TPK (Pt. 1): The Ink Pen’s Words and The Mighty Sword’s Wit

--- Joshua ---

“Okay, so before we go any further I’ve got to ask if you’re trying to run me off, see what kind of guy I am, or if this is some kind of shovel talk? Because I’ll admit on that last one we are nowhere near dating given how we’ve had like… two long conversations. It’s way too soon for that kind of thing.” He told TPK, hoping she could be reasoned with.

The red head blinked for a moment before looking down at her blade. “Huh, it does look like that doesn’t it?”

It was his turn to blink. “Uh, what?”

The woman seemed to think about something for a second before snapping her fingers. “Ah, that’s where you misunderstood.”

“Again, what?” He frowned.

“Okay, so yeah, I don’t actually care if you talk to the GM.” TPK admitted, before explaining that. “She’s a big girl with two small armies both willing to rip you limb from limb if you touch her. Or if she tells them not to, one of her many adopted siblings can just fire bomb your house while you’re asleep, hunt you down for sport with a pack of demons, or frame you for crimes so vile no one mundane or mask will ever work with you again. All of which of course depends on which of us you piss off.”

“I see.” He did not squeak as he was once more reminded how thoroughly the GM could trounce him if not only her but her family felt like it.

“What actually interested me is the fact that usually doesn’t have conversations outside of the family unless she’s playing a game. So I asked who she was texting with without playing a game, since it wasn’t one of our siblings and she said it was this new Wonderlander she met.” The GM’s sister continued. “At which point I looked up your dungeon run, and wouldn’t you know it as I was walking out I saw the same guy standing outside waiting for a rematch with the dungeon.”

“Alright, I’m uh, I’m following so far.” He nodded slowly. “But uh, that doesn’t explain why we’re here.” He gestured to the coliseum around them.

“Oh, I just wanted to fight you.” TPK explained as if it was the simplest thing in the world.

“Right… and the uh, kidnapping?” He asked, silently questioning the woman’s sanity. “I mean you could’ve just asked for a fight.”

“Your consent does not matter to me.” The woman told him bluntly.

He blinked. “I’m sorry, but what was that?”

“I said, your consent does not matter to me.” TPK repeated. “Now we can do this the easy way or the hard way, but I am going to thrust my sword into you.”

“... I am deeply uncomfortable with everything you just said.”

“Right, rough way it is.” TPK told him, picking up the massive sword she wanted to fuck him up with.

“Wait, wait, wait!” He cried trying to stall. “Uh, what kind of person do you want?”

“What do you mean?” The (crazy) woman paused.

“I’m, uh, I’m a Wonderlander.” He reminded her. “And well… A Wonderlander has to stick to their theme, and mine just so happens to be a… theater.”

“Okay…” TPK nodded, waiting for him to explain why that mattered.

“Well, uh, as a theater Wonderlander I have these… different personas I can play.” He lied through his teeth. “Each persona has its own powers and style, so which one would you like?”

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“Like those few bits of your run where you got especially brutal.” The guild lieutenant said, buying his bullshit.

“Exactly.” He smiled, happily selling said bullshit. “So what do you want, something comical, brutal, heroic? Ooh, maybe an honorable warrior type, huh?”

“You know what, let’s go with the honorable warrior type.” TPK told him. “Been a while since I’ve fought one of those.”

“Ah, good choice.” He applauded her before forming his ink blade in hand. “Oh, but wait, we need to signify respect with our duel.”

“You’re right.” The warrior woman nodded, before offering her hand. “Let’s have a good clean fight, huh?”

“Let’s.” He nodded, taking her hand and immediately tagging it.

“You know this is what I love about honorable types.” TPK said as they shook hands.

“The fact that they’re willing to show respect?” He figured.

“No, that they’re stupid enough to get in beatdown range.” The gang leader corrected before kicking him between the legs with enough force to lift him off the ground.

“Fu~uck!” Whimpered hitting the ground.

“Honestly, if you’re going to be a Mask that kind of thing would get you killed.” TPK told him as she used her grip on his hand to lift him up before stabbing her sword into him. “Don’t worry though, I’ll teach you what you’re supposed to do. Though the first time does hurt a bit.”

“Not if… your partner… knows what they’re… doing…” He argued, refusing to let her have the last word.

TPK gave him a smirk before pulling out her massive sword and kicking him away from her.

Rolling across the ground, he could do little to slow himself down due to the pain in his stomach. Though when he did finally come to a stop he couldn’t help but grimace as he saw the gaping hole in his stomach. (Fuck that’s bad…)

“Oh come on, don’t tell me you finished already?” The (psycho-bitch) whined as he reached into his coat rather than immediately get back up. “Are you really a one-and-done chump?”

“Fuck… you…” He coughed, pulling out a crimson vial as he picked himself off the ground.

“Maybe if you’re a good boy.” The older woman winked, causing his face to heat up as he pulled the stopped off of his vial.

TPK gave a laugh at that as rather than answering he downed the vial of malice, the taste of strawberries and copper filling his mouth.

“What’s that? You need a… performance enhancer?” The older woman teased, making his blush worsen given the truth behind it.

(Oof kid, we need to step up your game and how. Don’t worry though, I’ve got your back.)

“What, am I not good looking enough for you?” TPK pouted as he felt his heart begin to beat to that familiar tune.

(First rule of any performance be it flirting or comedy, it’s all a game of chicken. Never back down and always be willing to go a step further than your opponent.)

He gave a chuckle and smirked at the older woman. “No, shame in a man admitting he needs a bit of help to keep up with someone as beautiful as you darlin’. After all, all that matters is making sure you are more than satisfied.”

TPK blinked in surprise before gaining a smile dangerous in more than one way. “Ooh, you might actually be fun.”

“I try not to disappoint.” He admitted with a nod.

The older woman glanced down before kicking his ink blade back to him. “That might be tricky, since with what you’re carrying you don’t look all that well equipped.”

(Next rule: subvert expectations and you’ll hit ‘em twice as hard.)

He gave the TPK and her oversized blade an unimpressed look as he spun his own knife in hand before shaking his head. “Oh, I do feel the need to apologize.”

“What for?” TPK frowned suspiciously.

“Well it seems you’ve been deeply disappointed by my fellows if you believe size is an indicator of… prowess, which is a true shame.” He explained, before having his Ink Equip turn into a whip and strike at her. “Especially since skill is far more important.”

(Most importantly always recognize your audience and what appeals to them.)

“Oh, whips on the first date?” The older woman smirked as she blocked the strike. “Aren’t you forward?”

“You seem like the kind of gal who’d appreciate such a thing.” He admitted, before giving her a charming grin. “We both know anything less would bore you.”

“You’re not wrong.” TPK admitted as she readied her blade. “So let’s see if you can satisfy me with that little toy of yours.”

“Trust me,” He bowed, never breaking eye contact. “my tongue is far more dangerous than any toy.”