Something is eating my tomatoes. Look at this. There was a tomato here yesterday. Where’d it go? I’ll tell you one thing and that is that tomatoes don’t just walk away. No sir, they don’t. Something is eating them. Something smart. Something smart enough to trick that trap. But he can’t trick me. I’m going to catch him. I worked way too hard on these tomatoes to let some little critter get them all. Maybe I’ll sit out here tonight with Jud’s squirrel rifle and shoot it when it comes up. Or maybe I could sit up on the porch with the squirrel rifle. Anyway I’m going to get a hold of Jud’s squirrel rifle and shoot that little tomato thieving critter right in his little brain.

Hey, Sweetpea. Yeah? Cobb salad. Tell him I want a Cobb salad. And sweet tea. Could you check and see if we have any more sweet tea. I think Jud might have drunk the last of it already. Thanks, Sweetpea. I hope Jud didn’t drink up all the tea. I’d really like some tea right now. I should have brought a water bottle down here with me. I’m really thirsty. Where’s that hose? Jud must have rolled it up somewhere. Dammit.

When I see that little tomato thief I’m going to put one right in his little skull. His head will pop like a tomato. Red and juicy everywhere. Red and juicy like runny little tomato waterfalls. Oh yes. That’ll show him. Yes sir. I’m the only one who gets to have tomatoes. Hmm? Tell him French! Is there any tea left? No I’ll make some! Ooh. That’s a good question. See if they have any of that Key lime pie! I love that Key lime pie.

I’m so thirsty. I guess I’ll go make that tea.

You watch my tomatoes, ugly statue. All these tomatoes better be here when I get back, understand? If you let that little tomato thief steal any more of my tomatoes I’m going to put a bullet in your little statue brain, too.

Oof, these stairs. I’m sore. Woof, come on girl. You’re not that old. You’re only fifty-one. I hope I’m not getting sick. I better take some vitamin C just in case.

Hey, mmmwa! How’s your foot? Did you order lunch yet? How long? Tea won’t be ready by then. Could you pick up some tea from the bait shop? I really want some tea. I’m thirsty. I’ll get it started anyway. First I need some water. Aah yeah that’s good. This water is so good. Jud, are you using a new filter? The water tastes great! Try it. See? No, it’s different. It tastes just wonderful. Yummy. Where’s my vitamin C? Graaagh! Ugh! Ugh! Dear Lord. That is terrible. There is something wrong with that. I’m okay. I think the vitamin C has turned? As in it has gone bad. Yeah. I didn’t know it did that either. I thought it lasted forever. Woowee! No sir! It even smells bad. You are going right in the trash. Yes sir.

This water is delicious. I wonder how good it will make the tea taste. I bet it will be good. Let’s see. I’ve got my Liptons. Jud did you make coffee this morning? Did you rinse out the pot? Well I’m going to rinse it again anyway. I don’t want coffee-tea. I don’t think anyone’s ever wanted that before. Yuck.

Tea’s cooking! How long did you say for the food? I guess I’m going to get it? Well your foot… Really!? Well I think that is just a wonderful idea! That would! And then after lunch you can go out and find some turn roads. You know, I learned to drive out on the turn roads. I sure did. Your daddy did too. It’s a family tradition is what it is. Yes sir. We’ll write your daddy a note and send it with the fudge. He’ll be so proud of you learning how to drive. We might even bust out the old Polaroid and take a picture of you driving. Wouldn’t that be great?

Alright. Jud be careful going down the steps. I’ll lay everything out. We’re eating at the table, hear? Ooh, Becky! I’m so proud of you! Be careful! There she goes.

Not the mailbox!

Phew!

There she goes.

I’m going to change out of these dirty clothes. That’s what I’m going to do. Let’s get fresh and clean. But first I’ll drink a little more water. Just because it tastes so good.

This book's true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience.

There we go. You go in the hamper, and you go in the hamper too. Do I have any clean bras? There we go. It’s almost time to throw this one away. I can get a new bra when we go into Jackson. Hmm. Maybe we can find Becky one of those gel bras I read about for flat-chested girls. Poor girl.

Look at my ass. Tut. Look at my arms? Is that dirt? What is that? Are these bruises? On my legs? Jesus. No wonder I’m so sore. What’s this all about? Jud wasn’t that rough. Hell he wasn’t rough at all. Did I fall out of the bed? Have I been sleepwalking? I don’t feel any new mosquito bites, so I didn’t sleepwalk out onto the porch and fall down the stairs. Feels like it though. I’m going to get some aspirin. Or maybe some Tylenol.

Hmmm. Hmmm. Hmmm.

Aspirin. And a little water. Schlorp! Mmmm! It’s so good! What did that man put in there for a filter? Do you think some teenagers snuck over the levee and put drugs in the tank? Isn’t there a drug that makes you really like how water tastes? Where’s my rinsing cup? Gulp! Mmmm, it’s so good. Gulp! Mmmm. I just want to stick my face in it. Gulp! Gulp! Gulp! Mmmm! I wish this stopper wasn’t broken. I’d fill up the sink. I could stick my face in the water.

I wonder…

Well, it looks clean. I cleaned this last week right? Of course. I mean. Look at all that delicious water. It’s just sitting in there. Nobody’s drinking it. It’d be a travesty to flush it, right? It tastes so good. Maybe if I… Unh. If I… Lift the seat. Yeah. There we go! Gulp! It’s so good! It feels so good on my face. Gulp! Schlorp! Gulp! Mmmm! Mmmm!

Oh my goodness! What am I doing? There’s all that water still in the tank! I bet I can reach it! Ugh! That’s heavy. Ugh. My neck’s too short. Damn. I wish my neck were longer. Well I can reach in with the cup. Oooh. It’s so cold! Gulp! Yes. Gulp. Oh it’s even better cold! Gulp! Gulp! Gulp! Gulp! Oh it’s so good. Yes sir!

Who needs tea when you have water like this?

Gulp Gulp Gulp Gulp Gulp Gulp. More! Yes, flush it. More water. Yes. Ugh, it’s not as cold! Dammit!

Dammit. Hmmm. They’ll be back with the food soon. I better put some clothes on. Oop! No, I’m back here! Damn, that girl’s going to think her old grandma’s a nudist. Hurry. Hurry. Hurry. Now, that’s better. All presentable like.

I’m here! Oh I forgot to put out the silverware. I’ll get it. No I just forgot. Did I what? Shower?

SHOWER!

Oh, no I didn’t. I just ran some water through my hair. Rinse the dirt out. You know. What did y’all get? They do make good cheeseburgers, but they’re so greasy. Well I didn’t say it was a bad thing, I was just saying. They are good cheeseburgers. I guess y’all don’t really need knives or forks. Do either of you want ketchup? How about some Country Bob’s? Here you go. Did you get my tea? Oh, thank you. Did they have any of that Key lime pie? Oh well. You can’t always get Key lime pie.

Who wants to say grace? I’ll do it. Hmm. God is great, God is good. Let us thank Him for our food. Amen.

This salad looks delightful. Yes. What did you get on your burger, Sweetpea? I thought you didn’t like pickles. You know what we can do? We can make Kool-Aid pickles. They are weird. They’re weird but they’re good. Just like Jud! Ha!

Hmmm. This salad’s not very good. Something’s wrong with the dressing. It’s got something new in it, I think. Well, I wasn’t very hungry anyway. Would you like some salad? No, thanks. No, I’m just not very hungry.

I hope I’m not getting sick.

The tea’s not very good either. It tastes dirty. I wonder what kind of tea bags they’re using over there. This hardly tastes like tea. Yuck. I am thirsty though. Jud, do you want my tea? I don’t like whatever tea bags they’re using. No, it’s okay. I’ve got tea cooking. In fat I bet it’s ready to stir now. I’ll get it. Did you have fun on your drive? That’s good. You’re right. No you don’t want to run over any sweet little animals. Unless it’s that tomato thief. You can run over him all you want. No, y’all go without me. I think I’m going to go back down to the garden. I think I should give everything a good watering. It’s been so dry lately. It is nice out, if it would rain just a little it would be even nicer. I guess so. No, you all go. I’ll clean up. Go have fun!

Where are you going to take her? That makes since. Just be careful on the levee, Sweetpea. Okay? It’s not as steep as it looks. Okay. Mwa! Don’t let her kill you, Mr. Man. Mmmmmwa! Go have fun.

It’s good that they’re spending time together. I want them to like each other. He might be her grandfather one day. You never know. I think he’d marry me. I’d marry him in a heartbeat. We could bring down Walt and Cynthia, and Julia can bring Hershel. We’d have a small wedding at a country church and afterwards Jud and I’d ride off in a pretty little horse-and-buggy. I think I’d look pretty in a wedding dress. I’d like to see what that looks like. That would be nice. Yes sir. That would be nice.

I am so thirsty.