With a heavy breath I opened the door. I stepped into the office revealing an oversized room with a literal red carpet contrasted with the sleek grey marble of the floor. The carpet led to a pitch-black ebony desk and a black leather chair turned to face a massive window the width of the room that overlooked the city. I couldn’t see who was on that chair but it didn’t take a PHD to deduce that it was Aaron. On my side were a series of shelves with bright red files that stretched all the way till the end of the room. I felt someone step behind me. It was Elam. He told me that Sam and Cameron were not allowed to come inside for their own safety. He gave me a determined nod as we walked all the way to the other end of the room where Aaron was sitting. There was a chair waiting for me on the other side.
There was nothing on Aaron’s chair that gave me a hint on his life. Just a small silver laptop with the Thanatos logo and a calendar plastered on the surface of the desk. The calendar had a red mark for each day that passed. Today was the 15th of December.
“April,” said Aaron from behind the chair. His voice was the voice of someone who was used to authority, filled to the brim with confidence. “And… the traitor.”
Elam shrugged. “I still got paid.”
“Regrettably,” Aaron said with a sigh. He spun his chair around to face us. He was in his teenage body, with pitch black eyes, soft skin and the same brown hair with spots of white dyed in. I still wondered how he managed to get his hair dyed that way. I didn’t have time to think because something about those black eyes of his, they unsettled me.
He leaned back on his chair, holding a click pen in his left hand. “I usually don’t like talking to experiments but tell me April, what can I help you with?”
“I…” for some reason I couldn’t find the words. I don’t know why but my usual confidence wasn’t there. Aaron raised an eyebrow. “I want to go home.”
Aaron pressed the button on his pen. “Do you now?” Aaron said with a smile. “Which home exactly? Elam did inform you of the timeline shenanigans, didn’t he?”
I turned to Elam. All he had was a stoic expression on his face.
“I have a vague idea…”
Aaron’s eyes widened with a feign curiosity. “A vague idea. Really? So, you’re not aware of the technicalities.”
“Look none of that matters,” I said. “I just want to go home and maybe get some answers. That’s all, okay.”
Aaron’s smile grew wider, almost unsettling. He looked like he was about to laugh. I turned to Elam and instead of meeting his eyes for confidence, he looked away.
“Do you even know what going home means?”
He was quiet, expecting me to answer the question. The answer squirmed out of my body. “It means I go back to my original body and my eighteen-year-old self comes back here.”
Aaron chuckled. He stared at Elam. “I thought you were leaving us because of how ‘unethical’ our experiments were, how little transparency we afford our clients yet here she is unable to grasp the basic mechanics of time travel.”
“Your experiments are unethical!” Elam snapped.
Aaron clicked his pen again. “We’ll let her decide.” He leaned forward; his pitch-black eyes unbearably close. “April if you decide to return it means one thing and one thing only.” He glanced at my friendship bracelet. “It means you’re returning to the timeline where you didn’t meet these people, where you didn’t get to know Harper, Momoko, Wesley, Karl and Amrita.” Him saying their names made my throat dry. “It means you’re returning to a timeline where they didn’t get to know you, where when they see you, it’ll be like meeting you for the first time. Are you sure that’s what you want? Even after everything.”
The question lingered in the air. I looked down at my green skirt, at the friendship bracelet on my wrist. Suddenly all the beads on it felt heavy. “I… I…”
“Are you sure that it’s the right thing as Elam is convinced it will be,” Aaron said, casting a glance at Elam. I looked at Elam too but his gaze was fixed on Aaron.
“It is the right thing to do!” Elam snapped. “After I travelled…”
“For your selfish desire,” Aaron interrupted. “What happened with Tiana was on you. I am part of a company. My job is to improve lives.”
“According to your selfish desire,” Elam said. “Is her life really improved if we go according to what you think is good for someone.”
Aaron smirked. “We’ll ask April.” He turned to me. “Is this life of yours better than the one you previously had? Those dreary, boring days in your dorm, living just to survive with no friends or worthwhile relationships to speak off.”
I tightly gripped my skirt. It felt like the beads had a life of their own, judging me for whatever I wanted to say next. All I could think about in this moment with Aaron and Elam’s gaze bearing down upon me was ‘Why did it have to be so complicated? Why couldn’t I just go home?’ but that wasn’t an answer to the question and I knew that it wouldn’t satisfy the two stubborn men I was caught in between. And I knew the answer to Aaron’s question even after the reminder of how miserable my previous life was.
“Yes,” I said. “Yes, I… prefer being here.”
Elam groaned and Aaron’s smirk grew wider.
Aaron turned to Elam. “See? The truth prevails.”
I couldn’t bear meeting Elam’s eyes. after everything he told me, after our time on the meteor and us being vulnerable with each other, it was too much. All I could do was imagine just how disappointed he was when I told Aaron my truth and that made things even worse.
Aaron looked at me. I heard him shuffle through a drawer on his side of the table, he pulled out a slip of paper and put it in front of me. “Now all you need to do is confirm you want to continue this experiment. We haven’t made it past this year but judging by your extreme progress, I’m willing to make an exception…”
In front of me was a contract confirming the extension of this experiment with a whole list of disclaimers talking about metaphysical and multiversal anomalies I barely understood. Aaron extended a pen to me. I hesitantly held it, looking at the blank space I was to sign my name on with trepidation.
“I can see you’re anxious,” Aaron said. “But think of this way. If you sign it now, it means more time with your friends and a future where…”
“Wait a second,” Elam interrupted. “There’s something I still never got.”
Aaron groaned. “Oh, come on, Elam. We’ve been over this. Can’t you see that this experiment is what she wants?”
Elam wagged his finger. “No. Since you seem to care about truth so much nowadays, I want to know something. Since this experiment started you’ve been desperate to continue April’s scheme despite there not being any significant progress and the fact that it is much, much more costly than any of the methods we’ve devised since then. No, you’ve insisted on carrying on this experiment with the same parameters for over a hundred years and for what?”
Aaron chuckled, but his confident composure was starting to slip. “He’s just grasping at nonsense, April. Ignore him.”
“Nope,” Elam said, crossing his arms. “I think April and I can both see that you’re looking a little pale, Aaron.”
Aaron frowned. “This is stupid.” He looked at me. “April this is stupid. You know what you want so if you would please…”
“No,” I said, throwing the pen aside and leaning back. “I also want to know why?”
And I did. If I was right, the experiment involved Elam hopping timelines to grab 24-year-old me and replace her with 18-year-old me. That involved Cameron swapping souls. Afterwards, Samantha had to stalk me to get those beads. That’s not to mention the various other anomalies like keeping Violetta and Amrita locked up so that they don’t interrupt the experiment. Anyway, you strike it, this experiment was not cost effective and not a great way to run a company.
Elam leaned on the table, staring straight at Aaron. “Come on, Aaron. It’s the truth, isn’t it?”
Aaron sighed. “Since I see no other way out of it.”
Aaron looked straight into my eyes with the most vulnerable expression on his face I had ever seen. It made him look cute and reminded me of why I kind of had a crush on him in high school in the first place.
“April…” he said, his face starting to redden. “I… uh… I really like…”
He scratched his head. “No.” He looked straight at me. “I… love you.”
Elam and I both stared at Aaron baffled.
“People’s jobs are on the line,” Elam muttered. “For a high school crush.”
“Not a crush,” Aaron snapped. “Love! Love! What part of love do you not understand?”
I frowned. “So, you’re a creep?” And to think I had a crush on him in high school. If he heard what I said it didn’t show instead he just talked over me.
“I love you so much,” Aaron said. “I couldn’t stand to see you living that way.”
I frowned. “So, you’re a stalker too.”
Aaron had a nervous smile on his face. “I mean you admitted to me that you didn’t like that life of yours either.”
“Yeah. I didn’t, but I wouldn’t have wanted some complete stranger to interfere in it,” I said.
“But isn’t that what you’re doing?” Aaron asked, pointing at me. “Interfering with your friend’s life. The April who’s supposed to be in there isn’t the one who’s sitting in front of me right now.”
I realised I didn’t have a good comeback to that. In fact, it was the issue I was facing right now.
“But you don’t really love me,” I said. “I mean we barely talked.”
Aaron was baffled by that. It seemed he didn’t have a good comeback to that too.
“And what do you know about my life, I mean really,” I said. “I never told you anything about how I felt. I never told anyone. You can’t just decide whose life is up for improvement and whose isn’t.”
Aaron clenched his fist. Whatever was left of his composure had long since evaporated. He looked increasingly more irritated.
“You can’t just change up your tone,” Aaron said. “You were going to sign the contract! You! And you have the audacity to call me a creep and put the burden of responsibility on me as if I were the sole person to decide this!”
“I never signed any contract consenting to this experiment!” I snapped back. “In fact, I don’t even know anything about the hundred or so years all you Thanatos assholes were talking about!”
“But you were unhappy!” Aaron yelled.
“Yes but…”
“And if given the choice you would pick this timeline over being dead!” Aaron said.
“That’s the thing,” I growled. “Now that I know about my death there’s no way I’m going to take that walk! What, you think I’m stupid.”
That word echoed throughout the room, reducing Aaron to silence. I thought I had won the argument but the grim expression on Aaron’s face told me otherwise. I turned to see that Elam was equally as pale.
“You didn’t tell her?” Aaron asked Elam.
Elam shook his head.
I was confused. “Tell me what?”
Aaron scoffed. Whatever false bravado he mustered up for this argument had evaporated from his body. In fact, now he just looked sad. He got up from his chair and looked out of the window.
“Ever wonder why this company is called Thanatos Inc?” Aaron asked.
I was baffled at this sudden change of tone. “Why the hell would I care? We’re here to talk about my situation!”
Aaron laughed. “Stubborn as always. Fine. I’ll tell you.”
He turned to me and pointed at his eyes. “These eyes, they see ghosts.”
I chuckled. “Oh wow, spooky. I saw a ghost too you know.”
Aaron sighed. He turned to Elam. “Show her.”
Elam shook his head. “No.”
“I know my conduct has left much to be desired regarding our friendship,” Aaron said. “But I feel this is something that has to be seen, not felt.” Aaron pressed a button on his table. “Cameron, prepare your powers. We’re doing a jump.”
“Aaron,” Elam snapped.
“You know how stubborn April is,” Aaron said. “She won’t believe me until she’s shown.”
Elam sighed in defeat. He pressed a gentle hand on my shoulder. “Fine.”
He looked at me with pity in his grey eyes. I felt my stomach turn to knots. “What’s going on?”
My answer was a flash of silver light.
…
I’m sure you’ve heard of an unstoppable force and an immovable object. Aaron and I, our relationship is similar. I’m an unstoppable force; Aaron is an immovable object.
Elam’s echoed in my mind as I found myself back in my apartment trying to readjust. This time it was 2024, as evidenced by my mirror. I tried calling out to Aaron and Elam but there was no response. I stared at my wrist and noticed the friendship bracelet wasn’t there. I looked at the date on my calendar and circled in red were the dates off my exams. This was the day I was supposed to die, 25th of May 2024.
“Okay,” I muttered to myself. “I’m back. My exam starts at 1 and I left the house at 12:15. I reached the crossing at 12:30 so that means I have to stay the hell away from that street.”
I decided to pretend everything was normal, going over my notes and studying just in case this was just a normal day and whatever the hell had went on with the friendship bead was just some elaborate dream. My study notes blurred together as I anxiously stared at the clock.
I didn’t have to worry about that, at 12 PM my phone startled me with an album. I washed my face, took a deep breath and made my way to university for the exam.
Each footstep was heavy, filled with anxiety. The pit in my stomach made it worse. What did Aaron mean when he said he saw ghosts? Where was Elam. It was 12:15 and I avoided taking the road I took to school, opting instead to take a taxi.
The taxi driver insisted on making small talk but I could barely make out his words. All I could do was check my phone, watching the minutes go by. Each second felt excruciating, each minute felt like a needle in my soul. It was 12:30 and we passed the road I was supposed to die in. I breathed in a sigh of relief.
I wasn’t past the clear yet, I died at 12:35. 12:31, 12:32, 12:33. Just one right turn to my school. 12:34. I could feel my chest clutch tight with anxiety. The clock struck 12:35.
I couldn’t breathe a sigh of relief. I didn’t even hear it. The last thing I heard before things went black was the loud horn of a truck and the sound of metal crashing.
…
Aaron wasn’t born with the same powers we have. He couldn’t alter time, read minds or sense history. No, his power was different. You see, ever since Aaron was a boy he could see a timer up above people’s heads. Ticking away, years, months, days. He didn’t understand what it meant, what it signified. Not until his grandfather died.
I was back in my room again. The sound of metal crashing onto metal and the taxi drivers panicked scream still lingered in my memory but this time, I was prepared. Instead of going to school I’d go to the Usual Spot or whatever new café had taken its place and instead of taking any form of transport or any road or crosswalk; I’d Walk through the alleyways.
The destined hour came and with anxious breath I left the house. This time I walked through the alleyways making my way to the Usual Spot. 12:15 and then 12:20. The distant sounds of vehicles honking and hooting made my stomach turn but I felt safe in the narrow, graffitied walls of the alleyway despite the smell. At 12:30 I felt a gun on my temple.
“Give me your wallet.”
“No,” I cried. “No, no.”
“What’d you say, bitch?” the robber said, digging his gun into my temple.
“I don’t want to die,” I cried, not to him but to someone else, anyone else who was listening. “I don’t want to die.”
I felt a coarse hand shuffle through my pockets. “You have nothing. You stupid fucking bitch.”
I heard click of a barrel being pulled and before I could even blink, let alone run, a bullet went through my head.
…
That clock was a timer signifying death. And ever since he was a boy, Aaron could see the date people were going to die. And unlike Momoko, Violet or Amrita, he couldn’t turn it off.
This time I’d stay in my house, in the comforts of my blankets. This time I wouldn’t go anywhere.
I went deeper and deeper into my blankets as the hours passed. I tried and tried but I couldn’t sleep. All I could do was look at my phone as the clock ominously ticked on. When it hit 12, I looked away, not wanting time to pass but on and on it did until finally it hit 12:30. My face paled, I grabbed the bed tightly. Outside, the sound of cars made my adrenaline spike. The five minutes felt like agony but when they finally hit, I breathed a sigh of relief when nothing happened at 12:35.
Except for my apartment collapsing.
…
He tried to, he did everything he could but the date was set in stone. It was nerve wracking, no matter what he did from curing diseases to trying to prevent accidents the people he loved died in front of him. He tried living a normal life but how normal could a life be when you could see when everybody you love is going to die?
“Please,” I cried out as the clock hit 12:30. “Elam, somebody. Anybody. Please let me out of here.”
I was curled up in a foetal position in my bathtub. Never in my life had I felt as pathetic as I did then, begging to whoever was there to help me. And when the clock finally hit 12:35 and the sharp end of a tile hit my head all that ever came out of my mouth were powerless curses.
…
I didn’t want to open my eyes. Even after hearing Elam trying to calm me down, I didn’t want to open eyes.
“I don’t want to go back,” I cried. “Please don’t make me go back.”
“It’s okay,” Elam whispered holding my hand and pulling me close. “It’s okay.”
Against all odds I opened my eyes and through the blurry haze of my tears- I didn’t even realise I was crying- I saw the friendship bracelet and my delicate and pathetic teenage hands. I sniffed and turned to face Aaron who just sat across me with a poker face I wanted nothing more than to punch. And I did.
Aaron rubbed his forehead. “I deserve that.”
I shoved Elam away. “Never do that again you… you fucking assholes!”
“I told you we overdid it,” Elam said.
Aaron leaned forward. “Well, do you understand now what will happen when you go back?”
“Yeah,” I said. “But this is different, right? A different timeline? I can’t die here?”
I turned to Elam who looked away, even Aaron was silent.
“Say something you dicks!” I yelled.
Elam sighed. “When he found out I could time travel we tried that. The… the dates carried over. No matter where Aaron goes, the dates remain the same.”
I felt a hard lump form on my throat. “I could… always swap bodies with someone else.”
Aaron swivelled his chair to the side, clicking his pen. “You could. My death dates apply to bodies not souls but only Cameron has access to that power and you’ll have to live your life as someone else. In conclusion…”
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Aaron turned and faced me with his black eyes. “No more April Anji.”
Those black eyes were like an endless abyss, swallowing me. I felt trapped in the hopelessness they brought forth. With Aaron sitting so close to me now, I realised something. Those white dyes I always wondered how he managed to dye in, it wasn’t dye. His hair was slowly starting to get white, even at 18.
“So, tell me,” Aaron said. “Will you sign the contract?”
Elam placed a hand on my shoulder. “April don’t…”
I pulled my shoulder away. “I don’t care whether this is right or wrong.” Aaron perking up at my words and the expectant look on his face also pissed me off. “And I don’t care if my life wasn’t lived according to your standard.” I got up from my chair. “I… I just… want…”
I just want… want what? I didn’t have the answer to that. I walked away from them. Aaron called out to me but I ignored him, slamming his office door shut behind me. I walked through the corridors of Thanatos Inc, lost both in its gentrified hallways and my own thoughts. What did I want? Why did both options make me sad? I found myself in a Thanatos Inc bathroom looking in a mirror and hating the face I saw. This wasn’t my face. This wasn’t supposed to be my life. But what was? Shutting myself off from people because my best friend left? The same dreary days over and over, my soul feeling as grey and sterile as the hospital hallway I used to practice in?
I didn’t know how or when but I found myself in an abandoned glass cubicle. I caught a few odd looks from men and women walking around the cramped office space, the tiny sliding door and lack of light in my cubicle separating us. I found myself lying down on the rough grey carpet watching shiny black shoes and heels tapping on by.
I lost all track of time. As the hours ticked by, I wondered what exactly everyone was doing here, what their goals were. Why they kept on getting up every morning working for this time travelling, life improving, mercenary hiring company. I wished I could’ve been as certain as them, as sure, not filled to the brim with all my shitty issues. Maybe then my life would be better. Maybe if I wasn’t abandoned, life would’ve been better. Maybe if I was loved.
But I was. Harper, Momoko, Amrita, they cared about me in their own odd ways. But I threw it away. Was that the human condition? Be loved and throw away relationships because it’s too much. Or was that me? People carry friendships and romances into their old age. Am I just defective?
Someone stood by the door. A male judging by the shoes. He opened the door. I hated the fact that it was Elam but I also liked the fact that I didn’t have to be stuck in my thoughts any longer.
“If you’re going to tell me that this is wrong again, I swear to god…”
Elam shook his head. He lied down next to me. “I’m not. In my pursuit of my own version of right and wrong I forgot my humanity. Sounds awfully familiar to a previous experience I had.” He looked up and frowned. “Is the roof really that compelling.”
I shook my head. “No. I was just looking at people’s shoes. Jeff from the next cubicle has mud on his heel.”
“His name is Joe and HR is looking to fire him.”
“Oh no,” I muttered. “I don’t care.”
Elam smiled. “So, what are you feeling?”
I groaned. “This again.”
“We seem to make a lot of progress with these conversations.”
I stared at the white rooftop, at the dull light hanging overhead and the cracks forming on the perfect surface. “We do.”
I sighed. “I’m terrified.”
Elam shifted to face me. “Off?”
“Dying,” I said. “Death. I… I don’t want to die.” I frowned. “I don’t know how I died with Lloyd so many times. Just the thought of the things we did that invited death now just… I…”
“If it makes you feel any better, I’m scared of dying too,” Elam said. “And I’m functionally immortal. I had all this time to plunge myself into that big bang, to scatter my matter into a new universe but… I chose not to. Even after all this time.”
“Why?”
“Because there’s nobody there to see it,” Elam said. “Throughout all the timelines I’m in, the only way for me to die is to die alone. I could get another Elam to observe it but that defeats the purpose. Life is about the impact you make on others more than it is the impact you make on yourself.”
We sat in silence looking at the rooftops. “Sitting here, watching everybody pass by I realised. I am… the same person I was seven years ago.”
“What?” Elam looked confused.
“From 18 to 24, nothing about me has fundamentally changed,” I said. “I feel stuck. And I agree with you. All of this is wrong. 18-year-old me doesn’t deserve what’s happening to her, doesn’t deserve to die just so I can be happy but at the same time, I’m scared. And she’d be scared too.”
“Wait,” Elam said. “Hold on a second. Say that again.”
I scoffed. “What? And ‘she’d be scared too’.”
“No,” Elam said. “Just now. You said eighteen-year-old you doesn’t deserve to die just so you can be…”
“Happy,” I said. “I… I’m happy. Meeting all these people, learning everything about them, even Lloyd. I’m so happy to have met them. Back when I was 18, they were just faces. My best friend, the Kaiju that attacked the city, the anxious boy, the blind girl and…” I faced Elam. “The student council president. But now they’re people I know, people I care about even before when I had just dismissed them. When they were just traits or events instead of people.”
“But you still dismiss them,” Elam said. “Even now.”
I smiled weakly. “That’s just human nature isn’t? To push away the people we love?”
“You only do that because you think you don’t deserve them,” Elam said.
“Because I don’t,” I said. “I’m a piece of shit who keeps secrets from them, who uses them, who…”
“Helped Harper out of a toxic friendship,” Elam said. “Who helped Momoko feel accepted, who lifted a little of Wesley’s burden off his shoulders.”
“But that’s the thing, if I return, I won’t have helped them,” I said. “I’ll be going back to a timeline with nothing to show for it. I’ll be alone again…” I looked at Elam’s eyes. “I… I don’t want to die alone.” I sniffed. “I don’t want to be alone anymore.”
Elam got up. “Don’t leave.” It felt so pathetic begging him to stay but the anxiety and my dread were holding onto me so tightly I couldn’t bear to think about it.
He turned around. “This is a choice you’ll have to make yourself… for once I don’t have the answers, go to Aaron’s office when you’re done.” Elam’s sigh was heavy, as if he too were carrying the burden of the world. “The only thing I can say is this. You mentioned 18-year-old you is exactly the same as the you occupying this body. Nothing has changed about you despite the 6-year difference. You hate yourself equally. Maybe you should make the decision that a version of you that loved yourself would make. Maybe that will change things.”
I reached my hand out to him but it fell limply on the floor, Elam had already left the office, leaving me alone with those words. Maybe you should make the decision that a version of you that loved yourself would make. I don’t know what loving yourself felt like. I didn’t even know how to do it. Like wave a magic wand and wow you love yourself, yay.
With nothing else left for me to do, all I did was watch the footsteps, the same shoes moving up and down the office until they fizzled out, as the day got darker and the office got colder. By 5 they were no more shoes, not knowing what to do next I got up and left the cubicle walking around the hallways of Thanatos, my thoughts twisting and turning like its hallways. I don’t even remember what I was thinking about, all I did remember was feeling cold and tired and sad.
I found myself in front of a mirror again, looking at my face. For a brief second I saw myself at 24, tired eyes, sunken cheeks. Some of my clothes were drooping over my shoulders, I looked as tired as I felt. The face I saw wasn’t like that, her brown eyes were bright and her face full. I felt weary and that was reflected in my look, all I had to was smile and I was staring at person that was full of hope. The person looking into the mirror and the person looking back weren’t the same people.
Before I knew I stood in front of Aaron’s office. Something told me that despite most of his employees leaving he would still be there.
The door opened and there he was sitting on his desk. He looked like he was going to say something but all he had to see was my face to see that my mind was already made.
.
.
.
“… And I’m sorry Momoko,” I said. “But I don’t feel the same way.”
I tried holding her hand but she pulled away. She looked like she was about to cry. Scales started cracking through her skin. “It doesn’t have anything to do with you, it’s just…” I sighed. “Yeah.”
Momoko nodded. “I understand.” She left my apartment with her head hung down. There was nothing I could really do, I knew that. But bringing her here just to reject her stung me more than her. Momoko was such a precious soul and causing any sort of pain to her felt awful. I hoped she found the girl or boy of her dreams.
It didn’t take too long for me to hear a monster roar in the distance. I rushed out of my house and past the rooftops and people starting to flee I could see Momoko firing a beam that shot through the air like a geyser. I went back inside to grab my coat and help her but was stopped by Elam.
“You seem to forget that she can control her form at will,” Elam said.
“But…”
“This isn’t her first heartbreak,” Elam smiled. “Or her last. Let her blow off some steam. I want to talk to you.”
Her heartbreak that I caused shook the building we stood on. “I mean it’s kind of hard to talk when there’s a monster roaring.”
“We managed when the universe was ending,” Elam said.
Fair enough. I shrugged and followed him inside my apartment.
“It’s good to see this place as a person instead of a friendship bracelet,” Elam said. He eyed the papers lying on my desk. “Studying? Aren’t exams over?”
“Special exams,” I said. “I missed most of them on account of time loops and universe endings. Luckily, they’re easy since teachers don’t want to bother making an effort with holidays around the corner.”
Elam nodded. He fiddled with the lamp on the desk. “So, about Aaron…”
“Yeah,” I said, my voice trailing off. I could barely meet his eyes. “I thought…”
Elam cleared his throat, stopping me from saying anymore. “Do you have any regrets?”
“No,” I said firmly. “None at all.”
Elam smiled. “Good.”
I blinked and he disappeared. The roaring stopped. I rushed out the door to see if Momoko was okay. The apartment block had half opened doors swinging and people’s belongings scattered all around us. I looked down and saw Momoko. I waved at her; she waved back and went back to her apartment. Wit that sorted, I went back to my apartment and started studying.
…
“Ugh come on Sam don’t tell me you already left this timeline.” I stood in front of ‘her’ apartment, the one that was right next to mine. It still surprised me that she was just one door away and I had no idea that she was monitoring me for Thanatos.
I was just about to leave when Samantha opened the door. “What do you want? I thought you already made your choice.”
I stepped in front of her. “You thought wrong. Well, you thought right but I still need you for something.”
Samantha groaned. “Ugh.” She opened the door. “What?”
I made myself comfortable in Samantha’s living room. A very sparce room which didn’t even have a TV, just a few couches and a bare desk. “So, the way I understand your role in the experiment…”
Samantha crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow. “Yes?”
“Getting multiple dead April’s from multiple timelines would cost way too much and go against whatever the hell Aaron wanted from this experiment,” I said. “So, Thanatos only swapped timelines to get me into a new body. You kept the soul and you were in charge of erasing my memories each loop.”
“Pretty much,” Samantha said. “Why do you ask?”
“Do you have those memories?”
Samantha nodded. “Yeah, memories can wear down and degrade but you can never completely get rid of them.”
“Would it be possible for you to put them back?” I asked nervously. “Like back inside me.”
“I could but why would you want them back?” Samantha asked. “Doesn’t seem like you need them.”
I tried saying something but I realised I didn’t really have a good answer to her question. It was more symbolic than anything but as soon as I figured out how the experiment meant I needed to do this more than anything.
Samantha seeing something in me just shrugged and beckoned me to follow her. We stepped into the room she brought Amrita and I all those months ago when she kidnapped us. Lining the shelves were tons of beads.
“Are those…?”
Samantha nodded. “Yep. All of that’s your memories. Whenever I crystallised them, Elam realised all too early that we couldn’t destroy them no matter what we tried to do so we just kept them here. I was forced to take all of them with me when we swapped timelines. I’m so glad to get rid of them.”
Realising that back when I was a bead, I was surrounded by all of my memories was certainly a massive shock but once it wore off, I was amazed by the multicoloured beads that awaited me. All the dreary memories painted in black, the passionate ones red, some green, some blue, all of them mine.
“This is all of your memories,” Samantha said. “One hundred years of memories.”
“Can I have them back?” I asked.
“Yeah,” Samantha said. “But it’s a hundred years’ worth. There’s no telling what it’ll do to you.”
“That’s okay,” I said. “It’s what I want.”
“Alright.” Samantha’s hand started to glow a bright pale; the beads turned into a kaleidoscopic swirl of glass swirling around her palm. She shoved the air and the memories shot towards me, scattered screenshots of memories filling my head. Loves, friendships, sickness, pain, despair, heartbreak and happiness all entered my head. At first, I thought they’d be like an invasive species, neurons making connections that weren’t there but instead it felt like a homecoming, these memories cementing myself into my consciousness, changing me the way I was supposed to be changed, filling a hole I never even noticed the absence off.
After the memory transplant I let out a breath of elation. “Wow. Your powers are amazing.” But soon the bad memories also caught up with me and I was on the floor crying.
Samantha rushed over to me. “Are you okay?”
“Yes,” I said, wiping my eyes. “I’m just letting myself feel all the bad ones too.”
After the multitude of emotions was expressed, many of them involving me throwing a chair against the shelf or curling up and crying or laughing like a manic witch I was okay. I turned to the shelf that one hosted all of my memories now empty, clear and a little broken.
“It’s good to have an empty shelf, huh?” Samantha asked.
I nodded. “Yeah. It really is.”
…
I knocked on Harper’s apartment door. There wasn’t even a cold breeze but covered my chest with my jacket, crossing my arms and rubbing my hands together, doing just about everything I could to get the nervousness out of my body.
I was going to tell her the truth, every single detail I could muster. Whether she forgave me or not, that was her choice. Even though deep down I wanted her to forgive me, even though deep down I wanted her to. I’ve been such a bitch to her and I wasn’t sure if the truth would even make things okay between us. I had to try. I saw her eye peeking through and there was dead silence between us except for the cold breeze that passed through. I was just about ready to leave when Harper opened the door.
Not even one hundred years of memories was enough to prepare me for standing face to face with Harper. She stood at the doorframe, arms crossed, waiting for me to say something.
“I… uh…” I stammered out words. “It’s good to… see… you…”
I winced, even Harper seemed like she was catching onto my bullshit. “Are you just going to stand there stammering or are you going to say something?”
Meeting her eyes was so hard, I just stared nervously at my shoes. How the hell could I culminate all the guilt; all the revelations and all the pain I caused her into one ‘I’m sorry’. It felt so disrespectful and that was the thing, it was. I was being an asshole and I knew that but why, why was it so hard to say I’m sorry.
Harper sighed. “I’m just going to go.”
“I’m sorry,” I muttered.
“What?”
I closed my eyes. “I’m… sorry. About my behaviour, about everything.”
Harper scoffed. “If sorry was enough we’d be the best of chums. Apologies are worthless…”
The door was about to swing shut but I put my foot in front and stopped her.
Even Harper was surprised by my action, it took her a while to say something. “April if you do this again, I’m going to call…”
“I know sorry isn’t enough,” I muttered. “I just… wish I knew what to say…”
Harper shoved against the door, trying to push me out, but I pushed back. Harper was way too damn strong. “How about the truth?” Harper grunted.
“I want to say it,” I said, out of breath. “I do. I’m just terrified… of… the consequences…”
I managed to shove the door. Maybe Harper let me in, I don’t know. All I know was that I was inside Harper’s house staring face to face with her.
“Look I’m scared that you’ll leave me…”
“I already left you,” Harper snapped.
I winced, trying to ignore the pain. “Not that…” I breathed. “I’m just… I’ve been through a lot.”
“We all have,” Harper said. “You’re not special.”
“I just want you to understand how I felt-”
Harper laughed bitterly. “Like you did?”
“I know how you felt,” I said.
“Yet you still chose to be a stubborn asshole!”
“Can you just listen to me?” I yelled.
“You’re not saying anything worth listening to,” Harper snapped back.
I groaned. “Okay, okay. Fine.”
I took a deep breath. “I’m not me. There’s this experiment Thanatos carried out that swaps souls around. There’s also a bunch of timelines and all kinds of complicated crap but what you need to know is that I’m not me. The person that’s in this body isn’t the April Anji that was supposed to be in here. I’m a 24-year-old person in an 18-year old’s body.”
Harper was taken aback by that but she picked it very quickly. “So, you’re not April Anji.”
I frowned. “No, I am. Just April from the future and that April, that April didn’t have friends like you or Momoko or Wesley. That April’s only close friend was Violetta and she didn’t even know that her best friend could read minds. That April was a piece of work.”
Harper nodded aggressively. “Okay, yes but how does that justify you being a dick to me?”
I wanted to say I was trying to get to that but decided it would be best if I kept quiet. “I was scared. Because if I swapped bodies and you learned the truth about who I was, that you’d realise I was just an awful piece of shit and abandon me, that was why I pushed you away.” I was starting to cry again. God dammit. “I was scared you’d abandon me, abandon her and I’d be all alone again so I’d rather be a scumbag and be abandoned than see you guys slowly stop loving me, at least then I’d have a choice in the matter.”
I sniffed. “I know this isn’t enough or a good excuse or… anything but I love you guys so much and I know you guys love me but I’m scared of that love too. I’m scared that I’ll never live up to it and I’ll just be abandoned again… I’m sorry”
“Shut up!” Harper said.
“What?” that snapped me out of my tears. I wiped my face.
“Just… shut up… and…”
Before I could even say anything, Harper hugged me. Feeling her arms around me I felt so safe. I felt another surge of emotion that my knees caved in and we were both on the floor.
“I’m sorry,” I cried. “I’m so so sorry.”
“It’s okay…” Harper whispered. “It’s okay.”
We sat there for a while before Harper offered me a coffee to bridge the gap. We started catching up with each other, I told her what had happened on my end and she told me what had happened on hers.
Soon we were sitting on the couch, watching some stupid TV show as the snow started falling outside.
Harper turned to me. “Say, you mentioned Aaron giving you a choice?”
“Between dying or continuing through this timeline?” I said. “Yeah, why?”
“What choice did you make?” Harper asked.
I stared at my coffee, at the inky black darkness. Despite it being warm, my hands felt cold. “I’ll tell you, but you have to promise me one thing.”
“What?” Harper asked.
I told her and Harper made the promise, sealing it between us and Harper’s tears.
.
.
.
It was December 31st, the last day of the experiment. With the ten friendship beads I had glittering under the light of The Usual Spot café, I awaited the New Year alongside… 5 other people who were just the staff of the café, including the shitty waiter. They had planned a New Years celebration, with decorations lining the walls and a bright red banner with Happy New Years written in gold but nobody had come except for me. Some high energy music was blasting through the speakers with no one to dance to.
The asshole waiter walked up to me with a cup of hot chocolate.
“It’s on the house,” the waiter said. “For being such a loyal customer.”
I smiled. “Aww you missed me.”
“Not me,” the waiter said. “The rest of the staff. Unlike them I don’t care about your money and know you’re a schizo asshole.”
I sighed. “Fuck you too.”
I was waiting for my friends to come over and celebrate with me. The first person to greet me was Amrita who grabbed me in a hug.
“Oh, it’s good to see you, you dumbass,” Amrita said. “I missed you.”
I chuckled. “Who are you and what have you done to Amrita?” It wasn’t like her to admit that she missed me.
Her smile was suddenly gone. “I uh know about your decision. I… saw Harper at the mall and…”
I placed a hand on her shoulder. “It’s okay. I’ll still be around.”
Amrita didn’t look so sure but if she had any reservations, she didn’t make it know. “Waiter change up the music! I need something more energetic!”
The waiter changed the music from the already high energy rock song to something more techno. Amrita still wasn’t satisfied until they put on some Indian music.
With a satisfied nod she sat on a chair and put her legs on the table. The next person who came in was Cameron who just gave me a grim nod before sitting. If I was being honest, I didn’t expect him to come but a tiny part of me was glad he did. Amrita perked up when she saw him, immediately putting her legs down and sitting next to him.
An hour had passed before any more of my friends came over. I saw someone in a bright pink coat lingering outside. I caught her glancing at me before looking down and walking away quickly. I ran outside the café.
“Momoko,” I yelled out.
She quickly turned and noticing me started breaking into a run. Luckily, I was a better runner and caught up to her quickly.
“Momoko, why’re you running away?”
The poor girl looked like she was about to burst into tears. “Harper told me about your decision, she told me the whole truth and…”
I hugged her. Her body tensed up. “It’s okay. I have no regrets.”
“But… but…” Momoko actually started crying this time. “I spent all my time liking you and not enough time as a friend. I… I don’t…”
“It’s okay, Momoko,” I said. “I wouldn’t trade that time for anything…”
She started sobbing. “But I don’t want to lose you.”
That actually broke my heart. My eyes started to well up. “You won’t be. You’ll just be getting to meet a new me.”
“But she’s not you,” Momoko cried.
I smiled. “You’ll be surprised at how similar we are.”
Momoko pulled away. “You promise?”
In my heart I wasn’t sure, but I promised her all the same.
“Now clean up your face,” I said. “Everybody’s waiting for you.”
I brought her inside. Amrita ditched Cameron immediately and started talking to her. It was 9 PM, more people started walking in. All the Wesleys popped in, crowding up the café. Violetta who was surprisingly still in town was here and she hugged me so tightly I thought I was going to pop.
“I’m going to miss you,” she muttered. “All of you.”
It was 10 PM and that was when Harper came in, she ignored me completely, going to sit next to Wesley. Sitting there she gave me a grim nod but I could see the sadness in her eyes.
And 10:15 the clock stopped. I felt a cold breeze and sitting next to me was Elam.
“This is it, huh?” Elam asked.
I nodded. “Yep.”
“I’m happy about the decision you made,” Elam said. “But are you happy about it?”
“I… I don’t know…”
They were frozen in time, my friends. I could see Harper laughing along with Jesus Wesley, Amrita dancing with Momoko and Violetta, meanwhile Cameron was playing a card game with the other Wesleys with Priest Wesley sulking in the corner.
“But it’s what I deserve.”
“Death?” Elam asked.
I shook my head. “Love, these friends. It’s what she deserves. Eighteen-year-old me.”
Elam nodded. Time returned to normal. “But enough of this bummer conversation. I want to party.” He brushed past me and started dancing on the dance floor. Surprisingly the one-million-year-old man had dance moves, including ones I haven’t seen before.
With everyone here (Samantha rejecting the invitation because she didn’t like parties) I was ready to give them a speech. One of the staff members of The Usual Spot gave me a nod, telling me the mic was ready when I felt a hand grip my arm.
It was none other than Aaron, hunching over the bar table sipping a cup of beer.
“You know that’s illegal?”
Aaron shrugged. “I’m rich.”
“What do you want?” I asked with a frown.
“You know this experiment, this loop in particular cost me trillions,” Aaron said. “I don’t think I’ll be able to financially recover from this.”
I scoffed. “Boo-hoo. Cry me a river you creep.”
Aaron ran a finger through the rim of his glass. “I did everything to make sure your life is perfect and look.”
He waved a hand. “It is perfect. All those timelines we burned through and here we finally have one that works. It’s a long time till you die, you have six whole years to spend with these people. Why are you rejecting it?”
“Because it’s not me these people…”
“Bullshit,” Aaron snapped. “Nothing about you has changed within six years. You know that, I know that. So why?”
I groaned. “Tell me what’s Thanatos’s goal?”
Aaron scoffed. “Is that a trick question.”
“No tell me,” I said.
“Life improvement,” Aaron said. “To live a life without regrets.”
“How long have you loved me?”
Aaron started muttering something. “3… 4… centuries give or take.” He seemed proud of that fact.
“Do you have regrets?”
“Plenty,” Aaron said. “But none that can’t be fixed. Especially if…”
I held a hand to stop him. “Throughout these experiments, all these centuries of killing the ‘me’ you loved over and over again just so I could live up to your idea of a perfect life, throughout it all did you know that when I was 18, I used to have a massive crush on you.”
Aaron reddened. “What… no? I…”
I smiled. “And now that I’m about to die do you regret not knowing that? As far as I know I gave you lots of hints.”
Aaron was baffled. “What the…? I was too preoccupied by your death date to…”
He looked so cute when he was confused, I couldn’t help but hold his hand. Especially noticing those little white spots in his hair. It didn’t take a genius to know that seeing when people were going to die would have a profound emotional impact on a kid, especially Aaron. But still…
“Do you regret not knowing Aaron?”
“I can fix this,” he muttered. “I can fix it.”
“Answer the question.”
Aaron looked down into his cup of beer. “Yes, but I can…”
I shook my head. “You can’t. You made your choice. Just like how I made mine. And sure, I made choices I regret, but that what comes from having to choose.”
“But people die,” Aaron said. “So many people die with regrets. I’ve seen it. It’s awful. It’s worse when they all die without having known their regrets.”
I smiled. “And that’s why I’m glad to have had this chance. To have been able to work through my regrets.”
“But why?” Aaron said. “All your progress, your impact, it will be cancelled. Your friends they’ll…”
That made me stop. It was true, if I do go back, I’ll die without Violetta having someone to share her secrets with, I’ll die with Harper still with Skye, I’ll die with Wesley dealing with his anxiety in an unhealthier way… but…
“Such is life,” I said.
I don’t think I’ll ever know what was the right choice. As I walked about to the centre stage, preparing my words I noticed all eyes on me. As I gripped the mic, I realised all those words, everything I ever wanted to say just vaporized from my body until all I was left with was…
“Thank you for loving me.”
And that was the straw that broke the camel’s back because as soon as I said that, Harper, Momoko and Amrita rushed to me, crying. I was crying too but I regained my composure.
“Forget this,” I said, my voice cracking. “We don’t have time to cry. We have to fucking party. 2019 is an hour and a half away.”
And so, I danced the night away, replacing all the tears with laughter. We sang karaoke, laughed and played cards until it was finally 12:55. Elam and Cameron gave me a grim nod as I walked towards them.
“Thanks for slowing down time for me,” I whispered to Elam.
We headed to the café door, slinking away into the shadows. As I left, I saw Aaron, his face pale. He looked visibly shaken as he saw me get walked off by Elam and Cameron. All he did was give me a nod.
Cameron, Elam and I paused by the door as the New Year’s countdown started.
10, everybody yelled in unison.
“Anything else you want to say before…?” Elam muttered.
9
I saw Violetta, my best friend, finally belonging with people that weren’t me and not being used or abused for her powers.
8
I saw Amrita and Momoko, dancing. I think I knew who Momoko’s new crush was.
7
I saw the life cycle of a Wesley because for some reason, Hustler Wesley looked like an old man, Hobo Wesley seemed to start getting his life together, Jesus Wesley was hunched over reading a Bible, Priest Wesley was crying in a corner praying to a God he knew wouldn’t listen and Old Man, Prime Wesley and Kid Wesley were happily counting down, hand in hand.
6
Behind me I heard hushed whispers of workers of the café wanting to unionise.
5
The beads of my friendship bracelet glittered, shining with memories both old and new.
4
“No,” I said. “I don’t think I have anything I want to do.”
Before I left the café, I saw Harper, her body shaking. She looked as if she had tons of words waiting to cascade out of her body, before I left the café, she ran up to me and grabbed me in a hug.
3
“I’m sorry,” Harper cried. “If I knew this was all we had left, if I knew…”
I started to sob too. “It’s okay,” I said. “It’s okay. Just promise me one thing.”
“What?”
“That you’ll love her no matter what.”
2
We were outside the café. Elam and Cameron looked at me with a stoney expression.
1
The last thing I saw were my friends, elated expressions as the countdown inched ever closer to a New Year. I was glad to see them happy.
“You ready?” Elam asked.
I nodded. “Yeah.”
There was a flash of silver and then…
The End.