Alright then! If my parents want me to get a job, then I shall get a job, damn it! Even if it pays next to nothing, I will make someone hire a good-for-nothing like me! And so, with all the confidence in the world, I soon set sail to the nearby shops and started asking for job opportunities!
First, I ask the blacksmith, who is quick to kick me out of his shop without even hearing me out. first, he just shoves me outside without saying a word. That's okay, though! Who wants to be a blacksmith anyway, right? I mean, it's well-paid but also kind of tricky!
Secondly! I walk right up to the tailor shop, where I'm also not very well welcomed. The staff in the shop quickly and swiftly wrapped me in some cheap fabric just so they could toss me very, very far away from their shop! Puff! Who wants to be a tailor anyway!? I mean, look at me! I don't have the hands for it! EHEHE!
For my third attempt, I slowly approach the butcher shop and sneak inside to ask for a job, obviously, but the butcher scares me away by literally throwing a sharp knife merely inches away from my forehead! Well, that was close! And also! I didn't want to work with dead beasts and animals anyway!
Are they right? The fourth time is the charm?! So, for my fourth attempt, I approached the boutique, which is literally a shop where all they need is an herb collector. I mean, who can't handle picking up some herbs, right? Yet I don't even make it to the door when the owner quickly locks the door. Just for me, how considerate.
"Hey, look! It's useless, Tom!" "Hey, there, dumb shit!" Some of my older classmates just walk right next to me as I walk past the boutique, but who cares about whatever they say to me? I know they'll be crying out for my help when I finally become a god! They'll see! Besides, I have a comeback!
"Says the one with divorced parents and the other with a cheating girlfriend! Oh, I'm sorry you have to take care of someone else's kid, man!" That's right! Compared to them, I do it much better! Although they don't seem very happy about my answer, oh crap! Come on, guys, you're the ones who started this!
"You think you're funny, don't you!?" Dante says while his hand slowly reaches for his sword down in his hip, which is a bit extreme, in my opinion. I mean, come on, guys, I will beat the clear dookie out of you both if I have to. Don't make me do it!
"Why don't we teach him a lesson?" Replies Dante's boyfriend 'Karl.' I mean, you two guys clearly love each other, so why don't you just kiss and marry already? That is what I would say if I didn't have common sense! If I say something like that! These guys will make sure I die one way or another! Quick! I must also say something, I suppose!
"If you think you've got a chance! Then come at me! First Oni stance! Tiger claw!" And so! Since these two guys seemed eager to fight me, I had no choice but to assume one of my fighting positions, which made me look somewhat threatening, I guess.
Although I do feel in danger since they both have weapons and magical powers on top of that, so yeah, this fight is going to be complicated, even if I always managed to kick their butt in high school! I became one of the best in physical combat out of everyone since I've never had any type of magical prowess. Now it's time to see if it's paid off.
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Soon, the entire street clears out since the people move away from the ensuing conflict between two very even-matched enemies. That's right! I am so awesome people know I'm about to kick these bully's butt with elegance and style! Well, maybe not so elegant, but definitely with style!
"Damn you! Water style! Water canon!" The fight begins with a dirty opening from Karl, who summons a massive wave of water against me from the opposite side. Water is usually not dangerous, but when it's magically encased, it can be pretty lethal!
As to my way of avoiding the ball of water, well, that's simple enough! All I had to do was jump out of the way and let the ball of water crash against some poor shop owner's shop, and thankfully, it landed right over at the butcher's shop! Aha! Take that old man!
"You're fucked! Fire manipulation! Fire trail!" Uh? A surprise attack!? And while I'm mid-air!? Damn it, I didn't plan this far ahead! Wait a second, pause! A long column of fire quickly makes its way precisely against me, and it painfully hits me right in the chest, sending me back flying against the ground.
"BAAAAHHHGG! UGH!" {Loud crashing sounds} Oh gosh, that one hurt and burned like literal hell. Well, this isn't just unfair. It's wholly stacked against me, I see. If I ever get mid to long-range, these guys will kill me with their magic, but if I approach them, then they'll both have the upper hand because they both have blades, and I don't.
"Who said this was over Motherfucker!?" Karl doesn't even wait a second or even until I at least get back up so he can attack me. Oh no, he just comes right at me while I'm on the floor, forcing me to roll around like a worm out of his sword's range.
Tsk! If only I had something I could use against these cowards! One-on-one, they would stand no chance of beating me, but together, the odds are against me. Uhmm, if only there were a way for me to make them lose their coordination. Uhmm, think, man, think! Come on, neurons, do something!
{Oneshot - Kevin Penkin}
"Wait for me, Karl! I'm coming!" Says Karl's boyfriend, and while I would keep making fun of them, I doubt this is the right time. So I must also get serious because they're trying to kill me now. It's not a game or a joke anymore. I thought they weren't serious about ending me here.
"Dirt strike!" "Dirt strike?" Karl quickly replies to my words as I chuck a handful of dirt into his eyes, finally giving me the room to stand up and face the rapidly approaching Dante. "Fucking die! First slash! Second slash! Third slash!"
Dante doesn't give me any breathing room either, automatically launching his sword attacks against me, barely giving me any time to dodge his sword unscathed, or so I thought. Not long after 'dodging' his sword, some blood falls onto the floor, and it touches my left foot, causing me to look down at my abdomen.
A large cut is down there; it's not deep, but it's long and deep enough to cause light bleeding and somewhat sharp pain in that area. I didn't even feel his blade touching me in the slightest, yet I was cut this deep. Some blades are indeed so sharp that the victims of their sharpness don't even realize they've been cut, uh?
Naturally, Dante's boyfriend Karl follows up his boyfriend's attack with a surprise attack of his own, catching me off guard. "Water blades!" Karl's casting scream completely catches me off guard, which means all my body can manage to do is cover my face and neck with my arms.
"GUUUUUUGHH!!" Hundreds of small yet deadly shots of water make their way directly at me, cutting every inch of my body in some way. The cuts don't feel any deeper than paper cuts, but hundreds of them quickly start bleeding lots of blood, and since I don't have magic, I can't even heal.
"UUUUHHHH!!! METEOR SHOWER!" Of course, not even when I'm already losing do they slow down. Instead, Dante casts his version of small cuts against me but from the sky. The only saving grace of his attack was his slow casting, which allowed me to jump out of the way, but I could hardly celebrate as Karl came at me with his sword, ready to cut my head off.
[Who will win this Oni match? Don't miss the result in the next chapter of Bakemon-ONI! Chapter 4! The magicless Oni's ace!]