In hindsight, the best thing about being a friendship bead is once all the panic and fear wears off is that besides being immobile and powerless, you don’t get hungry or tired. You’re just looking through a hazy yellow glass and crying out to an impassive figure that towers over you like a cruel silent god, your only source of information being the sparse conversations she finds herself having once she steps into the dusty room, you’re trapped in not knowing how many days, months or even years have passed in between her visits but yeah, you don’t get hungry. Being hungry and tired is kind of a bother.

After all the panic wore off and I, alongside ‘Amrita’ was set on a dusty shelf alongside a bunch of other friendship beads in a dark room. The first day the blonde girl took me and ‘Amrita’ through the cave, talking about a reset.

“I told them we should’ve reset as soon as they let you talk to your mind-reading friend,” she mumbled. “But no Mr. Experiment Manager had an epiphany and let you do whatever you wanted.”

From what I could see from the blonde girl she was around our age and she had a position within Thanatos that was pretty high.

“But now he’s finally fired and we can do an experiment with someone else in charge,” she said. “Hopefully someone who knows what the hell they’re doing.”

And that’s all she talked about the whole way through. The useless Experiment Manager and how often she’d have to go back to her awful high school body whenever he had an ‘epiphany’ before finally concluding ‘That that stupid ghost was right.’

After that we walked into what looked like my apartment block in the apartment right next to mine where she set me down on in a room with only a chair and table and a whole bunch of friendship beads lining the wall on the left. she took out a phone, made a call and set me and Amrita down on the shelf, humming something as the dial tone droned on, tapping her feet by the door. When the person on the other end picked up, she turned off the light and slammed the door behind her, leaving me alone in the dark. And that was when the panic set in.

I cried and slammed the yellow walls of my bead, trying to call out for anyone to save me. And that’s when I realised, no matter how much I cried or how much I screamed, I never got tired. Like ever. My voice didn’t get hoarse, my tears never stopped falling. I was just crying into the void and it never ended until I made it end myself. I looked down at my body and what I was wearing was a white doctor’s coat and some comfortable pants underneath. My arms felt heavier and my body bigger. Through the blurry reflection of whatever the bead was made out off I could see my twenty-four-year-old face reflected back at me.

I don’t know how long it was but then the blonde girl burst in, fuming. “What do you we have to wait? I have both of their souls right here.” She groaned. “Ethics? For fucks sake nothing about this is ethical. I want to go back home. Watch them…? No… I…”

I couldn’t make out the rest of the conversation as she had left the room but after the call, she came in the room, holding her phone in her left hand. She looked as if she was inches away from crushing her phone. She glared at my friendship bead. “Fuck the both of you.”

She left me alone in the dark. ‘Both’ of us. I looked to my right to see Amrita’s friendship bead. Maybe there to communicate with her. I ‘moved’ towards her which was when I realised the normal laws of physics didn’t apply when I was in this friendship bead. I could float up and down, right and left. It was like I was in space but I didn’t need the breathing equipment. I floated towards the orange bead on my ‘left’. Unfortunately, there was nothing. I couldn’t make out anything through the yellow haze of my friendship bead.

“Amrita,” I called out. “Amrita!”

There was no response. I tried slamming against the walls of my bead but if there was a sound, Amrita didn’t hear it.

“Amrita!” I yelled out.

Still nothing. I gave up, floating in mid-air. I wanted to cry out again but I knew if I did, I’d just keep on doing it forever with no end in sight. I don’t know where the endless water came from or where the energy came from, all I knew was that I didn’t want to cry anymore because in whatever form I was in, doing so wouldn’t bring any satisfaction.

From then on, the blonde girl would pop into the room occasionally. Venting out her frustrations about her shitty job on a bunch of friendship beads. Other days she’d pop in with some beer even though she looked to be around 16 and on other days she’d come in and smoke which made me realise I couldn’t smell anything.

One day, she stared at the beads, a guilty look flashed across her face. She stared at ‘us’ for an unusually long time before sighing. She left the room and when she came back, she had a box of pizza on the table and three paper plates.

“Don’t make me regret this,” she mumbled. She waved her hands and soon Amrita and I were sitting on a wooden chair with the girl sitting across us. I was back to being sixteen again.

“Please don’t do anything stupid,” she said

I made a run for it. The girl sighed. For a brief second I was in a bead and then I was back on the table.

“What did I say?” she said though she didn’t sound irritated at all, just tired.

“You’re Samantha,” Amrita said.

Samantha held up her hand before Amrita could say anymore. “Don’t say anything more otherwise you’ll be eating on this table blind.”

Amrita smirked, though the confidence in her face waned. “You wouldn’t.”

Samantha raised an eyebrow. “You want to try? Tell her anything about me and I’ll show you what real blindness feels like.”

Amrita paled. She picked at the pizza in front of her.

Samantha sat back. “Eat up.”

I sat back on my chair. “You can’t make me.”

“Changing from a soul into a physical body takes a lot of energy,” Samantha said. “Sooner or later, you’ll have to.”

As if responding to her, my stomach let out the loudest grumble of hunger I had ever heard it do. I reddened.

“That’s Amrita,” I mumbled.

“Eat,” Samantha insisted.

I decided to eat up, Amrita on the other hand just ‘stared’ at Samantha, trying to discern her intentions.

“Why don’t you eat up?” Samantha asked. “Is there something in it?”

Amrita shook her head. “Nope, don’t trust you.”

Samantha sighed. “Well, you’re going to be stuck here a long time so you might as well make the most out of it. I know I’d kill for some free food.” When Samantha said those words ‘free food’ it suddenly struck her that she was paying for our food (a feeling I was all too familiar with) and she frowned. “Should’ve just stayed friendship beads.”

“Can I have another slice?” I asked Samantha.

“Sure,” Samantha said. She turned to Amrita. “I wish I could eat as much as her and stay as thin as her, don’t you?”

Amrita didn’t respond. I grabbed another slice of pizza.

“Why are you so quiet?” I asked through a mouthful. “You usually talk a lot.”

“I don’t like her,” Amrita said, crossing her arms. “I don’t like her intentions with you. I don’t like that you’re so casual about what’s going to happen next.”

Suddenly the ball was thrown into my court. Why was I so casual about it even though I didn’t know what was going to happen next?

“A reset sounds good, doesn’t it?” Amrita said. “Even though it means losing your memories.”

Samantha flicked her fingers. A friendship bead appeared on her side. Amrita blinked once and then her face went pale.

“Give it back,” Amrita cried out, looking on the verge of tears.

Samantha looked indifferent, fiddling with the bead she just created.

“I told you not to say anything,” Samantha said coolly. “I don’t mince my words.”

Amrita started groping at the table, as if she couldn’t see. It looked as if all the confidence had seeped out of her body. She looked so pathetic as she fumbled around, grabbing at the room. I hated seeing her like this and I hated Samantha more. I shoved the pizza towards her.

I turned to Samantha. “What the hell did you do?”

“Kept to my word,” Samantha said, leaning forward with a smirk. “Something you could learn.”

Amrita fell off her chair, she tried to fight back her tears but it wasn’t working. “Give it back,” she yelled out, slapping at the air. I walked toward her, holding her hand. she got a few slaps in on my face before she heard my voice.

“It’s me,” I said. “It’s me.”

I got up, sitting Amrita on her chair. I glared at Samantha. “Give her back her eyes.”

She stopped bouncing the bead. “Fine. If she promises not to speak.”

“I will,” Amrita cried out desperately. “Please give it back.”

“I don’t know,” Samantha said, frowning mockingly. “I don’t like it when you move your big mouth.”

I lunged at her but she held out her other hand. “Don’t move otherwise you’ll be your bead and your friend will go in blind.”

I wanted so badly to punch her in her smirking face but I knew she had all the power here. I sat back on my chair.

“Good girls.” Samantha smiled. She flicked the bead upwards. It disappeared into a flash of light. Amrita paused, letting out a sigh of relief.

Samantha turned to Amrita. “Now don’t say anything otherwise…” Samantha wagged her finger as if she were scolding a child.

“God, I hate you,” I said. I didn’t touch my pizza after that.

Samantha grinned. “I do too. Luckily after this we won’t have anything to do with each other.”

…

After a while, Samantha turned us back into a bead. She said she couldn’t risk Amrita telling me her secrets when she wasn’t around. I was back, looking through the yellow haze like I was a fly trapped in amber. She’d occasionally barge in the room, looking at us smugly because she had all the power and wanted to flex it. If she could see me in the bead, she’d know I was sticking out my tongue and showing her my middle finger. Unfortunately, I didn’t get the satisfaction of a reaction from her.

I got my satisfaction elsewhere.

One day she barged into the room, her face flushing with anger. Following behind her was an attractive, well-built man with a blonde buzz cut. If it weren’t for the school uniform, he wore I would’ve thought he was Samantha’s father. They had the same eyes.

“What do you mean we have to wait for the head researcher?” Samantha snapped. “After all the stunts he pulled I thought he’d be fired.”

“He’s the only one who can navigate through time,” the man said.

“What about the Looper?” Samantha asked, throwing her hands into the air. “What about you?”

“You’re forgetting the Looper is a joint effort between me and the head,” the man said, crossing his arms and leaning into the wall. “Face it, Samantha, you did this for nothing.”

On hearing those words Samantha started to fume. “Nothing. So, protocol is fucking nothing. The CEO says she shouldn’t know too much yet Mr. Head researcher allows her to see her mind reading friend and the girl who can sense time.”

The man shrugged. “She wouldn’t have gotten these many beads if she hadn’t.”

Samantha groaned. “That’s not the fucking point. We’ve been doing this for a whole century. I can’t count how many times I’ve had to come back to this year because ‘April had a breakthrough’.” She said my name so mockingly I instinctively gave her the finger. “Aren’t you sick of seeing our parents faces after we ditched them in college?”

“You’re complaining when you’re the only person who gets to live away from them,” the man said. “Fuck off Sam and do your damn job.”

He walked off quietly. Samantha growled, slamming her fist against the table. “Stupid fucking brother of mine.”

Samantha glared at my bead. “It’s all your stupid fault, you hear me!” She picked up a splinter and flicked it at my ‘face’, before leaving the room, slamming the door behind her and leaving us in the dark. The only thing I could glean from that was that she was in charge of the friendship beads and that she was in charge of those for a very long, long time.

…

A few days had passed. Samantha randomly barged in the room, staring at me ashamedly. Sometimes she’d come in with a big bottle of alcohol which I’m pretty sure was illegal. Other days she’d just come in, bursting into tears and then realising who her audience was she’d go back outside.

During one of those days, she popped in the room. There was a flash of light and soon I was sitting on a chair right across her. She held a small friendship bead in her palm. It didn’t take me long to realise I wasn’t alone, sitting next to me was a quiet Indian girl who looked to be blind.

“What’s going on?” I said, staring at the blind girl perplexed. “Who’s this? One of your Thanatos cronies.”

The Indian girl looked baffled. She looked as if she knew the answer but was staring at Samantha for approval. Samantha frowned, rubbing her eyes.

“Don’t make me regret this,” she muttered. She turned to the Indian girl; her tone suddenly serious. “You can tell her.”

“April,” she said. “It’s me Amrita. Samantha here is in charge of the friendship beads. More importantly…”

The girl’s name Amrita bounced around the corner of my mind like a scratch I couldn’t itch. I knew something about her but like a very annoying fly, I couldn’t reach it.

“She’s in charge of memory.”

The friendship bead in Samantha’s hand disappeared and suddenly the itch was scratched. I remembered Amrita as the annoying, asshole girl with a hidden heart of gold. The girl who could sense history. Amrita smiled at me, relieved. Happy I recognised her.

“Ask your questions now,” Samantha said. “We don’t have much time.”

“Why?” I asked. “What’s going on?”

Amrita frowned at me. “What part of ‘we don’t have much time’ do you not understand?”

“Okay,” I said, suddenly anxious now. “Okay. What do friendship beads have to do with memories?”

“My power is to capture essences,” Samantha said. “Capture a moment in time. That’s how you got those friendship beads. When someone’s true self resonates, I’m able to capture it. That’s how you got your friendship beads. Once you collect 12 your performance is regarded as satisfactory and you get to return home.”

“What does this have to do with memories?”

“At the end of every year your performance is always less than satisfactory,” Samantha said, a flicker of irritation on your face. “And I have to erase all your memories so we can start all over again.”

“They’re coming,” Amrita said nervously. “Hurry up.”

“How long have I been here?” I asked.

Samantha didn’t have time to answer my question. The door burst open. Samantha turned Amrita and I into beads, grabbing hold of us and running through the door. The world around me shook as if I were on an active volcano during a magnitude 10 earthquake. I heard the sound of impact, of fighting as Amrita jumped through the window, glass exploding all around her like mountains exploding as she ran through the rooftops.

The world, my world inside the bead was like that, as if I were moving from one natural disaster to the next, feeling Samantha’s heavy footfalls and the sound of fighting and cars racing by, as gunfire erupted through the streets like meteors and people screamed like the screech of banshees. I didn’t know when we stopped but when Amrita and I flashed back to our bodies we were in a dank rundown apartment with Samantha looking through the windows as she wrapped bandages around her left arm, gripping the large spool with her teeth. She was dressed up in a tank top and cargo pants, a gun holstered on her side. There was something wrong though. Her breathing was way too heavy for a shoulder wound.

“What’s going on?” I asked, noticing the slowly growing red dot on the bandage wrapped around her arm. “Why were you attacked?”

“Thanatos doesn’t like when they’re found out,” Samantha said. “Especially by you.”

“Why?”

Samantha shrugged. “I don’t know. At first, I thought it had something to do with not knowing you’re in an experiment, now I’m not so sure.”

Samantha turned to Amrita. “You should get out of here. They don’t want you, only me and April.”

“No, I’m staying,” Amrita said. “I can’t leave April alone. She’ll do something stupid.”

“Hey,” I shot back.

“I’ll take care of April,” she said, staring at Amrita. “Your powers know you can trust me.”

Amrita hesitated.

“I know you care about her but we can’t let a civilian get involved,” Samantha said, gently. Amrita reddened. “Get out of here, go back home.”

Amrita looked as if she wanted to say something but hesitated. I grinned at her.

“Aww look,” I said smugly. “She cares.”

“Say another word and I’ll tell everybody about your most embarrassing memory at the orphanage bathrooms,” Amrita shot back though her face was still red. That was enough to shut me up. She turned to face Samantha, almost glaring at her.

“What you did with my powers…”

Samantha sighed, looking guilty. “I’m sorry I…”

“It’s easy to forgive when you can sense history,” Amrita said. “It’s not easy to forget though. I want to know how?”

“These powers,” Samantha said. “They form part of your essence. Your soul. I can add and remove parts of your essence at will. If Viola came up to me or even Momoko I could do the same to them, too.”

“Yeah, don’t you ever fucking do that,” Amrita growled. She turned to me and held my hand. “Stay safe, okay. Don’t be stupid.”

She let go, leaving me alone with Samantha. Samantha smiled at me. “You have good friends this time around.”

Samantha keeled over, clutching her stomach. I rushed over to her. “I knew it. There was something off with your breathing.”

Samantha was standing on the side, to make sure we didn’t see it. I pulled up her tank top, revealing a wound on her sides. I winced. “Shit.”

“Yeah,” Samantha mumbled. “The bastards got lucky.”

I rushed around the room, looking for equipment. In the bathroom I found a first aid kit and in one of the cupboards I manage to find some pliers. I quickly washed them and scurried around looking for painkillers.

“I don’t have them,” she groaned. “There should be some alcohol in the fridge and I’m in the mood for a solid drink.”

I went over to the fridge and sure enough there was a bottle of beer sitting there alone within the crispy fridge. Like there was nothing else, no food, nothing.

I gave it to Samantha who held it limply with her left hand. I took off a piece of cotton, dabbed it with alcohol and cleaned it up. Instead of hissing with pain, Samantha just took a swig of alcohol. I put on the gloves I found in the first aid kit and tested the pliers. Samantha let out a heavy breath of anticipation. Afterwards, I stuck the pliers inside the wound, searching for a bullet. Samantha tightly grabbed the bottle, her body tensing as she took another gulp of the stuff.

I tried distracting her. “You said I had good friends this time. What did you mean by that?”

Samantha let out a scream of pain before composing herself. “We had tons of runarounds, leaving you to yourself. The most friends you’d ever make is five and that was just a barely deep connection. Now though…”

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Samantha cried out as I twisted the pliers. “Sorry,” I muttered.

She stared at my bracelet. “You’re at six. Progress. Maybe the head of research was right.”

“Runarounds?” I said, seeing the blood slowly staining my white gloves. “How long have I been doing this?”

“I don’t know,” Samantha said, her body tensing up. She looked up at the roof in a desperate attempt to ignore the pain. “One hundred, two hundred times. I lost count.”

My body stiffened. A hundred times and all the friends I’ve managed to make were five.

Samantha stared at me. “Focus on the job, please. There you go again looking for reasons to hate yourself.”

I was surprised Samantha knew where my thoughts were going. She noticed the expression on my face and smiled.

“When you run around following someone in order to get them friendship beads you learn a thing or two about them.”

She didn’t seem happy at all from that revelation, there was a tinge of bitterness in her voice.

“You don’t like your job?” I asked.

Samantha rolled her eyes. “Oh, gee. What gave it away?”

I managed to pull out the bullet. Samantha let out a scream of pain but I quickly put a bandage on her to stop the bleeding. She let out a sigh of relief before lying against the windowsill. Samantha looked exhausted from the whole ordeal, try as she might to resist, eventually sleep took her. It took me too.

When I got up Samantha was leaning against the window, looking through it with a pistol held in one hand and alcohol in the other. I tried greeting her good morning but she interrupted me.

“If you have any more questions, ask them,” Samantha said. “I don’t know how long we’re going to be here for.”

“Somebody has an attitude.”

“You would too if you had to deal with you for a hundred years,” Samantha said.

“What’s the deal with this apartment?” I asked.

“Thanatos has various properties around the city,” Samantha said. “Helps to monitor you and any other experiments we might have.”

“Why me? Why are they after me?” I asked. “What’s the reason for the experiment?”

Samantha shrugged. “I don’t know.”

I frowned. “But you said you were doing this for a hundred…”

“I don’t know about why you specifically,” Samantha said. “As far as I know you didn’t sign up for this experiment unlike the rest of our subjects. As for what this experiment is for, well it’s life improvement. That’s what Thanatos is all about. Improving lives.”

“Us being on the run doesn’t seem like much of an improvement over my life,” I said. “Seems more stressful, in fact.”

“You weren’t supposed…” Samantha stopped herself, as if she were about to reveal a secret she wasn’t supposed to. “Fuck it. The experiment wasn’t supposed to go this way. The head of research was acting way out of protocol.”

“Protocol being?”

“Violetta and Amrita,” Samantha said. “You were not supposed to befriend people who were able to find us. People whose souls aren’t in the right body.”

“Why?”

Samantha frowned. “I don’t know. Protocol is protocol. That’s why when Amrita found out about me, I decided to take action. That was way beyond protocol and would’ve fucked the experiment up exponentially. I thought I could finally get out of this freaking joint and get back to my real, actual life. Turns out protocol just means whatever the Head of Research decides it means. He was fired recently but still there’s no progress on this goddamn experiment because of fucking bureaucracy. That’s when I realised this is all bullshit and that’s why we’re here now.”

“Who is this head of research?”

Samantha flayed her hands in the air. “I don’t know. I don’t fucking know. All I know was that I was supposed to follow you and make beads and send reports to him and whenever a reset needed to be done, I’d work with my stupid brother. I don’t know anything else beyond that other than I could take the occasional break and was being paid. That’s it. You might know him. He was the one talking to you.”

Mr. Silver. Mr. Silver was the head of research. I touched my friendship bracelet, fiddling with it.

“He acted as a sort of guidance counsellor, therapist thing a few loops in,” Samantha said. “Cause girl you were in need of some serious help.”

I raised my hand. “Stop, I get it.”

Samantha sighed, looking through the window. I decided to sit against the wall, looking up at the peeled rooftops to process everything I had learned.

So, I was trapped in this year, constantly returning with no memories of my previous times and Mr. Silver was helping me find out more about it for whatever reason. Still, even after everything there was so little I knew. Who was Mr. Silver? Why was I part of this experiment and most importantly…

“What happened to my other self?” I asked. “My 18-year-old self.”

Samantha shrugged. “I don’t know. You’ll have to ask my brother about that, he deals with souls.”

Still no more answers. God dammit. I ignored my frustration and disappointment, realising it wouldn’t get me anywhere.

“Who is your brother?” I asked. “That hunk with the buzzcut?”

Samantha ignored my obvious attraction to him and sighed. “Yes. Cameron. My older brother and resident dick.”

“Why is he such a dick?”

Samantha grumbled. She looked as if she didn’t want to answer that question either. She glanced at me for a second before a resigned expression took over her blue eyes.

“Because we had a rough upbringing growing up,” Samantha said. “And he thinks the world owes him something for it or…” Samantha frowned. “Look it’s none of your business. Just shut up while I try and find us a way out of here.”

“You’re not going to go anywhere with that wound,” I muttered.

“You just worry about yourself sweetheart,” Samantha said. “I’ll be fine.”

I was starting to get the impression that Samantha here really didn’t like me. I decided I wasn’t going to bother with whatever the hell her deal was. I looked around the room for a bedroom and when I saw that the apartment was empty with nothing even remotely resembling a bed or a mattress, I contented myself with sleeping on the floor.

“Don’t wander far off,” Samantha’s voice echoed through the hallway. “I don’t want to be separated from you if they decide to barge in.”

“Aww,” I called back, walking towards her. “You really do care.”

“Nah,” Samantha said. “I figure they need you more than they need me, if push comes to shove, I could always use you as a hostage.”

I sighed. Despite her attitude I decided to sleep where she was standing watch. There was a tiny part of me that wanted to go ahead with the reset. After all, what was there for me to lost? These memories couldn’t be worth much especially since I was doing this for a hundred years and didn’t have any of them. I decided against that in the end, however. I needed to know what happened to my eighteen-year-old self. That was what was important at the end of the day.

I didn’t know when I fell off to sleep but I did. I woke up in the middle of the night, lying against the wall. My eyes came to focus on Samantha sleeping in a sleeping bag, all snuggled up and warm. It was then when I noticed the slight chill in the air. I didn’t know how long I was trapped as a bead but winter was coming and all I had on was a green skirt and white school uniform.

I decided to test my luck. Maybe Samantha would be so fast asleep she wouldn’t notice me try and snuggle up to her. I shifted over to her but before I could get even a meter away from her, Samantha spoke.

“Not one step,” she mumbled.

“There is no way you’re awake,” I groaned.

“I sleep with one eye open.”

I sighed. “Come on. Sharing is caring. It’s freaking cold out here.”

“Like the cold shoulder you gave Harper,” she muttered, shifting in her bag. “Forget about it.”

“You can’t stop me,” I said, scampering over to her.

“I will shoot you…” before she could finish her sentence I had my arms around her. “Hey!”

I grinned. “Ha! I won.”

She let out a resigned sigh. “Fine. As long as you don’t take up space.”

I turned my back to her, feeling the polyester warmth of the sleeping back seep through my body. We slept back-to-back; Samantha submerged in the bag while I just huddle close for warmth. The last thing I remembered thinking before I fell off to sleep was that the weather wasn’t the only thing that was cold.

…

I woke up to a harsh morning light and snacks falling on my face. I woke up and saw Samantha holding an empty grocery bag upside down.

“Eat up,” Samantha said. “We need to move.”

“You aren’t supposed to be moving,” I said.

“Eat up,” Samantha said. “We’re getting out of here. They caught on to us.” Samantha grabbed an energy bar from the plastic and stook a bite out of it. Amongst the food that was scattered around me were a few energy bars but to my amazement, some ramen in the flavour I liked it in too (char siu pork ramen). When I noticed that, I looked at Samantha. There was more to her than met the eye. Unfortunately, she was too much of a dick to me for me to try and peel back the layers.

I grabbed the chopsticks and stared eating the ramen.

“How do you know they caught on to us?” I asked after I was done.

“Noticed one too many people staring at me.”

“Aren’t you being a little paranoid?” I asked.

I heard the sound of muffled heavy boots ascending the staircase. Samantha stared at me with an eyebrow raised in an expression that said ‘I told you so’.

“So how are we going to get out of here?” I asked.

“There’s no we,” Samantha said. She held out her hand and again I was trapped behind the familiar yellow haze of a friendship bead, cursing Samantha.

There were the same footfalls that felt like earthquakes, voices that boomed like rockets and eventually and gunshots whizzing like meteors. Eventually I reappeared in a decidedly nicer apartment building with painted walls and a wider area but still no furniture.

Samantha sat by the door with a can of alcohol on her side.

“I don’t like being a friendship bead you know,” I said.

Samantha shrugged and took a sip. “Makes my job easier.”

“Also, you shouldn’t be running,” I said. “That wound of yours…”

Samantha glugged down the whole can and ignored my words. I sighed. We sat together in silence until night fell and again, I huddled up next to her, our backs to each other. The only warmth I felt being from the nylon of the sleeping bag.

“Why do you hate me?” I asked her.

When I got no reply from her, I sighed and tried to fall asleep but before I could she spoke up.

“Anybody would hate a person if they spent a hundred years with them,” Samantha said. “Especially a person like you.”

Those words stung so hard I shifted away from Samantha. I decided to sting back.

“It’s not like you’re any better either,” I snapped. “Besides, if you hate me so much why even bother taking me around! I was doing just fucking fine before you showed up!”

Samantha chuckled, turning to face me. “Doing fine by giving Harper the cold shoulder? By using Wesley? That’s the fucking problem with you April, you hate yourself so much you think everybody else is disposable. The only people who actually give a shit about you are Momoko and Amrita but I imagine not for long.”

“You don’t know me!”

“Oh yes I do,” Samantha said, a mocking laugh escaping her mouth. She got up from her sleeping bag. “It’s always one step forward, three steps back with you. The same story played out over a hundred times. You’ve barely made any progress in any of the hundred experiments, holding the rest of us back. That’s who you are April Anji, a girl who drags down everyone with you!”

I had nothing to say to that except fuck you. I didn’t care how cold it got I didn’t want anything to do with this bitter hag.

Morning came and Samantha wasn’t there. She came in with snacks, tossing them on my face again. I gave her the finger and ate in silence.

“We have to move again,” she said after I finished.

“You’re not turning me into a friendship bead…”

She turned me into a friendship bead. Again fighting, again more gunshots and fighting. When I was back to being a human, we appeared in an apartment (with furniture this time) but a trail of blood was on the floor. I followed it to Samantha standing in the middle with a blood stain in her leg.

“Shit,” I ran over to her. “You need to patch things up.”

“Fuck off,” Samantha said, shoving me aside. “I don’t need your help.”

“Are you an idiot or something?” I asked. “Now’s not the time to be stubborn.”

“I can handle myself,” Samantha muttered though her heavy breathing said otherwise. She slumped down on the sofa, resting her leg on her thigh. “You go ahead and sleep or something.”

I sighed. “I swore an oath…”

“In 6 years,” Samantha said. “Not now. So, you can go fuck off or something.”

“Fine,” I said. “I’m leaving.” I walked towards the door.

“That you can’t do,” Samantha said.

“Why?” I asked. “They can’t do anything to me without you.”

“If you go that means more of a job for me,” Samantha said.

I scoffed. “And I’m the one who sees people as disposable tools.”

I walked towards the doorway. “April,” Samantha shouted. “I will shoot at you!”

I grinned at her. “You fucking wouldn’t…”

She did. The loud sound felt like a slap on the face. Plaster fell down on the floor at the corner of the doorway. I stared at the hole at disbelief, she tried hiding the gun but I could see the black muzzle. I turned to Samantha. She looked a tad bit remorseful but I didn’t fucking care.

“You shot at me,” I growled.

“Well, you don’t fucking listen so…”

“Shut up!” I interrupted. I ran towards her and punched her across the face. “What the fuck is your problem with me?”

Samantha glared at me. “Hit me one more time…”

I raised my fist. Samantha kicked me in the belly with her good leg. I ran up to her and tackled her.

“You bitch about your brother acting like he’s owed something but you’re the fucking same!” I tackled her to a sofa. Samantha elbowed me in the face. I ignored the pain flaring through her through my body and clawed her on the face. She managed to grab hold of me and push me off.

“Whining about me,” I growled. “Do you even look at yourself?”

I charged towards her again, this time going for the belly. Samantha yelled out in pain but she was much stronger, she grabbed me by the side, held me up in mid-air and tossed me on the ground. I was seeing one too many Samantha’s but I heard her harsh words all the same as she pulled me up by my hair.

“You… you are full of shit,” Samantha muttered. “You think the world revolves around yourself and your stupid answers.” I kneed her in the crotch. Samantha cried out, I pulled away from her trying to regain my vision.

Samantha’s hair was tangled around her face, her clothes were stained in blood but through the blonde curtain of her hair I could see blue eyes full of venom.

She lunged at me. I dodged her but she managed to land a kick on my shin.

“You like pushing away people because it makes you feel special,” Samantha grumbled. “You feel you’re justified because your life sucks and you suck! Well boohoo little princess it sucks for fucking everybody!”

I kicked her in her bad leg and slapped her across the face. “You don’t know me!”

Samantha let out an insane cackle as she tackled me against the wall. I could barely hold on to my consciousness as I fell to the floor and felt her limp punches against my face. I tried fighting back but I was slowly losing consciousness.

“I know you too well,” Samantha yelled out. “Too damn well! I lost everything because of you and your stupid drama and for what. Six friendship beads instead of four! Some stupid iota of progress. The head of research’s stupid sense of honour. I don’t fucking know!”

Her punches stopped and tears started to fall down her face. “I’m drinking again. Getting fucking shot at for… for… what…”

She fell to my side, sobbing. “Why do I care so damn much about you?”

I don’t know what happened next as that was when all the adrenaline ran out and I lost consciousness.

…

When I finally regained my consciousness, the first thing I noticed was the massive headache. I winced at the bright light glaring down at me and nausea threatened to overwhelm my body. That’s when I noticed I was lying down on a bed and sitting at the edge of it was Samantha, holding a spool of bandages and a packet of painkillers.

Instinctively I turned away from her. This bitch was a psychopath. I tried getting up and running away from her but pain flared through my entire body. That fight really took a lo out of me.

Samantha recognising that gently placed a hand on my back. “Look I’m sorry.”

“You fucking shot at me,” I muttered. “I don’t think that sorry will cut it.”

When I spoke, I recognised my mouth was like a desert. It felt so dry. The only thing I could taste was the bitter echoes of bile that felt like a spike shooting through my throat.

Samantha quickly took a glass and placed it by my mouth. It felt cooling, wiping away and the taste and soothing my mouth.

“What the fuck is your problem?” I asked. “From treating me like shit to helping me out like this. Are you fucking insane?”

Samantha chuckled in a self-mocking way. “I might be.”

I groaned. “Can you stop being vague and self-pitying and get to the damn point?”

Samantha actually had a genuine laugh at that statement. “Vague and self-pitying. Like you.”

I rolled my eyes. “You’re really testing my patience here.”

“I know you,” Samantha said. “I know you. We’ve been at this over a hundred times at this point that I know you clearly. Your strengths, your flaws, all of them. I know you so fucking well because you’re me, too. You remind me of me before I got the help I needed, met the people I loved. It’s probably why I joined this project because you looked like you needed guidance. But…” Samantha sighed. “And I mean this with love but you are a freaking disaster.”

I sighed. “Oh god here we go again.”

“Though I can’t really blame you,” Samantha said. “Maybe it’s these stupid protocols, maybe it’s the fact I have to her again when I’d rather be someone else.” She looked down at her now bruised teenage body and at the bloodstains. “Coming back here and dealing with my parents and my stupid fucking brother again. Coming back over and over because of you… it fuelled the resentment and for that I’m sorry.”

Call it a gut feeling but at that moment I realised she wasn’t telling me the whole story. Maybe it was, because of the fact that we were so similar that I even cared enough to ask this question. “There’s something you’re not telling me.”

Samantha was taken aback. She didn’t expect me to get the read on her, I guess. She looked conflicted in that split second between deciding to tell me and keeping quiet. She decided to tell me.

“Well since we’re stuck here,” Samantha muttered. “I… I have a family. My husband Jacob and my daughter and son, Jacqueline and Russel. Jacqueline’s the oldest, she’s a boss and very very smart and Russel, Russel’s dumb as bricks and a rascal but he’s energy always brightened my day.” Samantha looked at her arms. “When I had Jaq, I promised myself that I would never ever drink again. That she wouldn’t see her grandmother in me, that she’d have the greatest mother ever who’d always be there for her and never be so far away that she couldn’t see her daughter for who she is. That she would be accepted no matter what.” Samantha had a bitter smile on her face. “And that sure went well.”

Her sarcasm was biting, more to herself than at anyone else.

“This job let me provide for them,” Samantha said. “When Thanatos came in with the contract, I was so excited to have a job that meant something. To help someone that was just like me through a similar situation. If only I’d know what happened next.”

Samantha leaned back and stared out the window. I followed her eyes through the window, the buildings and skyscrapers of the Walled city looming underneath the centuries old wall. I wondered what stories Amrita could tell me about the wall.

“I hate this city,” Samantha said, her voice was cold. “It reminds me of my parents, it reminds me of my shitty family.” She looked down at herself. “I hate this body too, the phase of my life it represents, the person it represents. I’m all for personal responsibility but I hate the teenage girl my parents made. All of this…” she said looking down on herself. “Reminds me of that girl. The drinking, the selfishness. This city reminds me of that girl and unfortunately, I became that girl, again.”

She looked down at her lap in shame. “I started drinking, both in this body and out of it. I started pushing away my children and my husband. I started treating my children as an afterthought.” Samantha wiped the tear falling down her cheek. “I started becoming my parents and… and I’m scared of the fact that I don’t think I’ve stopped. And all of it, everything at the centre of it was…”

She stared at me. I looked down in shame. After hearing Samantha’s story, I felt a deep regret in how I treated her. In how I talked to her. Before I could even word my regrets Samantha interrupted me.

“Don’t.”

I was confused. “Don’t what?”

“Don’t apologise,” Samantha said. “It’s not your fault I treated you the way I did. It’s mine. Stop taking responsibility for things you didn’t cause.”

I rolled my eyes “Easier said than done.”

Samantha held my hand. “What I mean is underneath it all you’re a good person. You’re kind and all the Aprils I saw were always there for her friends. It just needs a lot for that person to resurface, buried underneath all that shame.”

I smiled at her. “Thank you. Those words mean a lot.”

Unfortunately, or fortunately I should say she smiled back. She didn’t realise those words were hollow. The wall of shame was so thick for even the most sincerest of words to pierce through.

We sat in silence, both of us bruised and tired but each of us coming to an understanding with each other through it all.

“Tell me one thing,” I said. “How do you decide when those friendship beads pop into existence? Like they always come at the most convenient, holistic times.”

Samantha chuckled. “Essences are weird and complicated like the people behind them, buried under the hustle and bustle of everyday life. But sometimes their true essence seeps through and once you get a handle of that, you can grab a hold of it. That’s how I capture their essences. My instructions were very specific though. I was only to make a bead when the essence of the person you were talking to was in its full form, unfettered from the rest of the world, the noise.”

Samantha shoved me playfully. “Like right now.” A bright red essence appeared from her chest and onto the bead. It was in the shape of a rose. “Like it or not April, you have the tendency to bring out people’s true essences.”

I grinned. “You must be a piece of work if beating the shit out of you brings out your true essence.”

Samantha grinned back slyly. “I seem to recall only one of us getting knocked out.”

“What’s my essence like?”

Immediately the grin was wiped off Samantha’s face. She couldn’t meet my eyes. I nudged at her.

“Come on,” I said, badgering her. “Why the long face? It can’t be that bad.”

The expression on her face however said ‘Yes, it’s that bad’.

“It’s bold,” Samantha said after a while, though she was tentative when she spoke. “Full of bluster and passion and energy but…”

I raised my eyebrow. “But?”

“It’s the essence of a coward,” Samantha said quickly. “It speaks to someone who runs away from the problem at hand under smoke and fire she made.”

Now that felt like a punch in the face. She was right. Even after everything I wasn’t truly dealing with how I felt about this, not really. I was going along with everything at full speed without really thinking about why I was doing it. It was what happened with Wesley and what was happening with Harper.

But, I mean, who cared about them anyway? After all, they were never around when I was 18. They don’t care about me. They care about an April that’s dead.

Whatever, Samantha didn’t know what the hell she was talking about anyway. All this talk of essences was vague at best, dubious at worst.

I didn’t tell her all that. We just sat in silence afterwards…

That was a lie. I broke it.

“How come you haven’t gone back to your children yet?” I asked. “I mean you have nothing to lose. You’re being shot at by your company for crying out loud.”

Samantha squeezed my hand. I didn’t realise she was still holding it. “My brother does the body swapping thing and even if he wasn’t such a tool, we still need the Head of Research to travel through time.”

I frowned. “He has a time machine?”

Samantha shook her head. “He is the time machine. Like Amrita can sense through history, he can travel through it.”

It was starting to all come together. How I managed to get back here. Still didn’t explain the ‘loop’ Samantha was talking about.

“Even if I could go back,” Samantha said. “I don’t think I would.”

“Why?” I asked.

“They’re happier without me,” Samantha muttered. “Besides I don’t deserve them.” She wiped her eyes.

“Now who’s the one who’s running away?” I said, elbowing her.

“I had my chance with them,” Samantha said. “I blew it. And after everything that’s happened, I don’t think I’m ready to see them again and when I am, when I think I am I hope they’ll find it in me to forgive me.”

I didn’t have kids but I did lose a lot of friendships in my twenties. I understood where Samantha was coming from and just how much she loved her children.

“Speaking of time travel, when I died, I was in a white space,” I said. “Was that…?”

Samantha nodded. “Yep, a mixture of ectoplasm and my essence capturing.”

“Ectoplasm?” I asked. “I don’t remember ingesting any ectoplasm.”

“It’s in the water supply,” Samantha said. “Thanatos owns the water supply.”

“Oh.”

“That explains it,” I said. “Doesn’t explain the body swapping thing.”

Samantha looked like she was about to speak up but before she could her body tensed. I wanted to ask her what was wrong but suddenly the glass on my window exploded outwards. Swinging in through the window was none other than Samantha’s brother. Samantha shoved me down and held out her gun over the bed.

“Cameron,” Samantha growled. My body was from the sudden movement, Samantha’s body covered me up in shadow. “How many people did you bring?”

From underneath the bed I saw Cameron’s footsteps shuffle. “Just one. Lloyd.”

Lloyd, like my classmate Lloyd? The douchebag?

I got my answer immediately, it was Lloyd. What was he doing here? How was he involved with Thanatos Inc, he was just a class clown? And how was he of all people holding Samantha hostage? Samantha tried fighting back but he grabbed her, yanked out her gun and pointed it at her temple.

“Relax babe,” Lloyd said with a smirk. “All you’ve got to do is what we tell you and nobody gets hurt.”

“Fuck you,” Samantha grunted, struggling against Lloyd’s tight grip.

“April, get out or Samantha here gets hurt,” Cameron said. By the tone of his voice, I knew he wasn’t kidding, I got up from my spot underneath the bed with my hands raised.

I raised my hands, stepping out carefully.

“You’re a piece of work,” Lloyd said, whistling when he noticed my bruises. “God damn what did Samantha do to you? If it’s something sexy don’t tell me, I don’t want to know what I missed out.”

Cameron had his gun trained on me. “Shut up Lloyd.”

He eyed Samantha and then me. “Those grunts are fucking useless. It took 13 of them to even get hold of you. When they found you out, I decided to get Lloyd and do the job myself.”

“You always were a tool,” Samantha spat.

“Lloyd shut her up,” Cameron said.

Lloyd shrugged. “Nah she’s hot. I don’t want to ruin her pretty face.”

Cameron sighed, face palming. “Why can’t anyone be professional?”

“What do you want?” I asked, my voice shaking.

“A reset,” Cameron said, fiddling with his gun barrel. “According to protocol. I don’t know what the fuck the head of research was thinking by not following instructions.”

“He’s not a dog like you,” Samantha yelled.

“Ooh,” Lloyd said. “Your sister is feisty. I like that in a girl.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Cameron said, losing his stoic demeanour. “I’m going to enjoy shooting you in the face.”

I looked noticeably confused. Cameron shrugged. “That’s how we activate a loop after Samantha here removes your memories.”

Samantha still struggling to break free laughed. “Kiss my ass! You won’t get the chance.”

“We have your children hostage,” Cameron said flatly. Samantha’s confidence was wiped off her face in an instant. “Jacqueline and Russel. Yeah, CEO made us travel through time to grab em.” Cameron held up a phone and showed two children tied up. They looked to be around 14 and 12 and they both had Samantha’s blonde hair. “I’m really disappointed you didn’t tell mum or me.”

“They don’t need your poison,” Samantha yelled out. “You… you fucking…” She let out a scream of frustration trying to break out of Lloyd’s grip but unable to.

“You don’t do the wipe, they die,” Cameron said. In that brief moment I noticed a touch of hesitation in his voice. “Simple as that.”

Samantha scoffed. “Yeah, even I know you’re not that cold blooded.”

Cameron lost his composure then but Lloyd picked up the slack.

“He’s not the one doing it,” Lloyd whispered in Samantha’s ear.

I felt a shiver down my spine, Samantha’s face paled.

Immediately she started to beg. “Come on Cam, you’re their uncle. You can’t fucking do this. Please. Please.”

Cameron regained his composure, reloading the barrel. “I don’t want to. It’s just…” Cameron shook his head. “Look. It’s not my call. You guys’ broke protocol, you should be punished. I don’t make the rules here.”

All I could do was remain silent. I had no way of fighting through these people especially after how they handled Samantha. Lloyd the douchebag just grinned as this was happening, as if enjoying the drama.

“You were also breaking protocol you dick!” Samantha cried out. “Now just because someone else said it’s wrong…”

“Shut up!” Cameron yelled. “You don’t fucking understand. How could you? You left us. I’m doing this for mum. The CEO gave me another chance…”

“After all this time she still has a hold of you,” Samantha cried. “Can’t you see she doesn’t care about us? Cameron, you have to let us out of here.”

“WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MUM?” Cameron yelled. “She apologised.”

“But she does it again and again,” Samantha cried. “Please Cameron…”

“Fellas,” Lloyd said with a smirk. “If you’re all going to be having this sibling feud, I think I might just go ahead and make the order…” he pulled out a phone.

“NO!” Samantha and Cameron said at the same time. All of us lunged towards him but he was too fast. He shot Samantha in the leg and punched me in the face. Cam tried reaching out but he was in the line of fire. The gunshot echoed like the rumble of thunder… the last thing I saw was Samantha reaching out for her brother.

And then the world around me was white. I stood in front of Cameron. A silver figure emerged from the white void.

“I’ll take it from here,” said Mr. Silver.

Cameron stared at me and then back at the silver figure.

“No,” he said.

He grabbed my forehead.

And everything went black.

To be continued…