Something is eating my tomatoes. Something is eating my tomatoes and I’m going to find out what it is. I tell you. I am going to get one of Jud’s traps and I’m going to stick it right out there in the tomato patch and I’m going to catch whatever it is that’s eating my tomatoes. I’m going to do that tonight. Set that trap. I’ll use a tomato as bait. I’ll stick a whole tomato plant in there if I have to. Nobody eats Jean-Louis Barbour’s tomatoes without permission. No sir, they do not.

I bet I can get Becky to help me set my trap. Be good to get her out and doing things instead of moping around all the time. That poor girl. Next weekend I’m going to take her down to Jackson and have a girls’ day. We’ll get our nails done and I’ll take her down to Fondren and to that cute little costume jewelry store next to the Target. Try to get her mind off Cincinnati and that boy. What did she say his name was? Joey? That’s right. That poor girl.

I don’t see what the big deal is. So she had a little scare. It happens. And even if she had been pregnant that wouldn’t have been so bad. I was around Becky’s age when I had her father, and her mother was only a couple years older when she had Becky. We would have had another little Barbour baby to raise and that’s never been a bad thing. No sir, it has not.

I’m going to catch that tomato thieving so-and-so. I swear to Jesus. I know Jud keeps his traps out in the back. I might just go back there and sneak one and set it up right now. If he catches me he’ll give me that look and say, “What on God’s green earth are you doing,” but I’ll just give him a little wiggle and he’ll hush right up.

How are my hummingbird feeders? Where are my little babies? Come on little babies! Come and get your nectar. Sweet little birdies with their little hearts beating a mile a minute. Sweet little babies. Fly fly fly little babies. Zip zip zip. Where are they? So late this year.

Ugh. That boy put another one of his trash piles out. Look at that thing. All rusty and terrible. Why does he have to make everything look so ugly? You can look at it and tell it’s solid. He could be making all kinds of pretty little statues. Instead he’s got to make all these big rusty ugly ones. What is that even supposed to be? Some kind of man? Looks like a pile of trash to me. Yes sir, it does indeed. Ugh.

Becky! Sweetpea! Sweetpea, what are you doing right now? You know you’re not doing anything Miss Rebecca. Don’t give me that look. I know you’re sad and homesick but I am your grandmother. Would you like to come and work in the garden with me? I’m going to try set a trap for whatever it is that keeps eating all my tomatoes. You don’t have to help me if you don’t want. Well, have fun at the pool then, Sweetpea.

That girl is a fish. Yes sir, I tell you. I’ll have to tell her father. That girl loves to swim. I bet they could put her on a swim team at that school in Cincinnati. That would give her something to do besides that stupid little boy of hers. I swear.

Maybe she’s got a new boy over by the pool. Maybe that’s why she’s going over there every day. I might go to the pool later and check. Or I could tell that Connie to keep her eyes open. Not that Becky having a new little boyfriend at the pool would be the end of the world. I don’t know why people are so surprised when young people sneak around like that. I’d be more surprised if they didn’t.

Let’s go see if we can dig up one of Jud’s traps.

There’s Momma Cat. When are you going to bring me some more babies? Huh? More little kitties? Oh you’re deciding to be nice? Okay. Good girl. Sweet girl. Go find that gray tom from last year and bring me some more babies. Yes, ma’am.

Okay. If I was a trap where would I be? I would be… hanging on the wall? Oh there’s one. Okay. Here we go.

This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

Look at that ugly thing. How long is he going to keep that sitting there? I hope he carts it off to the school before tomorrow. Why can’t that boy build something nice and pretty? I bet I could get him to build something nice if I asked him. I bet he could get a girlfriend if he built something pretty instead of all that nasty trash. That’s the way to go with it. I’ll talk to Jud about it and see what he thinks. Maybe we can set him up with some girl, maybe one of Debra’s granddaughters. I think the oldest one is going to Delta State right now. That would be easy to set up. If that boy falls in love I bet he’d stop building all these ugly things and start building nice things. That’d be lovely. I’ll talk to Jud about it. I’ll call Debra.

Here we go. Set this here. Here. Yes. Okay, set this here and open this. And this tomato is good. There. There. Okay. Okay! We’re going to catch that little so-and-so. We’re going to catch him and I’ll have Jud take him over on the other side of the levee and let him go. Maybe drive him out toward Shaw and let him go out there so he can’t come back. Anyway we’re going to catch him tonight! Yes sir!

Where is Jud? He’s probably tootling around out there somewhere. I hope he comes back before Becky so we can have a quickie. It’s hot out here today. I’m going to make some lemonade!

Lemonade, lemonade. We’ll need to run into town soon and stock up. I wonder if there’s anything Becky wants special. Maybe cereal? We could make rice krispie treats! That’s fun! We could make brownies and decorate them with frosting. We could make fudge! That’s it right there. I’m going to teach that girl my fudge recipe. We’ll make the normal kind with nuts and some special ones without nuts for Jud, and we’ll send some of Becky’s first fudge to her parents. They’ll love that.

I think we’ll make the pink lemonade. That’s nice.

Was that? Ooh!

Oh my little babies! Look! Where’s Becky? Jud? Oh! Look at you! Wow! You’re a big boy aren’t you? Eat your nectar sweet bird. There’s plenty, there’s enough for you and all your little friends. Alright! Fly off and tell them the bar is open! Momma Jean’s got food for everybody! Yay! My little babies!

I wish Becky had been here to see him. The first ruby-throat of the season! They don’t have hummingbirds up there in Ohio I don’t think. Maybe? I’m not sure actually. I’ll ask Jud.

Wow. Okay. Lemonade.

That was a big hummingbird. I hope he comes back. I’ll have to think of a good name for him. He was so big! I’ll call him something like… who’s that really tall basketball player? The white man? Larry Bird? Larry Bird! Oh that’s just too perfect.

Larry Bird!

I hope Larry Bird comes back so I can show Jud and Becky. Ooh! It’s so exciting!

Oh! There’s Jud. Jud!

Jud! Jud, my hummingbirds! I saw one. And he was big. He might have been the biggest hummingbird I’ve ever seen. I’m going to call him Larry Bird, but I’m not going to tell you that yet. I’m going to wait until he comes back. Jud!

Jud you dog! Don’t pinch me there in the yard. What if that boy in Miss Monica’s airplane house sees? He might make an ugly statue out of us. I don’t want to be an ugly statue. Yes, Becky went to the pool. I made lemonade. Pink. In the fridge. I’m going to use it to catch whatever it is that’s been eating my tomatoes. I think it’s set up right. A tomato. I don’t think it’s a raccoon. I don’t know what it is that’s why I wanted to set the trap.

I’m not sure how long she’ll be at the pool. I hope it’s a while. I hope you’re thinking what I’m thinking. I think she might have a boy there at the pool. Not her boy from Ohio; that would be crazy. I’m going to ask that Connie girl that lifeguards to keep her eyes open. Can you imagine if that girl got pregnant while we were supposed to be watching her? After they sent her down here for that very same reason. No it would not be funny! Even though I don’t think it would be that bad at all.

Well, yes. You can kiss me. Ooh! Ooh, Jud! Look! My hummingbird! He came back! Look at how big he is!

He is little, but he’s big for a hummingbird! I’m going to call him Larry Bird. Yes I did come up with that! Ha! He is!

He’s the king hummingbird.

Oh you’re so bad! Let’s go to the back. Okay? Yes. But let’s try to be quick okay? I don’t want Becky walking in on us. She doesn’t need to see me all bent over like that, and I’m sure she doesn’t want to see your wrinkly behind. She’d go blind. Because it’s so white. Well you’d just glow in the dark. Ha!

Okay. Okay, just be…

Oh!

Oh God, Becky’s back! Hurry up, put your pants on Jud! We’re back here Sweetpea! Just a minute. Put your pants on! What are you doing? Becky, I saw the biggest hummingbird while you were gone! We’re going to call him Larry Bird! Jud lock the door. I don’t want her to see me like this.