Uka shook her head in disbelief.
“I can’t believe the universe provided.” She sighed as a nearly giddy Captain Lawg hastily steered his way through the debris field towards a stray floating chunk of fiberglass and tubing.
“I’ve never been so happy! It’s a D600! Oscilating turbo-jets, quick-change filtering unit. This puppy has a fading illuminating system and sea-foam green topcoat. Look at her, not even a chip. A little polishing compound and a fuse or two and she’ll purr like a chicken.” Lawg barked
“Kitten, you dip-Lawg. Chicken is a food animal. Kittens purr.” corrected Uka.
“And how would you know?”
“Even I know that much, we had chicken a week ago at spaceport 7-11. It was good but it tasted just like mandorian owl, and caloric sand snakes. Basically it just tasted like everything. I was disappointed.” She sighed. Lawg just dismissed it. He had a prize.
“Well prepare your asses for pant-shitting excitement. We just scored ourselves the best find of the decade.” He said gently backing up to the tub so Marley could snag it and pull it into the cargo bay. Uka threw her hands up.
“You said that about the case of sparklers we found 3 days ago. You set the hull on fire. I didn’t know aluminum hulls could burn. Please don’t set the hot-tub on fire.” She begged.
“Oh no I learned my lessons. Sparklers in an oxygen-rich enclosed atmosphere is bad, from now on I stick exclusively to Jupiter screamers and boom-crackers, and they will NOT be set off anywhere near the new tub. Cargo bay only.”
“It didn’t help that you decided to set them off on the wooden front porch. Only you would have a wooden structure in a spaceship.” Marley noted.
“I rubbed it down with duracoat so it wouldn’t get dry and splintery.”
“Duracoat is flammable!! You nearly killed us all with the fumes. There is a reason aerosols are banned on starships.” he reminded.
“We need another crewman.” sighed Uka.
“Why?” asked Lawg.
“I can’t sleep, there is too much to do for 2 people and frankly some of the things are just beyond the skills of a space-bunny and reluctant stowaway.”
“Yes, but we don’t have any way of paying. Professional crewmen are expensive, we can’t keep an android working even if they weren’t so expensive.” He shrugged.
“Maybe we can hire another woman.” she suggested.
“Good point, I’ll make some fliers.” Marley said darting up and running to the kitchen for some paper.
The boys sat elbows down on a plastic tabletop watching most of the people on the space-station pass them by.
He yawned, noticing Marley was dead-asleep.
“Wake up furrball. If I have to sit here and be awake, so do you…unless you wanna help Uka with the cargo.”
“I’m awake, who did we get?” he asked.
“Nobody so far.” He said as people walked by their table as if it wasn’t there. He looked down and noticed a Resume on his hand.
“I must have dozed off for a second too. Looks like we have someone interested.” He said rubbing his eyes.
“Anything good?” Marley asked.
“We may have a winner.” He said with a smirk.
“Considering we have one contestant, I'd say so. I bet the sign details didn’t help. Why are we advertizing that we can't pay?” he asked.
“Eliminating moochers and freeloaders. If they will work for free and take a small cut of the profit as we go…then they won't be mad when we can't pay them regularly. time-saving and honest.” He said reading the paper. Marley leaned over to read.
“Wow, 9 years space mechanic, former captain and pilot for 18 months, experience with cooking and electrical, combat trained, holy shit why does this guy even wanna be near us?” he asked.
“She…Duffy LaCroix.” He grinned.
“You don’t have a concern that she is a bit too perfect? Former captain, now willing to serve as cook and mechanic for a crew like us?” asked suspicious Marley.
“Who cares? Female, cook, desperate. Maybe she got demoted for being too slutty or not following dress code. Maybe she didn’t wear clothes." he smirked.
“On her own ship? How do you get demoted on your own ship? I bet she couldn’t keep a crew and had to sell her ship, or maybe she gambled her ship away or something really dumb like pawning the roof.” He muttered.
“Didn’t hear you, I was picturing our new mechanic. I hope she has her bathing suit, the new hot-tub could use the estrogen.”
“Hey, you got it right this time, estrogen…good for you.” he yawned. A short chubby woman approached the table with a sandwich and very large eyes. A Grinning Lawg waved her away as he drooled over the resume.
“I’m sorry, the auditions are closed, and we found our cook/mechanic."
“Alright, happy to join the crew!” she said saluting very cartoonishly.
“Um, I’m sorry you misheard me…we have someone in mind so we are no longer looking at applications.” He repeated.
“Yep, so we gonna take off now or is there a shift time?”
“You are persistent, and I admire that, but you can’t top this application, so there is no interview and no negotiation. We have our decision.”
“That’s nice, so clearly you don’t get the deal either. Duffy LaCroix.” She said holding out her hand.
“How did you know her name?…you better not be trying to tell me she joined another crew.” He said skeptically. Marley cleared his throat.
“Captain Oblivious…that was a greeting.” said Marley. “SHE is Duffy…probably just came back to see if anyone else put down an app.”
“Did they?” she asked.
“Nope.” Sighed Marley
“Then Captain Duffy LaCroix at your service.” She grinned.
"LaCroix…like the-" asked Marley
"No relation, it's pronounced La-Crow…like THE CROW but way more French."
“No, no this can’t be right…” said Lawg, looking for a word of description to confirm the deception. Not a thing.
“Sir, not to be bold or stuffy but you seem desperate and you have no money, and I am obscenely overqualified, so you don’t have a lot of room to over-think it. You liked the resume didn’t you? Well then…” she answered before he could speak. “Then I assume you are basing your change of decision on my appearance and I assure you I will dress professionally to keep from intimidating the other female crew and distracting you from your Shipley duties.” She winked. “Spaceport 266, right? I’ll get my things.” She said with an awkward spin and a rather peppy rush to her shuttle.
“What the hell just happened?” asked Lawg.
“I don’t claim to know that answer. I think we just hired her, or…she just hired herself to us and we…accepted?” said a confused Marley.
“Ugh, you see the problem? There is always a catch with these people. Perfect credentials and resume and she shows up…” he paused to think of an appropriate word.
“Crazy? Forcefully enthusiastic?” Marley filled in.
“Fat.” He said.
“I’m sorry, did I put up the wrong flier? I thought we needed a mechanic and cook, not a stripper. She clearly knows her food, and if half of these credentials are remotely accurate, she is overqualified. I must have left the “hooker wanted” flier in the kitchen, I’ll go get it.” he said hopping out of his seat.
“I got a bad feeling about her, we need to just leave and try the next station.” He said grabbing his cooler and rushing to the ship. He arrived, assuming he had beaten her to the port, and as he hopped in the cockpit, he checked the com.
“Uka…you on the ship?”
“Yea.”
“How quickly can we take off?”
“I dunno. 2 minutes.” she yelled.
“If you can do it in 90 seconds or less you get a ten percent bonus on the next haul.” He said, hearing the sound of someone rushing to get the airlock sealed.
“Does that apply to me too if I can do it faster?” asked Duffy from the Den. Captain Lawg jumped and fell into the back seat as he tried to grasp the situation.
“You!” he pointed.
“ME!” she said with a little hop and a stance that said “tadaaaa” without needing words.
“How did you get here so quick? I thought you had things to bring from your ship?” he asked.
“No, I had things to bring ON my ship. It’s in the shuttle bay, sorry bout the scuff on the door, kinda cramped in there.” she said hopping in the passenger seat.
“No no no…nobody sits in the Fusion without permission and only if I am too busy to fly this ship myself." he protested.
“So can I fly it, Mister Captain? I don’t know your name yet.” she grinned, like some sort of child who had access to a whole bag of sugar. The ship lifted off as Uka darted to the front for her bonus.
This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it.
“Sorry Captain, 103 seconds. Do I get 5 percent for the effort?” huffed a very winded Uka. “I see you met our new mechanic.” She wheezed, getting her breath.
“There has been a mistake, please pressurize the docking seal so Duffy can leave.
“Let me get this straight…you want to dismiss the only person willing to work for us for basically nothing…a pilot, mechanic, former captain and cook…and I am guessing it is a matter of either gender or proportions.”
“Absolutely not, I just have my doubts she is as qualified as her resume presents. Look at her, she is maybe…25, 35 years old, tops. You think she had her own ship?” he protested.
“Two ships, Captain." Duffy blurted "First ship was the SS Shuttlepod 13. I was Captain for 18 months before she…well there was a situation that was not my fault. Now I Captain the SS Vector 2.” She said.
“A Vector 2 shuttle pod…you were captain of 2 shuttle pods.” He said looking at Uka as if to say “told you”
“Permission to speak bluntly, Mister Captain Sir?” saluted Duffy.
Uka nodded. Lawg shrugged reluctantly.
“You didn’t ask how big of a ship I was captain of. I would have explained it but you didn’t give me the time to. Technically a shuttle pod is only a shuttle if the ship it belongs to has it in the registry. If lost or discarded, a shuttle pod becomes the property of the pilot and if unclaimed for 10 months, it can be registered as an independent vessel regardless of capacity, speed, crew, or cargo. Both shuttle pods were under my legal ownership. I served on both full sized ships as crew before I was given my shuttle pods, so that makes me experienced as a crewman, cook and mechanic for 4 vessels and captain of two.” she finished.
“Good for you…why did both of your last ships decide to give you ownership of one of their shuttle pods…specifically and in detail.” He asked.
“My first ship encountered a technical failure while I was off-ship. The specifics were never found. I was adrift for over a year and I was picked up by the SS Gremlin. I was allowed to keep my ship and a few months later there was an unfortunate attack and I was forced to hide in the Vector 2 when the Gremlin…um…exploded."
“So you have been on two ships that exploded and half of the shuttle ships you owned have exploded as well.” he said looking back at Uka.
“Technically the Shuttle pod imploded, I don’t know if that helps.” She said looking leery.
“She is a jinx. 4 ships, 3 blew up and the other is in our docking bay.” said Captain Lawg. "IN OUR DOCKING BAY!"
“That doesn’t count. I was not on 2 of the ships when they were destroyed and the last 2 blew up together. So none of those were in any way my fault…except the shuttle pod, because technically I did park it in the ship that eventually exploded…my mistake.” she paused.
“Captain. I need to speak freely as well.” said Uka.
“Fine.”
“She may have some bad luck, but she is perfect for the job and you keep telling me to go with the flow. The flow brought us a mechanic/pilot/cook that has more time on a shuttle pod then the men who built them, and she comes with her own ship that happens to fit our rather tiny shuttle bay. I have overlooked things as coincidence but the third time we found a working hot-tub adrift in space I finally agreed that maybe the universe has plans and clearly they now involve Duffy. So if you boot her off the ship you are paddling directly against the flow and as you have said…that is when problems happen. Now the alternative is that you don’t want her around because she is a woman that doesn’t meet your sexist body standards, in which case you will be replacing 2 lost crewmen back on the station because I draw the line somewhere and this is that line. So do we have our 4th crewman or not?” she asked standing firmly in a power-stance.
“Hu… interesting point…definitely a valid argument to consider…but will you object to giving her a fair test of her job duties before we officially assign her a bunk?”
“That sounds reasonable.” Uka nodded.
Lawg rolled his eyes to the back of his head as he slowly chewed a bite of food in what appeared to be a nearly spiritual state of mind. Marley pat his bulbous belly with a look of complete satisfaction with his life.
“No way that was the crap we had in the cargo crates. No way on any planet did that somehow turn into what I just ate.” He moaned. Lawg sighed.
“It’s like a sunset and a Chalupa had a baby and that baby was the chosen one.” said Lawg, almost mystified at how good his food actually was. She smiled.
“So I guess I’m part of the crew now?” she asked.
“Please choose an empty bunk and feel free to use the television at your leisure.” He said taking another bite and almost hitting full-trance mode.
“I’ll be in my ship.” She said skipping along merrily. Uka stopped her and gave her a look, leaning in close.
“What did you put in that food?” she whispered.
“Paprika, seasoned salt, a little bacon fat and about a tab and a half of Ecstasy.” She smirked.
“I would avoid the Captain until it wears off, he is handsy enough when he isn’t on anything. Welcome to the SS Tast-E-Chill.” She said shaking her hand.
“Girl-power.” Whispered Duffy under her breath as she headed to the shuttle bay.
“What?”
“Nothing.” She said looking up and around. “So when do I get the tour? She asked.
“Well, it’s a small ship, so it won’t take long.”
“Sweetie…I spent 18 months in a 14x10 shuttle pod, this is not a small ship by my standards.” Duffy whispered.
“Oookay. So you know the kitchen and the Captain’s Earth-cruiser mobile. Just over here is the den, TV, coffee table, little writing desk and the woodstove.”
“A woodstove?” she asked.
“Yes, an actual cast-iron box the captain uses to burn things in, right next to the carpet and the rug, sometimes he melts edible sugar on a flammable stick and rapidly shakes it until it's no longer on fire so he can eat this edible napalm…also on the carpet.”
“Odd.” She said with a grin.
“Crew Quarters. Standard issue sleeping bunks, pretty typical except the bedding and the wood paneling. Here on the other side of the kitchen we have the main bathroom, it's small and cramped and provides absolutely no sound dampening since it’s made of the thinnest plastic possible. The shower is the same deal. Teleporter, older model. I would avoid it at all costs. This…I don’t know what it is.” She said looking at a strange booth made of wood and pained blue.
“Ancient bathroom?” Duffy pondered.
“Not a clue. Captain says it won’t open. He tried everything and it won't budge. It looks like painted wood but its harder then steel. Makes a gritty noise once in a while so the captain uses it as an alarm clock and a coat-hanger. I think it’s an empty weapon locker, you’ll notice the faded word “police” on the top. Anything that armored was likely weapon storage." Duffy took a knee.
“Oh strange box of mystery. What untold secrets of the universe might you have recorded into your primitive walls?” said Duffy getting oddly philosophical.
“Sure…or a petrified porta-potty. Moving along.” said Uka, unamused. “The captain’s quarters, same bunk beds and plastic enclosure as the others. Here we have the front porch.” She said leading her up the steps of a wooden porch in the middle of the ship.
“But why?” Duffy asked intrigued.
“We just don’t ask anymore. Captain Lawg has a fixation with lumber…no irony there. He just collects Earth junk, whatever floats his proverbial boat and it doesn’t take much to float a Lawg" she smirked.
“Fascinating. Did he find a whole porch and snag it or did he build one from scavenged wood?” she pondered.
“You know…I just don’t know, or care.” Smiled a sarcastic Uka
“Doesn’t it make you think? I mean, if he built it from scraps, this is very impressive, how did he find enough identically worn planks already pre-cut? The consistency of the lumber suggests he found it intact. Imagine an intact wooden structure floating adrift, just sleeping away, and waiting for a crazy Captain with a name befitting a lumber junkie to rescue it. And how did he get it in here? It's 3 times the side of the doors.” She said peering up at the “skylight”
“I never gave it much thought. And yes, above you is an umbrella, apparently they kept rain and weather off you, and we have it currently trapping air where the ship once had a docking port that the captain pawned with 6 other roof sections we now have sealed with our shuttle bay.”
“Wow…I bet it keeps the rain out really good thought.” She said with a look that made Uka unsure weather it was a joke or not. She was afraid to ask.
“And this here is the precious hot-tub. It’s a tub, and it’s hot. There is no other purpose for its existence, it uses a lot of power and weights a ton, but don’t worry…the floor is sagging way less than it appears, I measured it.”
“How tall is the crawlspace?”
“No idea, maybe…4 feet?” Uka guessed
“One of the Chillmax crates would be almost that height. They hold half a ton, so one of them and a few boards would eliminate the sag in the- oooh is that a second bathroom stall?” she said getting oddly excited.
“Uh, yes. Oficially named Fiberglass shit-house number-B. You seem more excited then you should be about that.”
“That is a bathroom for every 2 crewmen, ladies and gentleman’s exclusive bathroom. Not many ships have gender separate bathrooms, we should make signs with the little stick people. One has to have a skirt, it's quirky. You spend 18 months sealed in a ship with no way out and you learn to appreciate redundant systems. When you have one bathroom and no way to repair it you tend to be delicate with the parts and ration your flushes, never know which one represents the final evacuation before a valve breaks and you either become sealed in with your own waste or just slowly evacuating the air until the ship becomes a vacuum and SHoooop…uncomfortable death. Only worse scenario is if you happen to be on the toilet when it happens. Next person to find you finds a mummified corpse frozen both literally and figuratively in the final push of their last and most humiliating personal moment. And that is how you are remembered, “the flusher”, displayed in a museum for another 400 years, no dignity, only shame and discolored skin puckered to, hey where do you find a hot tub in this shape? I always thought the fiberglass would splinter in a vaccum. Guess not, every day is a learning experience, yea definitely run some bio-7 through the toilets every 6 months, prevents pipe corrosion and gravity plating cold spots.” She said wandering ahead. Uka stood there with a slight twitch in her eye, wondering of she just suffered some kind of small stroke or if she was the only sane humanoid in the universe. She paused before continuing her tour guide.
“So the cargo bay is a mess but that’s normal. Crates of whatever we can get and lots of straps and tape. The Captain found a truck full of Survival Green all-purpose tape and about a hundred ratcheting straps a while back so he repairs almost everything with a combination of them. The engine room is on the other side of the airlock corridor and the ladder just outside it goes to the crawlspace and up to the shuttle bay, which you already know, apparently.”
“Yea, sorry about the landing, I really thought I could pull that off. Moment of brilliant stupidity as one would have, calculated the wingspan and the diagonal cargo measurements, forgot when the ship parks it has to rotate back and well, we all learn something new every day, wings are mostly just decorative on most shuttles, few inches off the tip isn’t a problem, you got a welder?” she asked.
“I think so, engine room.”
“Yea, I’ll have that fixed in a Gif, don’t even sweat it, my ship took all the damage, you're just missing some paint, not even pretty paint, “Stellar Grey” if you believe it. Don’t know who decided grayish green was overly stellar. I mean, anything on a ship is kinda stellar but you don’t have “Space grey” toilet paper, it’s just paper maybe it sold better then “cigarette smudge grey” or something.” she said smiling at her own joke and waiting for a reaction. “ya, know…or not, whatev, did they name the hideous pink that this ship is painted on the outside?” Duffy asked.
“Bubblegum delight. I know because we have 3 buckets of paint in the locker for when we run into something. Captain likes his ship “vintage” and “original”, like anyone notices a mark or two.
“Well, you kinda live here…doesn’t that count for something? Scuff or two would go unnoticed but if you never touched it up, the whole ship would look like crap. You have kind of a cynical mannerism, do you get enough fiber?”
“You…why do you care?” asked Uka
“Why don’t you?” she asked. "It's your diet. Lack of fiber can cause depression."
“So the Engine Generator is diesel, we run it on omnifuel and chamber 1 overheats sometimes because it only has 1 vent pipe and in order to fix it we need to shut down the entire engine and we lose power. So when it overheats we just shut that one down and hope it doesn’t explode. And that is the ship.” She finished.
“Sawdust.” She said.
“Excuse me?” she asked a bit confused.
“Fiber substitute. It’s harmless and with this much wood you should have plenty to work with. Anything treated is toxic but if you can burn it safely you can eat it too…and if it's no good to eat then burning it is a bad idea anyway and you'd be better off dying with plenty of fiber, space driftwood is supposed to have vitamin D, sunlight vitamin, bleaches right into the wood. Don’t like the taste myself, of course you could just eat plants and avoid all that…is anyone sleeping in the bunk below the captain’s bunk?” she rattled, inspecting the space.
“No, but I doubt he would be thrilled with that idea.”
“Maybe the mood will determine.” She said looking philosophical again.
“So what was your last Captain like?” asked Uka, trying to be social.
“Technically my last Captain was me and we don’t get alone like we used to…too much forced quality time alone, did you know the average human hallucinates if exposed to an hour of total sensory deprivation. Little flicker bugs on the floor. Bugs can’t get in a shuttle, they’re sealed, silly beaver…but there they are. The paranoia intensifies with time.” Duffy said darkly.
“Um…no I meant the captain you had before you…like any Captain that isn’t just…still you.” she explained.
“Oh yea, good guy. Tall, absolute hunk, arms like deck-cannons. Little on the solitary side, never managed to get him claimed, too much of a free spirit, very entertaining quality. Explore and experience, no fear and no plan…then again the ship got blown up so maybe some form of plan was a good idea, maybe not, the crew will never know. They’re dead, antimatter explosion, just glitter and dust now. Very sad. I wonder if the Captain blames himself?” she pondered.
“Wouldn’t he be dead too if you were the only one to get to a shuttle craft.
“Probably not. He was a tough son of a bitch. My guess is he just grabbed a piece of debris and rode the wave into the night like a surfer of the stars…or maybe he died, I like the first one better. I try and stay positive in the unknown scenarios. His species could survive in the vacuum of space for a long time so I can either assume he got flung into some interesting space station and lived a merry life or that he just got thrown into nothingness, fully conscious and slowly losing his mind. Without air in space there would be no sound and remember kids…sensory deprivation and excessive solitude leads to neural problems. Damn he was gorgeous. You know the space bugs I mentioned, you know what they really are? Neutrinos, invisible particles so small they pass right thought the hull and make your eyeballs flicker when they pass through your corneas. That’s what my grandpa told me. Well, enough about me, I'm a bit tired, I better find my bunk and get cozy. I wanna be good and fresh for tomorrows first day on a new ship. Is the Captain single?" she asked.
"Perpetually so. Best of luck."
"You two aren't…like, I don’t wanna step on toes if you're secretly testing the structural integrity of the bunks or anything." she hinted.
"Oh I assure you…you have no competition on this ship except the tail he finds on shore-leave."
"Okay DIBS!" she hollered, crawling into the bunk on the bottom and shutting the door.
"I may have made a mistake." sighed Uka, shuffling off to her own bunk.