Dan’s brows softened, and he looked down on me with what I could best call a regretful expression. “If that’s what ya want, I’ll go.” His voice was flat, and he backed a step away. His eyes moved to a point somewhere above my head with a clenched jaw and a distant look.
I wanted to assure him that everything would be fine. That this was the right decision , but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do or say anything after one minute admitting my feelings and the next sending him away. Why hadn’t he tried to fight my decision? Why did he just go along with it if he so clearly didn’t approve? I wanted more than this cold acceptance.
But I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t step forward toward him and take back sending him away to help with a revolution for a city he didn’t actually care about. I had to win no matter the costs because failure was both of our lives.
Henry looked like he approved, and for some reason it made me feel like I had betrayed Dan as Henry said, “That’s a smart decision. We all do what we must to win. I’ve left my wife and children without me behind our lines while I am here building a new future for our city.”
Was Henry wanting to send Dan to the battle lines just to separate us? He wouldn’t do that. He was just assuring us that everyone makes sacrifices. He had to be. Silence warped the space between each of us in its tense fight to determine everyone’s priorities in this fight.
“Then it’s settled,” Daniel’s voice cut the ribbon of silence binding us. “In the morning Norman will take Dan to the front lines. In the meantime, everyone can rest and talk as needed.” His eyes glared at me, reminding me of his earlier words not to ever leave things unsaid. Then he turned and left with Norman following after.
“See you in the morning,” Henry waved and also left leaving just Dan and I like statues next to the table filled with its enemies.
Dan was imobile, not looking at me, not moving, as if waiting for something, but I couldn’t find the words.
Finally, he turned away as if to walk away, and I couldn’t stand the silence anymore. “I’m sorry!” I called after his retreating back.
He looked back at me, “For what?”
“I didn’t want to send you away. I would love to never leave your side. We were separated for so long at the Wall, and I missed you dearly, but we have to win. If our side doesn’t win we both die.” I rambled, trying to explain myself. Trying to bring him back to my side.
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He fully turned back to me, “I disagree with their methods. I think you would be safer behind our forces than hidden in the middle of enemy territory. I think we should have this headquarters near the soldiers fighting for our side. I think you should be able to give speeches to inspire the soldiers. I don’t have a reason to fight for this city. I just want our side to win so you will live. This whole plan is stupid and I think it will get us all killed.”
He knew more about actually fighting than I did. Was I silly to be going forward with their plan? But we couldn’t change things up now. “They had intelligent reasoning behind their plan. And you seemed to agree when we came here.”
“Yes, I did. And maybe that was stupid of me. The more I think about it, the more this plan seems set up for failure. A small house in the woods is much harder to protect from raiders than a house in the village center.” His jaw clenched tightly at the end of his sentence.
“But a house in the center will be what the raiders are aiming to hit. A house in the woods might never be found by the raider.” I reasoned.
His jaw unclenched and he shut his eyes for a moment. Then his brow creased as he looked down at me with lines of thought standing out like grass rippling in a field, “You might be right. But it’s a chance. It’s extremely risky and the other way has less gambling involved. What if the enemy forces guess at our game? What if someone tips them off? This place isn’t highly defensible. It can’t stand up against an enemy attack.”
“Isn’t that the point? The fact that it isn’t defensible should make it beyond the enemy’s reasoning that we would hide here, and if someone tips them off and they come for us, we escape into the tunnels.” I felt the need to reassure him somehow, so I stepped forward and put my hand on his arm. He wrapped me in a hug with the fear of letting go in the strength and grip of the hug.
“Promise me that if you even hear anything strange you will go into the tunnels. They can come and get you if it was nothing.” The breath from his speaking tickled my ear, and then he buried his face in my shoulder.
“I promise. Left, right, and two lefts. That’s the way to the safe room.” It was easy enough to remember. I wouldn’t let him down.
He stood back up straight, and slowly his arms moved, his hands running along my arms till they found my own, and I gripped his hands tightly in my own for just a moment before relaxing my grip. We would survive at all costs. We wouldn’t let this be the end of us.
His lips twisted into a partial smile. “I don’t like this. I really don’t like this plan, but I’ll trust you. With this being said, we both should get some sleep. I’ll see you in the morning.”He pulled his hands away from mine, and turned to leave.
“See you in the morning,” I whispered to him. He turned for just a second with a true smile on his face, waved, and continued toward the door. This time I let him leave.
The adrenaline of the day caught up with me. I did need to sleep. I went to my room, and thought about taking off the armor I was wearing. Dan’s worry echoed in my mind. I had to be ready to leave if anything went wrong. It would be an uncomfortable night in the armor.