“I hate this.” Groaned Zeph, gearing up like he was going into battle.
“Oh quit bitching.” Gizzy sighed. “It’s a snail, not a damn Alpha Thark, we just grab it and stuff it in a barrel.”
“It’s a 300 pound snail with tentacles. That’s some hentai shit right there. What if it grabs my balls!?”
“Zeph, first off, what the hell are you watching? Secondly, it’s worth a lot of money, and it’s in your girlfriend’s pool. Jack would have fought that thing to the death for Vicki when they first started dating.”
“He’s a trained killer! I’ve killed what…12 people? And that was in one night, I didn’t know what I was doing, humans die super easy and they had Dee. So yeas obviously I’m gonna fight the Hentai Boss monster for Dee, but I’m not happy about it. They’re nasty, I don’t like tentacles.”
“Well the big females are rare, and we need them breeding in the tunnels, not in people’s pools. So we’re gonna move it, not fight it. It’s not a final boss sex monster, it’s an animal, protecting its babies, just trying to live. And we’re gonna move it to a safe place until it’s too old to breed, and then we’re gonna cut it up into steaks, and it’s gonna be delicious, and you’ll find out you like tentacle, just once it stops moving and gets a nice char on the outside. Maybe some butter, oregano, little garlic powder, some Tony C’s seasoning. Stop acting like a scared child. You’re an armored biomech demigod moving a big slippery critter to a plastic bin. It’s gonna be fine.”
“Okay, but I get to bring Dee out of quarantine to my place after.”
“Why?”
“Clubs are on lockdown, your orders, her place is full of snails, I can’t get my thang on in a dank cave with like 5 other people and no doors. I need routine tang. or I get stupid and jittery.”
“You’re stupid and jittery normally!”
“See? I need every bit of tang I can get.”
“Zeph, I swear to Odin if you say TANG one more time, You’re gonna be fighting a new boss monster, and it won’t have tentacles. It’s just gonna kick you in the ass a lot.” Gizzy snarled.
“Okay fine! Geese. Can I stay there the night at least?”
“Yea, you can have your…hall pass. But just between your place and here, and don’t make it every day. No stops, no exploring, take the tunnels, the surface is still a bug shitstorm. If anyone catches you, I did not give you permission, and that’s it, hall pass revoked. You want tang, you order it online in plastic buckets, in power form, like the astronauts on Earth did. Is that understood?”
“Yep." He nodded. “Yes Ma’am.” He added.
“Good. Now, don’t drink the pool water. The big females have a thousand times the slime secretions and she’s been marinating in that pool for days so it’s basically 2 percent LSD at this point."
“So am I gonna get a contact high from handling it?” he asked.
“Probably.”
“Nice. So who we taking this to?” he asked.
“Your sister wants it.” she yawned.
“So she gets a drug pet?”
“First of all, she has experience raising these things, and she knows how to care for them, and we need her spawning babies, healthy and protected. And yes, she is also 100 percent getting high off the byproducts. You should have taken a Xenobiology class, but you’re weirded out by tentacles so here we are.”
“Yea that’s fair.” He shrugged, taking off his gloves. “Let’s get this big bitch in a bucket.” He smiled.
Nicole ran full sprint, the long sleeves of her sweater flapping past her fingertips as she slid her socks across the stone floor.
“What’s going on?” Dee asked, looking worried.
“No time to explain, chaos impending.” She said, looking almost giddy as she grabbed a plastic shovel from the closet and began sliding her legs into a pair of work pants and rubber boots.
“Do I need to worry?”
“Nope. Everything is fine.” She grinned, running to the basement tunnel entrance and opening it, spraying back the snails with air duster and closing it.
“Nicole! Why are you going…” Dee paused, looking lost and alarmed.
Nicole waded her way up the stairs and into the mansion’s basement, still overrun with snails. She plopped the shovel down in front of her, acting like a mostly human snowplow, and clearing an area to the elevator that lead down to the poolroom. She got in and gently bumped the control button to lower it, just enough to see through the crack between the roof of the poolroom and the elevator floor. She settled in, pulling her hair back and applying a shower cap for the show.
The Big momma snail and thousands of babies filled the pool, as the sound of a complaining Zephyr grew gradually louder, and Both Gizzy and Zeph appeared at the far end of the poolroom with a large plastic barrel.
“Man, these shits are everywhere!” he muttered, stopping as the big momma peaked from her watery nest. Nicole’s phone made a buzzing sound and she picked up.
“Where are you, is everything okay?” Vinn asked nervously.
“I’m in the mansion elevator watching the imminent shitstorm that is Zeph versus giant momma snail.” She grinned.
“Is that safe?”
“I’m in a safe spot.”
“Isn’t the elevator covered in snails?” he asked.
“Well, SOME snails, they’re just snails. Oh, they’re about to move her, you wanna watch?”
“Shit yes, I wanna watch, point the camera through the thing and zoom in. are you recording?”
“Absolutely.” She nodded, flattening out and positioning her camera as a tiny snail made its way across the bar above it.
“Alright Zeph, this should be easy. I’m gonna lure it out and when she gets close, you run up and we both just grab her, stuff her into the barrel, lid on, carry her back up.”
“How you gonna lure her out?”
“Like this.” She said, grabbing handful s of babies and plopping them into the bucket, The Momma slowly made her way to the edge of the pool, red and black striped shell breaching the surface behind the two antennae.
Nicole watched carefully.
The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.
“And here we have the Mother snail and her offspring in her natural habitat, facing down the mighty predator and her own offspring. A territory dispute, often ending in death and bloodshed. Who will survive this encounter, as nature’s fury pits two mothers head to head on this episode of Unnatural Geographic.”
“That’s right bitch.” Gizzy snarled. “I got your babies, and I’m gonna fry em in butter, what are you and your slimy ass gonna do about it?”
“Do snails have asses?” Zeph asked.
“I don’t know, get into position.” She muttered as the snail lifted up and extended its neck and body from the water. “The moment it leaves the water, run behind it, and we just rush it from both sides.”
“This plan sucks.” Zeph grumbled. The shiny yellow flesh stretched out over the tiles, pulling the shell up from the water. Zeph rushed in, slipping on the wet tile and landing on his ass right next to it. Suddenly, it reared up, letting out a high shriek as 6 large red tentacles sprang forth and from the underside, grabbing him and rolling back into the water, taking Zeph with it. Gizzy rolled her eyes and ran to the edge as the battle raged on. Zeph popped up, fading from a gurgle to a panic scream as his head dunked in and out of the water.
“IT’S TOUCHING MY FACE!” he screamed.
“GRAB THE ARMS!” Gizzy yelled.
“IT HAS MORE THAN I DO!” he argued, flailing and slapping at it.
“IT CAN’T HURT YOU, DUMBSHIT! GRAB TWO TENTACLES AND STAND UP!” she yelled as she hopped in, wading her way to the back and grabbing the shell.
“IT’S NASTY!” he protested.
“Quit being a bitch, it’s just tentacles.” She said, pulling it out of the water and heading to the edge. The tentacles let go of Zeph and plunged under the water, yanking Gizzy’s feet out from under her. Zeph bravely dove under and popped back up, both arms now wrapped in tentacles. Gizzy stood up, looking angry as it turned to face her, hissing. She hissed back louder, palming it by the head like a basketball and dragging it and Zeph stumbling towards the tile. They wrestled it up and onto the surface, sliding and scooting to the barrel as one tentacle grabbed it and knocked it over. It began rolling slowly away.
“SON. OF. A. BITCH.” Gizzy barked as the barrel slowly made its way into the pool and began sinking. She let go and went for it, the free tentacles flailing and wrapping her holding arm. She heaved the half full barrel to her and began trying to shove it in. It shrieked, and so did Zeph, kicking his legs frantically.
“WHAT!?” she asked.
“There’s one in my pant-leg.” He whimpered, twisting and kicking to fling it out.
“They’re snails, not Neptunian cockbiters, just keep your shit together, boy.” Gizzy yelled.
Nicole flattened down, fixated on the action as Vinn watched on his phone and munched some popcorn, Jack and Vicki on either side, Dee leaning over his shoulder.
“This is the best thing I’ve ever seen.” Vinn said, shoveling more food and deep in the drama. Nicole zoomed in and adjusted slightly as one of the snails slid up her arm.
“Go away.” She whispered, blowing to scare it off, as it slunk along and back into the floor as casually as a sloth on Quaaludes.
“I’m goin down!” Zeph yelled, dunking under the water and almost pulling Gizzy over, freeing a hand to dig in his pants.
“WHY!?” She barked. “Why are you going under?” he surfaced and fastball pitched the baby snail away with gusto.
“Got too close to my nads.”
“I told you to wear work jeans. That is on you.” Gizzy growled, “Oh fuck this shit.” She said, yanking a hand free and digging in her belt holster, retrieving a syringe and biting off the protective cap. “You brought this on yourself!” she yelled, jabbing it and giving it a sedative dose.
“Why do I feel really warm…did it pee?” Zeph asked with a look of horror.
“That’s the snail slime drug effect. You got it in your mouth, didn’t you?” she asked.
“I had tentacles everywhere, I wasn’t holding my breath.”
“For fuck’s sake, get it in the barrel already.” She said, shoving it inside and reaching for the lid. She hopped up and out of the water as tentacles went back for Zeph.
“Yea slime me, hoe! I’m not afraid of you anymore. I can’t feel shit.” He barked like an alpha male, punching at the flapping tentacles. Gizzy heaved up the barrel, sloshing it over and dumping water everywhere as Zeph slipped and struggled to get out of the pool at all, one arm wrapped in writhing red suckers.
“LID!” she yelled. Zeph grabbed it, slamming it down, and the two of them spent the next 5 minutes playing a game of shove the tentacle into the barrel and close the lid before another one pokes out. Finally they won, latching it shut as the barrel shuttered and thumped to the echo of shrieks and slamming.
“I thought you dosed it?” he asked, wiping his face to get the snot-like goop off. He was covered in a mucus-like layer of it.
“I did, doesn’t seem to be enough. I didn’t wanna overdose it and kill the thing, it’s too valuable to kill.” Gizzy said, blowing her nose and raking slime off her own face.
“We got it.” He grinned, eyes glowing green.
“Yep.”
“You high as shit?” he asked.
“Little bit.” Gizzy nodded.
“Nice.” He bobbed, slipping and falling back onto the tile as Gizzy got her phone out, struggling to use it through the goop.
“Yep, bring the crew. We got her. I need cleanup guys in hazmat suits, shop vacs, shovels, about 10 barrels, and 3 T-bone steaks, rare, truffle, black pepper, butter basted. Actually bring 5, Zeph is gonna want something, his munchies are already kicking in."
“God this room is so bright.”
“And 2 gallons of gatoraid, I don’t give a shit what flavor.” She said as Zeph staggered around and dialed Dee on his phone.
“Hey Girl…basement bathroom, 2 minutes, slimesex.”
“NO!” she yelled.
“Okay, fine, I’ll shower first, then regular sex.”
“You’re high as hell.”
“Right? Is this not the point? Your voice sounds weird, can you sing a song real fast? Hello? She hung up on me.”
“Boy, keep your shit together, stop acting like you never tripped balls before.”
“I really want snowcones right now. Like 5 snowcones.”
“I got food coming, just get away from the water.
“I love you, mom. You’re not the best ever, but you’re pretty okay.”
“Shut up.” She snipped.
Zeph sat on the couch, dry and looking awkward as Dee stood and judged him.
“You realize I was high, right?”
“No kidding.”
“It’s not my fault I got face tentacle’d and shit. I did that for you. You’re welcome.”
“You did that to get high, and Gizzy made you do it.”
“Yep, ya got me there. Let’s not make this weird, okay?”
“It’s already weird.”
“Well yea, with THAT attitude, it’s gonna be. Dee sometimes a man has needs, and he gets drugged and blurts shit out. That’s just life. You roll with that. That’s how I roll sometimes.”
“Oh, you rolled all right, I saw the whole thing.”
“Did it look badass?”
“No.” she admitted.
“You know, for a pornstar you suck at flirting.” He scoffed, drinking his gatoraid and shaking his head. He stood up and trudged away. “Savin your ass and fighting seamonsters and shit, oh thank you, Zeph, let me just lie and say you looked brave and cool doing it. You’re such a good friend and stuff.” He said in a high pitch, girly voice as he hit the gym.
“Hey, I’m sorry!” she yelled as he kept going.
Zeph ditched the shirt and started randomly doing deadlifts with zero skill or clue how to do them correctly.
“Hello?” asked a female voice, sending him turning and dropping the weights.
“What…who the shit are you? How many people live here?”
“I’m Clutch, I’m new.” She said.
“Okay.” He said trying to play it cool, still watching the door for Dee and trying to flex shirtless in case she came in to apologize.
“That’s pretty impressive. What are you?” she asked.
“I’m Zeph, I’m Gizzy’s son.” He said casually, still staring at the door.
“You seem distracted, and your form is completely wrong.” She said, approaching him.
“I mean, it works.” He shrugged, lifting again.
“Yea, but you look silly.” She said, trying to move his hand and getting awkwardly close, looming over him like a furry statue, “You’re really strong for your size.” She said.
“Oh shit, it’s not like that. I know I look like a prime cut and irresistible, but I thought I was alone and kinda thought Dee would follow me here, and…that doesn’t seem to be happening. Do I stink or something? I showered twice, do I smell like seafood or something?” he asked.
“You’re trying to impress the human?” Clutch said, scrunching her nose. “Why?”
“I dunno. She’s kind of a freak, and I got a weakness for that. She seriously not following me at all? Man, I just fought a giant anime boss in her pool. What gives? Why am I striking out here?” he said, looking baffled and annoyed.
“Maybe she’s just intimidated by the muscles and you being so much bigger and stronger than her. Some girls just talk a big game and don’t back it up.” suggested Clutch
“Oh, she backs it up, I’ve seen her videos. That girl can back up, drop it, flip it and reverse it.”
“I don’t know what that means, but she doesn’t seem so interested. Here, at least let me show you how to lift properly, you’re gonna hurt your back doing it that way.”
“Nah, I’m not really a gym guy, I’m just faking it to get her horny and as an excuse to pop the shirt off. That clearly worked great. The fuck is my shirt?" he said, looking around for where he threw it.
“So you don’t even lift, and you can lift that?” she asked. “At your size?” she gasped.
“Hey, what the hell? I’m running a low power body right now, I’m normally 7 foot 3.”
“You’re funny. Sorry, I didn’t mean to belittle you. I’m just kinda oversized.” She shrugged. “So you’re Osirian? Are you guys like…kind of gods?”
“Yea basically. Right now I’m like the god of dropping the ball and lookin stupid. Kinda feels like my natural form. They’re gonna be carving that into monuments at some point. Zephyr Claybourne Greggarious…god of just screwin shit up. Trademarked.” He added.
“Or you could be the god of comedy.” Smiled Clutch.
“I think that’s already taken. I’d have to fight him for it.” he yawned. She giggled and sat down. “You ever fight anyone, like for real?” she asked.
“Took down a Delmarian with a gun last week. Dickhead shot me 3 times, I’m not gonna let that slide.”
“Seriously?” she asked. “You’re not joking.”
“Rescue mission, hero shit. Big guy got in the way and wouldn’t move, had to fold him.”
“Holy shit, you killed a guy? A Delmarian?”
“Well yea. He was a bad guy and he shot me. I had a Dee to rescue, didn’t have time to dick around. Hit me in the head, that shit hurts. Not cool.”
“So what’s your mom like…tell me everything.” She smiled sinisterly, getting comfortable.