First Heist, To Ride In Audacity

--- Joshua ---

Walking up to the gang house with his money bag over his shoulder, he couldn’t help but hum an increasingly familiar tune to himself as he found an odd beat to his steps. One both foriegn in a way he couldn’t quite place and yet familiar in a way he couldn’t bring himself to resist.

He waved at one of the gangsters loading a car full of the houses goods. “Good night for crime, don’t cha’ think?”

Ignoring the man’s dumbfounded stare he walked through the house’s front door before making his way to the living room, one of his hands idly swiping anything that caught his interest, a slight application of his enhanced strength breaking any resistance the objects gave their new owner.

Stepping into the living room, he nodded towards a trio of Dealers sitting on a couch in front of a small table covered in drugs, money, and other paraphernalia.

“Oh, hello there.” He greeted as he calmly walked past them and up to a TV in the middle of the room. “This is a nice TV.” Which was the obvious reason as to why he reached around and unplugged it before picking it up and stuffing it into his bag.

“W-wha, who the fuck are you?!” One of the gangsters yelled as he and his friends got off the couch.

“Who the fuck am I?” He asked indiginantly as he pressed a hand to his chest. “Why I’m Robin D. House, surprised you didn’t realize that.”

“Robin D. House?” A different Dealer repeated.

Crouching down and sweeping the table’s contents into his bag he nodded. “Yes, that’s what I’m doing.”

“The fuck you are!” The leader of the trio shouted pointing a gun at him.

“Of course I am.” He scoffed, easily grabbing the gun by its barrel and pulling it out of the gangster’s hand before throwing it in the bag.

“Wha, da, gah?!” The gangster’s face twitched, going through a number of increasingly enraged expressions as his two compatriots watched on in confusion, at least until said gangster shouted.

Seeing that this conversation was going nowhere, he turned on his heel and made his way to what he guessed was the kitchen based on the tile flooring connecting to the living room’s carpet. (Wonder if I can steal their kitchen sink?)

Inside the kitchen he found a very large Traveler of some sort wearing an oversized hoodie sitting at the table (with two chairs) reaching for a slice of pizza from a box on the table, or rather the last slice of pizza in the box. A slice of pizza that he managed to swipe before the Traveler could grab it.

The Traveler blinked before turning to him with a single raised brow made of a yellowish-brown leather like material for their skin.

He met the eyes of the traveler that could fit his entire skull in their hand, and proceeded to take a bite out of the pizza.

“You have balls.” The Traveler told him almost approvingly before they slowly stood to their full height, their hand lightly banging against the ceiling. “Too bad I’m going to have to rip them off of you.”

“Yeah, dat dosh shuck.” He agreed, stuffing as much of the pizza as he could in his mouth before raising a single finger into the air as he somehow swallowed it all down in one go. “But you’re forgetting one very important factor in said testicular removal.”

The Traveler crossed their arms. “And that is?”

“I can still run away like a little bitch.”

“You could do that.” The Traveler nodded with some amusement.

They both stood there in silence for a moment before-

“Run away!”

-he ran away like a little bitch.

“Wait!” He stopped on his heel and turned back to the Traveler before picking up the empty box on the table and grabbing the still full pizza box beneath it. Once his fresh loot was safely stashed in his bag he looked at the Traveler and coughed into his hand. “Now, then… Run away!”

Reaching the exit to the kitchen he ended up shoving past one of the gangsters from the living room, before grabbing them by their shoulder and spinning them back towards the kitchen at which point he kicked them in the ass as he screamed, “Protect me meat shield!”

The other two gangsters from the living room he just backhanded with an oversized Toon Hand before rushing past them and towards the door he’d closed behind him, because he was courteous like that.

Which is why he used his enhanced strength to kick off the ground and dropkick the door off of its hinges, because he didn’t want to stop and open it. (Well that and I thought it’d be cool.) (Only if you stick the landing.) Which he did not given how the door ended up impacting the Dealer that had been loading the car outside, causing both to crash to the ground and thus ruining his epic escape. (Because people are stupid like that.) (You sure it’s people?)

A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

“Not now self-confidence issues!” He cried, slapping his cheeks as he stood up and stepped off of the door that was on top of the downed gangster.

“Now, escape plan.” He told himself before spotting a nearby car. More specifically a car that seemed to be loaded down with the goods the Dealers were moving. Even more specifically a car that was still running with the keys in the ignition.

He inhaled through his teeth as he grimaced at the sight, before crouching next to the groaning Dealer on the ground. “You left your car running? At night? In this neighborhood? That’s just asking for your car to be stolen, and I will happily oblige you.” He assured the gangster with a pat on their cheek before rushing to the car.

Sliding into the driver’s seat and putting his hands on the wheel a thought that probably should’ve occurred to him a few minutes prior popped into his head.

“I have no idea how to drive a car.”

(Meh, can’t be that hard. I mean how much have they really changed in sixty, seventy years? They’ve got to be pretty much idiot proof at this point.)

“Yeah, I can just wing this. Worse comes to, I’ve got a healing factor.” He nodded, trying to steel his nerves. At least until he spotted the Traveler stepping out of the house and promptly floored it because he’d chosen this house specifically to avoid a fight with another Deviant.

This of course proved to be a very poor decision when he hit the stop sign at the end of the road, jogging his memory about the fact that not only had he never driven, but that he was pretty sure Chris couldn’t drive either. Meaning the only person he knew who could drive was Maddie who he was fairly certain wasn’t legally allowed to drive. (Not that that stops her.)

“Shit!” He cursed, instinctively taking his foot off of the gas as he felt the stop sign and curb bumping beneath the car, causing the entire vehicle to jump about. “Right, so uh, turning… Need to be more careful about that.”

A quick glance in one of his mirrors let him see that the Traveler was climbing into the back of the truck while the Dealers got into the actual vehicle itself. A sight he was sure he would find comical if not for both the fact that said truck after him and that the mirror clearly said ‘objects in mirror are closer than they appear’ (Meaning I should really get the fuck out of here.)

Powering through he pressed down on the gas pedal and drove across someone’s lawn as he tried to force the car back onto the road. (He would’ve backed up if he could but he had no idea how to actually do that.) Once on the road he started pressing down on the gas as he drove down the center of the street trying to avoid the various cars parked near the curb.

“Okay, okay, I think I’m starting to get the hang of this.” He told himself as he barely clipped a mailbox on one of his turns, instead of actually decimating it. (See just like riding a bike.)

A bullet shot through the back window, filling the windshield with a spider web of cracks as it shot through.

“Shit, fuck!” He cursed, turning just enough to see the Dealer’s truck gaining on him with the Traveler standing in the truck bed with their hands on the truck’s roof and a gangster half hanging out of the windows with a gun aimed at him.

“Okay, uh, car chases… How do I win those in video games?” He asked himself drawing upon his only source of experience in this kind of situation. (Meh, cartoons are better.)

“Um, hard left!” He shouted spinning the wheel for all it was worth, which apparently wasn’t much given how he ended up half driving on the sidewalk while the Dealers made their turn far more smoothly.

“Fuck, uh, floor it on straights!” He called, slamming his foot down on the pedal and hoping no one else turned onto this street as his car slowly sped up.

It was while moving at this extremely illegal and dangerous speed that his toonification wore off of his bag spewing everything he’d stolen into the backseat.

“Shit, shit, shit!” He panicked, the sudden explosion of goods causing him to swerve the car in panic. Hitting a mailbox and then the curb as he swung back onto the street, he was forced to take his foot off the pedal to try and retake control of the car.

A series of actions that gave the Dealers just enough time and space to catch up to him, their truck driving next to his car long enough for the traveler to slam their massive fist into the top of his vehicle, denting the roof and causing him to lose even more control of the vehicle.

“Fuck, this isn’t mario kart you assholes!” He screamed at the dealers, before noticing a gun aimed at his face. (Oh, shit!)

On instinct he threw his hand out, a glob of ink having quickly formed before flying at the gunman’s face.

“My eyes!” The dealer screamed, dropping his gun to claw at his ink caked eyes.

(Still got it!)

Saidly, this little victory was not something he could celebrate as the traveler slammed another fist onto the car roof, denting it hard enough to shatter the back window and warp the back door frame.

“Gah, damn it!” He cursed, swerving his car to the side before- “Back off already!” - ramming it back into the side of their car, something that surprisingly did not cause him to lose control of the car even as the truck was forced to hit the curb of a street corner and scrape its side along a lamppost.

Seeing that he’d bought himself a bit of breathing room, he tried an idea that popped into his head and began pushing his ink into the car steering wheel, hoping to toonify the car for whatever edge that would bring him.

“Come on…” He told his power, feeling his ink seeping into the vehicle though nowhere near the rate necessary to toonify such a large object.

“Come on…” He repeated, pushing his ink production as hard as he could, fully aware of the fact that the Dealers were once more beginning to catch up to him.

“Come on!” He yelled his hands gripping the steering wheel hard enough to crack it, sending a small slurry of ink flying out of it as the Dealers began to once more pull up beside him.

“Fuck!” He spat, as some part of him realized this was a dead end just before his foot twitched pressing down on the brake instead of the gas, bringing his car to a near stop while the Dealers shot forward at their high speed.

He blinked, watching the Dealers as they flew half a mile down the road, before realizing that (really should get moving before they turn around!)

Taking a quick turn down a road and breaking line of sight with the Dealers he had a moment of sly inspiration as he spotted a small shopping center, or rather the alleyway behind the shopping center, before pulling in and getting out of the car.

Moving quickly, he ran to a nearby dumpster and using his enhanced strength dragged it so that even if someone were to look down the alleyway they wouldn’t spot the car or his goods within.

Once he was sure the car couldn’t be seen he climbed back into the driver’s seat and let the adrenaline crash hit him, as he leaned back to wait for the heat to die down and the dealers to give up their chase.

(Meh, not bad for a first drive. Should probably still look into a getaway driver though.) He couldn’t help but cackle at that.