“We’re SOO glad we got a real therapist in this house.” Vicki sighed.
“Well, I’m flattered, but it says here you’ve had an in-home therapist for 3 months?” said a nicely presented lizard in a suit and glasses.
“Well technically Gizzy has 2 therapy degrees, but she didn’t mention it’s in Osirian and Delmarian, not human. Apparently her shit works if you’re one of those, but Osirians are thousands of years old and a very small population, so everyone’s screwed and married everyone, and their concept of privacy is a little different. Like for the Christmas party we had, she showed alien porn on the projector, which was already weird, but she then spiced in security cam sex scenes of all of us and added music and special effects. Said it was an Osirian tradition among joined houses to promote openness, and now everyone knows what everyone’s genitals look like. Dee thought it was funny as hell, but she’s a pornstar, so her content was already online. I’m still traumatized by seeing myself up there performing to the ACDC soundtrack for “Big Jack” played over top, because our security footage didn’t have good audio.”
“Well that’s horrifying. So, has it caused any problems between the house members?” Therapy lizard asked.
“Not…really. We did eventually laugh about it. Oh fucking Damnit, did it actually somehow bring us all closer together or some shit?” she sighed, facepalming and giving up on life.
“I don’t know that I would personally recommend that method, but she does have ways of accomplishing her goals…damn the consequences.” She sighed. Vicki gave her a suspicious look. “Yes, I did a dissertation on her couple’s therapy book. It’s widely considered either brilliant or clinically insane. Would you say you are now more comfortable with your sex life or less comfortable?” she asked reptillianly.
“Don’t make me fire you.” Vicki softly muttered.
“You’re fired, get out of my house.” said the Gizzyrobot, barging into the locked room.
“Excuse me?” the therapist said with an attitude. “This is a shared house of 5 people with privacy rights, and they are privy to a proper therapist.”
“Legally the robot is considered a built-in feature, so when I’m off the charger I’m the 6th member of this house and I feel unsafe with a security risk having someone I don’t know talking about confidential details in my home. Also, here is a legal contract for 30 thousand credits, valid if you never step foot on this property again. Breach of that contract will result in you having to pay back the entire amount within 2 months, with interest.”
“You have a very pleasant day.” Therapy lizard smiled, shaking Gizzy’s hand and accepting the contract and envelope of money, signing and leaving abruptly.
“What the hell?” Vicki said. “You can fire our therapist!”
“We have a security situation, and I can technically do whatever I want. You see how fast she took the money? What if I was someone else and offered her that money to tell me confidential information regarding this house and operations. This is why we have a list of pre-approved therapists to choose from.”
“They’re all just you with different accents.” Vicki argued.
“No…3 of them are just me with different accents. I was clear about that on day 1. There are 2 on the list that are entirely different people, using the surrogate therapy bot so they can be monitored.” Gizzy scoffed.
“Well, get ready to be overwhelmed with sessions again, because we got a new housemate and Nicole is about to be in here every day complaining about it.”
“What new house member? Is Zeph moving in?” Gizzy sighed.
“I hope not.” Vicki mumbled.
Gizzy sat cross-legged, in her full sized Osirian form, where she blocked the TV in Vinn’s Den, staring at him and Nicole on the couch.
“So you invited someone to live here without consulting me?” she asked.
“It’s our home.” Nicole objected.
“Technically the land is still mine and since this house is made out of a mine and dug out of the land I do have some legal ownership.”
“I was going to tell you today, actually.” Vinn cringed.
“You know after everything that’s happened, we have a strict policy about all guests signing a form before coming over or staying the night, let alone movi-” she froze as Clutch walked behind them and waved at her. “Hello?” Gizzy asked her.
“Oh sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt.” She said, still eyeing her phone and glancing up to do a double take. “Oh my gods…You’re Gizzy! I’m like such a huge fan.”
“You’re the new guest?” she squinted.
“Well, just for a while, if that’s okay.” Clutch winced nervously.
“Welcome to Case De Vendetta, you can stay as long as you want.” She smiled cheerfully. Nicole and Vinn faded to a look of confusion. “Scratch that conversation, class dismissed, as you were soldiers.” She said, getting up and strolling along with Clutch as she made her way to the kitchen.
“… I don’t like what just happened even slightly.” Vinn said calmly.
“Yea, that can’t be good.” Nicole agreed.
“Okay honey, I know this sounds sketchy as shit.” Gizzy said as Clutch gave her a weird look of worry and cringe. “But we need you to be one of the spokespersons for edible snail products.”
“Gross. No.” she cringed.
“It’s not gross. You don’t have to actually eat the stuff on a normal basis, just for a video or two, maybe a celebrity signing if it goes big.”
“You want me to wear skimpy outfits, and dance like a slut for snail products?”
“Absolutely not, honey. You’re far too young, we need a trendy Delmarian female who’s tough and original but relevant and relatable to the fur-covered youth, not some airheaded bimbo character…we got Dee for that. And you just read some lines and show some products here and there. Wear some full coverage merch, hoodies, hats, nothing weird or sexual. We got Nicole doing weird and Dee on Sexual already. Let them cover that demographic”
“But you’re still exploiting me to sell crap?” she asked, crossing her arms.
“No…it’s not monetary exploitation, it’s necessary propaganda that benefits everyone, and does not harm you. We’re not getting rich off garbage products; we’re saving the economy with food alternatives because the fucking spacebugs ate all the damn chickens, and humans are stupid and refuse to do what’s best for them. You’re military lean fit, your body is a powerhouse of health and THAT is what we want associated with the snail products. Clean, organic, healthy, AND popular.”
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“Might not harm ME, but it would harm my reputation. I’m trying to be taken seriously as an athlete some day.”
“On human worlds, all the athletes shill useless products. Name literally anything in existence, there is a Shaq version of it that sucks worse than the normal one. People still respect him. People who don’t even like basketball pay hundreds for Air Jordans.”
“Who’s Air Jordan?”
“Doesn’t matter. Snails have a bad reputation and vibe. They’re seen as gross and slimy and poor people shit, when in reality: They’re healthy, fancy, sophisticated…and also slimy. But most of the slime is gonna be hijacked to make drugs, don’t worry about that. We’re setting up regulations to…not your concern.”
“I don’t wanna be the snail girl. I wanna be a Homicideball player, and known for my skills and determination.”
“Well… You’re also too young to play in the leagues, and living in a house with strangers who are paying for your entire existence out of the goodness in some of their hearts, and you need some kind of structure and contribution to the community. So what job skills do you have that bring this house income that doesn’t involve nudity, gambling or risking your life?” Gizzy asked.
“Okay, I’ll try the snail products, but you need to stop calling them snail products. Nobody cares what’s in the products, they care about the brand. You don’t buy caffeine carbonated sugar-blast, you buy Powerthirst, because the can looks cool, and it makes you look powerful holding it.”
“Yea, that’s true, humans will buy literal canned tap water if it has a gold skull on the bottle and makes you look Metal AF.”
“Yea, don’t try and sound relatable and cool. Everyone knows you’re ancient. The ‘hey, fellow kids’ vibe is a red flag. You need a catchy product name for snail, like Proteen-Green or Performance Gel.”
“Performance Gel is already taken, and you’re too young to know that yet. I thought you said you were a huge fan, are you this snippy with all your heroes?”
“Well I’m not a political fan, but the arena beast fight was insane, I’ve watched it twice online. It’s really neat to meet you in person. You’re smaller than I expected.
“You’re 8 foot, everyone is smaller.” She argued. “This is optimal size, I could print off a 30-foot tall me if I wanted, but it would be expensive and pointless, I couldn’t get into any buildings and the food bill would be stupid. Size isn’t everything.”
“What about in homicideball?”
“Okay, in homicideball, size is everything. That’s pretty true, but it’s about mass not height, I learned that the hard way.”
“Didn’t you suck at Homicideball?”
“No, I didn’t suck… I just wasn’t especially good. Look, if you want status in sports, you gotta have a brand. You could be the best athlete on the moon and without advertisement and branding, nobody will care. It’s the sad truth. Getting sponsored can take years, it could be anything, shamelessly shilling morally shady, cheap garbage products. I’ve been there. You start with the branding and then wow them with your skills, so here’s the offer. Work with us getting the snail supplements pushed, help us build your brand and your fan base, and in return you start your athletic career already sponsored and famous, with a lot of money and pull, and then show the moon what you’re made of and really make yourself. OR, you can turn down the deal, we’ll waste time finding someone else who will do a worse job, and you waste a year as an unknown independent, struggling and begging for support financially and with branding deals, and all that time you need to train will be wasted on ass kissing for useless junk and cheap clothing. You probably won’t even get noticed or placed on a team. Let’s be totally honest here, you’re female. That means the men who run the industry don’t take you seriously, and you already have an uphill battle against you.”
“So you’re bribing me?”
“This is business, honey. I’m doing us both a favor.”
“Okay, fine, but I will have a contract saying I can reject any product I don’t like that will damage my reputation, and I want in on all the design and branding meetings, as an advisor.”
“Absolutely. I’ll print you up a contract.”
“You don’t even know if I’m any good, why do you believe in me?”
“I don’t, you could be terrible for all I know and care. But you would be a role model for young Delmarian women to inspire their dreams, and helping the food industry problem we have, while also providing crucial marketing details and knowledge needed to help the economy later. Even if you fail miserably, the fact that you tried and fought to be there, benefits everyone, and your dream is up to you to earn. Orphan military girl, throws aside her forced destiny for her dream, and becomes a positive influence on the youth community, and if you work hard enough…you may even succeed. Now, let's talk about your image.”
“What’s wrong with my image?” she asked.
“You look military issue. Plain, bland, forgettable. You need to find your style and your image. I have people who can help.”
Nicole smiled, excitedly walking ahead of Vicki and Clutch with a slight spring to her step. The cheerfully lit and vibrant mall, though void of people, was filled with sunlight and plants and a tranquil fountain in the middle.
“This is silly, why do we have to do this is a hologram room? Can’t I just buy shit online?” Clutch asked.
“Because you’re basically a tween, and you never went to school, never went shopping, never did makeup, and the surface is still a hellscape so we’re simulating it in the hologram game room. You need to try things on and see the vibe of it all, the lighting, the movement of the fabric, even the basic feel of the materials. Welcome to the mall. It’s an exact replica of the Cavern City Plaza, except the shops can be cycled to have any inventory you want, and then whatever you buy gets custom ordered online and shipped here priority."
“So I can have anything I want?” she smiled.
“Well the goal is finding your style and image, so mostly clothing and aesthetics, like the food court isn’t open, we can’t buy you weaponry or home décor, but all the clothing, footwear, accessories, hair salon, all totally open. Anything you want. Vicki is a designer, so anything you like she can modify it and change it, any color or materials. Go nuts.” Nicole grinned.
“And you humans do this for fun?”
“Oh not me,” Vicki sighed. “I hate public places like malls, in fact simulating one being pretty much abandoned, is rather nice for me. I’m enjoying this more than a real mall."
“So, what’s your style called?” Clutch asked Vicki.
“Classic Goth, retro Victorian era, with a hint of steampunk.”
“Nicole, you don’t seem to have a set style. I’ve seen you in 3 different outfits in 3 days, and it looks like you just randomly chose some mismatched costume props and tried to blend them.”
“Yea, thanks. I call it having moods”. You can change your style whenever you want, it’s not a committed set-in-stone thing when you try out a look. Obviously in your case you need a branding theme, but when you’re not filming or advertising your brand, you can wear what you want. That’s the freedom of clothing and makeup, you don’t have to conform and comply and look like everyone else. I look like a damn mythical creature half the time because I think it’s fun, and it’s my expression. So what do you like?
“Sports, food, working out.”
“Yea but what kinda fun stuff, do you like anime, or horror movies, or do you really love bird-watching or collecting civil war badges, what do you do for fun with your friends?”
“We mostly just rotate designated sporting activities and training with our assigned team of 12 soldiers. Sparring, homicideball, weight training.”
“What about books and movies?”
“We were only given historical documentaries and training material about our ancient culture, the elder gods, and military operations.”
“That explains a lot about Hyde.” She sighed
“What was he like?” she asked.
“Kinda boring. Basically into everything you described. He never branched out from that, even after he was free to do so. It was military everything. Can you keep a secret?”
“Totally. I’m really good at keeping secrets.” She said unironically.
“I got accidentally cloned, and my clone dated Hyde for a while. There’s really not much there to say. He left the core, but the core never left him. He stayed in his comfort zone and refused to experience life and try new things. That’s why we broke up. He stayed comfortably grounded in his military ways and Vinn, blossomed into something special. That’s why we’re still in love. He wasn’t afraid to be himself and find out what that was. He grew as a person. That’s what you need to do while you’re still young and not corrupted and stuck in that cult-lifestyle. You got out, explore, go crazy, try things, obviously not inappropriate thing for your age, I still don’t know where that line is myself, we’ll work on that later.”
Gizzy sat in her office looking very worried at the scanner.
“We think they’ve adapted and started rusting the air vents with their saliva. We’ve found weak rusted out spots everywhere, the whole air supply ductwork system is a problem.” Said a man in a hazmat suit in a dark tunnel.
“Shit, close the tunnels, emergency lockdown, release the snails into the air vents. It’s time they show us what they can do.”
“There is one problem with that, Ma’am.” He said.
“Which is…?”
“We locked down the tunnels for the bugs, which hatch about the size of a baseball. The snails are smaller, which means they can get into gaps and vents the bugs can't there’s gonna be a lot of tiny snails getting into homes and locked down areas.”
“So? They’re harmless, you can eat them. Who gives a shit if people wake up to a few snails in their homes. I want as PSA ASAP, telling people to not worry about the snails, we are locking down because of the bugs, I don’t want people thinking the extra level of lockdown is because of the snails and then wake up to 3 snails in their kitchen and think they’re gonna die. Make sure they understand the snails are harmless and edible, and that they kill the bugs. Make it painfully clear!” she barked, eye glowing.