“I don’t understand.” Gizzy yelled, pounding the council table. “We got 23 attractive female influencers promoting Snail products and preorders are STILL that low?”
“People don’t wanna eat snails.” Said the white rabbit.
“Hot influencer chicks on the internet got people to eat literal laundry detergent gushers back on Earth, how can we not get gourmet seafood trending? Do I have to twerk? Answer me! Do I have to twerk?” she snarled.
“I think we need someone more, likeable…sorry, no disrespect, that was the wrong word. Someone relatable…young. We need someone young. Preferably Delmarian.” Said the female council member.
“With all due respect, General One-fang, where the hell do I find a young Delmarian girl with no parents or guardians who are gonna oppose me exploiting their little girl for internet views? They don’t grow on trees.”
“Then you should start looking, or just use your pet humans. They’ve become quite famous, or infamous, across the moon. Perhaps Vinn in a dress can get some attention.” She chuckled.
“You laugh, but after the kidnapping incident, Dee’s views have been on the rise. Nicole is an interracial icon right now and building a social media presence, and Vicki…”
“You were saying.”
“Well she’s cute and also there. So why not?” she shrugged. "Someone find me a female Delmarian Orphan with at least a reasonably impressive following online. And after last season, I should have to say this, but I’m going to…find one WILLINGLY COOPERATIVE.” She said, staring at the old red council member, whose suspicions in the human slave trade were neither proven nor disproven.”
Vicki, Nicole, Dee, and Gizzy sat around a table, all on one half of it, as a small camera crew set up.
“So,” Dee paused, looking at Gizzy. “You want us to eat snails for the internet?”
“Yea, what’s the problem? Snails and snail products. We’re about to run very low on chicken and egg supplies, as well as some protein rations and food thickeners, and we have to substitute with snail products. I’m paying influencers to TRY snail products for propaganda media.” Gizzy said quietly.
“Why just us girls, why are the boys not eating…wha- fucking snail cereal?” Dee winced.
“Because Snailey’Os are a good source of calcium, and it gets rid of shells in a useful manner, and nobody on the internet wants to see men eat anything. 4 guys eating snails and throwing up gets mediocre views, but it doesn’t make anyone wanna buy snails. Now, 4 hot women eating snails gets more views, and then men wanna try snails. It’s basic food-video content, except it makes all of us money and pads the egg shortage.”
“What happened to all the eggs?” asked Vicki.
“Snails are eating them like crazy. The chickens too.”
“So, hold up.” Nicole pondered looking lost. “Why are there suddenly so many snails?”
“Just eat the damn snail products. Do you wanna get paid or not, because this is voluntary, but the editors are only keeping the footage of you enjoying the snail products and whatever run time you get in the final release determines your pay. So enjoy it or pretend to enjoy it. Otherwise, don’t get paid. Welcome to the internet.”
“Oh this is just gross.” Dee said, sniffing a spoonful of Snailey-Os.
“Oh, quit being babies, it’s just food.” Gizzy said.
Nicole opened wide for a heaping spoonful of snail eggs, bracing and fading from hesitant to intrigued as she chewed.
“Ya know…honestly.” She said with a cheek full.
“Oh, don’t tell you like it.” Dee sighed. “It’s little balls of unborn snails”
“Dee, out of all the weird shit you have put into your mouth, alien and ball related specifically, both for money and just because you were drunk, you’re gonna judge me for alien caviar?” said Nicole with an attitude. “This is basically just big green caviar; it’s just got a mushroomy earthy aftertaste. It’s really not that bad. I could genuinely get down with this.”
“God, it’s just…it’s so green.” Dee complained as Vicki took a sip of the protein shake. She made a strange face and went in again.
“It’s not good, but it’s not…terrible?" Vicki winced.
“Here, try it with some red sauce.” Gizzy said, sliding her a bottle. She added a dollop, shook it up and looked surprised by the improvement.
“Why didn’t I get condiments?” Dee asked, snagging the bottle and starting to pour some on her caviar cracker.
“Dee, don’t eat that.” Gizzy sighed. “It’s sauce for Vicki…she’s a vampire… It’s human blood and thick-it.”
“Oh for fuck's sake!” Dee shrieked, recoiling her hands and scooting back, now in even more disgust.
“Hey, chill your tits. I got you special condiments too to fit your special diet.”
“What diet? I’m just human. I don’t consume anything especially weird.”
“It’s a margarita with snail powder.” Gizzy sighed.
“Oh.” She smirked a little, eyeing it coyly. “Well, you should have led with that.” She said sipping her Escargorita. “Nope, it’s still bad. There’s so much snail.”
“Dee, can you try to have fun here?” Nicole asked. “We’re getting paid to try cool shit before anyone else does, if it’s gross it’s still interesting, it’s an experience. And some of it’s actually good.”
“How’s the snail sushi?” Gizzy asked.
“Flavor wise this is bomb sushi…” Nicole said, still chewing “But it’s chewy as hell and once the rest of the roll breaks down to mush, it’s basically just wet snail rubber.”
“Yea, we gotta try grinding it into paste and making a nugget equivalent strip.”
“Like a chicken McSlugget?” Vicki said, trying the caviar on a cracker and looking like it was tolerable.
“Marketing will handle the name, they can do better.” Gizzy said, horking down a big slab of snail steak drenched in garlic butter.
“Oh, this is the way.” Nicole nodded, doing the same. “Garlic butter snail fillet…this is just awesome.”
“Oh…” Vicki perked up. “That is surprisingly pleasant.”
Stolen story; please report.
“Yea.” Gizzy nodded. “Unfortunately, the tentacle meat is sorta rare to get because only the big female snails guarding the nests grow tentacles.”
“The fuck, did we just say?” Dee jumped. “Snails with tentacles? BIG snails? If that big chunk is just part of a tentacle…how big are the damn snails?”
“This one, around 350 pounds, We cage fed it to maximum size.” Gizzy shrugged. “That’s where you get the good shit. Little garlic butter and salt, that’s just quality seafood.”
“So…” Dee blinked. “I have not seen a single snail since I have lived here, in years, and now all of a sudden there’s an industry for giant monster snails with tentacles? Are we getting invaded by another alien pest or something?” She asked loudly.
“No…no. These are being released intentionally. Also, if anyone starts to feel any psychedelic effects, vivid colors, mild euphoria, kinda like a weed and Percoset combo but with visual effects, let me know immediately.” Gizzy said, as the other 3 all stopped chewing and went silent. Nicole slowly resumed eating, while Dee and Vicki froze in worry.
“I didn’t say you would. It’s extremely unlikely, just be aware if you do…it’s totally safe. And if you do get the effects and really like it, there is about to be a huge market for snail drugs, just FYI.”
“HA!” giggled Nicole. “You’re not joking, are you?” she said, with a hint of concern to her laugh.
“No. Anyway it’s a small price to pay for not having the bugs, the snails are edible, they’re generally not dangerous or aggressive, the territorial females only guard the nests deep under the volcanic water pools, where humans shouldn’t be going anyway, and the overdose toxicity for snail slime drugs is just obscenely high. Just like the people taking the snail drugs. Technically it’s safer than the booze in your fridge, just, WAY more interesting."
“Okay, so hear me out…” Nicole smiled nervously. “Snail drug D and D session, for scientific research, of course. We stream it for content.” She paused as Gizzy sighed.
“I’m not providing drugs, in fact we plan to regulate and suppress it, but it will absolutely still end up on the market, and we’ll probably just make it the kind of illegal that gets you a small fine. We’re trying to limit the boom, not kill it entirely and piss everyone off. Why is nobody eating more snail?” Gizzy shrugged as Dee glared at her.
“You know, some days I remember that opening my big stupid mouth about aliens existing, is why I’m now trapped on an alien moon eating snails. So I hate myself today.” Smiled Dee sadly. “But I feel like you make it needlessly more difficult.”
“You know…” Gizzy sighed, looking annoyed. “If you ate more snail, maybe the euphoria would counteract that annoying guilt that you somehow make fun for everyone. You realize we gotta cut all this conversation out of the video. The more bitching we do, the shorter the video will get, and the more we smile and eat snail junk food, the more runtime money you make. So…” she said, turning to the camera. “Welcome to 4 hot chicks put weird stuff in their mouths!” she winked. “I swear to Odin, Dee, if you were scowling in that clip I’m kicking you off the set, and you get nothing.”
“I already ate nasty snail shit.” She gasped.
“Then someone better smile.” Vicki said, blushing with a big chubby cheeked grin, holding up the cereal box. “Yay, so delicious.”
“UUGH.” Dee heaved, spitting into her bucket. “Four hours eating snail food. I probably make almost as much doing an evening stream showing my crack on livechat, and it’s more fun.”
“Just stop complaining,” Vicki sighed. “We’re helping the problem and making money, You’re an online model…it’s content, we’re getting people to normalize new foods so we don’t run out of supplies. Nicole, are you still eating the snail stuff?” she asked. She paused like a deer in the headlights, feeling judged.
“It’s free seafood, you’d pay top dollar for tentacle at any Asian place. I’m not wasting it.” she scoffed with a mouthful and a chuckle.
“I can’t with you bitches sometimes.” Dee shook her head.
“Alright ladies, here’s your checks.” Gizzy said handing them out.
“Holy sheeit.” Vicky gasped, “let me know when we get to shoot a video eating cats or something.” She chuckled.
“Hey, this is crap.” Dee objected. “I made 200 bucks?” I make more than that in tip donations in 4 hours shaking my tits”
“You only made 200 bucks?” Vicki muttered, folding her check and discreetly ticking it into her shirt.
“Did I get less?” Dee asked.
“Well…” Gizzy explained. “After cutting out all your complaining and gagging noises, you only had 14 seconds of screen time in an 18-minute sponsored video."
“Wh- but what if I hold the cereal box up on my channel and point to the logo with my tits out?”
“Fine,” Gizzy sighed. “We’ll cut you a percentage, but if you say anything negative about the product at any point, you have to pay us back double. Can you do a full stream with the box in the shot and NOT accidentally complain about Snailey’Os?”
“Fuck, gimme the 200 bucks.” She muttered.
Nicole laid on the couch, Vinn’s arm around her and his chin resting on her head.
“Vinn…”
“Yea.”
“Do Delmarians ever eat humans?”
“Nope.”
“Not ever?” she asked, “I mean…we’re aliens to each other. People eat other animals every day, you guys definitely eat meat. There IS a food shortage.”
“The hell is this conversation? You have a nightmare or something?”
“No, I just get morbid thoughts and start wondering. Do I ever just look like a little piece of meat to you?” she asked.
“Well, avoiding the figurative technicality here, no, I do not look at you and think, Hmm, I’d love to pop her in the oven. Honey, play biting is a Delmarians thing, It’s more nibbling, I can just stop doing it. We don’t take chunks out of each other, we’re not cannibals.”
“That’s my point, it’s not even cannibalism if you’re another species and you’re a larger carnivore. I was even vegetarian for a while. I’m small, I may as well be prey species on the Delmar food chain. You never look at a human and wonder what they’d taste like?”
"Nicole, when I started saying you were a little snack, I didn’t mean that in the scary way, I meant it in the horny way. I heard it on the internet. I thought humans said that as a metaphor for bangin. Like ‘you look like a snack or a treat’ sounds cuter than ‘you look submissive and breedable today’ or something.”
“Both kinda hot, actually. I heard Osirians used to eat humans.”
“Oh absolutely, that’s a real thing. Like if we ever break up, do not date an Osirian, they might actually eat you. That’s not a joke. They did that for a long time. If one of them says you look like a snack, they’re not being cute and frisky, you need to find a hiding spot. Osirians are a whole different level of apex predator. But as far as I know, Delmarians have never eaten humans as a thing.”
“What about in a survival situation? Like if I died first and we were on a deserted island.”
“Okay, new rule, no more binging serial killer documentaries before bed.”
“But I like scary documentaries, they fascinate me, and make me sleepy.”
“You are a weird little creature and truly a thing of wonder, but sometimes I genuinely think if I wasn’t around you’d end up flirting with a bear.”
“VINN…that’s just gross.”
“Your clone dated Hyde. How far off from a grisly bear is he exactly?”
“Quit it. Let’s just get up and get some breakfast.”
“Left or right thigh?” he joked, playfully slapping her upper leg.
“Technically, the butt has the most muscle.” She said, moving his hand up.
“Nope. That’s it. We’re never leaving the couch again. It’s too dangerous and you’re too edible. You live here now. Sorry, them’s the rules. You can never get up again. No, don’t struggle. It’s for your own good.” He said as she giggled and tried to squirm away, realizing she actually couldn’t and his arm weighed nearly as much as her. She managed to wiggle around in a circle, now facing 180 degrees around and staring directly at him. She got a handful of his beard and pulled him down to the right level for a kiss, leaning in and planting one.
“Well, If I’m stuck here forever, we may as well address the bathroom problem.”
“Damnit, this is like the worst game of chicken ever. You are bluffing, right? Because I’m super comfy and don’t wanna get up yet.”
“What if I have to pee?”
“Okay you win. Nobody’s pissed on the brand-new couch, I wanna be able to say that for the lifespan of the couch. We’re getting up. Alarm goes off in 15 minutes.”
“Noooo. Too comfy. I could hold it for 15 minutes.”
“After a full week of you nagging me to squeeze you harder when we cuddle, not risking it. Don’t make me pick you up.”
“Fuck. Okay, we’re getting up, BUT…only if you don’t tell me I can still watch serial killer shows before bed.”
“I refuse to believe all human girls are this bizarre, but fine, you can get up and scare yourself before bed. Happy? Now get that tiny hairless ass moving, and next time you have a nightmare and start asking about eating people, I might just suddenly engulf your whole damn head and scare the shit out of you.” He threatened. She raised her eyebrows and bit her lip.
“You people are gross.” Hollered a female voice.
“Aaaand the teenager is awake.” Sighed Nicole. “Always wanted a kid in my house. Fantastic.”
Clutch sat in her makeshift room, looking at a picture of Kraken from the military graduation ceremony and wiping a tear from her eye. The laptop next to her made the video call notification sound, and she answered it.
“Is this line secure?” asked a female Delmarian voice.
“I think so, mom.” She nodded.
“That’s still General One-Fang to you. You haven’t earned the right to call me mom yet.” She coldly replied. “Have you infiltrated the house?”
“Yes. I’ve confirmed the secondary target, primary target has not showed up yet.” She answered.
“Good work, soldier. Your father would be proud.”
“Would he?” she asked.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing, I mean, I haven’t succeeded at my mission yet. That’s all.”
“You will. And make sure to do it quickly. You turn 8 in just over a week, and you can legally challenge him, but not lose sight of the primary objective. Understand?” she asked.
“I understand.” She nodded, signing off and closing her laptop, hiding the picture of Kraken in her bag and regaining her composure.