"This is... not even funny..."

I giggled. A dark, almost hysterical laugh, while the paper trembled in my hands.

"Kill... myself?"

Indeed, if this was one of her jokes, it wasn't even remotely funny...

"I get it... I have to die to unlock more spells. But... kill myself?"

My eyes suddenly felt wet.

"As in... with my own hands? With my dagger...? Kill myself?"

My vision blurred.

"B-but why...? Does killing myself with my own dagger rather than letting a random foe do the job change anything...?"

I violently shook my head.

"This is my mother!" I reasoned with myself. "S-she always loved me. She wouldn't ask me to do something like this if it wasn't for my own good... She must've understood my magic, somehow! This world had no secrets for her, after all! So she knows best! This is for my own good... right?"

And my head also had begun to hurt...

"I have to... end my own life... with my own hands."

Just at the thought of it, my legs felt heavy, and ceased to support me. I collapsed to the ground, letting the paper slip from my fingers, both my hands reached for my face. "Breathe, Argenta... Breathe..." I murmured to myself, trying to hold back the giggles that clawed at my throat as a cold sweat broke out uncontrollably. And to think I had just taken a bath moments before...

I turned my head to the dark, grey sky above, deeply inhaling to calm down. If the Deities were watching, they surely were having their fun. Oh, of course they were. Why would even Deities care about the people of this world? Let alone an anomaly like me...

"First of all... I can't even do it. I have to complete my demon's request. First thing first."

I shook my head, pulling myself up. I had work to do... My demon still wanted four hearts, four souls, before I could even think about taking this step. And since it was still early in the morning, I could surely find someone on the street. And, perhaps... feed more than one at once?

Oh, what a wonderful idea! Surely, a demon wouldn't be picky about something like this!

And so, I got to work. My footsteps were almost automatic as I wandered through the familiar streets of my little hometown. And, in some twisted alley, I spotted them: three men huddled together speaking in low voices.

Such easy prey! What better way to use my charm than to seduce some random souls in the street and feed them to my demon?

And so I did. Alas, one of them was armed; I hadn't noticed the glint of the knife until it was too late. He lunged at me, and before I could think, I drove my dagger into his throat, ending his life in a spray of blood. Such a waste... I had to end his life personally, but my demon did indeed eat the hearts of the other two. So, I just had to wait, and...

"Yes! It worked!" I giggled at the good news, feeling happier than ever for just a fraction of a second.

Now I just had to wait for six hours and try again...

"I can do it... I just need to distract myself and move forward..."

I nodded, to no one in particular, but I nodded. And, wiping the blood from my hands, I went on with the day; it had just begun, after all, and there was still so much I could do.

What to do to distract myself? Hmm... eating?

Yes, yes! Eating! I still had to have breakfast! Something sweet to cheer myself up! Yes, that would help!

And then, and then...

And then, nothing... I could do nothing but wait. Six long hours... After which, I let my demon claim another heart. Just one, unfortunately. And then, after more six excruciating long hours, the last one...

Now, back at the graveyard... The evening air still, and nobody around. All alone, standing right before my mother's tombstone.

"I can do it..."

I took out my dagger, pointing it at my throat.

"H-how exactly...? Do I just... insert and pull away...?"

My hands trembled, and I pulled the dagger away slightly.

"No, m-maybe with a little twist it'll be quicker... More blood loss means a faster death... Y-yes... it has to be the best way..."

I redirected once again the dagger towards my throat, hovering it just a hair's breadth from my skin. I swallowed hard, feeling the cold edge press against the soft flesh of my throat.

"W-why all the hesitation...? I just have to treat my throat as if it were one of my enemies... that's all... Y-yeah..."

My heart pounded loudly in my chest. Yet, for some reason... this time I had mixed feelings about it.

"I... I have to do it... I have to do what my mother told me to do... I have to go on with her quest!"

I tightened my grip on the dagger.

"It'll be quick..."

I tried to imagine what crazy and infuriating new spell awaited me after it. But, with no real surprise... it wasn't helping me.

"It's just a push..."

My breath completely abandoned me, and I tried to force air into my lungs. Each breath felt like it was strangling me.

"Please, hands... move..."

A tear slipped down my cheek, and all I could do was blink rapidly, trying to clear my vision.

"Come on..."

How could fear control me?! Why?! I am better than this!

"Go, Argenta... Come on!"

Yet the dagger still refused to move... Why? Why did my own body refuse to obey? Why wasn't it moving forward?

"Please..."

I swallowed hard once more, feeling the press of the dagger more keenly now, while my fingers ached from the tightness of my grip.

This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.

Then, at some point... something snapped.

"I can't!" I gasped, feeling air rush back into my lungs, warmth coming back to my face, and my heartbeat beginning to slow. Yet, my knees gave out, and I crumpled to the ground. "I CAN'T!"

Tears streamed freely down my face, and I directed my gaze to the sky.

"I can't kill myself..."

I punched the ground; my blow was so weak it was pitiful... I felt emptied of any strength despite having done nothing.

"I'm not that crazy to kill myself just because someone tells me to..." I sobbed, wrapping my arms around myself as I shivered. "Even if that someone is my mother... I can't. I don't want to feel that pain..."

I pulled my arms even tighter, holding myself together.

"I don't like pain... I don't like death... I just like running away from it... I can't..."

Taking my time... I slowly, and finally managed to calm down. How much time had passed? I couldn't even tell... some hours probably, or perhaps it just felt that way. I blamed winter for making days seem so short... And, with nowhere else to go, I headed to Joey's home.

"Argenta!" he greeted me as soon as I stepped inside; his expression was concerned.

"Hey," I murmured in response.

"What's wrong? You look horrible..."

"Could I sleep here for the night?"

He nodded without a crumb of hesitation. "Of course you can. I thought that was obvious."

"Thanks."

"You know where's the room," he said, his thumb pointing to the usual guest's bedroom.

I immediately stepped towards it, but as soon as I did, Joey's voice halted my steps. "Did you eat anything? I can make you something," he gently proposed.

I turned to him. "Would you still cook something for me? It's pretty late..."

"Of course," he chuckled. "It's my job after all, isn't it?"

A soft smile graced my face. "Thank you..."

I quietly waited for Joey to finish preparing something warm for me to eat, and he decided to keep me company while I ate his dish. It was so warm I could feel all my remaining shivers fading completely away. Afterward, we finally headed to our respective rooms to sleep.

Or at least, tried to...

"I can't sleep..."

How was I supposed to, after such a day?

I sighed, staring up at the ceiling as the events of the day replayed in my mind. Something I absolutely had to avoid...

I had to distract myself, even if just a little. So, tossing the covers aside, I got up from bed and dragged my feet toward Joey's room, knocking on it. "Joey, can I come in?"

"The door is open," he replied from the other side.

I slowly swung the door open, and stepped inside. Joey was sitting up on the bed, rubbing his eyes. "Can't sleep?" he asked in a groggy voice, though still gentle.

"Hmm-hm..." I hummed before throwing myself face onto the bed. "And your bed is much fluffier. It's not fair," I then mumbled as the blankets muffled my voice.

"You could've just asked to sleep here, you know?" he said, and I glanced at him; he was smiling.

"You should've thought of that," I countered, rolling to the side.

He sighed, scratching his cheek. "It must've slipped my mind."

For a long while, I stared at the blankets absentmindedly. "Joey... I have a question for you."

"I'm listening."

"Let's suppose... you were forced to do something. You have to... but you can't bring yourself to do it... What would you do?"

"Hmm..." He appeared thoughtful for a moment, rubbing his chin. "Is this... another weird way of yours to tell me I'm a wimp?"

A chuckle escaped me at that, and he followed. "No, no, Joey. I'm serious," I then said, still partly laughing.

"Well... If I had no other choice and were forced to do it... then I'd try to gather all my courage and do it, I suppose," he replied.

"And would you succeed?" I pressed. "What if you weren't able to?"

"I would have to, no matter what," he shrugged, though I could sense his voice waver. "You said I have to, didn't you? So, I have no other choice... My parents raised me like that."

"Hmm..."

Joey comfortably settled back under the blankets, turning to the side to face me. "This time, visiting your mother's tombstone is affecting you more than usual, hm?"

I could not think of an answer, and my eyes looked down. Instead, I pushed myself higher on the bed, resting my head closer to his chest. "I'm sleeping here tonight."

"Do you want me to go to the guest's bedroom?"

"No, just stay with me."

"Alright."

I took a deep breath, and closed my eyes. "I miss her, Joey..."

His arm wrapped around me, pulling me closer. I welcomed every bit of it. "I know..."

Nestled in his embrace, as his warmth seeped into me, I finally felt like I could actually sleep. And so I did, peacefully...

... In the morning, after stretching every fiber of my body and having a good breakfast, I headed back to my mother's tombstone.

I was stupid, and Joey was right; I had to do it... Fortunately, sleep is truly a blessing. My mother had always shown me the answer to face obstacles; that's how she raised me, after all. And, as usual, I had overthought it. Such a bad habit of mine...

"I just have to enter the Dynamic Zone..."

As simple as that. If unnecessary thoughts are stopping me... then all I need to do is eliminate them.

I sighed, taking in a deep breath, letting the fresh air cool my body and blood. Then, I breathed out, releasing all my fear.

Repeat. Breathe in, breathe out.

Once more. Fresh air in, now my mind is fresh. Intrusive thoughts out, now my body is free.

Repeat.

One last time...

"And everything is clear..."

Just as the skilled assassin I am, I brought the dagger to my throat.

"Just in, and out..."

Holding my breath, I started. The sharpness of the blade bit into my skin; a little pain spread from the point of contact.

I gasped; the sound strangled as it caught in my throat. Yet, I didn't stop. I couldn't stop.

The warmth of my blood trickled down my neck, soaking into my clothes, sticky and thick. I felt the pulse of my heartbeat in the wound, with each throb sending another little wave of pain through my body.

I forced my hand to push harder, driving the dagger deeper, the tip now slicing through flesh and sinew. The agony was too overwhelming to ignore now, and my vision blurred with tears.

Was it pain, or fear? I couldn't really tell... but it was of no importance. I just had to suppress my feelings.

The world around me gradually seemed to tilt, my balance wavered, and my strength began to falter.

"I'm there!" I screamed internally.

Despite everything, I was still able to feel my body begging me to stop, to throw that dagger away and press my hands to the wound, to do anything to survive.

I drowned it all.

And finally, with a culminating burst of willpower, I twisted the dagger, and let it fall from my grasp, as my hands felt suddenly too weak to hold it any longer.

The sound of it hitting the ground was muffled and distant, as though it came from somewhere far away... My senses were now completely astray.

My knees buckled, and I collapsed, while little tears wetted my face.

"Oh... it's horrible..."

The warmth of my blood pooled beneath me, turning from warm to icy cold until I could barely feel it.

"Hurry up and die..."

My thoughts slowed, along with the world around me, which blurred into indistinct shadows.

"Is this what dying in the Dynamic Zone feels like...?"

I hated every second of it...

"Just end..."

My eyelids grew heavy, and darkness deepened as I sank further into it. The last sensation I was aware of was a slight pressure in my chest, like the faint echo of a heartbeat.

And then...

Nothing...

"Ah!"

I gasped in air as though I had just surfaced from deep waters. Heat surged through me once again, and I felt my heart hammering rapidly in my chest.

"I did it... I did it..." I murmured between breaths as little giggles ran free. "I did it."

Obviously, as usual, my mind was slow following a resurrection.

"Oh, hi demon," I casually said, glancing at the familiar white, horrendous creature nearby.

The wound at my throat was gone, the skin smooth and unbroken as if nothing had happened; nothing new so far. The blood, however, partially dried and dark, stained my clothes.

"Alright... let's check the codex."

After taking a moment to steady myself, I reached for my codex and, flipping through the pages, I checked the new spell.

"Huh...?"

Now my eyes trembled. My fingers went cold, and my lungs forgot how to draw breath once again. My heart skipped several beats as a chill ran down my entire body, and had I not already been on the ground, I might've just collapsed again.

"W-why...?"

My chest also hurt...

"Why are you here?!"

- - - - - - -

"The outcome has already been decided..."

I wandered across my church, with my thoughts drifting back to nothing concrete, really.

"Or, perhaps... you had already figured this out long ago..."

I awaited her creation to appear. Because, deep down, I knew I had to play a part in her schemes...

"To continue with your rightful legacy, in this distorted world..."

While she had always been the best actress, this world offered nothing but the harshest of realities. No stage to shine upon, and no script that could bend reality to the will of the play.

"Are you watching now? I wonder..."

Yet, amidst the chaos, there lay but a single glimmer of light hidden by the darkness, far beyond where any eyes could ever reach, utterly unseeable. Corrupted, perhaps. Sick and twisted, even. Yet she took that faint light, however feeble and fragile it could be, and made it shine as brightly as the sun.

"And if you are, are you enjoying the show?"

The door of my church burst open violently. "What is the meaning of this?!" she shouted, her clothes stained with dark blood, her cheeks wet, and her eyes aflame. "What does it mean?! Why is my mother's full name in my codex?!"

'If from the seat it is not possible to see what is happening beyond the curtain, then it is necessary for the spectator to go up on the stage as well'... Am I wrong, Milady?

"ANSWER ME!" she screamed, her mana threatening to bring the whole church crashing down.

I turned towards her, inhaling deeply before addressing her with calm, and the respect she deserves. "Why don't we discuss it over a warm tea?"