41.
Sarah sat in the room that the Yonohoans had given her, alone, reading a letter that she had written herself. It was in her handwriting, yet she had believed for three months that it came from Diego. The doctors had presented it to her in an effort to try to pierce through her delusions.
She knew that she was sick. That she was experiencing psychiatric symptoms, which she had been ignoring, dismissing, or denying for months.
But loving Diego gave her joy. Knowing that he loved her back, a fact which was as fundamental to her being as oxygen, kept her going as she focused on the treatment that was designed to slow and perhaps reverse the damage caused by Tunnel Drive exposure.
She knew this to be true.
So why was everyone lying to her?
She tore the letter into shreds and threw them into the reclaimer. She huffed in frustration and bit her fingernails, which were down to the stub. She wished that she could talk to Diego. It had been so long since he’d held her last, since she’d heard his voice.
Since she’d held him.
Since she’d tasted him.
She dismissed the idea that some of those memories were false before the thought even registered in her conscious mind.
A small blue holographic ball appeared in her line of vision; the sign that someone was attempting to contact her and that the connection was secure.
“Accept call,” she said, and three people appeared via hologram. Captain Moon, Liu Wei from the medical team, and Trenola, the Yonohoan who was leading the project to try to reverse her brain damage.
“Hello everyone. To what do I owe the pleasure?” she asked.
“I was calling to see how you were holding up on planet Totola,” Captain Moon said.
“It’s beautiful. So much like earth, yet the grass and the skies are slightly different shades. I can’t quite pretend that I’m back home, but it’s so familiar that I can come close,” she said. “How long until Diego can join me on the surface? He lives here now, right? As Eolai’s brother he’s a citizen, so once we marry I’ll be a citizen as well. I can live here with him and nobody can keep us apart.”
“Let’s discuss other matters for the time being, Sarah,” Liu suggested. “There are too many variables to begin making concrete plans like that. We’ve discussed this before.”
“I know,” she agreed. “It’s just hard to be separated from him.”
“How have you been sleeping?” Liu inquired.
“Being back in gravity helps,” she admitted. “And so do the medications. I’m not certain which medication does what or how it affects my mental state, but I’m feeling good, doctors. Captain. I realize that with as advanced as my case has become you can’t put me back on duty, but I’d like to contribute to the mission if I can. Can I make some broadcasts, like the others have been doing?”
“Regretfully, Sarah, I must recommend against such an action at this time,” Liu said. “You may keep a video, audio, or holographic journal. I actually recommend that, it can be very therapeutic. But it would be a violation of your rights to allow you to broadcast yourself in such a fashion while you are receiving psychiatric treatment.”
“How is it a violation of my rights if it’s what I want?” she challenged, growing angry.
“Sarah,” Liu whispered calmly, and Sarah took a step back, forcing herself to do a breathing exercise.
“Sorry,” she said. “Accept that which I cannot change and change the things I can and all of that. I know.”
“In many ways you’re showing vast signs of improvement, Sarah,” Liu assured her. “The rate at which your disease was progressing has seemed to have stabilized. There hasn’t been any signs of it getting better, but it doesn’t seem to be getting worse either.”
“That’s great, Doc,” Sarah agreed. “I won’t be too much of a drooling vegetable for Diego, will I? I’ll be able to take care of myself once I get out of here again, right?”
“We’re leaving all options on the table regarding your future treatment, Sarah,” Liu informed her. “Including the possibility of long term institutionalized care. Once we have your physical condition under firm control, we may look into the possibility of returning you to Earth for our own psychiatric professionals to --”
“No!” she exclaimed.
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“Diego can’t leave planet Totola, so neither can I,” she insisted.
“Diego wants you to get better, Sarah,” Captain Moon said. The medical professionals looked at her with calm expressions, but didn’t stop her as she continued. “He was the one who raised the red flag that you were showing symptoms. If we had taken his warnings more seriously we might have diagnosed you sooner. It wouldn’t have changed the amount of exposure that you received, but we would have been more adaptable to deal with your psychiatric symptoms.”
“Of course it was Diego who noticed,” Sarah said, smiling. “You see? That’s proof that he loves me.”
The three other women exchanged unreadable looks, and then Trenola stepped forward and began speaking in great detail about the progress that was being made in both understanding the damage to her brain and the effects of the experimental treatments which were being performed.
While medical nanites remained a possibility, they had irreversible side effects of their own which, complimented with her psychiatric symptoms, made them contraindicated. Instead the treatment plan was to use medications to attempt to prune the damaged dendrites while simultaneously triggering new connections to grow to take their place.
“Unfortunately, due to the nature of this treatment, there may be changes to your personality. You may become forgetful or simultaneously remember many things which you have forgotten. You should regain some of your lost cognitive abilities. We’ll be going slow and measuring your progress daily on the physical level, as well as your subjective experience,” Trenola explained.
“Will I become a completely different person, Doc?” she inquired.
“You’ll retain the core of who you are, Sarah. We are always changing from the person we were yesterday into the person we will be tomorrow. The delta points between those two variables might be a little larger because of your condition and the treatment for it, but we believe that this is the best solution to improve your health,” Liu said.
“What if I say no to the treatment?” She asked.
The other women again exchanged looks.
“At the moment, Sarah, your treatment is in the hands of Captain Moon and Liu. They are from your culture and understand better than I do the nuances that are attached to the treatment of diseases of the mind,” Trenola explained. “However, as a Yonohoan, I would not force an experimental treatment upon an unwilling patient even if I believed that it was in their best interest for them to receive it.”
“And I would object as well,” Captain Moon said.
“I would also withhold my approval. It has to be your choice, Sarah. We believe that this treatment is your best option if you want to get better, but if you refuse to participate then we’ll continue with the current medications which are slowing the progression of your disease and continue with whatever talk-therapy you’re willing to participate in,” Liu explained.
“I need time to think. And I want to know more about the therapy before I make my decision,” she determined. “Leave me alone for a while so I can do that.”
“Of course,” Trenal agreed, and she quickly vanished.
The two other Earthlings remained. “I’m not going to pressure you into the experimental treatment, Sarah. But I do believe that you should get some exercise and visit with the other patients,” Captain Moon said. “Don’t spend too much time stewing in your own juices.”
“I’ll take it under advisement, captain,” she answered.
“As your primary care doctor, I also recommend taking part in some of the educational and entertainment holographic programs that are available in your facility upon request,” Liu suggested. “Watch a few alien movies, Sarah. Doctor’s orders.”
“I might just do that, doc,” Sarah said, laughing.
“Goodbye for now, Sarah, and take care of yourself,” Captain Moon said before vanishing.
“What she said. I’ll check in again tomorrow,” Liu agreed.
Left alone in her room, Sarah debated going for a walk. Then she decided that she’d done enough brooding for the day.
“Computer, I want to laugh. Show me a Yonohoan comedy program. You can do that, right?” she asked.
“Yes, Sarah, I have that capability. I am selecting one of our classic cultural comedies. If you have any questions about the program, please feel free to voice them. I will pause the hologram to endeavor to explain,” the hospital wide AI informed her in a kind but sexless voice.
Abruptly a little girl appeared in the room. She was playing with a Topokan. But not just any Topokan, it was her Topokan. If any boy would frighten her, then she would call her Topokan and the boy would run away screaming.
But the little girl was very pretty, so whenever her Topokan was not around the boys would appear and attempt to get her to kiss them. So she would call for her Topokan and her Topokan would come running, and the boys would run away laughing and screaming.
The conflict of the film began as the girl grew older and wanted to go on Toormonda. She couldn’t bring her Topokan with her. And there would be boys on the ship who would undoubtedly want to kiss her, and maybe more.
The film showed her reluctance to separate from her guardian. The film ended with her boarding the Toormonda, and her Topokan blatantly sniffing each of the boys that with her on the trip and growling at them menacingly when they objected.
Sarah thought the entire program was hilarious. Especially the resemblance of the alien creatures to a cartoon she had seen growing up. She only understood parts of the film’s cultural meaning, and she wrote a report on the film for her captain to consider what she had learned.
Perhaps she could still be useful after all, she thought to herself. While she couldn’t contribute to the mission in an official capacity, since she was being ‘ordered’ to watch Yonohoan media, she might as well offer her impressions of their culture in a semi-official report.