Chapter Eight - Murderous Mantises

Rem was bored. Very very bored.

The entire trip from Yu Xiang to Shitake City had been one long boring boring trip filled with nothing to do but be bored and worried.

She had not had a single chance to take a bite out of the annoying maid sitting next to her. Not one! Alex must have known that Rem was looking for an opportunity to lunge and bite their stupid maid head off, because they never lowered their guard.

Once, on the second day of their trip, Rem had stared at Alex's face for a few hours, watching the way the morning sun filtered through Alex's stupid soft hair, the way their eyes focused so diligently on the road, the way their little chin had the faintest of dimples in the middle.

Alex hadn't been paying attention, not until they turned, whipped out a handkerchief, and started to rudely wipe the saliva off of Rem's face.

Rem was going to eat them.

She was biding her time. Waiting for the perfect moment to strike. It would come, of course. Alex would lower their guard one day and Rem would be waiting for that very moment. Then she'd wrap Alex in her strong arms, grab onto Alex's stupid pouty lips, and rip them off Alex's face before chewing their delicious maid intestines.

She was looking forward to it the entire trip, but no, all Rem had found was boredom. Days sitting on a padded bench not designed for mantis' while they rode atop the hilly roads of this nowhere part of the world.

The Flaming Steppes had nothing to see and less to do. It was no wonder the Jade Throne didn't care about this place. Why should they? There was no good hunting, no good fights, the magic in the air was thin and constantly washed away by the wind.

Rem was actually looking forward to getting back to her home.

More or less.

She knew what her mother would do to her if she was caught. The outfit, with the lapels, and the soft silk undershirt, and the warm pants covering all of her legs... that wouldn't be accepted. The Mantis Queen would rip it off of Rem like a little human child ripping into a present, then the nice butler uniform, made by Alex who even Rem would admit was a good tailor, out of materials that seemed like even the most powerful of cultivators would be proud of, would be tossed aside.

Rem was more worried about herself in that situation, of course. She'd be eaten, which was how a lot of her sisters ended.

Rem could still vividly remember the example her mother had made of Mes.

It had taken weeks to get the pieces of that sister cleaned up.

"What are you doing?" Alex asked.

Rem turned towards the maid, then glanced down at what she'd been doing. The tip of her scythe was carving little designs into the wood of the carriage's bench. She was actually very good at that kind of carving. There were several images of mantises, with large scythes and terrifying faces, which was her, and several depictions of maids.

Most of them had their heads drawn on the ground next to them, with fountains of blood coming out of their delicious neck holes. "Nothing," Rem said.

"If you're doing nothing, then maybe we could do it while practising your magic?" Alex asked. They were being encouraging again, with that stupid 'nice' tone like Rem needed any help.

"Rem doesn't need help."

"I didn't say you did," Alex said. A warm maid hand came out and patted Rem on the back. "Just that you might want to practice some more. A butler's job is to improve their master's lot, but also their own."

"Rem's improving herself plenty," Rem said rather testily.

Alex smiled that insufferable smile that Rem kept seeing in her dreams. "Okay. I don't want to push you too hard. The journey to improvement is never-ending, but that doesn't mean that you can't take little breaks along the way. One trick is to switch from one task that's difficult to another that's a little simpler. Like going from cleaning a chimney to simply sweeping the floor."

"Rem doesn't care."

"Anyway. I think with Bone Daddy occupied, we can take a little tour of the city!"

Rem blinked her eyes at that. The suggestion had come out of nowhere. Since they'd arrived in Shitake City, all they'd done was drive the carriage around the city's confusing streets. Rem had been tempted to make a run for it a few times already, but she didn't think she could escape the maid. She definitely couldn't escape Harold.

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Mem was gone already, stumbling away like a moron to do whatever stupid thing she was going to do. Probably with her stupid mage hand that she'd figured out before Rem had.

She brought her scythe down onto one of the little mantises carved onto the bench a few times. "Fine," Rem said. "Where does the maid want to go?"

Alex shrugged. "Just exploring. It's nice to know what's available in a city. Local delicacies, sources of raw materials for our work. The food and current fashion trends. Even just knowing where a reliable general store is can be valuable."

Rem rolled her eye stalks around. This was exactly why she didn't want to be a stupid maid, or a butler or whatever. This was a waste of time. Her mother had told her that the only way to grow stronger was to hunt and fight and consume the flesh of things that didn't want to be eaten. Like cultivators and other mantises.

Shopping and buying things didn't feature in all of that. Her powerful mother didn't shop. She was given expensive and glorious gifts from the envoys of the Jade throne.

Rem had never received anything from the Jade Emperor, but she was just one of her mother's many hundreds of children. She would need to be much stronger to distinguish herself enough for that.

Still, Rem couldn't find a reason not to follow Alex just then. It was better than sitting on the carriage, parked in some stinking stable. "Okay," she said.

They both stepped off the carriage and after a minute or two of Alex's usual fussing, they started talking. Alex led with a stupid smile, steps light and measured, the long skirt of their uniform billowing out slightly.

Rem didn't know how they moved without making noise. It was infuriating to be the louder of the two. She was supposed to be a predator!

"Why are you hissing and waving your arms now?" Alex asked.

"I want to be the quiet one!" Rem hissed.

"Then doing that seems kind of counter-productive."

Rem stared at the maid, who smiled innocently.

She really didn't get along with Alex. The maid was too different. Too weird. Alex had a way of smiling, and making jokes, and making things happen, but it was all a trick. Rem knew it was a trick, because the maid had tried it on her before.

She had thought, for a brief moment, that it might have been working, that she was starting to like the maid. That was when the truth had hit her.

Alex was an asshole.

Rem knew assholes. She was an asshole. She liked being an asshole. She was good at being an asshole. Assholes and cultivators, Rem's mother had once said, were always smiling and saying that they were doing things for you, but in reality, all they cared about was themselves.

Rem could respect that. In herself. And maybe in some of her more tolerable sisters. Sure, they'd stab each other in the back, but it was understood.

Alex was a new sort of asshole. The kind that actually cared about the stuff they pretended to care about.

It was all very confusing, and it didn't fit into the neat dynamic that Rem had grown up understanding. Prey, predator, asshole, cultivator, food, mother. The six things that everything fit into. Alex didn't.

It annoyed her.

"We can start with the shopping district," Alex said. "A lot of stores will be closing up, but there are some that stay open late. If you want to buy something, I can teach you how to barter, but for now I think it would be best to just take a look and see what kinds of things the city sells and for how much. Then we can plan out where we want to shop tomorrow when the markets are in full swing. What do you think of that, Rem? Do you want to look at the shops, or should we find somewhere to have dinner first?"

Rem gave the idea some thought. "Food," she said. Food was the best option.

Alex grinned. "Alright. I have some discretionary funds. We can eat somewhere ni--" Alex cut off mid-word, and Rem found herself readying for an attack.

And it came, but not physically.

There was a mantis on the road ahead of them, standing there while looking right at Rem. "Rem?" she asked. There was another mantis, up on the rooftops, just their head sticking out to stare.

Rem glared. "Rob," she hissed. "Rob and Mug."

The two mantises grinned. "This... is a stick up. Give us all your meat, Rem!"

***