I, Akivasha Von Schlatterstein, am your normal 16-year-old, good-looking, badass vampire king. Well, truth be told I'm actually 168,799, but tomato-tomäto. I look like a fucking highschool student, so I go with 16. Deal with it.
Either way, to describe how I felt for the last 168k years in one word, i would go with "bored". Man, at the age of 700, I made god onto my bitch. And yep, literraly my bitch. I must say that her blowjobs were awesome, I mean, how can I put it- Divine, that's the word.
At first, while I was climbing the stairs of her glorious palace, I was thinking that she would be the loli spounting"thy shall" and "thou shall not" kind of character. But in the end she was quite the nasty fellow... Hey, not like that goddamnit, not like Fking THAT, you perverts.
Shit, you guys scared the flying hell out of me. If she was that kind of nasty, even I would be shocked to death. Man, I handled cosmical lightning like it was nothing at that point and I'm still sure that if this kind of event were to happen I would have been shocked. Now forget it, just thinking about it makes me shiver. Woow, it's the first time I'm feeling so much emotions at once, fear, excitement, confusion, wow!!! I'm shivering out of confusion, now that's what I would call nasty; the results of thousands years of hardworking. Dude, talking about this shit does bring up some good memories.
echo~echo~echoo~
"Man, this shit sure is extravageant. God! you're freaking eating away ressources like there's no tommorow. Man, saying things about not wasting money on luxury while you're living in heaven".
What this idiot me just said was in fact tooo big to be called an understatement. Also, "in fact, it was an understatement" is wayyy too overused and it's freaking pissing me off. Thus, we will create a new word for this notion and it shall be "druck". Returning to the point, what I said was actually a druck.
If some of you were interested by science, they should be aware of the existence of a planet made out of diamond. Take that amount and place it on a random point in space. Now take double that amount, this time out of gold, and place it near the first mass.
If you're really knowledgeable, you'll know that there's this huge cloud made of alchool floating in space without a care in the world. It is said that it can resist the ferocious attack of the russian peeps for two years, though personnaly I don't believe it. If someone told me to have a guess I would say, it will survive for 6 hours max. By the way we're talking about 10 trillion m*3 of wisky so yeaaahh, that's something. Now mix all those ingredient together and try imagining what will result, did you see it. Huh...? Really? I guess there's no point for me to describe it, lol.
Jokes aside let's make it a little bit easier for the hopeless cases who couldn't.
Well the palace in itself is higher than the diameter of the sun. Now take this same sun and squish it in a manner that it will turn into 2d object. Can you imagine that? Well I don't really care if you don't. Moving on, the surface of this abnormality is bigger than that. I don't know exactly how much because I'm so lazy to compare right now. So like I said earlier, this palace is Big, now do you remember that vodca cloud(it was wisky at first. But since Akivasha don't like alcohol, he doesn't make any difference between the two.), well she's freaking using it like water. Fountain of vodca, tap of vodca, hot spring of vodca(ughh). Now what? A toilet of vodca maybe?
"Ah!! Just you wait, bitch, I'm gonna teach you about ecosystem(Shit, run forest run!!)".
As I open the freaking huge door, two giant miniguns appear before me.
"Woow, those are some pretty godly breast you have 'du dum tsss'(srry)"
"Hello, nice to meet you too"
"Man, or should i say women. Okey, women, why the heck did you make this room so huge, I can't even see the roof wow."
"Hello, nice to meet you too!!"
"Why do you keep saying "hello, nice to meet you too"?"
"HELLO!! NICE TO MEET YOU TOO!!!!!!"
"Okey, calm down. Hello, nice to meet you"
"Hello, nice to meet you too"
"So why are you freaking using vodca everywhere?"
"HELLO!! NICE TO MEET YOU TOOO !!!!!"
"Wtf, I thought it's because i didn't say hello that you keep WTF?!!" As I was rambling about her nonsense, a smell only comparable to the most diabetes filled shit attacked my nostrils as if we were in a fking team death match. "Man Shit, Oh Fucking HOLY SHITTY GOD'S BLEEDING LEFT BALL, WHAT THE ACTUAL HECK?!! What's this freaking smell. You freaking reek of alchool. Shit, am I smelling drugs. Fuck, those are no cokes, those are freaking russian drugs. Shit!! Those frikish devils eat you alive. Man, and here I was thinking why the damn heck was earth so fucked up lately. God's a fucking alchoolic,.... and a drugged, is this some kind of freaking nasty joke"
"have sex with me" She/He said with a straight face.
"Oh yeaahhh!!"
Alanna(one true god) pov
Ah man, I feel like I'm in heaven. Ah! I am in heaven, but woow those russian drugs sure are something. The feeling is real, man those russian fuckers really have everything, maybe i should go there for my next vacation.
The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.
Ah, i'm feeling dizzy. Well you know guys, when i'm in this state my mouth just keep talking on it's own, it seems that it just say what it's most used to. EH!! WTF, I FELT SOMETHING ON MY BUTT, WTF!!!!!! Woow, that's some big shit. Is it even possible to have a dick this big- woow -Oh Yeah!! Moann!! Ah, I remember when Loki said that he was fucked by a demonic giant horse, is this how he felt? I envy you Loki bastard!
Ah if you guys didn't know, well loki fucked with a demonic horse, and one who's gigantic at that, probably one thousand time Bigger than your normal one. So yeah his dick was also one thousand time bigger. Don't ask me how it's even possible, but one thing is for sure, Loki is........ an hermaphrodite, and a zoophile too( muwahahaha!!!!! On your face loki's worshippers!!) But woow, the feeling - moan - Crack Ehh?!?
Akivasha von schlatterstein POV
Guys you need to know something about us, vampires. The stronger we get, the bigger is our dick. So yeah, my dick is pretty big. In fact, it's so big that you might think it's a fan art. But that's not the most interresting part, the freaking hilarious thing is our special skill "women enslaver". It let us multiply the number of our dick by the number of the years we lived, and that's my dear Sir, is fucking op. By the way, I unconsciously used it and I reckt god to the atomic level.
But this is weird. Her body wasn't that of a giant, the only thing that had that aspect was her boobs, so how could she survive for that long. Maybe inside her pussy was a space distortion spell that make it bigger in the inside than the outside. Now try imagining it and hold back your laugher. I challenge you. Returning to our topic - my introductions - I rulled over the universe for quite a bit of time, and since I'm bored, i'm gonna go and kill myself. Drink some bleach or throw myself over a cliff- Oh, wait. That wont do shit. Sigh, this is pretty sad. Since even if every possible misfortune happens to me I wont be scratched, I need to think of a creative way to kill myself. All of this is thanks to a skill that I really "cherish" called "Mc's opness".
I have surpassed god to become the op mc, so it's impossible to kill me unless I will it- Ah, and before I forget. Now, I'm at the end of the universe and I must say that it's pretty dark here, i can't see one goddamn thing. But now that i recall thise events, god was that kind of nasty wasn't she/he- Oh, shit!!!!
You have been shocked to death
Do you wish to reincarnate
"Hell yes"
Welcome to bitch online
Status windowName:Akivasha von schlattersteinAlignementNeutralLevel1Class??Raceblack vampireGenderMaletitlesvampire kingstatesSTR165438AGT276000INT150000WIS500000Dex140000LUK1000
"Wtf am i in some chinese pay to win game or what!!"
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Hey guys sorry for my bad grammar, i'm no native speaker nor an expert and i hated english at school, so yeah if someone want to pr this syory plzz pm me and btw my release dates might be a little all over the place since i'm writing on my phone and i have tests this whole month so yeah i might disappear for like one month anytime soon
Plz rate comment and review it really motivates me