Chapter Nine - Robbing Rob

Alex took a moment to properly assess the situation, as befitted a maid. The two mantises--Rob and Mug, according to what Rem had said--were out ahead of them. Rob was up above, the Mantis hanging halfway off the side of the rooftop, four of her legs holding her back from falling, and her wings spread wide to assist her if she jumped.

Mug was closer by. Alex had learned how to read mantis expressions some time ago, though it was still tricky. Mantises didn't have normal mouths, or eyebrows. There was a little that could be read from the position of their eye stalks, but most of the time, if someone wanted to know how one of them was feeling, they'd have to read their body language.

Mug looked like someone excited, body bent forwards, legs tensed to jump, wings folded but trembling excitedly.

Alex imagined that Mug was maybe planning on launching herself out of the alley she was hiding in. Mug was mostly focused on Alex, so there was nothing to worry about.

"Hello," Alex said gently. "I'm Alex. You seem to be familiar with Rem already?"

"Yes," Rem said. "Come down and try to kill Alex, please." There was an excited frisson that passed through Rem's entire body.

Alex wondered if Rem was more excited to see her sisters die or if it was the fighting itself that excited her. In any case, if Rob and Mug did attack, then Alex would have to fight back. It might not come to that, however.

Mug was looking at Alex, head tilted to one side slightly so that the mantis could get more eyes onto Alex. "You're a cultivator?" she asked.

Alex smiled. "No, not really. I'm a maid in the service of the necromancer Harold. Rem here is my apprentice in the maidly arts. I'm training her to become a butler at the moment. I hope you don't mind me using you as an objective lesson in manners and respectability?"

Mug looked from Alex, to Rem, then back. "Rem, who is this idiot?" Mug asked while pointing a scythe-arm at Alex.

"That's the maid," Rem said. "If you think you can eat Alex, then go ahead. Try. I want to see. But Alex, you're not allowed to turn them into butlers!"

"I see. I suppose training one mantis to become a butler is enough work for me," Alex admitted.

"We're not going to become butlers," Mug said. "We're going to take your stuff. I want your pretty dress, and your money. And your meat."

"You can't eat Alex," Rem snapped.

"Yes I can," Mug said. They sounded almost confused. "I just need to put them in my mouth, then do like this." They moved their mandibles, chewing on air as if to show Rem how it was done.

"Yeah, I've been eating stuff all my life. I want the pretty dress too," Rob said.

Mug spun, a quick sudden motion that left her staring up at Rob above. "You can't! I called it first. It's mine after I take it."

"Yeah, okay. It's yours. But then I'll take it."

"No!" Mug said. She waved her arms around in protest. "You always do this. I steal a thing, and it's mine, then you take it. That's not fair!"

"Then don't be so easy to steal from then, idiot," Rob said.

Rem huffed. "None of you are taking Alex away from me!" Rem shouted. "Alex is my maid."

Alex felt a little flutter in their chest at that. It was nice that Rem was being a little protective. They were still planning on teaching her to be a proper butler, and butlers needed to have a certain degree of possessiveness towards their master, but there was no reason they couldn't encourage a little protectiveness as well. Alex was surprisingly proud of how far Rem had come in such a short time.

"Now, now," Alex said calmly. "This situation is devolving into a fight when really there's no need for that. I must warn you that I can only allow a certain amount of interference in my work. Rem, you might want to take note of this."

"Of what?" Rem asked. "We're just posturing, we haven't even started killing each other yet."

"Yeah!" Mug said. "You're supposed to give me all your stuff, then I kill you."

Stolen story; please report.

"Why would we do that?" Rem asked.

"Because if you give me your stuff, then Rob will know that it's my stuff. Then I kill you because I'm hungry and the maid smells strong."

Alex blinked, then very surreptitiously sniffed at their armpit. There was no detectable scent.

Rob jumped off the roof, landing behind Mug with an earth-shaking thump. She was bigger than either Mug or Rem. Taller and thicker. Alex guessed that she was also older. Alex hadn't paid too much attention to it while Rob was far above, but now that she was on the ground level, the scars and old wounds dotted across her body stood out a lot more.

"If no one wants to do anything but look stupid at each other, then I'm gonna just do my thing," Rob said.

The large mantis lumbered over to Alex. Then Rem stepped up in front of Alex.

Alex was touched, but this was a bad time for that. They cleared their throat.

Rem and Rob stared at each other, the former with her head lowered and the latter with her own eyes looking down. "I'm not going to let you steal Alex. Only I get to eat the maid."

Alex reached over and gently places a hand on Rem's shoulder. "Chivalry is an important aspect of a butler's methodology and way of life, but, in some cases, you must be willing to step aside. I thank you for your attempt, but please allow me to handle the situation in a manner appropriate for a maid, and not a butler, such as yourself."

"What are you talking about, stupid weird maid?" Rem asked.

"Rem, I know that this is your sister, but we have a job to do and a schedule to keep. We're here in the city for a reason. If you want, we can continue shopping after I've taken care of these two young ladies."

"This isn't time for a lesson, this is time to kill Rob and eat her."

Alex shook her head. Rem was nice, but there was still so much they had to learn. "Let's take this opportunity to study one of the caretaker arts. Notably, the art of packing."

"Packing?" Rem asked.

"Yes. Observe carefully, please," Alex said. A hand dipping into their purse and removed a small spool of ribbon. It was made of a rather simple cloth, but dyed in a nice greenish colour. A simple pattern of lace was inlaid across the middle of the strip of ribbon, giving it just a little bit of flair without distracting the eye too much.

"There once was a chore quite bland,

For which no one raised their hand

But with a twirl of the wrist

And a mystical list

Summoned forth a helpful Mage Hand!"

Rob leaned back hard as not one, but seven mage hands appeared around Alex.

Stepping closer to the mantis, Alex flicked the spool of ribbon out, then ducked out of the way of a quick swipe of the mantis' scythe. A mage hand caught the spool, another the unfurling ribbon, and then Alex dove forwards, rolling under Rob's blows and between her many legs.

Hopping up on the other side, Alex swiped their dress clean of any detritus, then caught the spool of ribbon.

Rob tried to spin around to attack Alex, but that only made things worse. The mantis was covered in ribbons. Some lengths were folded onto themselves and tied into knots, others had looped around Rob's scythes, head, and many limbs. The mage hands were swooping in and out, like birds after prey.

With a dull thump, the mantis hit the ground, rolled over a few times, then came to a stop.

Alex clapped their hands together, smiling down at the mantis. It wasn't their best work, and a little flashy, but it had worked.

Mug was laughing.

It was the same sort of laughter that Alex had heard before, and that made the entire affair less enjoyable.

Rob looked like a confused holiday tree. she tried to move, tripped, tried to correct herself, and only got caught even more in the web of ribbons.

"See," Alex said. "This is what a proper application of a little maid-ly creativity and simple spellwork can allow you to do." She gestured to Mug. Mug stopped laughing. "Your turn!"

***