Chapter 163

Worst Birthday Gift Ever Part 1

I have to say, sometimes having friends is the same thing as having enemies that you just can’t get angry at.

Tingle.

My hand burns. In fact, my whole body is now vibrating angrily at a molecular level.

Poof.

Teleport.

I have to be playing the most annoying, single-person, games of hot-potato that I have ever seen.

Poof.

Poof.

Poof.

I have finally gotten to the point where the lands of the settled world have slowly given away to the constantly expanding desert wastelands of Blight infected territories.

How did I get here?

Honestly, I am still trying to piece that all together myself.

All I can say for certain is that today I realized my friends are either trying to kill me, or think too highly of me, as this is ridiculous.

At this, I try to think of how exactly I got here, and why terrible things always seem to happen whenever I leave my home.

I also, not for the first time, sort of wish I was one of my Simulacrum who get to sit around and read all day.

Poof.

Violent Vibrating.

My hand is now vibrating so intensely that I can’t help but realize I need to focus on continuing to move as quickly as possible, while also distracting myself from the pain that is welling up within my body.

With that, I focus on exactly how I got here, and how much further I might need to move before this is all over.

***

(An Hour Ago)

“I don’t know how these things generally work, for you, but given what I’ve seen in the past I would assume this is likely all the work of Rick “The Prick” Troll here, and not a stage set up by the item holder, Mr. Bones.” I state, gesturing to the now bound and gagged Rick Troll, who I keep having to heal from constant rot affecting his body.

With my Death Shroud, I am able to protect three people constantly. Despite what most might think I did this a bit judiciously, as I make sure to protect the two pilots, and Melkin, the weaker of Mallory’s two personal bodyguards.

Why not Mallory? Well simple, she is so astronomically high of a level and a Valkyrie that her class all but negates any damage she might sustain from being here with us. As for her primary bodyguard Vickard, well he is also strong enough that the ravages of the spirit world have little effect against his body.

As for Rick, he is a Troll, no literally, meaning his body regenerates. His last name of Troll also gives him a further enhancement to his regeneration capabilities. This means that while painful, he can mostly keep up with the damage sustained. I also make sure to constantly keep a sleep spell active within his body, so he can’t interfere with our preparations.

As for Jhonny, my personal bodyguard, well I want him to try to focus on learning how to harness Spirit Qi, and I think that him being here will be a good way to see if the trial by drowning method is a good way to go.

So far Jhonny seems to be doing okay. Well no, he is clearly the worst of everyone here, but he is trying and that is saying something.

Honestly, Jhonny never ceases to amaze me with his ability to be both insanely stubborn and somehow able to pull through any situation due to sheer stupid determination alone.

As for what we are doing now that we are all on the ground safe, while our primary form of transportation bust into an amazing display of pyrotechnics that were somehow able to cross the barrier between realms due to the heightened concentration of spirit mana, and exactly how close we were to what I was now a hundred percent certain was in fact the Mirror of the Dead.

Being this close to a relic of this power and magnitude, I was asked to provide my expertise as a noted thief.

“Typically, when you set up a deal to buy an ancient relic, it is expected that people aware of the transaction will try to make a hit on either the buyer or the seller. Some will try to make a hit when both parties are present as a way to maximize their gains, but those people are fools as that is the time when both parties are on their highest state of awareness.” I state, going over the general playbook of a thief, before continuing.

“The two main times to strike are when one the buyer is either on the way, when you gain the money. Or to wait until the purchase has happened and they are returning home. Both have their own sets of problems and contingencies, though it is often easier to get an item from a buyer who has been worn down from being on guard for such a long period of time.” I state.

“When would you make a grab at an item?” Jhonny asked.

“Hypothetically, I would wait until the party was fully back in their estate. When they take the item and fully secure it, before going and resting from having their nerves frayed from being on a constant state of awareness throughout the purchasing process.” I answer.

“Have you done this before?” The main pilot asked, looking at me with a sense of surprise and confusion.

I just stare at him with my face mask drawn, but he seems to feel the gaze of everyone else on him as he suddenly looks flustered from all of the attention.

“What? She’s the Magic teacher right?” The pilot asked somewhat confusedly.

Hearing that I just shake my head.

“You do realize that if she so chose, she could be the Guild Leader of our Thieves Guild once it opens right?” Mallory replies with a question.

“Her, isn’t she barely old enough to have a class?” The pilot asked.

You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.

“Okay there McQuack, at least I wasn’t the guy who crashed a plane into a building.” I replied back, okay that was a bit of a low blow, but seriously, do I still need to prove myself as a thief now too?

“Cass.” Mallory chided, though it was clear from the curl of her lips that she was trying to keep herself from laughing.

“What?” I hissed back.

Hearing that and seeing that I wasn’t afraid to talk back to Mallory the pilot paused for a second, before composing himself and stating.

“I apologize,” he began raising his hands in a placating gesture. “What I meant was you have already gotten a doctorate in magic, have learned to use Qi, and now I find out that you also have training as a thief on top of everything.”

Hearing that, I let loose some of my anger, some, which was why I was able to take a calming breath filled with Spirit Qi. Oh, look you can get Spirit Qi from here a lot easier, no wait, focus.

“I have only had my classes for a year and a few months now, but I did spend the first six years of my time here running around building connections in the Thieves Guild.” I answer.

With that the pilot paused, and then dawning realization crossed his face as he realized. “Oh, you took the maximum child flaw?”

With that I nod, “yes.”

“Oh, okay then.” The Pilot said, then went completely silent. Honestly, I didn’t know if that was better or worse, but at least it gave me a second to compose my thoughts before I went over what we should most likely expect.

Turning for a second, I stare at Rick, see that his regeneration is eating away at my now Superior Sleep Spell, so I recharge the spell and get it to counter his regeneration ability.

New Spell Created: Superior Sleep Spell [Tier IV] (C): A spell created by Cassiopeia Spiritlight, mixing Spirit, Mental, and Healing magic components together to create a spell powerful enough to put even a Troll to sleep, while slowly healing any lasting ailments within the target.

Yep, a new spell to put a troll to sleep so we could access our situation.

“What do you think we should plan for?” Mallory asked.

Hearing that I pause, then evaluate everything before us. “Well first we need to determine if Rick was acting alone or as part of a segmented attack.”

“Have you seen anything indicating that this is a segmented attack?” Mallory asks.

Sigh.

At that I reply, “no, but I can confirm in a second.”

With that I use Telepathy.

I generally dislike this, mainly because I hate the idea of invading people’s thoughts. Yes, I know the person who can see through walls and read every form of gossip has boundaries of reading people’s minds. Well, I do, but in this case, I decide to make an exception especially as we are potentially in enemy lands.

Loud Applause.

Thus, I am thrust into the mind of a megalomaniac. Going through this, I see that there are a lot of memories of staring at himself in mirrors. Memories of how great he was, how he was able to get sponsorships and viewers to tune into this world that lacked everything, cool. At least, it lacked everything according to the way Rick interpreted the world.

Of course, only one of his lifetimes could accurately be linked to ending early due to Mallory, when he got drunk on his fourth life and started talking about having more information and clout than he did. Then when he took out loans based on his prior relationship with Mallory, things grew heated when he couldn’t even produce a meeting.

The sad part was, knowing Mallory she likely would have met him and his associates had she known. Unfortunately, this was at the time when Mallory first contracted the Blight and was looking for cures all over the world.

Eventually his lenders and creditors grew angry with him and took out their dues in the form of a pound of flesh.

Since then, he has been on a mission to discredit Mallory, which is how we are here now at his sixth of seven lifetimes. He was willing to put himself on his final leg if he could get Mallory off of her first life and have all her advancements reset.

A quick probe around showed that he had a standing wager from a few lowlifes about ending Mallory. Basically, the same thing happens to almost everyone. Once you get to a certain stratosphere of success, everyone roots for your eventual demise and falls from grace.

Though honestly, from everything I am seeing Mr. Bones seems to be an unwitting accomplice in all this. As this Mr. Bones legitimately has the shard, or at least a shard that he believes to be related to the Mirror of the Dead.

Rick just took this as a perfect chance to make his strike.

Had this not worked, or if he was unable to activate an attack, he would have tried to pass off his snapping as a failed trick that ultimately made him lose face and nothing more. Then once he was accepted back into the guild, he would have looked for another moment to strike.

Honestly, the more I read the more depraved this guy gets. Though again, glass half full, everyone seems to hate this guy’s overall cocky nature, and wanted no part of his suicidal revenge plot against Mallory and his former guild.

With that piece of data, the fact that this attack was conducted by Rick and Rick alone, I leave his mind and instantly try to let my own brain waves take over.

It is weird trying to read someone else’s mind. The process feels like it should be similar to sticking your hand under a slow running stream. By cupping your hand, you can stop part of the stream, but ultimately the majority of the current will go past you if you are not prepared to put up a dam to stop the flow.

“So did you find anything?” Mallory asks, clearly seeing me shake my head as a sign that I am fighting my way free of his thoughts.

“Yeah, first off. Rick is an egotistical jerk.” I admit.

Scoff.

“Tell me something In don’t know,” Mallory muses.

“Also, it seems that Mr. Bones is an unwitting accomplice to all of this, as Rick has somehow set you up as the epitome for why his life isn’t awesome anymore.” I admit.

“So should we worry about a secondary attack?” Vickard asks.

“Not from Rick, or anyone that Rick has been in contact with.” I reply, making sure to never give a definitive answer during an active mission.

“Oh good, so we are safe then?” Melkin, Mallory’s second bodyguard asks.

“What?” I spit out, flabbergasted by the fact someone would say something that stupid.

“You know, you said it yourself. We should only expect an attack before, during or after. Since there was an attack before, and it was all conducted by Rick here, then we are good to go right?” Melkin continues.

“Are you just trying to increase the difficulty on this? We already had Mallory jinx it once by calling it a Milk Run.” I make sure to mimic and mock Mallory’s voice when I say the words Milk Run.

“Wait, you don’t believe the world just arbitrarily increases the difficulty because you point out an unspoken universal truth do you?” Melkin says, looking at us like we are all crazy ritualists who bathe in butter and sing our favorite songs backward to break a losing streak.

“Yes, the reason why they are unspoken truths, is that they are true until they are spoken. Then you basically ask the world to mess with you.” Jhonny, my bodyguard states and I couldn’t be prouder of him at that statement.

“Oh, come on, we are at the point where we literally have to walk back across the desert to get home. How much worse could things get?”

CRACKLE!

As he states that, a giant bolt of electrical spirit mana flashes in the night sky and lands just a few hundred meters away.

BOOOM!

Optional Quest Activated: Under Pressure: While on your way to find a relic called the fabled Mirror of the Dead, you have discovered an impromptu spiritual display of electrical energy. Discover and mitigate the source of this energy to improve future rewards. Rewards: Experience, possible bloodline evolution perks, variable.

Seeing the message, I felt my eyes grow wide involuntarily, even though I no longer use my eyes to read, I still have almost instinctual reactions to make such movements to help blending in. I am so used to faking this motion on my own face, that I also know to look for it on the faces of others. It is for this reason, that I easily notice the look of shock as everyone apparently gets the same exact quest prompt appearing before their eyes.

“We aren’t going to investigate that, are we?” Vickard asks, a note of fear in his voice as he turns to Mallory.

“What of course not. That quest looks to be a honey trap if every I heard one.” Mallory responds.

Hearing that, I add in. “Yeah, I mean possible bloodline evolution perks are a dime a dozen, right?” I state, trying to make sure my understanding of the rewards is not uncommon, as I have been seeing this as a perk for requests quite often. Though they had tapered off there for a while until recently.

“Wait, did you seriously say bloodline evolution perk?” Mallory asked.

“Well yeah, but aren’t they fairly common?” I ask.

“No, in fact, at your level you need to follow almost every quest line with hints related to your bloodline evolution possible in them,” Mallory stated. I of course understand what she means as getting beyond Legendary and to the Mythical bloodline stratosphere should be my next task, as it should improve the quality of all my classes that I currently have. Particularly if I get almost every record possible. But I do have to worry about not just my own health, but the health of everyone around us as well.

“Isn’t this a bit dangerous for all of us?” I ask.

“Well yeah, which is why you need to open a tunnel and let us out of here, before that thing gets any closer.” Mallory noted.

THUNDERCLAP-RUMBLE!

Just as she said that another larger bolt of spirit infused energy lands even closer. The impact of this is no less impressive, as I can feel the hairs on the back of my head beginning to stand on end.

Planar Shift.

Without coaxing I go open up the rift between the spirit world where we were hiding in, and the real world where our ship blew up from ramming into the automated magical defenses of the Mage Guild.

As soon as the light comes on, everyone starts going through. The pilots, Mallory’s bodyguards. The unconscious Rick is being dragged behind by Vickard. Then just as quickly as it began, it is just Jhonny, Mallory, and me.

“Go on Jhonny, I got her.” Mallory states, gesturing for Jhonny to go through the portal.

“With all due respect,” Jhonny began, always a great career move to begin with that statement. “But the Doctor is my charge, and the person I have pledged my life for. So, if you wouldn’t mind. Please lead the rest of the team through to the purchase of the item, and I will make sure the Doctor arrives in a timely manner.”

At that, I pause, then turn my head to the side. “Oddly enough, that was fairly close to being completely respectful.” I admit, nodding my head in approval at Jhonny.

Mallory just pauses, “you want me to split the team?”

Jhonny, not wanting to break yet another unspoken rule shifts his weight a bit before answering neutrally. “I am asking you to accomplish the mission as efficiently as possible.”

THUNDERRRRRRRCLAPPPP-BURST!

With that the next pulse of lightning is super close.

“All right.” Mallory says, clearly wanting no part of this. Then before she fully goes into the rift she pokes her head back out and says, “you better bring her back alive.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Jhonny says and gives a proper with all due respect, dismissive wave to our guild leader.

Seeing that, I let a fiendish smile crest my lips as I let Mallory pass through my rift, before sealing it up.

“So, you have a plan on what to do?” Jhonny asked, staring up at the giant vortex of spiritual death energy that is violently twirling overhead.

“Not one clue.” I answer truthfully.

With that Jhonny just nodded, “expected something along those lines.”

A slight pause.

BURST!!

With that giant spherical drops the size of golf balls began falling from the sky.

Seeing the falling balls, I realized instantly that they were condensed balls of spiritual mana.

Thump, thump, thunk.

Then just like, a wave of falling golf ball sized spirit hail begins falling and racing towards us. 50 meters away.

“You are going to do something though, right?” Jhonny asked.

“Yeah,” I say, trying to sound a lot more confident than I feel at the moment. Jhonny hearing the hesitation in my voice just turns to me and stares. “Most likely, just give me a second.”

Then the wave of hailing spirit balls charged forward, covering the two of us completely.