it’s not useful right now eith--”

“Clone.” A giant clay jar spawns in front of Anon. The giant magic gem that Anon had been using to cast spells dims. “What’s it do?”

“You created a clone of yourself. If you die then your would will take fly to the clone in it.”

“Sick. What about this spell?”

Son gets behind the trolly carrying the magic stone and begins to push. “Cmon, this ain't a time to be window shoppin’ let’s go clear the dungeon.” Anon shrugs and replaces the gem on the trolley with another, fully charged, gem.

I return to the dungeon. That’s the first dungeon clear so I can summon more powerful monsters under my control. I look through the store as I walk until Ned grabs me. “Watch where you’re going!” I look down at where I was going, the bottomless pit is right in front of me. “Oh, thanks.”

This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.

“Ey, boss. Why do we have torches?”

I shrug. Because all dungeons have torches? I used the fairy bulb torches because they never run out of fuel and they were free.

“But we’re undead. We have night vision. It makes the dungeon less secure if we allow intruders to see.”

I see where he is coming from. No torches it is. I take the first torch off the wall. A small fairy with a crown stands up to me in a defiant manner. I give the torch bulb a shake to put her in her place. She bounces around the bulb. She waves her tiny fist and I can hear squeaks coming from the glass. I shrug and unscrew the lightbulb from its wooden holder. The crowned fairy springs from her bulb and begins giving me an earful.

“How dare you use us for lighting. We are the proud fairy species. We will not be treated this way. A curse upon your land. A pox, a plague. Death to all…..” an awkwardly long pause. “Skeletons?”

“Wow, racist.”

“No. It’s just. My first time getting a good look at you. The inside of the glass warps the outside world. I was sure that a human put us in there.”

“They did. We killed him and stole you from him.” I say proudly.

“Oh, I’m sorry my savior. You are truly generous to help us in our plight.” I say nothing and she begins to look around the room. There are still torches on the wall. “Hey! You didn’t save us you stole us for your own purposes!”

“Yeah, but we figured out that skeletons can see in the dark. So we don’t need torches.”

“Then free us.”

“Why?”

“We are fairies beings of pure magic, we are not meant to be confined in bottles as light sources! We are meant to wonder the lands making contracts with humans. We will die if we spend a hundred years in a jar!" She pauses and then adds with a sugary sweet tone.  "Because it’s the right thing to do.”

Son stifles a laugh and Ned nudges him in the side.

“Yall make contracts? Like demons.”

“No! We make contracts that benefit the humans. We give them power and we get to see the world as we travel with them, but we can only make contracts with humans of pure heart.”

“Make a contract with me,” I demand.

“I can not, your dark aura and corrupted emotions will turn me into a foul mirror of what a fairy should be. Your corruption will then spread to every fairy under my rule.”

I guess I understand, she doesn't want to doom her species with my dark emotions. Wait, do I have dark emotions? “Then have one of them contract with me. I want to know what it feels like.”

“But. You’ll corrupt them.”

“I’ll let you all out of the bulbs if you do.” I waggle my eyebrows, but the lack of eyebrows turns it into an invisible gesture. She looks like this is a hard choice. I walk over and grab another torchbulb off the wall. “Make this one form a contract with me.”

“That is my daughter! Borne from my own cosmic energy. Set to inherit the throne.”

“Cmon. It’s my first time being in a fantasy world. I want to do the fairy magic bullshit.”

“You’re an undead. You will corrupt what every fairy forms a contract with you!”

Racist, I'm one of the good ones. “Yeah, but I’m not a bad guy!”

“You’re using my people's safety as leverage to force a contract!”

She’s right. I am. I didn’t really realize it. I’m not a bad guy. Sure I sometimes quote Machiavelli, break the rules, upset world powers, and kill humans, but I’m not a ---oh no. I’m a bad person.

OH wait! I don’t care. I’ve always been a bad person.

“Son go get me some scissors. I’ma turn her wings into a snowflake if she doesn’t comply!”

And yes. I do have dark emotions. 

“Daughter. I need you to form a contract with this skeleton. It’s a brave sacrifice. Truly the people will remember you for eons to come.” The daughter blinks away the tears in her eyes. I hold my finger out to her. She takes it in her tiny hand and whispers a few magical sounding words. A flash of white light and the contract is sealed. “Well, that was boring. I feel no difference.”

“The contract is sealed now let my people go!”

“Okay.” I gather up all the torch bulbs and teleport into the demihuman village.

In front of me is two crowds. One holding up signs that say things like “God has forsaken us.” The other crowd holding up signs that say “God is testing us.” Each side sees me blink in and immediate throws do their signs to bow at my feet. “Sup?” The black poodle runs up to me. “Oh great skeleton in the sky. We ran out of meat a day ago.”

Jesus fuck. We go exploring the world and my idiotic DP generator almost starts a civil war. “Fine.” I summon more meat for them. A massive amount that the couldn’t possibly eat in the time it takes for the cows to breed more. Then I throw the sack of torchebulbs on the ground. “Twist the glass bulbs out and free the fairies inside.”

“Hey! This isn’t outside of the dungeon. This isn’t part of our deal!” The queen scolds me. I shrug. “It’s better than being outside. You get everything you want here. People, nature, protection from all humans.” She looks like she wants to protest but stops at the last point.