Cadoc had something to say after my call with RENA. Before making our next move, he said, we ought to say some words for the two adventurers who had died. Amaia agreed. I obviously didn’t want to - I was trying very hard not to think about those two people ever again, to be honest - but I knew that saying “no” would cause trouble. So I told him what he wanted to hear, and said yes.
The three of us stood, heads bowed, in the general area where the adventurers had fallen. Because of the nature of the deaths, we couldn’t be much more specific than that. It was a field of carnage, impossible to tell where the viscera of one body ended and the next one began. The smell was making my eyes water, but I steeled myself. We’ll say something quick, and then leave. It was hard to take it seriously - I was still thinking about Dimen-X screwing me over. My blood was simmering, barely under control.
Cadoc started.
“We did not know this man and woman,” he said. “But we saw how they fought. They fought bravely, and they died bravely. They did not run, did not abandon each other, they stood and fought, seeking to protect a teammate who did not return the favor. Both of them died hero’s deaths. May their bravery inspire our future deeds.”
Amaia was next, and surprisingly enough, she spoke. Though it was characteristically short.
“They are free now,” she said, simply.
Then it was my turn. I wasn’t sure what to say; in other circumstances, I might have balked at this eulogizing business. But I was angry, an anger that had been lit after the fight with Berenguer’s illusion. It had waxed and waned, but never fully extinguished from my heart, and now RENA had stoked it, Dimen-X had poured gasoline on it, because they were trying to fuck me, they were trying to fuck me and act like it was just business, and now the fire blazed, and my emotions ran unchecked. I don’t know what the final catalyst was - something Cadoc or Amaia had said, or maybe the pot had just finally boiled over. I knew that the adventurers were probably NPCs, and that there was nothing we could do, but the thought that they may not have been, and that I should have tried harder either way, those thoughts had been bubbling under the surface. Now, my bottled up emotions came rushing out.
“The world isn’t fair,” I said to the room, to Cadoc and Amaia and to the bodies of adventurers and Kalamuzi alike. “Whenever you start to think that it might be, you’ll be proven wrong, and the world will punish you for the mistake. A friend will betray you, or a plan will fall apart, or maybe you’ll just die. And there’s nothing you can do about it. Because the world isn’t fair.
“We couldn’t save you,” I said to the remains, fists clenched. “There wasn’t enough time. It all happened in seconds. Climbing down a rope would have taken too long. Finding another way down was seemingly impossible. Even throwing spears, like we did later, would have never worked in time. We would have been sharpening sticks while you were eaten.
“I told myself,” I said, and then I choked up, had to clear my throat and blink away hot tears, trying not to fall apart. “I told myself that I wouldn’t let the world cheat anymore. I told myself that I would do what Tom would have done, and I would make it work, even when I was getting cheated. I said I wouldn’t let the world get away with it.
“But I did.” I was crying now. “I let it do it, again. Because I was too fucking weak. I was too weak to make the world do what it was fucking supposed to, so I stood by and watched, and I didn’t even try. And I’m sorry. It-it wasn’t supposed to be like this. You weren’t supposed to die here. You were supposed to be saved by someone, and that someone isn’t me, but here I am. Here I am, and I’m all you’ve fucking got, and that wasn’t good enough, and I’m sorry. And I promised that I would make it good enough, and I didn’t, and so now you’re dead, and I don’t even know your names and so I shouldn’t care, but I do, you died because of me, be-because I wasn’t strong enough to do things right.”
Cadoc and Amaia both put a hand on my shoulder, but I shrugged them off. “I don’t know how many of you are going to die,” I continued. “How many of you are going to die because they sent the wrong guy.”
My voice died off. I tried to collect myself, but my mind was a whirl.
A voice from the past whispered to me. “Don’t worry about it, Miles,” it said. “Some people just aren’t meant to succeed.”
“No!” I yelled, hands on my head like I was trying to block the noise from coming into my ears, even though it came from inside. “Stop!”
If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.
“I’m not angry,” the voice said. “I’m just disappointed in you. I thought you could do better, Miles.”
“Get out! Get out of my head!”
“Did you really try your best, Miles? Maybe your best just wasn’t good enough.”
“You think I don’t know that!” I screamed. “I know! I’ve always known. I’m not good enough. I’m not good enough.”
I shook my head violently. “I’m not giving up. I’ll prove you all wrong, all of you. I’ll show you. If I get strong enough…if I get strong enough, who’s going to stop me? I don’t need a spark. I need a fire. You can have all the freewill and spark you want. A tornado, or a tsunami, or a wildfire, they don’t have consciousness, they don’t have sparks. But a wildfire will still burn you away until there’s nothing but ash.”
I collapsed, falling to my knees. I was tired. So very tired. I passed out.
-
I woke up staring at the ceiling. I was on the ground, but something was cushioning my head - which was appreciated, as I had a pounding headache. Maybe I had hit it when I fell over. I could hear little grunts and yells from nearby, and I turned my head. I saw Cadoc, sword in hand, practicing his swings amidst the corpses. He had a fierce look of determination on his face, which I could see even in profile.
“You’re awake,” someone else said.
I turned the other way, and saw Amaia’s face looming over mine. Her angular, scarred face, rough and worn. Not that I was scared of her or anything, but I did almost jump when I saw her face suddenly, that close to me. She wasn’t ugly per se, but she was intimidating. I was often thinking about how lucky Cadoc and I were to not be fighting against her down there in the dungeon.
I realized, then, what was cushioning my head. I hurried to sit up, but my head was swimming. I got dizzy immediately, and felt like I was going to hurl.
“It’s fine,” Amaia said, putting a hand on my shoulder. “You just worked yourself up, is all. Rest.”
I fell back down, giving up. I didn’t have much of a choice. I was so dizzy that if I had stood, I definitely would have fallen over. I tried to relax, despite the situation. Fine. Whatever. I know we didn’t exactly bring pillows along with us, but… whatever.
I laid there, head in Amaia’s lap, staring at the ceiling. I tried not to think about the last time I’d been in that position. Complicated times.
After a little while, Amaia spoke again.
“I get it,” she said.
“Huh?” I said. I didn’t know what she was talking about.
“I get it.”
I foolishly thought she would elaborate, but she didn’t. She just stared straight ahead, and I didn’t bother pressing her. I didn’t have the strength, and I’d long since learned it wasn’t worth the effort.
Surprisingly, she continued, after a while.
“I know what it’s like to feel like you owe someone something.”
I shook my head. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“To…” she paused. “To feel like you don’t live up to someone’s expectations.” She paused again, thinking, waiting. When I didn’t respond, she spoke again.
“You… you don’t owe them. Whoever it is. Tom. RENA… Your parents. You don’t even owe those dead adventurers anything. You didn’t even know them. You don’t owe anyone anything.”
“You don’t get it,” I said. How could she? There was no chance that she was like me, the man in the middle. She was either an NPC, living in ignorant bliss, or she had a spark. I was leaning towards her having a spark, though it was hard to tell because of how little she talked. But if she had a spark, that meant that she could never, ever understand what it’s like not to have one.
“No?” she asked. She looked me in the eyes for just a moment, which made me realize how often she didn’t do that.
“No.”
Silence again, for awhile. Nothing but the sounds of Cadoc, breathing heavy, and the sound of his sword cutting the air.
“It isn’t worth anything,“ she said. “But for what it’s worth, I think you’re doing good enough.” She patted my head, like I was a child. Or a dog. A little air escaped my nostrils, half-amused, half-worried. “You’re insane, yes. Crazy. But good enough, I think.”
“Yippee,” I said, drolly. “Amaia thinks I’m acceptable. I’ve worked so hard for this moment.”
“Shut up,” she said. Then she laughed. “I guess you’re feeling better.”
I shrugged. “I guess I’m feeling good enough.” I said. Amaia nodded.
“Good. Comforting you is uncomfortable. Never done this before.”
“Really?” I said. “You’re good at it. A natural. Maybe you’re in the wrong line of work. You’re sort of motherly, y’know?”
She turned away, blushing. “Alright,” she said. “Sit up.”
I laughed. “I was just starting to get comfortable, actually. I think I’ll stay.”
She stood without warning, and I rolled away, my head hitting the stone floor with a thud.
Apparently, the noise was loud enough to distract Cadoc from his training. He turned to us and called. “You alright over there, friends?”
I sat up, rubbing my head and groaning. “I’m being abused! Save me, Cadoc!”
“He’s fine,” Amaia said, brushing off her thighs, as if I had gotten her dirty or something. To be fair, I probably was quite dirty. “Well enough to make jokes, even.”
“Good!” Cadoc said. He sheathed his sword and made his way over to us. He was smiling, seemingly having forgotten about the dead adventurers. Maybe the eulogies helped. Or maybe the sword-swinging. Maybe both. People process their emotions in strange ways, I supposed.
“I see three options,” Cadoc said, getting right to business. “We can return, collect our rope, and try the third door that exits the kitchen. Or, we can try to climb to the other platform. I suppose one of us could walk over from the other platform with the ring, and then let down the rope from there.
“Or, naturally, we could follow the coward. That is still my vote, but I understand that we ought to discuss it.”
“Following that woman is dangerous,” I said. “We’d have to leave our rope here, and if anyone came by, they could just take it. Then we’d be stuck down here.”
“Must be another way down,” Amaia said.
“Ah, a wise observation,” Cadoc said. “We have found no ropes. If they didn’t come down this way, then there must be another way that we haven’t found yet. In fact, the adventurers must have come from that door the coward went down, originally. Perhaps they were being chased by something.”
“Sound like another reason not to follow,” I said.
“So that is your vote, yes?” Cadoc motioned to Amaia. “You?”
Amaia nodded her head towards the door that the woman had fled through.
“It is decided then!” Cadoc clapped me on the shoulder. “Cheer up, Miles. Adventure awaits!”
I sighed.