With growing dread, I opened my usual news site. There they were on the front page. Sophia wearing a thin summer dress in all her furry glory, and next to her, holding her hand, was Carla, in a similar dress in all her scaled glory. Below the headline shouted.

MUTANTS LIVE AMONG US!

Oh, fuck no! I read further.

“Sophia Hardcastle, daughter of New Zealand Rich Lister Samantha Hardcastle and her ex-husband, property developer Ian Albright, has revealed she and her new fiance Carla Vaa’i discovered the Waiheke Anomaly and have been irrevocably changed by it.”

Oh, hell no.

“Sophia and Carla were celebrating their recent engagement by holidaying on Waiheke island when they saw a “blue dot in the water.” They swam for the shore to raise the alarm, but it was too late to stop their mutation. This reporter has confirmed that two people were emergency airlifted from Waiheke Island on the 27th Dec just before the Navy moved to create the quarantine zone.”

Fuck.

“Sophia said, “The mutation was brutal and traumatic, especially for Carla. She would have died multiple times if it weren't for the heroic staff at Auckland Hospital. We especially want to thank Dr Mohan for her efforts that directly saved Carla’s life.”

Well, at least they are bloody keeping me out of it.

Fucking hell.

“When asked how their relationship will change because of the obvious and difficult mutations, Carla responded, “We have grown closer together. We rely on each other much more and our love is stronger.”

I thought Carla was using me to protect Sophia and their relationship from her family. I guess everything has changed now. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

“Sophia is a popular Year Three teacher at Central Primary. When asked about her job, she said, “I plan to take a year off from teaching, but I am hoping to return. This mutation will not go away, and I need to learn to live with it. I hope people will be understanding of my disfigurement and that there will not be any discrimination because of this.”

“Carla was a Fitness Instructor at the Get Hard Gym in downtown Auckland. The manager said, “We would absolutely welcome Carla back as an instructor. She ran several popular classes, and while we understand her need for time off, we will give the public plenty of notice before she returns. We expect her classes to be booked out early, so watch for the advertisements.”

Shit, shit, shit. This is the reason for all those specific media clauses and the generous remuneration. Fuck. It is not nearly generous enough.

“The Navy spokeswoman praised Carla and Sophia for alerting them early and saving many more lives. “While we mourn those servicemen and women who died from their mutations, we celebrate the others who survived, like Carla and Sophia did. Some of those military personnel have disfigurements that are obvious, and some are less obvious, but the Navy is a non-discriminatory organisation and will support all its personnel through all the hazards that arise from protecting our nation.”

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

What the fuck?

I think my mind has blanked. My brain has busted. Shit.

They are pushing the non-discriminatory theme hard.

I guess they are good-looking women with obvious but apparently harmless mutations. I assume Carla’s gills will be a feature soon. People will have to be careful around Sophia, though, as they might catch fleas. Articles detailing the mutations down to the nth degree will soon be published, I am sure.

Reading on this site? This novel is published elsewhere. Support the author by seeking out the original.

There is no mention that Carla could change forms. I guess she is staying as Fishface for a while. That will give us time to study things.

Fuck!

I plug in the address of Sophia’s parents. I turn on the aerial photos. It is a fucking gated clifftop mansion overlooking the marina. Fuck. Rich lister indeed. I guess it is a good place to hide from the media. They will have their own security guards.

What the fuck do we do now? I guess they have a plan. I am definitely shopping for a bike, along with a leather jacket and a full-face helmet.

Talking over the phone is no good. I need to go and see them and find out what the fuck they were thinking. Crazy fucking women.

I bet the Navy talked them into this.

Fuck. I didn’t sign up for this. Fuck. I just literally signed up for this last night. Fuck. This isn’t what I meant. Fuck fuck fuck.

I don’t have to do this. I could ditch them.

I am so not going to be able to sleep tonight.

Fuck, what is the strongest alcohol I have? Just beer and not much of that. I don’t normally like getting drunk, but sometimes…

No wonder there are so many alcoholics in the world. It is bloody relationships that drive you to drink. Fuck.

Calm the fuck down, Bob. They have kept you out of the media. This is their shit, not yours.

Shit, shit, shit.

Distract yourself. How can I distract myself? I need a new motorbike. I bring up vehicles for sale on websites and browse. What type of bike? My last one was for running around town and getting to Piha. I think this one needs a bit more off-road capability. I will be mainly driving on the roads, but there will be more going to out-of-the-way places.

There are a lot of options.

Piha. I need to go to Piha for a while. Fuck this calm east coast. I need to get to the wild West Coast for a while. I need a tent. Fuck.

You know, Buck would love the west coast. I couldn’t take him on a bike, though. Maybe I should look at utes. I could fit a bike on the back. I could live out of a ute. Throw a mattress on the back and a tarp. I wouldn’t need a tent.

What utes are around? Definitely 4WD. Diesel is better than petrol. Doublecab gives more internal space.

Fuck.

They have done it to me again, haven’t they? Fucking evil witches.

I have changed the way I act because a fucking dog has wormed his way past my defences. Her fucking dog. Bloody Sophia. She comes across as all innocent and nice. She is as evil as Carla in her own way. Worse because I know how to handle Carla. Sophia is as much a mystery to me as I am to her. What I do know is that she is an evil witch working subtle, bloody magic.

Carla, the Bitch. Sophia, the Witch.

What the hell does that make me? I guess I am the Bastard. There are some fucking good superhero names. The Bastard, the Bitch and the Witch. BBW for short.

Fuck. I am not going to ditch them, am I?

I am so taking off with Buck, though. He is too good for them.

A ute is a good idea. A tarp cover for the back, not a hardcover. I will get a bike again soon. I could get a flat wooden floor for the back rather than the factory corrugated floors. I probably wouldn’t even need a mattress then.

I've bookmarked some options. It doesn’t need to be new. There are a couple of dealers and a couple of private sellers with options. I could afford new, but we will see. I want something that will last.

I sit and think.

I can’t do this consultant job for the Navy and my old job. The Bitch and the Witch have already resigned their jobs. I typed out my resignation and emailed it to my boss. Their policy is to pay out your notice period rather than making you work it. That works for me, and another lump sum of cash will come in. I have some holiday pay due as well.

What about my apartment? I bought it, and the mortgage is steadily decreasing. The only reason I bought there was it was close to the beach and close to work. I am no longer working in the city. Do I sell it? There is a no-dogs policy there as well, and Buck would be frustrated there. I could rent it out. No, the world is going to shit. Sell it. I will miss Maple, my sugar mummy.

Ok. I have a plan. I look at the time. Shit, no point staying here. I gather up my stuff. If I leave now-ish I can catch the early bird ferry to Auckland.

That dealer had a low mileage secondhand ute that I might be able to drive away in. Contact a real estate agent and get my apartment on the market. Go to the apartment and get the few things I want. The agent can then trash the rest and get the place cleaned up.

Alcohol. I need alcohol. One last visit to Maple with alcohol and see if I can get a meeting with her granddaughter.

Then, go to the mansion to pick up Buck before they ruin him. It is a mansion. It might be worth staying a night. Then to Piha.

The brain is now un-busted. I have a plan.